Of Love and Shadow
by Luminous Lu
Summary: Kate thought she was happy with Jack, but things change. Skate
1. Chapter 1

She was sitting at the table, in the kitchen, with a cup filled with coffee in her hand and her eyes staring at the luxurious garden that surrounded the house. The morning light invaded the room, and she closed her eyes in exasperation as she heard some firm steps on the stairs, feeling interrupted. Looking at the kitchen door, she was just in time to see her husband appearing, already dressed and shaved. He smiled at her and she responded, while he walked towards her and planted a soft kiss on her lips. Smiling, he took a cup from the cabinet and poured some coffee into it, taking a quick sip that burned his lips. She laughed quietly, while he tried to swallow the hot liquid. When he did, he looked at her in amusement.

"You find it funny, Susie?" she stared at him and wrinkled her nose, making her freckles even more evident. He laughed too and approached her, kissing her deeply. The intensity of the kiss made her head hit the back of the chair, but she didn't care. She loved when he kissed her like this, so passionately, like the world was going to end in about five minutes, like they had no time. When the kiss ended, she looked at him with admiration. He was a beautiful man. Dark and solid, he had a beauty that was simple but refined at the same time, which she found extremely sensual.

"Good morning…" she said with a loving expression. He smiled.

"Good morning, sweetie." he walked towards the counter and picked up his coffee mug, blowing at the liquid in a silly attempt to cool it. "Where's Ella?"

"She's asleep. She went to bed late yesterday, she was waiting for you." She sighed. His job at the hospital was exhausting and had no regular schedule, so sometimes he would arrive at 2 am, other times he would be home by 5pm. Th**is** irregularity confused their little girl's mind; she liked to see her dad get home and would rarely have that pleasure.

"Isn't she going to kindergarten today?" She got up and walked towards the sink, putting her cup in it.

"Yeah, she is. I'm gonna drop her there when I go to town. I'm going to wake her up and get dressed." He smiled, but it wasn't a pleasant smile. She recognized that smiled as the one he gave her every time he was about to lecture her about something. And she hated when he lectured her.

"Isn't it late? I mean, you could've woken her up already..."

"She was up until eleven, yesterday, waiting for you, Jack. And I won't let her sleep less than eight hours." She paused as he looked at the mug with a sly smile on his face. She hated him, in that moment. "She'll be on time." She walked towards her husband and kissed him quickly, turning around to leave. "Have a nice day at the hospital." Climbing the stairs as quickly as she could, she didn't stop untilshe reached her daughter's pink bedroom.

"Mommy, where's daddy?" the little girl asked from the back seat. She looked at her daughter through the mirror and tried to smile.

"He's at work, sweetie. You'll see him tonight, when he gets home." The four-year-old girl sighed dramatically and she laughed a little, remembering herself at the same age. Ella, or Eleanor, was a beautiful girl, that looked just like her mother. She had her hair, her eyes, her hands and worst of all, her temper. She was wild and uncontrollable as her mother once was, and Kate was proud of her for that. She didn't see Jack in the girl at all, which made her a little sad, but not enough to erase her pride.

"Daddy is never home!" Kate rolled her eyes. These were the times she'd like her daughter to sound like Jack, instead of herself. It was like the girl was reading her mind.

"I know, baby, but he's working to support us, for us to have everything we need." Ella looked through the window as she drove into town. They lived in the suburbs of Boston, because Jack didn't think the city environment was good for the little girl. Kate liked the city and its energy, and Ella did too, so she got her in a kindergarten that was localized in the center of Boston. She didn't go there every day, only three or four days a week, but there was a schedule to be followed on those days, and they were late.

She parked the car in front of the old building and stepped out, opening the back door to take her daughter out. She picked up the girl and her backpack and walked into the reception, where Ella's teacher was talking to the door man. Miss Rose was a short, black woman, who should be in her mid-fifties. Kate trusted her more than she trusted her own mother-in-law, for some reason. Rose's eyes were always filled with love and something else that made her feel really comfortable. Those eyes had the same effect on the child that loved her teacher.

"I'm so sorry we're late, Miss Rose!" Kate said with a smile. The old lady smiled too and took Ella from Kate's arms.

"There's no problem with that, Mrs. Shepard! We were just starting our usual activities." They smiled at each other and Kate felt an almost maternal bond forming with this woman. She missed her mother more than she could tell, and this lady was becoming almost a comfort just for being there, for taking care of her child like a grandmother would do. Kate smiled and kissed Ella on her forehead.

"Be nice, ok, sweetie? Mom will pick you up at 3." She looked up at Miss Rose, who was smiling at this scene, and smiled back. "You two, have a nice day!"

"We will, Mrs. Shepard!" Kate smiled and walked back to the car, sitting behind the wheel and realizing her cell phone was ringing. She looked for it in her purse, and when she finally located it, she picked it up without even knowing who it was. A female voice greeted her.

"Jesus Christ, Susan. I didn't interrupt you two, did I?" Kate smiled and tried to stabilize her breathing.

"Give me a sec." she said, while she tried to get the cell phone connected to the car kit. She lowered the radio sound and pressed the green button of the phone, to start talking again. "Hey, I'm here!"

"That was a long second. You driving?"

"Yeah. I'm on the car kit, so talk away!" the other voice seemed offended. Kate smiled.

"I don't talk that much!" she laughed "Anyway, I was wondering if you were in town. Wanna have lunch with me?" Kate smiled again. That was exactly what she needed.

"Yeah, sure. Are you inviting anyone else?" the other woman sighed.

"Like who? My brother?" she laughed bitterly "He's with Sabrina. The viper's dying, apparently."

"Is she ill?" Kate was becoming worried now, that would explain the other woman's strange mood.

"No. She just took a box of vicodin with some vodka. The woman's crazy." Kate heard her sighing again. "So, I'll meet you at lunch. The usual place?"

"The usual place" Kate paused "And Shann… she'll be ok."

"Yeah... I know, Susie. See you later then"

"See you"

She was in the mall, shopping for some groceries in the market of the lowest floor. When she finished those, she put the stuff in the car and decided to take a walk through the clothing section, to see if she could find anything she liked. She was very 'sporty' in her way of dressing, but she liked small elegant things that stopped her from looking like she was working out all day. She saw a couple of cargo pants that she liked and she went to the dressing room to try them on.

While trying them, she realized she was getting thinner again, and the items she'd picked were too large for her. Hiding behind the curtain and poking her head on the outside, she called the shop girl and asked her to get her a smaller size. When she was preparing to hide her head behind the curtain again, she noticed a man, standing in front of the other cubicle with an exasperated look on his face. She stared at him, and when their eyes met she felt herself blush.

"I'm… um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare." She hid her head and looked at the wall mirror. Her face was bright red, and her freckles were more evident than ever. She took a deep breath, cursing herself for being so obvious, and started trying out the pants the girl had brought her. She could hear him taking to the other compartment.

"Come on, Cass! We ain't gonna be here all day, I tell ya" Se smiled at his voice. Typical Southern male.

When Kate got out of the cubicle, the man was still there, looking at her with amusement. She felt herself blush again but before she could leave, she heard him.

"You like what you see, freckles?" he smiled and she felt her stomach jump. Picking her stuff up from the chair, she got out of that place as fast as she could, leaving the pants behind her. She was getting late for lunch, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Kate arrived at the restaurant at half past noon, knowing that Shannon's lunchtime was between that time and 2pm. It was an Italian place, owned by a family, and with such a cozy environment that it had been their choice ever since they had discovered it. Kate walked in and the youngest of the Bentivoglio kids, Roberto, walked towards her with a smile on his face.

"_Signora_ Shepard! What a pleasure!" Kate smiled politely. She didn't like the attention from the crowd, and now the whole restaurant was staring at her.

"The pleasure is all mine, Roberto. Could you please get me a table for two?" he smiled and pulled Kate gently with him until an almost hidden table that she thought was perfect.

"Your husband, _Signora_… are you waiting for him?" Kate understood, in that moment, the hidden table. He should've thought it was a romantic lunch. She laughed a little.

"Oh, I'm not meeting Jack today. It's Shannon." He looked confused, and then elucidated.

"My mistake, _Signora_! And so, will you wait for _Signorina_ Rutherford or shall I serve the wine?"

---------------------

Shannon arrived a couple of minutes later, walking fast as usual, and with a worried look on her face. She was beautiful and elegant, with a very correct posture that was given by her ballet training. She was teaching in and at the same time practicing for the School's main company. Kate smiled as she saw her arriving and letting herself fall dramatically on the chair in front of her.

"Good afternoon, Miss Scarlet… You tired?" Shannon smiled at Kate's remark and took a sip of water from the glass Roberto had provided for her.

"I won't even answer that. Let's just say I'm never gonna go to a concert on a school night again." Kate smiled and Shannon dropped her hands to her lap, her eyes filling with tears.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Kate took her hand in hers and rubbed it gently. Shannon was on the verge of tears, which made Kate feel useless; she hated seeing anybody cry. Shannon took some deep breaths and the tears vanished from her eyes, while Kate watched this behavior, amazed with Shannon's self control. "Come on, now. Tell me what's wrong, Shann."

"Boone called. Sabrina's ok, or will be, it's just a matter of time." She took another deep breath. "And when he called me… I heard this female's voice next to him. When I asked him who was there, he said it was Sarah." Shannon looked at Kate with a sad smile.

"Sarah… you mean Sarah Wilkins, your best friend from boarding school? What the h…"

"She had sort of a fling with him, a couple of years ago… maybe they're getting back together, I don't know…" Kate smiled and squeezed Shannon's hand, trying to show her some support.

"And now you're jealous..."

"I'm not jealous, Susie! I'm just… uncomfortable. And I'm worried." She smiled a little and Kate looked casually at the door, watching it opening to give place to a couple. The woman was pretty, in a blue knee-length dress, and was followed by a man that made Kate shiver

It was him again, the man from the mall. He was wearing the same clothes as before, dark jeans and a leather jacket that made him look like a bad boy. Kate followed him with her gaze and watched them while they were sitting on a table on the other side of the restaurant. She felt her stomach jump again, when he looked at her and their eyes met again, even through a restaurant full of people. He smiled a little, and she couldn't help a smile either. She felt herself blushing again and turned herself to face Shannon who was looking at her with an expression that was at the same time amused and astonished.

"Were you checking that guy out?" Kate blushed even more, and hid her face behind her hands. Shannon laughed. "I can't believe you were! Well, the guy is definitely hot, but you know… you're married."

"I know that, Shannon! And I wasn't checking him out! I was just realizing... I think I know him from somewhere…" Shannon was laughing hard, now, and Kate was getting redder at every word she said.

"Yeah, from my dreams! The man is like, gorgeous!" Kate smiled and looked at her food that was already in her plate. Shannon was still looking at the man, and Kate kicked her under the table. "Sorry, miss Susan… It won't happen again

----------------------

When they finished their meal, Kate had to go wash her hands, while Shannon stood on the table and called Boone. She got up and walked through the restaurant towards the bathroom, while trying not to look at the table near the window. She managed to get to the girls' room without even a glance, and smiled proudly as she entered it, starting to wash her hands vigorously. When she was finished, she got out of the small cubicle rapidly, but her face and body hit something hard.

She felt herself blush again when she realized she was colliding against him, the man from the dressing room, and now the restaurant. He looked at her with a smile on his face, showing a couple of dimples that made her stomach jump for the third time that day. She smiled too, preparing to move away, but something kept her right there. Oh, yeah. It was a wall.

"Could you please…"

"Let you out? Oh, let me see, Freckles: it's the second time we meet today, and this time you smiled. That mean you like me?" she expected herself to blush again, but something broke inside herself, giving her the will and the spirit to continue the conversation.

"Well, I think you have a lady expecting you on the table that certainly likes you, am I wrong?" he kept smiling.

"You're right. But I had to know if you were interested, Freckles." She smiled.

"I have a name, you know?" he kept smiling and changed his position, so that she was free to go if she wanted. She didn't.

"I didn't know. I thought your parents had called you Freckles. Hell, I thought it was appropriate." She laughed a little and felt herself relax. In her head, a little voice was screaming at her for being in a restaurant bathroom with a man she didn't really know, but she felt so good that she decided to ignore it. "So let's hear it. The name."

"Susan. My name is Susan. Yours?" he smiled and she felt him back away a little.

"Sawyer." She didn't know what came through her mind, but the words came out of her mouth without her even realizing it.

"That's not your real name." his face grew serious as their eyes met, and the growing tension was almost visible.

"Neither is yours." She felt a wave of panic coming through her and stormed out of the bathroom, leaving him there, and walking quickly to her table, where Shannon was sitting, waiting for her. She pulled some bills out of her purse and left them on the table, pulling Shannon with her to the street.

--------------------------

After telling Shannon she wasn't feeling very well and leaving her at her school, Kate walked to her car, sitting behind the wheel with a strange feeling inside herself. How did she let herself go into that flirt? And how did he know Susan wasn't her name? She had erased all the signs from her previous life long ago, even before marrying Jack, so that nobody would recognize her. Kate Austen was dead, and Susan Shepard was alive. That was all that mattered. She tried to calm herself down. He could be just defending himself. She had accused him of lying, and for some people, the rational thing to do was return the accusation. That was probably it. But she had another problem. She had flirted with a man, without even thinking about her husband. She felt terribly, but at the same time, something inside her told her that it was nothing more than a flirt. It was harmless.

------------------------

She picked Ella up from the kindergarten and placed her in her car seat, fastening the seat belt and putting on her head the 'princess crown' she had made that morning. The girl stared at the mirror Kate gave her and moved her head to see if the crown suited her, smiling. Kate started the car and looked at her daughter through the mirror, smiling. She was as vain as every girl would be, dreaming of becoming the princess of some distant country, with a prince charming and a white horse waiting for her outside her castle. And Kate wouldn't be the one to spoil her baby's dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

This was something I felt I had to write... I know some skate readers won't like it, but I needed to show Kate's life with Jack, and how she lives and feels it. so, I hope you all like it

-------------

**Chapter 3**

Kate was standing in the kitchen, cooking dinner, while Ella was laying in the carpet in front of the tv, with her eyes glued to the cartoons. She looked at the little girl to make sure she wasn't faling asleep and kept cooking, glancing at the clock. It was 6pm, and Jack wasn't home yet. She sighed, hating his job and the time it took from her and her family. When she had married him, she had married a reliable, serious man, who wanted to start a family and dedicate his life to his wife and kids. That wasn't the Jack she was living with now. For starters, they only had one child. One beautiful, perfect child, that was. Kate couldn't help a smile. When she found out she was pregnant, before even talking to Jack about marriage, she panicked. She didn't want a child, she was only twenty-five years old and felt like she had a whole life ahead of her before thinking about babies. The thought of leaving town and having an abortion made crossed her mind several times, and when she made up her mind about it, Jack stopped her. He wanted to have the child. And he wanted to marry her. At first, the thought scared her. Marriage was serious, and would require some civil registrations that she was hesitant to allow. In her _condition_, she should try and stay as hidden as she could. But Jack was such an amazing guy, and the thought of settling down and bulding a home was tempting. She made up her mind about it when he asked her out and proposed in the middle of the street, stopping traffic all around them and causing chaos. "But a nice chaos" she thought.

Kate looked at her girl again, smiling. How could she ever think about giving that child up? The thought of living without her was nearly unbearable, now. Ella had become Kate's whole life, her world.

Feeling an overwhelming wave of love washing through her, Kate cleaned her hands and walked towards the girl, picking her up from the floor and giving her a noisy kiss on the cheek. The girl tried to look at the television, but Kate didn't allow it, spinning with her around the living room and leting herself fall on the carpet again. Ella started laughing and Kate did too.

"Mommy, that tickles!" Ella said, laughing, while Kate poked her in her belly.

"Yeah, and it'll tickle even more!" they were both laughing when they heard the front door closing. Eleanor raised her head from the floor and Kate did too, both smiling, and looked at the doorframe, where Jack was standing. He looked tired, but his smile seemed to indicate he was happy to be home.

Kate raised herself from the carpet, while Ella was already running towards her dad and jumping into his arms. Jack picked the little girl up and kissed her cheek, smiling at Kate, who was walking in his direction with a smile on her face. When she reached him, she planted a soft kiss on his lips, while he put his arm around her waist and kept her lips on his. She smiled through the kiss and he let her go, putting Ella on the floor. The little girl ran back to the television, leaving her parents alone in the doorway.

"I'm sorry about this morning, Susie. I was a jerk." Kate smiled. How did he do that? Erase all the anger she had been gathering through the day with just one sentence? She smiled.

"Yeah, you were. But I'll forgive you." She smiled and kissed him again. "Just this once, though..."

-------------------

Ella was jumping on her bed, while Kate was trying to get her dressed in her pajamas. The bottom part was already on, but the girl was now topless and jumping up and down, while Kate looked at her with an exasperated look on her face. When she finally managed to get the girl dressed, she opened the bed and Ella hid herself under the blankets; Kate smiled and looked for Penny, Ella's red-head doll, who also had purple eyes. When she found it under the bed, she put it inside the blankets with the girl, who hugged her doll as if it was a baby. Kate smiled.

"Mommy, will you sing me a song?" Kate laughed a little. Her voice was terrible, but her baby still loved to hear her sing.

"Sure, baby. Which one do you want?" Ella pretended to think for a couple of seconds, mimicking a serious expression, and answered.

"The heart!" Kate sighed.

"Again? Sweetie, I sang that one last night. And the night before that!" Ella laughed and Kate sighed.

"I like it. Can you sing it? Please? Please?" Kate cleared her throat as the girl made an accomplished smile.

"_In the heart of every girl, there´s always room for valentines, and boys to kneel and take their hands, with words as sweet as summer wine_" Kate sang the song for a while, until she felt Ella's breathing become shallow and realize she was asleep. She tugged the blankets around the girl and turned to the door, seeing Jack there, smiling at her.

"You were singing Elton John _again_?" Kate smiled and dropped her head on Jack's shoulder, while he laughed.

"She likes it, what can I do?" she sighed "I kinda like it too..."

"I know you do." Jack kissed her passionately, putting his arms around her waist and lifting her up from the floor. Kate let herself into the kiss, relaxing and ondulating her body against his. She smiled through the kiss, and Jack pulled away.

"Let's go to bed" Kate said, as she kissed him again.

-----------------------

The faint moonlight invaded the room as Kate and Jack were lying on their bed, both naked. Jack had the sheets around his waist and was sleeping quietly, making small sounds as he dreamt. Kate, who had the sheets covering her from her chest to her legs, was sitting on the bed, wide awake, staring at the window. She let her head fall back, hitting on the wall behind the bed with a thud; she lifted her hand to rub the back of her head and got out of the bed, standing naked in front of the window, before finding the t-shirt and sweat pants that were used as pajamas and putting them on. Leaving the room silently, Kate walked through the hallway that lead to a small room, painted by the moon in black and white shadows.

The room was comfortable, with two couches and pillow everywhere, and big bookshelfs filling almost every wall. A desk, filled with papers and notebooks, was standing in front of the window, focusing the faint light on itself. Kate walked to the chair and sat down, putting her feet on top of the desk. She stared at the landscape surrounding her house, little lights from other houses and gardens illuminated by the street lamps. Sighing, she let her head fall on her hand and closed her eyes, feeling opressed.

She was supposed to be happy. She was supposed to be satisfied by the life she had chosen; she wasn't supposed to walk around in the middle of the night sighing and thinking about her old life. Hell, she hadn't thought abouth that life in a while. Months, even. She was good at escaping her own thoughts, and had sucessfully evaded those states of mind, at least for the last couple of months. Now they were coming back to haunt her, and she was starting to think it was too much for her to bear.

With a trembling hand, Kate took a small key from silver box and used it to open the center drawer of the desk. Without looking, she picked up a little airplane toy, exposing it to the moonlight. Dropping it on one of the notebooks that was on the desk, she closed the drawer and stared at it, her eyes filling with tears. In a quick movement, she reopened the drawer and dropped the small airplane inside it, closing it with a louder noise than she expected. Using the key, she locked it again, putting the key back inside the small box and getting up.

While making her way back to the bedroom, she decided that she wasn't going to let her past interfere with her present life. She was happy now, and wanted to stay like that for the rest of her life. Getting back into her bed, she looked at Jack, who was still sleeping peacefully; she couldn't bring herself to touch him. Instead, she turned her back on him and layed down on her side, pulling the sheet and blankets against her chest. Closing her eyes, she wiped a tear that was falling down her face and tried to sleep, but her mind was still awake, with a sensation of guilt that was driving her crazy.

She could only ask herself why. Why did Sawyer's face come to her mind when she reached her climax with Jack.


	4. Chapter 4

The streets of Boston were chaotic. There were cars everywhere, and irritated people yelling at each other. It was raining, which was enough reason for Kate to feel like screaming too. When she lived in the country, she loved the rain; after moving to the city, she realized she couldn't enjoy it as she did before. She was in the car alone, running some errands while waiting for the time to pick Ella up from kindergarten. The chaos was starting to get on her nerves, and the rainy mood she was in wasn't helping. Two weeks had passed since the day she had seen that man, the mysterious Sawyer. "Or whatever his name is", she thought. She almost didn't think about him at all, those two weeks, but now, while stopped in front of the restaurant where she'd met him for the secont time, the images were coming to Kate's mind again. Most of all, she remembered his scent. A masculine mix of aftershave and the leather from his jacket. And tobacco. She was almost certain that he was a smoker.

Hearing a horn, she focused back on the traffic, feeling like she was abruptly stolen from her day dream. Wanting to get away from the mess the streets were turned in, she parked the car in front of a flower store, getting out of it quickly. She was about to enter the Starbucks next to that store when she noticed it. The store was small and filled with flowers of every possible kind, invading the air with a soft but penetrating perfume that drove Kate into it. Entering the tiny space, she was surprised for not hearing the sounds of the street, fact that immediatly calmed her down. She wandered through the lines of flowers, softly running her fingers through them. Roses, daisies, marigolds, violets and other flowers filled the space, giving it a colourful touch that improved Kate's mood. While walking through the aisles of flowers, Kate noticed a counter with an old oriental lady working behind it. Kate walked beside it, smiling at the old lady, who gave her a joyful smile in return. Turning around, Kate started walking through another aisle, but a voice stopped her.

"Mugwort improves your happiness. Take some of them home with you, _koishii_. You don't need to pay for them; I can see you need them." Kate felt a lump growing in her throat, when the old lady said that, without even taking her eyes from the work she was doing. Kate approached her counter, with a sad expression on her face, but without saying a word. She was afraid she might cry if she spoke. The old lady looked up at her and smiled a kind smile that made Kate want to cry even more. "I know, I know. It's hard to admit you're not happy, when you have in your mind that you're _supposed_ to be happy with what you have; you wouldn't want to spoil the life you built. But maybe it's time for you to let that idea of perfection you have in your head go and just move along with the current. Go where the sea takes you; don't impose your will on it."

The old lady said all this while Kate was looking at her and trying her best not to cry. Glancing at her hands, she was preparing to leave, but the lady streched her arm and caught her.

"_Koishii_, your future is waiting for you. And it's coming right through that door." Kate turned her head to see the door opening and a figure coming in. The old lady turned her back and entered a small door that should lead to the back of the store, leaving Kate alone with the figure that had just entered. Moving to the second aisle, she continued watching the flowers, trying not to care about what the old lady had told her.

The walkways were filled with flowers, but the top of them was a space that allowed Kate to see the other side of the aisle, where the other person was. She didn't need to look, though. A voice that she hadn't heard in a while made her stomach jump.

"Damn me if I can pick out flowers..." he mumbled, with that southern accent that had been in Kate's mind for two weeks. She shivered, and tried to look away, but he had seen her through the space on top of the flowers. "Freckles? You here?" she smiled.

"I told you my name isn't Freckles." he smiled too, and she felt herself get dizzy. And they were only talking through the aisles.

"And I know your name ain't Susan either..."

"You sure you wanna get into that name thing again?" he smiled at her through the small space. She didn't feel herself blush, like the other times, but felt something good, as if she had re-encountered something she had been missing for a long time.

"Nah, no need." He paused, looking at the flowers again. "So, wanna help me choose something?" Kate smiled. Walking to the other side of the aisle and putting herself near him, she smiled at him and looked at the flowers.

"What have you done?" he looked at her, amazed. She laughed a little, looking at the flowers again after a quick glance at his face. She felt comfortable with him. She felt like she could be herself, and how was it possible, if she didn't even know him properly? She didn't understand the way he made her feel, but it was diferent from anything she's ever felt. She wasn't in love with him, no. She was married to Jack, and loved him, but that unknown man made her feel free, and thrilled. She liked that feeling so much that she decided to stay and help him choose the flowers. It was harmless, after all.

When she looked back at him, he was staring at her.

"How can you say I've done _anything_? You don't even know me!" he said, while Kate laughed.

"Come on. Men only buy flowers when they've done something wrong." She said, laughing at his serious face.

"You've been getting flowers from the wrong man, sweetcheeks." Kate's face turned serious, so she turned to the door until she could compose herself. Smiling again, she turned her eyes back to Sawyer, who was staring at her with a look of expectation.

"What?" when he didn't say anything, she smiled "Come on, tell me what you did." He sighed, making a tired gesture with his hand.

"Got home drunk, last night." Kate kept looking at him, smiling. "For the third time this week." He paused "She made me sleep on the damn couch!"

"Ok, so you need something to apologize. You don't know what her favourite flower is, do you?" he looked at her, completely lost."Thought so. I'd go with the Lilly of the valley. For the return of happiness!"

"Yeah, that's ok... let me just take a bunch of them and..."

"Or you could go with the tulips... they mean love. More like a declaration of love. And they're my personal favourites." Kate was absorbed by the plants, now, while Sawyer looked at her. Her mother had taught her the meanings of flowers when she was a little girl, and she never forgot them. Especially the tulips.

Coming out of her thoughts as if she was coming back from a trance, she caught him looking at her, which made her blush. Looking at the flowers, she smiled shyly.

"I'd go with the tulips." He made some kind of a 'thank you' groan and took a bunch of red tulips from the bucket where they were settled, placing them on the counter. The old lady came out of the door and smiled at him, making a beautiful composition with paper and bamboo around the flowers. He paid for them and Kate was preparing to leave, when she felt him behind her, coming out of the store with her.

"Hey, I was wondering... maybe I could buy you a coffee. To thank you, you know." He smiled and showed his dimples, making her stomach jump again. She couldn't help but smile.

"I'm married." She said, and he smiled.

"So what? I'm not asking you to come to bed with me, I'm asking if I can get you a damn coffee." His smile widened. "Though I could take care of the bed part too, if you wanted."

"Coffee is fine." She smiled and entered Starbucks, with him at her back. A couple of schoolgirls were getting out as they were trying to get in, and they bumped into them, making Kate get almost glued to Sawyer's chest. The girls giggled and proceded to the street, as Kate felt her face get red again. Kate spotted a table near a window and sat there, while Sawyer remained standing, looking at her. "What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? What does the princess drink?" Kate smiled.

"The princess will drink a vanilla latte, please." He smiled at her. "What?"

"I knew you were a 'vanilla latte' chick."

"Hey, I'm not a chick. I'm a lady. I have a ring on my finger to prove it." She raised her hand, smiling, and he stared at it with a knowing look.

"Expensive. He must be rich." She laughed.

"Would you please go get the coffees? I have to pick my daughter up from kindergarten." He smiled and turned to the counter, walking towards it. Kate rested her face in her hands, sighing, mad at herself. With that last sentence, she had revealed just too much. He didn't need to know she had a daughter. He didn't even need to know she had a wealthy husband! For all she knew, he could be some kind of con artist, trying to steal her money and ruin her husband. But there was something about him, about his behaviour near her. It was almost as if the feeling of freedom was common to both of them, as if he was genuinly happy to be with her. As if he was just like her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the thud of the coffees hitting the table. He placed her vanilla latte in front of her and she smiled.

"Thanks." She took a sip, while he did the same, and soon they were both sat in a comfortable silence, looking through the windows as if they were alone. Kate caught herself thinking about how alike they were, when she heard him.

"So, how old is she?" Kate blinked a couple of times, trying to figure out what he was asking. "You said you had a daughter. How old is she?" Kate smiled.

"She's four" he smiled.

"Sassy age. She must be a blast." Kate couldn't help smiling again. Whenever she talked about her little girl, she couldn't avoid the smile that danced on her lips.

"She is. Smart and beautiful. And she's a drama queen. A small one, but still a drama queen." Sawyer smiled and Kate did too, finishing her drink. When she looked at her hands, she noticed her fingers were wet with coffee, so she got up. "I'm gonna wash my hands. I'll be right back"

"Sure, ma'am." He smiled and showed his dimples again, making her melt on the inside. She went to the bathroom and washed her hands quickly, almost as if she was afraid he'd run away. "Silly." She thought. "As if he would go without saying anything".

To her surprise, when she came back to the table, he wasn't there. Instead, his coffee cup was placed on the center of the circle that formed the table, and there were two tulips inside it. On the side, it said "Thanks for the help. There's one for you and another one for your little drama queen." And below these words, there was a phone number.


	5. Chapter 5

Kate sat behind the wheel with a smile. Picking the two flowers from the coffee cup, she placed them on the passenger seat, keeping the cup in her hand. She looked at it, examining the text and the phone number. It was local. Downtown Boston, somewhere close to where she was in that moment. Instinctively she looked around her car and, turning her eyes back to the white cup in her hand, she opened the glove compartment, shoving the cup inside of it and closing it. Looking at her empty hands, she took a last glance at the flowers and started the car.

--------

Ella was already placed in her chair with a fastened seatbelt, when Kate took her place behind the wheel again. Smiling at the little girl, she started the car and moved in the direction of the Boston suburbs. Ella was looking through the window of the car, humming a song she had learnt on a Disney movie, 'Beauty and the Beast'. Kate looked at her through the mirror and smiled.

"I don't know how you can memorize all those songs..." Ella looked at her and smiled, looking through the window again.

"That's because I'm gonna be a singer!" Kate laughed a little, trying not to show it. It could hurt her feelings, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Oh really? How does that work?" Ella tapped her knee impatiently, which made Kate want to laugh even more.

"You know. I'll make shows, and people will throw flowers at me!" the little girl looked at Kate with such a joyful smile, that she couldn't help a laugh escape her mouth.

"Who told you about the flowers, sweetie?"

"Miss Rose told me that the _fins_ always throw flowers at their favourite singers!" Kate smiled.

"The _fans_, honey, not _fins_." She paused as the girl started looking through the window again. "I have something for you, Ella." Her daugher looked at her with a smile, making her laugh. Kate picked one of the flowers up from the passenger seat and, while stopped in traffic, passed it to the little girl. Ella took the flower and smiled, until she realized it was a tulip.

"Mommy, there's something wrong with this rose..." Kate laughed hard, while the girl pouted.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, baby! It's just that it's not a rose, it's a tulip. Tulips look like that!" Kate paused, while the girl smelt the red tulip she had in her hand. "Wanna know what it means?"

"Yeah." Ella looked at Kate as if she was a superior being, something she wanted to be. Kate recalled looking at her own mother like that when she had introduced her to the flower's meanings. Kate smiled at her girl and started talking.

"A tulip means love. It's a declaration of love. When you offer somebody a tulip, it means that you love that person." Ella inhaled the flower's scent again and smiled.

"So you love me?" Kate smiled and turned her head to her daughter.

"I love you." Ella laughed

---------------

When Jack got home, Kate and Eleanor were taking a bath together. Kate was sitting in the tub, while Ella was standing up and was washing her mother's hair with her little hands. She wasn't doing a very good job, but Kate didn't mind. She was having fun, and that was all that mattered.

Jack knocked on the door before coming in, and smiled when he saw what Ella was doing. He kissed the little girl, who smiled and continued her job with a serious face, and then planted a quick kiss on Kate's cheek. Sitting on the floor next to them, he sighed and looked at his wife.

"What's wrong?" he tried to smile but failed, and all that came out was a weird expression.

"Nothing. I'm glad to be home, that's all." They smiled at each other and Ella splashed them both when she was trying to wash the shampoo out of Kate's hair. They laughed, while Ella continued immersed in her task.

--------------

Kate was standing in front of the counter, while Jack was sitting in one of the wooden chairs by her side. She was cooking dinner, and Ella was, as usual, watching television. Kate sometimes felt like the little girl spent more time with the TV than with her father, but she was actually enjoying the silence. Jack had a glass of wine in front of him, and was drinking quietly, glancing at her every once in a while. Kate suddenly felt as if she was being observed and compared to someone else. Glancing at Jack, she realized he was staring at her with a strange look on his face. She smiled at him, but he continued to stare at her with a serious expression.

"What?" he stared at her with teary eyes, and Kate placed the knife in the sink, turning to face him. She was becoming worried. The dim light didn't allow her to see much, but she knew something was wrong with Jack. "Jack, what's happening?"

"Do you love me, Susan?" he was calling her Susan, instead of Susie. That couldn't be good. She was about to answer him, but something made her get mute. It was only for a few seconds, but the number of scenes that passed through her mind in those three of four seconds had such impact on her that she had to move her hand to the counter for some support.

In that small gap, an amazing series of images crossed Kate's mind. The first one, a blurry one, was that encounter with Sawyer in the restaurant bathroom. She felt, for a split moment, the scent that drove her into him. The next scene was the one from the flower store. She revived that moment when she asked him what he'd done, and when he made that half smile, with such realism that she could almost feel the petals of the flowers between her fingers. She also remembered that moment in starbucks, when she had talked about Ella, the warmness of the latte in her hands and the heat radiating from his eyes on her body.

All these sensations in such a short time made Kate blush, and Jack noticed.

"So? Do you love me?" Kate felt cornered. Turning back to the food, she began chopping some carrots.

"Of course I do. Why do you want to know?" she managed to avoid saying the word 'love'. For some reason, she wasn't so sure about it. She also felt like turning the knife to herself and sticking it in, just to punish herself for that thought. Jack was her husband. Not only her husband, he was Ella's father. She was married, and that bond was bigger than anything she'd ever built in her life. She didn't want to give it up, but Sawyer's image kept coming to her mind, and making her have doubts that some time ago seemed impossible for her to have. It was as if she had spent the last four years building a castle, just to find out that she preferred to be in the small cabin she had in the forest. Kate smiled at this thought. Ever since she'd had Ella, her brain was filled with fairytale comparisons. But life wasn't a fairytale. "Neither is love" she thought with a smile. "Why do you want to know that, Jack?"

"No reason" he got up and picked up his glass of wine from the counter, turning his back on Kate. He sat on the floor and watched the cartoons with Ella, while Kate kept preparing their meal.

-------------------------

Jack was already in bed, but Kate couldn't bring herself to stop moving. She was hyperactive, that night, and even with the house immersed in that comfortable silence, she felt like she couldn't possibly sleep. Her mind was busy, thinking about what she was going to do with her life. Her marriage was sinking. For some reason, she and Jack just weren't the same people they were when they had married, and the diferences had increased since the last two weeks. She tried to keep her mind off Sawyer, but it was impossible. It was just as if he had showed her the world she was missing. He made her feel what she hadn't felt in a long time, the thrill and the rush of a harmless flirt, of an uninterested friendship. Or maybe more than that.

She tried to make those thoughts disappear, when she noticed a pile of clothes, standing in the corner of the bedroom. Walking to them, Kate picked them up from the floor and took them downstairs, to the washing machine they had in the basement. When she got there, she started separating the clothes by the color, black to one side, white for the other side. Jack's shirt was the last one, and her heart skipped a bit when she raised it from the top of the machine.

Feeling her throat getting dry, Kate let herself slide down the wall of the basement and sat on the cold floor, holding his shirt with both hands. Her face was pale and her eyes were filled with tears, but she could see it anyway. It almost seemed like it was there for her to see. The bright red lipstick mark inside the collar of the shirt. Feeling one tear fall on her naked leg, she smiled a little. "Good thing I don't use red lipstick" she thought with a sigh. And then she started sobbing.


	6. Chapter 6

It's a real shame for me, not telling this before, but I have to give some credit to Roxy, from LF, for the amazing beta reading! you rock, babe!

----------

It was close to midnight; Kate could see it by the light that was invading the living room. She was sitting on the couch, wearing only the shorts and the t-shirt she was wearing two hours ago, when she was starting the washing machine. Her hair was falling down her back soft and curly as ever, and her eyes were glued to the yellow wall in front of her. She still had Jack's shirt in her hand, but she didn't want to look at it, not in that particular time. She'd stared at it for almost thirty minutes when she was sitting in the cold floor of the basement, her eyes filled with tears and her hands gripping it so hard that she tough she would shred it. Now she was still holding it, but in a soft way, as if was a dead animal, with some kind of twisted respect.

Kate had seen her life fall apart in the last two hours. All the doubts she had had about her relationship with Jack vanished when she saw that lipstick mark. He was her husband, for God's sake. He was the father of her child, how could he do that to her? She had trusted him with all her heart and mind, and he had betrayed her. And that was something she couldn't forgive. But then, there was Ella. She didn't deserve to go through the same as her mother. She didn't want her to go through a divorce and who would keep her, anyway? Kate wasn't in position to go to a custody hearing. Her past wouldn't allow her to. Kate Austen was dead, but what if someone recognized her as that person? She couldn't give herself the luxury of fighting for her daughter's custody. It was too big a risk.

Kate decided, in that moment, to continue what she had started. She would remain married to Jack, for as long as she could. She had to do it. She had to be able to do it, to find that strength in herself. For her daughter, for that little girl who meant more than the world to her. And she could forgive him, if he promised not to do it again. Lots of women did that, forgive their husbands, and the relationship became better and better after that. For a moment, she almost believed in that.

Getting up, she took the shirt with her and went to the basement in her usual, quick-paced walk. When she got there, she put the shirt in the washer and closed it with a strength that she didn't know she had in herself. All her hatred, all her frustration were poured into that slam, and she went up the stairs as fast as she could. Entering her room, she saw Jack still in bed, sleeping and snoring lightly. She couldn't help a giggle, a nervous one, that she felt as totally inappropriate but also completely irresistible, so she closed herself in the bathroom and laughed. She laughed hard, biting her mouth to try and stop herself from making noise. She felt like her conscience was light, for the first time in a long time. She had betrayed him, when she hadn't told about her past, but now he'd done the same. If not worse. She laughed until the tears reached her eyes, and then she cried and laughed at the same time, making a weird noise that was hard to muffle.

When the laughter quietened and she felt herself relax, Kate looked at the mirror. Her face was puffy and red from crying, and tired. Extremely tired. As if she had been carrying the weight of the world on her back. Kate looked away as the tears threatened to get her once more and opened the door, glancing at the quiet room. Turning off the bathroom light, she went to her closet and picked up some clothes, dressing them quickly, a pair of jeans and a red fitting sweater. Putting her shoes on too, she walked to Ella's room, where she was sleeping quietly. "Without snoring." Kate though to herself with a smile. She got close to the girl's bed and leaned in to kiss her in the forehead. Sitting by her side, Kate tugged the blankets around her daughter and tried to hold her without waking her up.

"I love you so much, Ella." Kate sobbed involuntarily, but tried not to make any noise while she was holding the little girl in her arms. "Mommy loves you so much, sweetie. That's why I have to do this, baby, to make sure I don't do anything worse." Kissing her daughter's forehead, she placed her in bed again and covered her, putting the red haired doll beside her.

Getting a paper from the girl's desk, Kate wrote down a note and left it near the girls bed. That was all she was going to say that night.

------------------------

Driving out of her garage, Kate started her way to Boston. Her cell phone was connected to the car kit, and she kept on trying to call Shannon. She knew she could trust her with that burden, and she was the only person she could think of right now. Shannon would understand and tell her what to do. If she would pick up the damn phone.

Kate drove without really seeing what was ahead of her. Her eyes were getting blurry from the tears again, as she sighed in frustration for Shannon not picking up the phone. Clinging fiercely to the driving wheel, Kate made her best not to sob, without any results. She kept crying as she drove into the city and stopped the car in front of Shannon's house, realizing the light was out. She stood there for a while, watching the other cars pass by, seeing them stop in redlights, and pass her by at high velocity. She was starting to feel better, just standing there. It was almost as if this body, this mind she had right there, wasn't hers. As if she was still at home, while some part of her wandered in the city, fulfilling her crave for freedom.

When almost an hour had passed, she decided to call Shannon again, and this time, she picked up the phone. Her voice was sleepy and tired, and Kate regreted calling her friend almost immediately.

"Hello?" Kate paused, wondering if she should speak "Hello?"

"Shann? It's Susan." Kate heard a sigh, and raised her hand to her eyes, feeling strangely embarassed.

"Susan? What's wrong?" Kate sighed and felt the tears coming to her eyes again, and struggled not to let the out. It was a vain effort.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to..." Kate paused again, feeling her voice break "I wanted to know how you were"

"Susie, you wanted to know how I am at two in the morning?" Kate smiled, feeling herself blush even though she was alone. "Come on, tell me what's wrong." She didn't speak, which made Shannon's voice get more awake. "Susie?"

"I... uh. I found something." Kate felt her voice breaking again and stopped talking.

"What did you find, Susie? Better, where are you?" Kate laughed a little.

"I'm parked in front of your building." Shannon made an upset sound with her tongue, and Kate laughed through the tears.

"Sht, I'm not there! Susie, I'm in LA... Sabrina's getting mad, and Boone needs me here... I wish I could be there with you, sweetie." Kate wiped a tear from her face.

"I wish you were here too."

"So, what did you find?" Kate inhaled deeply before saying it.

"I found lipstick. In a shirt." Kate paused, and Shannon didn't say anything either. She seemed to be in shock. Kate smiled a little. At least she wasn't saying the old 'I told you so' line.

"Wait a sec... Jack's shirt? Whoa. Whoa there, Susie, are you sure?" Kate smiled. Shannon didn't believe her, just like she had thought.

"Yeah. Red. Bright red, in fact."

"Dreadful colour."

"Totally." They laughed a little, both of them, with the sudden change in the conversation. Kate heard Shannon moving in bed, that muffled sound of the sheets. Maybe she was in bed with Boone. Kate suddenly felt like a twelve year old.

"What are you going to do? I mean... are you gonna leave him?" Kate smiled little through her sobs, placing one hand on the driving wheel.

"No. I don't know. I have Ella. I don't want her to go through that."

"Shut up. You gotta talk to him before deciding anything." Kate nodded, as if Shannon was standing right in front of her. "Well,you know where my spare key is, right? Stay at my house for as long as you want, dear. Take Ella with you" Kate continued to nodd, without even realizing it.

"I don't think it will be necessairy. But thanks anyway."

"I'm here for that, sweetie. And I'm here for whatever you need." Kate smiled and sobbed at the same time, making such a strange face that even the thought of it made her laugh.

"Yeah. I know. Thanks."

"You're welcome. I'm so sorry I'm not there for you." Kate smiled.

"You are." Hanging up the phone, Kate buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

Her whole body was shaking and she felt like kicking something, hard, with all the anger that had been building inside her. She raised her feet and kicked the door, the passenger seat and everything around it, without really leaving marks, but hurting herself in the proccess. Her hand hit the car radio, and now it was bleeding. She looked at the blood and, feeling another wave of anger coming over her, she kicked the door and the glove compartment, hitting it so hard that it opened, dropping some of its contents to the floor.

Still crying, Kate bowed down to reach the fallen items, and put them inside the compartment again, closing it. She was calmer now. When she bowed for a secnod time, to verify if there was anything left, her eyes found a white object, hidden under the seat. Picking it up, she realized it was the coffee cup she had put there earlier, with the message and the phone number, written in black over the clean white of the paper cup. She smiled a little, while she looked at the phone number. Picking her cell phone up from the passenger seat, she pressed the numbers quickly, turning off the car kit and raising the cell to her ear. The phone only rang twice. He picked it up with a sure and awake voice.

"Hello." Kate felt herself shrug and smiled, wiping the tears away from her face. She couldn't bring herself to talk, somehow. This phone call wasn't just a phone call, it was a statement. It was a decision. It was her, admitting that she wasn't the happy woman everyone thought she was, admitting she didn't want to be the 'stepford wife' that everone expected her to be. That phone call was her ticket to the real life. The life she had before _that event_. Pausing, she took a deep breath. Speaking would mean that she was opening herself to him. To Sawyer. Not her husband, but a man she had seen twice.

"Yeah, hello." She paused. " Sawyer? This is Susan... Freckles."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The rain was still pouring down hard, as Kate remained in the car, waiting. Her eyes were focusing on the streetlights, changing from red to green, to yellow and red again. Her eyes were starting to unfocus, and she decided to look away, checking out the clock instead. It was half past two and she was parked in a street she didn't know, somewhere in Boston centre, waiting for a man she had seen twice. On the other side of the street was a park, with dense foliage, that could hide any type of crime, she thought with a smile.

While she sat there, she could almost picture him getting ready. Putting on some boxers and denims; t-shirt, a dark one, probably old-looking. His leather jacket, clearly too hot for the weather of June. But, then again, that rain wasn't normal in June. She could picture him leaving a woman naked in his bed. Maybe that woman, that Cass that he had with him in the restaurant. Kate smiled. He probably had a woman in bed with him and he still wanted to meet her.

A knock on the window made her smile disappear and her mind come back to reality. He was standing there, in the rain, waiting for her. Her stomach jumped as she unlocked the doors of the car, letting him in. He opened it quickly and entered, sitting on the passenger seat and looking at her like she was insane, while cleaning his face from the pouring rain.

"Damn rain! It's June for God's sake!" he muttered, while she looked at him with a small smile. His eyes locked with hers and her smile disappeared. She felt like he was reading her, seeing through her, getting free access to her mind and her thoughts. He smiled a little and she did too, looking away and placing her hands on the wheel again.

"Hey" she said when she brought herself to look at him again. He was smiling, and his dimples made him look like a schoolboy who knew he was handsome enough to get away with almost anything.

"Is there a reason for you to ask me to come down at 2am, Freckles? 'Cause hell, I could be in bed with a beautiful specimen, right now." Bingo. Kate couldn't help a smile, and he looked at her with a curious expression. Her face grew serious when she was reminded the reason of her calling him. It was becoming almost too painful to think about Jack's shirt, but the image of that stain in the white shirt kept coming to her mind. She looked away from him and tried to hide the tears that were coming back to her eyes, but he didn't let her. He put his hand under her chin and turned her face to him again, his expression changing when he realized she was crying.

Kate couldn't bring herself to talk. Her eyes were glued to his and, for the first time in years, she was crying in front of somebody without feeling a trace of shame or regret. It was as if he was just like her, as if he wouldn't judge her. She felt like she could be anybody with him. Even Kate.

"Susan, what happened?" she smiled through the tears and he let his hand fall on hers instinctively. That contact, their first contact skin on skin, made both of them uncomfortable, and they withdrew their hands at the same time, both looking foward, to the rain. The faint light made them hide their fears and desires, and made the car feel strangely cozy.

"He's having an affair. My husband." Sawyer looked at her and she turned her face away from him, making him look away too. They were in silence for almost a minute, analysing what Kate had just said. It wasn't just a statement; it had its implications. Why was she telling him that? Was he supposed to do anything about it?

"Why are you telling me this?" Sawyer asked with a sarcastic smile. Kate looked at him and looked away, strangely embarassed.

"I had nobody else to talk with. I don't have many friends..." he cut her off.

"You expect me to believe you don't have girlfriends, or some kind of twisted housewives just like you to talk to?" Kate stopped crying, looking at him. He had that same cocky smile he had in the restaurant, that made her stomach jump and her brain get slow, but even that couldn't stop the wave of rage that was coming over her. Her eyes met his and she could see he regretted saying that. He was still smiling, but there was something in his eyes that told her that he was sorry. He would never put it in words, she knew it, and this thought made her rage grow to the point where she didn't know what to do with it. She could spank the glove compartment again, or she could get out of the car and just stand in the rain. She took the second option.

Under his shocked look, Kate got out of the car and walked in the pouring rain, moving towards the other side of the street. She felt betrayed for the second time that night, and this time was hurting as much as the previous one. As she waited for the cars to stop and let her cross the street, she felt herself shake with sobs that came from her deepest core. Not really seeing what was ahead of her, she walked foward, hearing the horn of a car coming in her direction and feeling a pair of hands pulling her away from the road.

Her face hit his chest and he wrapped his arms around her immediately, putting one hand on her back and the other on her hair, feeling her wet hair between his fingers. She let him hold her, while she sobbed and hit his chest with her wrists. They stood like that, in the rain, for a couple of minutes, not wanting to let go. Kate tried to struggle out of his embrace once, but he held her there, fearing she would run into the middle of the street again.

-------------

When they broke the embrace, Kate looked up at Sawyer with an amazed expression. She felt lighter, as if she had cried the betrayal out of her system while being held by those arms. Still, she was mad at him.

"Why did you say that? Why did you call me a twisted housewife?" he smiled, and she felt herself melt in his arms. She only realized it then, that he was still holding her, and they were talking with their faces so close to each other that their lips were almost touching. She struggled to keep a bit of distance between the two of them, and succeeded. He smiled, while she was looking at him with a serious face.

"Aren't you one?" he said that with a smile that made her smile too, even through the rain was falling in her face "Come on, Susan. You know what I meant."

"My name is not Susan." Kate said that without realizing what she was saying, and when it came out of her mouth, she couldn't help looking away. He looked at her with a satisfied expression.

"Oh really? Old news, sweetcheeks, sorry to tell ya." She smiled against her will, facing that fact lightly for the first time in her life. "My name ain't Sawyer either." He smiled and took her hand, pulling her with him across the street. They were now entering the park, and Kate stopped abruptly. "What?"

"Why are we going there?" he looked at her and took her hand pulling her with him. She still resisted and he stopped too. "We can talk here. Without cars." She smiled, feeling compelled to go into that garden with him. She followed Sawyer and saw the place he meant. It was an old bench that was covered by a wooden structure, standing in the middle of a beautiful garden, illuminated by a street lamp that made the environment slightly mysterious.

Sawyer got there first and sat on the bench, his legs open, with no chivalry at all. Kate looked at him and smiled, thinking of how refreshing that was, not worrying about what was polite or not. Sitting beside him with her arms around her knees, she realized she was soaking wet from the rain, but still wasn't cold. The rain was warm, almost as if they were on a tropical island.

"So, Miss Freckles, what do you have to tell me?" she smiled. She didn't feel like telling him her story right there, so she changed the topic.

"The woman that you had in bed..."

"The fine specimen..."

"Yeah, the fine specimen... Is she the one that was in the restaurant with you, the other day?" he looked at her with a surprised look.

"Who, Cassidy? Nah, that one's gone. Wasn't very smart." Kate couldn't help a laugh. He, of all people, was choosing women for their brains? No way. He noticed her laugh and looked at her with a broad smile, his dimples showing out in all their glory. "What?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking that you don't seem to be the type of man that chooses women for their brains, that's all." He seemed offended with that remark, and Kate almost regretted saying it.

"Yeah, maybe that's why I chose you, Freckles" it was her turn to be offended, and she smacked his arm with all her strength, making him wince with pain.

"A hole!" he laughed and she did the same.

----------------------

After almost an hour sitting on that bench, talking about her life and hearing jokes that made her smack Sawyer in the arm more times than she could count (his arm would be terribly sore, the next day, she was certain of that) Kate looked at the clock. It was almost 4am, and she had to go back home, before Jack could wake up. She still didn't want him to know she knew. Feeling a hint of regret for staying out of her house for so long, she made a serious face that made Sawyer look at her with a curious expression.

"I should be home. I can't believe this night." He looked at her, serious.

"Yeah. It must have been a tough one." Kate couldn't help a smile, one that made him smile too.

"Yeah. I guess finding out that my husband is having an affair, that my best friend is away and being called a twisted housewife isn't a walk in the clouds." He laughed a little.

"Don't forget almost getting hit by a car."

"Yeah, that too." She smiled. "I guess I have to go home. He'll be up in no time, and Ella will too." Sawyer smiled.

"I wanna meet that daughter of yours."

"You will, some day." The comfortable silence that surrounded them made them stay quiet for almost another ten minutes, until Kate got up from the bench and prepared to leave. He followed her to the street, and took her hand again to cross the street, making her smile though the rain again. "I'm not ten, Sawyer."

"Well, you looked younger when you tried to cross it a while ago." She smiled and got in the car, still soaking from the walk they had to do, back from the bench. She fastened her seat belt and lowered the window glass in the passenger seat, allowing him to lean on it. They smiled at each other. "You sure you'll be ok?"

"Yeah. Don't worry." She smiled and he looked at her with a weird smile.

"You didn't tell me your name." She shivered, without knowing if it was from the wet clothes or Sawyer's question.

"It's Kate. Yours?" he looked away, as if he was afraid of her stare.

"James."

"I prefer Sawyer." They shared another smile.

"I prefer Freckles." She laughed.

"Freckles it is." He got away from the car, entering his building, while she started her way home with the early morning light leading her way.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Kate walked into her house with a strange feeling of guilt coming over her. It was almost five in the morning, and the light was starting to invade the kitchen, her first stop. She closed her eyes and leaned on the doorframe, feeling extremely tired for the first time in that night. She was in such a hyperactive mood until then, that now it was almost as if all her energy was seeping from her body, with each breath. Her clothes were still wet, and so was her hair, falling down her back and making her shiver. Still, she leaned on the doorframe for another minute, feeling her legs get almost numb. When she opened her eyes, looking at the table, she saw him.

She was hidden behind a column and he had his back turned to her, so he hadn't realized she was there. He was wearing his boxers and a grey t-shirt that made him look strangely old. Oddly enough, Kate didn't feel like hitting him, or calling him names. She didn't even feel like arguing with him. She didn't have any rage left inside herself, only a wave of pity that was starting to run through her veins. He looked so defenseless, sitting on that chair, with his hands on the table and the black mug between them, the faint morning light touching the skin of his arm. If she wanted, she could kill him right there. She could easily take the knife from the drawer, without noise, and slash his throat for betraying her. For a second, she considered that option as if it was actually possible. She smiled a bit, feeling like a girl who imagined that her teacher's head was blowing up in the middle of the classroom, and walked to him, slowly placing her hand on his back. He shrugged when she touched him, not expecting her, and looked up at her green eyes, smiling.

"Hey." She smiled and sat beside him, not looking him in the eye. She didn't want to have to pretend, but it came out almost naturally. She was used to it. As if she had been pretending her whole life.

"Hey stranger." Jack smiled and took Kate's hand in his. He looked at the mug, with a slight smile on his face.

"I woke up a while ago and saw you weren't there. What happened?" she smiled. She had prepared the lie, the whole story, and she felt a strange satisfaction in lying to him.

"I left you a note, in Ella's bedroom. Shannon needed me to go to her apartment. Some neighbour called her to tell she had a fire there and she asked me to go and see." He looked at her, actually believing in her story. That satisfaction she was feeling was increasing with every word.

"And what was it? Was it really a fire?" she smiled.

"Nah. Her neighbour should be drunk or something." They laughed a little, while Jack held Kate's hand in his and drew small circles on her skin, with his index finger. "Hey, I'm going to bed. Could you take Ella to kindergarten, today? I really need to sleep." Jack smiled, a warm smile that made Kate feel guilty for the time she had spent with Sawyer. 'Bastard' she thought 'he can still make me feel guilty.' She smiled at him too, before getting up.

"Yeah, sure. Go get some sleep." He kissed her hand while she was taking it away, walking to the stairs and climbing them until she reached her bedroom. Taking a towel from the closet, she took a quick shower and dressed in the pajamas she had taken off before she had left the house. Closing the blinds, she let herself fall on the bed and pulled the blankets over her head, falling asleep almost immediately.

-------------

Kate woke up around noon, feeling as if she had been hit by a truck. Her body was hurting, and her legs almost weren't strong enough to support her slim body. Getting out of bed, she walked to the bathroom and entered the tub for the second time that morning, feeling the warm water running through her body and feeling herself get better. Smiling a little, she washed her hair and her body slowly, enjoying every moment of that time she had alone. She liked being alone, it was one of the things she valued most in her life. She needed her time, her freedom and her introspection. The only person that could interrupt her quietness without eliciting a bad mood was Ella. Kate didn't mind at all, when the little girl interrupted her.

Getting dressed, Kate looked at the clock she had on her bedside table and felt immediately hungry, as if her stomach was following the time order. She went down the stairs to the kitchen and started preparing her lunch, a big sandwich with everything she was craving that moment. She had never had trouble with keeping her body as it was, because she simply wouldn't get fat. She could eat everything she wanted and not work out at all, and she wouldn't gain a pound. She was, however, very active. And she was terribly proud of her own energy. It made her who she was.

Sitting in the wooden chair that neared the kitchen counter, she opened a magazine and started reading it while eating her sandwich, trying not to think about anything else. She felt calm and relaxed. Eating her lunch while reading a magazine in the kitchen, she almost felt like a normal housewife again, happy with the life she was leading.

She was washing the dishes when she heard the doorbell, abruptly taking her from her thoughts. A little annoyed, she used an old cloth to clean her hands and walked towards the door, passing by the mirror and looking at her face. She looked much better than she did the night before, her face normal again and even with some color, contrasting with the paleness of the previous night. The doorbell rang again and she walked a bit faster, looking through the small window before she opened it. She smiled when she saw the tall man, wearing a dark suit, standing in the porch, his back turned to her. He was leaning on one of the porch columns, looking at the quiet street, his light-coloured hair shining in the bright sunlight. He had a briefcase in his hand, and it was hanging out of it as if just there to make a statement, not really to be used. Kate smiled, leaning on the doorframe just like he was leaning on the column, and in the same way she had when she got home the night before.

"What kind of a daughter-in-law would I be if I didn't offer you a plate of food and a place to sleep?" she said, laughing a bit. He turned fast, his face a little surprised, as if he wasn't expecting her presence there. It was always the same look, that mix of surprise and pleasure that warmed her heart whenever she saw him. He smiled and walked towards her, kissing her cheek and holding her close for a second, in the same way a father would hold a daughter. Kate smiled, pleased to see that at least, one aspect of her life wasn't completely changed.

"I don't need food, or a place to sleep. I just want to enjoy the pleasure of your company..." she smiled and invited him in. Christian placed his briefcase on the floor near the door, and took off his jacket, placing it on the chair near the entrance of the kitchen. Kate walked to the sink again and continued what she had started before his arrival, and he sat on the same chair she had had lunch in and looked at her, while she was working.

"What brings you to the suburbs, Christian?" Kate smiled when she saw his eyes wandering around the room, as if he was looking for something. Or someone. "You didn't come here just for the pleasure of my company, did you?" he laughed a little.

"Actually, I was looking for Jack. Is he home?" Kate smiled, while her stomach jumped. Her hands started to shake and she looked away from her father-in-law's eyes and continued doing the dishes.

"I thought he was at the hospital." Christian realized his mistake and looked at her, but she was looking away. Kate finished her task and cleaned her hands to the cloth again, smiling a little.

"Oh, he's probably attending some meeting... You know him, always commited to..." Kate cut him off.

"Either that or he's with his mistress." She looked away from the man in front of her, placing her hands on the counter and letting her arms take the weight of her body. He looked at his hands, not sure of what to say.

"Don't even think about that, sweetheart. He wouldn't do that." Kate smiled and Christian did too, when their eyes met.

"We both know that isn't true, Christian. And he wasn't very smart. I found a lipstick stain on his shirt yesterday" Christian got up from where he was sitting and started walking back and foward, in front of Kate's eyes, while she looked at him with her eyes saddened again. Now that she had told Christian, she felt much lighter, but she could also feel the sadness from the night before invading her again. And seeing that old man looking ashamed for what his son had done was almost heartbreaking. She looked at him again, and he was still walking back and foward, his hand covering his eyes, as if he couldn't believe what he saw. "Christian." Kate called his name, but he seemed deaf. "Christian. Chris..."

"That man is a fool!" he hit the counter with his hands, making a loud noise that startled Kate, making her shrink. When she looked at him again, her eyes were filled with some kind of pride, while his were full of rage. "That man is a fool, Kate, he's like a child! He's taken years to build the life he has now he's playing with it as if he was the one involved!" Kate smiled a little, placing her hand on Christian's.

"I'm ok. I really am." He looked at her, not believing what she was saying. She smiled a little, to make it seem more real, but he still didn't believe her, she could see it in his eyes. She sighed and let her head fall foward, while Christian regained control over his temper and looked at her with a caring expression.

"What are you gonna do, girl? Are you going to leave him?" Kate shook her head, looking through the window.

"I don't know. I don't really know, Christian. If I'd leave, I'd have to fight for Ella, and I'm in no position for that." Christian crossed the kitchen island and sat on the counter, by Kate's side.

"I know. And besides that, I wouldn't be able to take care of you if you were gone." Kate smiled, without looking at him, her eyes still glued to the garden outside her kitchen.

"You've done enough for me, Chris. I'm not even your daughter." He chuckled and Kate finally looked at him. He was smiling and staring at the counter, as if remembering some episode from the past.

"Darling, when I first saw you, lying half dead in that bed, I saw something in you. I saw a daughter, I saw a brave woman that had done what she needed to do to get rid of her past." Kate smiled, and he did too. "If you weren't like a daughter to me, you think I would've signed that paper that said Kate Austen was dead? You think I would have gotten you new papers, a new identity, the Susan you pretend to be now?"

"I know." Kate looked away from him, feeling a lump in her throat.

"Now, I want to know what you're going to do. If you're gonna stay with Jack or leave him." Kate looked at Christian in the eye and smiled.

"I'm staying." He looked away and cleaned his forehead with the back of his hand, exaggerating the movement, and making her laugh. She smacked his shoulder and he laughed, looking at her.

"That hurts, woman! Don't beat an old man, I'm almost seventy now!" Kate laughed and jumped down from the counter, walking towards the fridge and taking out two soda cans. She threw one of them at Christian, who caught it deftly. He looked at it with a sly smile. "Soda?"

"It's all I have..." she smiled and opened her can, taking a sip and looking out at the garden, illuminated by the afternoon glow.


	9. Chapter 9

She was staring at the garden outside the kitchen window, her hand stirring absently the sauce she was making. Her eyes were fixed on her flowers, growing beautifully on the outside, and opening with the sunlight like starfishes.

Kate was feeling calm, truly calm, for the first time that week. It had been four days since the discovery of Jack's stained shirt, and three days since she had spoke to Christian and decided to stay. That decision, that she had seen as ridiculous before, was now the best choice she could have done. She hadn't spoke to Jack about the stain, or let him know in that she was mad at him in any way. In fact, she almost wasn't mad at him. She was so good at denying her feelings that she had almost forgotten that incident. It was behind her, as if it had happened a long time ago, a blurry vision of herself falling to the basement floor with a stained shirt in her hands.

Something she couldn't get out of her mind, though, were the hours that followed the discovery, the car trip to Boston, trying to call Shannon, and the decision she made afterwards. The hardest decision she ever had to make. Most of all, she remembered the hug. His arms, pulling her from almost certain death and holding her so close to him, that she thought she would drown in his scent. She had a distinct memory of that moment, the warmness of his body in contrast with her cold wet hair and skin.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the loud noise of the slamming kitchen door. Kate turned to see who was coming in and couldn't help a laugh, putting her hand in front of her mouth and trying to maintain a serious expression. Shannon had her face dirty with grass and sand, a weird mixture, and her hair was falling down her shoulders, escaping the bun she had made before. She was holding Ella in her arms, and the girl was still having fun, using Shannon's face as a tissue to clean her dirty hands. Kate laughed at Shannon's exasperated expression, while she ran to them, taking Ella from her friend's arms. Shannon laughed a bit, while she picked up a napkin and put it under water, cleaning her face with it. Kate tried to wash Ella's hands in the sink, while looking at Shannon with an amused look. She wrinkled her nose.

"So, did you two have fun?" she asked the little girl. Ella was smiley and happy, letting her mother massage her hands with soap.

"Yeah! Aunt Shann let me do her hair!" Kate looked at Shannon's messed up hair, while she pretended to be on a fashion show and turned around to allow a better look. They laughed, as Ella looked at her masterpiece with admiration.

"You did a great job, baby." Kate said when she saw the girl's happy eyes looking at Shannon's hair.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be a hairdresser!" Kate and Shannon laughed.

"Wait a sec, you just told me, when we were outside that you were gonna be a singer and a nurse." Shannon was trying to control her laughter, with almost no effect. Kate was trying hard not to laugh too, but apparently, the effort wasn't enough either. Only Ella was serious, washing her hands with a concentrated expression.

"Duh! I'm gonna be a singer, a nurse _and_ a hairdresser!" Ella caught the cloth Kate was giving her and walked to the TV, putting it on and sitting on the floor in front of it. Shannon laughed.

"Your daughter is something, Susie." Kate smiled a bit, looking at Eleanor, now laying in her puffy pillow with her head bent down and looking at the TV upside down.

"Yeah, I know. She's my world." They stood in silence for a minute, and Kate could feel her friend trying to think of the best way to ask her about Jack's betrayal. Shannon had returned from LA the previous afternoon, and they hadn't spoken since that dreadful night, so she was pretty much in the dark about what was really going on. Kate invited her to have lunch at her house, not only because she wanted to talk to her, but because she really missed her. Shannon had become, over the five years she had lived in Boston, the best girlfriend she had ever had. They talked about everything, and Kate could say she knew most of her life, except the part about the months before Kate's arrival in Boston. Shannon knew Kate's parents were dead, and she didn't ask any more questions, knowing that it was a painful issue. Kate, on the other hand, knew everything about Shannon's life. Her problems with Sabrina, her romance with Boone. Kate was there with her when her father died in that car crash, and Jack was on duty. They were best friends, to sum it up.

"So… What made you stay?" Shannon didn't look Kate in the eye, as if she was afraid of her reaction. She was holding the salad bowl and spraying olive oil all over it.

"Ella. She was the one who made me stay." Shannon smiled lightly as she went to put the salad on the table. Coming back, she saw Kate was cutting the bread with such a passion, that the scene was becoming scary. Looking at her like she was in a daze, Shannon was standing in the middle of the kitchen midway between the table and the counter. "Shann?" Kate smiled a bit, looking at her friend, who started moving towards her in that precise moment.

"I'm sorry, I was distracted." She paused, unsure of how to continue "I take it that you spoke with Jack about the whole thing."

Kate kept smiling, while she decided whether she was going to lie or not. It was hard, lying to Shannon, but she didn't want her to think she hadn't been strong enough to talk to her husband. Above all, she didn't want Shannon to think she was afraid of leaving or confronting Jack.

"Yeah. Yeah, I talked to him about this." Shannon kept looking at Kate with a curious expression.

"And?"

"And he apologized, and promised that if I didn't leave, it would never happen again." Moving towards the table with the food bowls in her hands, Kate sat down and called Ella, while Shannon was still standing in the kitchen, in front of the counter.

--------------------

Kate was washing the dishes while Shannon was sitting on the couch, with Ella's head on her lap, watching 'Beauty and the Beast'. Kate smiled as she heard the song she knew by heart, starting to sing along softly, while working almost mechanically.

"_Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong..._" Kate kept humming as she finished her task and cleaned up the mess around the sink.

"You actually know the lyrics?" Kate smiled at Shannon, who was looking at her with a sly smile. She folded the cloth and placed it on the table.

"I have a four year old daughter... I know the lyrics to all the songs from Disney movies." Shannon sat on the chair that was placed in front of the counter and let her chin fall on her hand, sighing. Kate sat in front of her, placing two coffee mugs in front of them. Shannon looked at her mug and sighed again, making Kate smile a bit. "So, what's up with you?"

"I slept with Boone." Kate looked at her with a smile.

"Come on, sing me something new." Shannon opened her mouth in shock, looking at her friend with surprised eyes.

"You knew?" she paused, her mouth trembling as if she wanted to say something else but she didn't know what. Kate looked at her drink, still smiling, and then glanced at the couch, where Ella was sleeping, to see if she was really out. Looking back at Shannon, Kate put on a serious expression.

"What happened afterwards?" Shannon lowered her eyes and Kate knew that whatever had happened, it wasn't good. Shann's hands were placed on the table, her palms down, and she was staring at them with an eerie look. Kate placed her hands on top of hers, trying to distract her and take that frightening look of her friend's face. "Hey. Hey, Shann, what happened?" she looked up at Kate, with tears in her eyes.

"He left. As if nothing had happened." She paused, as if to regain her breath. "He got a phone call. And then he had to leave. And the worse part is I _know_ it was Sarah. I don't know how, I just know it!" Shannon was sobbing, and Kate followed her maternal instinct, in the exact same way she would do to Ella. Getting up and walking to the young woman, she hugged her, holding her as if she was a child and kissing her forehead. Shannon sobbed on Kate's shoulder, her whole body shaking. Feeling as if she had her daughter in her arms, Kate cradled Shannon back and forth, fighting an urge to cry herself. She knew Shannon loved Boone, she always had, but it was too hard for her to admit it, even to herself.

When the sobs stopped, at an unhurried rythm, Kate removed her arms and sat at the counter, looking at Shannon and still holding her hand. The other woman was still crying, but quietly now, and with an even sadder expression. Kate felt her heart break. In that moment, it was all she was. A young mother, sitting at her kitchen's counter, comforting a friend who was suffering for love. She was normal, as any other woman, and that thought gave her a sensation of peace that she had felt very few times in her life. It was as if she was whole, completed by that single moment of tenderness and friendship. As if the scene was taken from a movie or a picture from the fifties, allowing her such a sensation of perfection, that it felt almost impossibly good. Wth her stomach jumping to the new feeling, Kate got down from the counter and looked at Shannon, waiting for her to calm down.

"It's just... I don't get it. He always seemed to love me. And now he's just playing me." Shannon was still crying, softly, her tears running down her cheeks and her face still, all the anger contained in her eyes.

"He doesn't deserve you, Shann." Using that old _cliché_ made Kate feel even more fit on that idea of perfection that was still giving her butterflies in her stomach.

"I know. I know, Susie. It's just..." her eyes glanced at the kitchen clock that was placed above the entrance. Moving fast, she took a sip from her drink and got up from the chair, wiping her tears with the back of her hands. "Oh my God, is that the time? I gotta go back to Boston..." Kate picked up her coat from the chair and walked to Ella.

"I'll take you there."

"No, sweetie, I don't need it... I can take the bus..."

"There's no way you're leaving my house on a bus, lady." Picking Ella up and holding her in her arms while the girl was asleep, she picked the car keys from the table and moved to the door, quickly followed by Shannon.

---------------------------

Kate and Shannon had parked the car in front of Shannon's house, and they were walking down the street, going to the nearest Starbucks, where Shannon was supposed to meet a friend from the ballet academy. Kate was walking fast, with Ella's hand in hers, and the girl was singing happily, jumping and walking at different paces, and jumping from one stone to another that she'd found on the street. Laughing a bit at her daughter, Kate slowed her pace so that the girl could enjoy her walk, talking to Shannon about simple stuff, like some clothes the other woman wanted to buy.

"That's what I'm saying, Susie, they're not so expensive. And let's face it; I'm not making much money with my dance classes now." Shannon kept talking, while Kate looked straight foward and tried to control her daughter's steps. And then her stomach jumped.

She saw him approaching by far, and just the sight of him made her stomach jump again, that manly scent come to her mind and her hand almost squeeze Ella's hand. He was now coming in her direction, not realizing it was her, and walking with that sure pace, his jeans, shirt and leather jacket dark as usual, and his blondish hair falling to his face with the wind. Kate saw him more handsome than ever, in that particular moment. She wasn't sure if it was the afternoon light, or his sure walk, of even the fact that he was wearing that leather jacket with the warm, sunny weather (which made Kate smile a bit), but she felt like something was pulling her towards him.

He saw her in that moment, and their eyes crossed as they got closer on the street. His smile opened wide, showing off his dimples that made her get weak in the knees. As they were almost colliding, Kate's brain was working at the speed of light, trying to figure out if she should say something or just pass by, as Ella was still jumping from one stone to another and Shannon was talking without paying much attention to Kate.

Overcome by a sudden fear of letting herself go, risking dropping her daughter's hand and jump to his neck, Kate turned her face away from him, not looking as he passed her by. Feeling a lump in her throat, she looked back, and she saw him stopped in the middle of the street, looking back at her with an angry expression. Turning her head forward again, she took a deep breath, but she still couldn't explain why the look on his face had made her want to cry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The bedroom was illuminated by the dim light of morning, making soft shadows on the walls and sheets, and putting on an almost magic atmosphere. Kate was sitting in bed, the sheets brought to her lap and her back against the window behind the bed. Jack was still in a deep sleep, snoring by her side, as she contemplated the beautiful day that was starting. It was a mid-June morning, clear and sunny, a perfect day for being on the beach, or playing in the garden with Ella.

Jack moved in his sleep, but Kate didn't notice. She was too lost in her world to notice. She only realized her husband was awake when she felt his hand on her thigh and his mouth on her neck. He obviously wanted some action, but Kate was just not in the mood. She looked at the sunny garden as he kept kissing her neck, and smiled a little when she pulled away from him. He stared at her with curious eyes, as if he was truly surprised, and not very sure of what he should think. She smiled, looking away.

"Good morning to you too." he smiled a little, regarding her as if he was expecting her to make a move to return to what she was doing before. As if she had just stopped him to say good morning, a mere formality, and allowed him to return to his morning activity. This thought made something boil inside Kate, and in that moment, she hated him. She hated him with all her strength, with all her soul. The incident she had almost forgotten was now coming to her mind again, and the thought that Jack's body had been touched by other women's hands disgusted her.

He had started kissing her again, her neck and shoulders, but the thought that crossed her mind made her impose distance between them, which lead Jack to look at her with an exasperated look.

"What?" he said, expecting her to answer in a sweet, soft way. She realized, with that simple look, that Jack didn't know her at all.

"I have a headache." Pulling her legs from under the sheets, she got up and walked her way to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Leaning on the sink, she looked at the mirror and saw herself tired, so tired she couldn't believe it. Sitting on the closed toilet seat, she placed her head in her hands, letting herself sink. She didn't count on the opening door, and on seeing Jack walk into the bathroom. He sat on the side of the tub, in front of her, and looked at her with that usual patronizing expression that made her want to kill him. She sighed at his look, feeling like a teenager whose parents wanted to have the first serious conversation with. Kate stared at Jack's eyes with a defiant look, almost teasing him. She wanted him to be as mad with her as she was with him, she almost wanted him to hate her.

"Are we ever going to talk about this?" she stared at him blankly.

"About what?" he gave her that smile she hated so much.

"The fact that we haven't had sex in weeks." She looked away. She was avoiding any intimate contact ever since the night she had fantasized about Sawyer. It was too dangerous, wanting to have sex with Jack, knowing it would probably happen again.

"I've had other things on my mind." He smiled a bit.

"What other things?"

"Nothing you should worry about." She continued to stare at him with a blank expression, while her rage was almost reaching the boiling point.

"Well, I can't know if I shouldn't worry about it if I don't know what it is." He paused, looking at her with pleading eyes. "Tell me your problems, Susie. I want to be able to help you with them. You're my wife. We're supposed to share everything."

"Those are my things, Jack. Things that are too insignificant and stupid for me to take them seriously." Kate got up from the toilet seat and walked by Jack to get to the room, turning her back on him. When she was in the closet, trying to decide what she ws going to wear, she heard him hit the wall, shrugging. Looking behind her shoulder, she heard him.

"Honestly, Susan, I don't think I'll ever understand you!" she looked at him with her eyes suddenly saddened. That statement made her even more sure of what she had thought before. He would never know her. Walking to the entrance of the closet, she looked at his eyes with a firm and clear mind.

"Yes, that's a big possibility." Closing the door on his face, she turned the key and locked it, falling to the floor and looking at the shirt she had in her hands and hearing him walk away.

--------------------

She was sitting in the garden, looking at Ella, who was playing in the garden with one of her little friends that lived in the neighbourhood. She looked at the kids, who were watering the flowers, and walked to them, letting her hand get lost in the middle of the young boy's blonde curls.

"Hey Aaron. You ok?" the boy looked at her with a smile and nodded, looking back at Ella with an adorable expression. Kate loved the way the two kids played along, best friends since childhood, reminding her of her own time in Iowa. Leaving the kids alone, she walked back to her chair, where the kid's mother, another of her friends, was sitting. When she sat in her chair again, Claire looked at her with a smile.

"I have a feeling they're gonna get married when they grow up." She said with a smile, and still a hint of her Australian accent. Claire was an Australian woman, married to another Australian, Tom. Beautiful and with angelical looks, she was funny and clumsy at the same time, but an amazing mother to her five year old son. Her husband had gotten a job promotion and moved to Boston when she was pregnant, so the boy was already born in the United States. Claire was also terribly romantic, very unlike Kate, and she loved staying with the kids and playing with them. The only problem was that, now that she was seven months pregnant, it got hard to take care of two hyperactive children such as those two. Because of that fact, Claire was sitting in the shadow, with a glass of lemonade in her hands, while Kate was doing all the dirty work. "Seriously, look at them! They already love each other!" Kate smiled.

"Yeah. It's beautiful to see how connected they are." Kate placed her hand on Claire's prominent belly, waiting to feel the baby move. Claire took her hand and placed it a bit higher, making some pressure.

"I can't feel it" Claire smiled and placed Kate's hand on a diferent angle. "Oh, I feel it now!" Kate laughed, touched by the baby's movement, and feeling a lump in her throat. She missed the time she was pregnant with Ella, feeling her inside her tummy and being able to have the baby with her all the time. She remembered so well, lying in that same chair alone, feeling her move inside herself. "She's kicking so hard!"

"She's very active... I think she's gonna top those two in hyperactivity." Claire laughed a bit. "God forbid..."

"Nah, I like them like that." Kate smiled a little and rested her back on the chair, putting her hair behind her ear. "I miss the time I was pregnant. I miss having her that close to me."

"Yeah, I felt the same way about Aaron. That's why I got pregnant again." She looked at Kate with a smile. "Why don't you do the same? You could have another kid, I bet Jack would be thrilled." Kate smiled sadly and looked away.

"Yeah, I might think about that"

"It's that bad, huh?" Claire was now looking at the kids.

"Yeah."

They got quiet for a couple of minutes, letting the new information sink. For Claire, it was almost heartbreaking seeing her friend have marital problems, and for Kate, it was the fall of the last barrier. She had admitted to her friend she was having problems, which made her realize she couldn't pretend to have that perfect life everybody thought she had. And in the back of her mind, there was the fact that she had turned her back on Sawyer, four days ago, in the street.

Shaking away those thoughts, she looked back at the kids, seeing that Aaron was picking a flower to give Ella. The little girl looked at the flower and smiled, giving her buddy a kiss on the cheek. Kate and Claire watched the scene from apart, smiling like crazy and with their eyes filled with tears.

"I think that was the sweetest thing I've ever seen..." Claire said, her words caught in her throat. Kate brushed a tear away and looked at Claire.

"Yeah. They're both beautiful." Looking at Claire's belly, she touched it again, smiling. "And this one is going to be a beauty herself."

"Oh, I meant to ask you about something." Taking a sip from her drink, Claire looked at Kate with a smile.

"What?"

"I wanna name my daughter after her Godmother." Kate smiled a bit, not really understanding Claire's point. "And I'm gonna name her Susan." Claire had a beautiful and happy smile on her face, and as soon as Kate understood the importance of the information she had just recieved, she opened a big smile, looking at her friend in disbelief.

"You're asking me to be her Godmother?" Claire nodded, and Kate hugged her tightly, laughing insanely. "Of course I will be, thank you so much for trusting me." She said in her friend's ear. Claire was already crying again, but Kate was now too happy for tears.

"I'm so glad you accepted! My sister is Aaron's Godmother, and I really wanted you to be little Susie's Godmother too!" Kate smiled and looked at Claire.

"I just have sort of a suggestion..."

"What?"

"About that name... I actually hate the name Susan, and I don't want the little girl to have such a terrible name." Kate was looking at her hands while saying that. She wanted the girl to have her real name, not some fake name chosen by Christian. "What do you think of Katharine? Kate? I wanted to give Ella that name, but Jack wanted her to have his grandmother's name"

"Kate... Kate, I like it. I also like Katie. Katie is really sweet" she smiled. "Katie it is, then."

-----------------------------

Kate was now standing in the kitchen, the house phone placed in the counter in front of her. Next to the phone was that Starbucks coffee cup, with the writings turned towards her.

Kate didn't know if she should call him or not. She wanted to apologize, she wanted to make him understand she had to do it, she had to avoid him. She couldn't let Shannon see him, or she could recognize him, and she didn't want Ella to meet him in the middle of the street. But most of all, she didn't want to take the risk of letting herself feel that scent again, or be so close to him as she was that night.

He wouldn't understand that, would he? He would still think she was ignoring him, finding herself too good for him, with her perfect life and her adulterous husband and beautiful daughter. She would think that way, if she was him.

But why was she caring so much about him? She had known him for a couple of weeks, and seen him three or four times. He was nothing in her life, and even telling herself that, she couldn't bring herself to take him out of her mind. He was everywhere: in the cowboy movie she had seen the previous night, with that southern accent, in the magazine she was reading (which came with a sample of a man's perfume that was just like his), and even Aaron's blue eyes reminded her of Sawyer's eyes. She was seeing him in everything she did, everything she saw. She wanted to talk to him about Claire's daughter, her Godchild that would carry her name, and wanted to tell him she thought Boone was really in love with Shannon, but was just scared. She wanted him to know her life, wanted him to be able to respond to her remarks about Shannon's love life, or make commentaries about her own life. She wanted to know his life too. She wanted to know what he had felt with Cassidy, if he had loved her enough to tell her that. What had happened to his parents, if they still lived happily in the South, or if they lived in Boston too. She wanted to know him. That night, that crazy night, had been all about her. She had told him her life, ever since she had moved to Boston. She had talked to him about her friends, Shannon, Claire and some others, about her daughter, about Jack and his parents, even about her parents. But she felt like she knew nothing about him. She wanted to know him better, to be able to tell the way he would react to something, to an event or a word. She wanted to know him deeply, to his core.

This thought scared her. She was letting herself act like a schoolgirl who was in love with her teacher. Sawyer was a friend, and should be regarded as that. If I can, she thought with a silent laugh. Picking the phone up from the counter, she pushed the buttons with the correct number and waited to hear his voice. He took what seemed to be an eternity to pick up, and answered with his slow, usual voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Sus... Kate. Freckles." She heard him laugh lightly, a bitter and low laugh that scared her to death.

"Am I supposed to know you, now?" she looked at the garden, feeling herself get sick. She decided to go on with the conversation.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk about that. I wanted to apologize..."

"About what? Come on, girly, do I even know you? I've spent a couple of hours with you on a garden and had coffee with you in a goddamn starbucks. You think I'm gonna marry you or something?" she smiled a bit, her eyes filling up with tears. She should have known better. Taking a deep breath, she put herself together again.

"Yes, you must be right. I'm sorry to bother you, have a nice afternoon." Hanging up the phone, Kate let her head fall on her arms and cried.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Kate was standing in the middle of Ella's bedroom, while the girl walked around in a fairy costume, with wings and a pale pink skirt. She looked lovely, but Kate couldn't get over the fact that the bedroom was almost upside down, and it would be up to her to get it right again. She didn't want to think about all the work she'd have after taking the girl to that birthday party, and Ella was not helping. Sensing the change in her mother's humor, since three days ago, she was acting whiny and irritable, not like the happy girl she had always been. Right now, she was sitting on the bed, crying about the fact that the wings were white and not pink. Kate sighed and lowered herself to the girl's level, facing her and placing her hands on hers.

"What's wrong, Ella?" the girl was crying louder, and Kate shook her hands lightly "Hey. Hey, why are you crying?"

"My wings are ugly." She stated, going back to her cries. Kate touched her face softly and looked at the wings. They did look terrible, but that wasn't the kind of thing a mother tells her child.

"They're lovely, baby. They really are!"

"They're not!" Ella picked one of the stuffed animals she had on the bed and threw it against the desk, hitting a picture frame and making it fall. Kate heard the noise of the breaking glass, but she didn't want to look at it, knowing she would lose her temper. The girl was now regarding her with a challenging look on her face, as if the stare alone was a provocation, making Kate's nerves boil. Slowly geting up, she looked down at her daughter, who was still sitting in her bed.

"I'll be waiting for you in the car, Eleanor." The girl looked at Kate with an unmasked disappointment, as if she was expecting her to do the opposite thing, slap her or scream at her. The calm voice Kate was using scared her, so she stood quiet, while her mother went downstairs and picked up the car keys from the table beside the entrance of the house. 

-------------------------------------------

After she dropped Ella at the party, and after a series of crying and screaming during the way, Kate's nerves were wrecked. She needed to be alone for a while, and just relax. Making her way back home, she was surprised at seeing Jack's car parked in the garage. It wasn't a usual time for him to be at home, which made her get suspicious. Walking towards the entrance of the house, she stopped there, her hand with the key halfway to the door, listening. A fear started to invade her, a kind of fear that she had never felt before. What if he was inside with someone? With the woman that had stained his shirt with red lipstick?

Instead of walking into her own house, the fear made her freeze right there, at the doorway, not allowing her to move a single muscle. It was as if it was growing inside herself, coming up from her feet to her legs and her torso, and to her head, making her feel weak and dizzy. Closing her eyes for just one second, she allowed the fear to take over her brain, breathing slowly to get it out, and looked at the door knob. Opening the door and pushing it inside, Kate slowly stepped inside her own entrance, feeling like a stranger, her eyes unfocused and her legs numb.

A noise in the kitchen made her wake up from that sort of trance she was in, and walk slowly towards the sunny and warm environment that she could always find in the kitchen. Looking at the sink, she saw her husband's back, and he looked at her without smiling.

"Hey." Jack said, as she walked towards the sofa, placed in front of the TV, and dropped her purse on it, turning herself to him, as she spoke slowly.

"Hey yourself."

"You didn't forget about that thing tonight, did you?"she looked up at him when he asked this. She had forgotten, but there was no way she would let him know.

"The party at the Cohens? No, not at all. It's at 7, right?" he nodded, and she turned her eyes back to the book she was about to pick up, while he looked at her and took a sip from the hot coffee he was drinking. Kate smiled a bit and picked up her book from the table near the couch, sitting down and opening it at the page she had marked. Looking at the marker, she couldn't avoid a smile that spread across her face. Ella had made it for her, on mother's day, with the help of Miss Rose and the other kindergarten teachers. It was pink, with little red fingerprints and a heart with 'I love my Mom' written inside, made by the teachers. Looking at her daughter's tiny fingertips, she felt her stomach jump, and she had to blink back the tears that were forming in her eyes. Her daughter deserved more than the life she was starting to lead, the false and plastic image of a perfect housewife that was anything but true. Kate was dying inside, especially since the day Claire had invited her to be her daughter's Godmother, since she had set free a part of herself that she had wanted to hide desperately. Kate was starting to overcome Susan, and the fact that the girl's name was going to be Katharine instead of Susan was like a small door to her old self to come out, tearing the life she had been building apart. She smiled, suddenly feeling like 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde', one personality trying to hide the other. When she looked up from the marker to the place where Jack was standing, she saw he was preparing to exit, leaving the dirty mug on the counter. She looked at it, feeling a sudden impulse of rage coming over her, making her want to get up and slap Jack in the face, see the way he would react. Would he be upset or just surprised?  
These questions were floating in her mind, until she felt the need to talk.

"Jack, please put the mug in the sink." she said, trying to sound nice. He stared at her with that usual smirk that made her get even more angry at him.

"Can't you do it?" he smiled in a patronizing way, as if he was expecting her to retaliate just to have the pleasure of make her sink a little more. She looked back at the book, trying not to give him what he wanted. They could both play this game.

"Can't you?" she said without taking her eyes from the book, smiling at his silence, feeling slightly victorious.

"I'm late. And it's your job." Feeling shocked with his statement, she looked up at him with a cold, insensitive stare. Meeting his eyes, she gave him a sly smile, sensing a war coming. She wouldn't lose. She never did.

"I'm your wife, not your maid." His blank stare gave her all the answers she needed to feel good about herself. Looking back at her book, she sighed out loud. "Now, would you please put the mug in the sink?" she heard him placing the mug on the counter again, and leaving. Smiling to herself, she closed the book and sighed, blinking back tears once again. 

-----------------------------------

Kate was trying to get Ella's room back in order, picking up toys and clothes from the floor and the bed and putting them back in their due place. She had been doing that for almost an hour, but the girl's bedroom was such a mess, that stuff seemed to appear from the weirdest places. While picking up a stuffed bear from inside the garbage can, her eyes fell on the broken picture frame lying under the desk. Her stomach jumped a little, in anticipation. She knew which picture was there, she didn't need to turn in to herself to see that the picture frame contained a picture of her, Jack and Ella, last summer, in their house at the Cape.

Forcing herself to pick up the frame, she saw the glass protecting the picture was broken. Like a spider web, it was spreading in small lines driving away from one base point. Her face. The glass had started to break from her face to everything else, as if blaming her for the destruction of that beautiful image. Covering her mouth with her hands, she dropped the frame and tried to control the sobs that were coming through her, making her shake like a leaf. Her life was falling apart, and she seemed to be the only one noticing, or maybe it was falling apart just for her, for her emotional stability and for her idea of happiness. But everything was indicating that this was her fault, and that was what she couldn't stand. Jack had betrayed her, but he probably had a reason to do that. Maybe she wasn't good enough for him, maybe she needed to improve, to be better. A better wife, a better friend. Maybe even better in bed, though she had always thought that they were great together. She was now starting to let that thought sink. It was her fault. She was guilty of that, in the same way she was guilty of Tom's death. It was all her fault, she was bad for everyone around her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her cellphone, and it made Kate act in a mechanic way. Knowing she had left it in the kitchen, she went down the stairs cleaning her eyes and face and trying to steady her breathing. Finally reaching the cellphone, she picked the call up without looking at who was calling, and turned to the window, staring at the garden. The voice on the other side of the line made her legs get weak and her left arm reach for the support of the counter.

"Hello?" it was his voice. It was Sawyer. Realizing it was him made her have to muffle another sob, but this time, it was a happy one. She couldn't believe his timing.

"Yeah."

"I bet you thought I'd never call you again." Kate couldn't help a teary smile form spreading on her face when he said that. A feeling of lightness was starting to invade her, as if there was hope for her to be happy again. Not wanting to show this sudden contentment, she tried to make her voice sound as neutral as she could.

"True."

"Well, Freckles, I thought you'd miss me by now." he said with a chuckle, making her shiver "And I wanted to hear your reasons." 

"What reasons?" Kate honestly didn't remember what he could be talking about when he said that, but as soon as the words came out of her mind, she realized what he was saying. Feeling herself blush, she covered her eyes with her hands, trying to feel less embarrassed.

"Why did you ignore me?" in someone else's mouth those words would sound needy and childish, but he made them sound normal. As if he was saying that the weather was fine, or asking what time it was. Casual. This thought made her smile again, a shy smile that she almost hid behind her hand.

"Those reasons." She stated, thinking about what she would say. She could say the truth, that she had wanted to kiss him right there, and that she was afraid of actually doing it. She wouldn't say it, no way.

"Yeah."

"Well, I didn't want to have to explain to Shannon who you were." she waited nervously for his response, feeling that lightness in her stomach, that came with the flirty tone in which they always spoke.

"And who am I?" she felt trapped, suddenly, but not in a bad way. What would she say, that wasn't too compromising? An honest answer crossed her mind. 'You're the one I turned to when I found out my husband was betraying me', but it got stuck in her throat. Not wanting to delay this answer any longer, she went with the simpler.

"You're my friend."

"Oh, I'm your friend..." he said, in a playful tone.

"Aren't you?" she answered him in the same way, her despair of only a few minutes ago disappearing from her mind.

"Well, the concept of sex buddy seems to fit better, somehow." She couldn't help an honest laugh that came out of her mouth without time for her to avoid it. She was now relaxing, and she let herself go into the silence that followed without any trace of fear or embarassment.

After a moment in silence, he started talking again, with his usual southern accent and the dragged voice.

"You still with him?" it suddenly got painful. The fact that he was asking her about Jack brought her problems back to her mind, making her shrug a little.

"Yeah."

"Thought you would be." Strangely, she didn't feel offended by this statement. She felt a little curious, and with an almost unhealthy need to reply to his tone.

"What is that suppposed to mean?" she asked, and he laughed a little.

"Nothin', Freckles, no need to get your panties in a twist!" she tried to hide a laugh, feeling a maternal urge to correct his language. Trying not to reveal she was close to laughing by the sound of her voice, she spoke firmly.

"My panties are fine. Charming language, by the way." He laughed again and she did too, feeling like she was talking to a life-long friend.

"It's supposed to be!" a pause came after this last laugh, leaving them both lost in their own minds. When Kate was about to ask him something trivial, he broke the silence. "So, Freckles, I gotta go. But anytime you wanna have a vanilla latte..."

"You had to say it, didn't you?" she laughed a little.

"Yeah." He said this in a low, sexy voice, making her shiver once again. "But anyway, whenever you wanna have that chick coffee..."

"Oh, come on!" she interrupted him again, half laughing, half serious. "It's not that much of a chick thing..."

"You gonna let me finish, Freckles?" she smiled at his request, not wanting to stop the playful banter.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Great. Whenever you wanna have a coffee, or help me buy some flowers, or even complain about your husband, gimme a ring. I'm not usually busy." She couldn't help a smile, feeling suddenly happy.

"Yeah, I'll tell you something when I go to town."

"Yeah." This was said in a low voice, almost as a sigh. She could hear his tiredness on the other side of the line, which was strange and lovely at the same time.

"Ok." She said, not wanting to end the conversation.

"Bye" he said, hanging up. She drew the phone away from her ear and looked at it for a bit, smiling. She couldn't believe how happy she felt in that moment. Smiling like a teenager who just got a call from the cutest guy in the whole   
school, she covered her face with her hands and laughed a bit.

------------------------------

Kate and Jack had been in the party for almost two hours when his cellphone rang and he had to go outside to pick up the call. Kate was left alone in the salon, with her glass of champagne in her hand, looking around. She was looking stunningly beautiful, and she knew it. Her hair was tied loosely in the back of her head, and her black silk dress made her look royal. Despite the good looks, Kate was feeling left out, like she usually did in those black-tie cocktail parties. She knew everyone in that room, and making small talk with the women as she was doing right then made her feel terrible. She hated it, and the only reason she was there was the fact that whe didn't want to admit defeat just then, she still wanted everyone to think they were the perfect couple. So, when Jack came to her, saying that someone was feeling bad upstairs, and that he needed to go check it out, she pretended to be supportive and worried.  
Now, standing near a group of older women, she took small sips of her drink and enjoyed the view, thinking of how much Ella would be disappointed when she'd find out that the 'balls', nowadays, were that boring. A couple of hands on her shoulders made her shrug, and she turned around to a familiar face.

"Hey kid." Christian said, smiling. 

"Hey." she looked at his side, and noticed the lack of his wife. "Where's Margo?"

"She didn't want to come. She had a headache." He smiled and took a sip of his scotch, while Kate looked back at the crowd. Noticing a young man climbing the stairs quickly, and a woman looking at him lovingly, she smiled a bit. "Trivial."

"What?" Christian looked at her with a sly smile, making her want to laugh.

"How much do you wanna bet that boy just told his wife that someone was sick up there, just to go meet another babe?" Kate felt herself freeze, placing the flute on the table near her with a shaking hand. Christian looked at her.

"Kate, you ok?" she looked up at him, putting her hand on her forehead.

"I think I need to go to the Lady's room. I'm not feeling so well." She left Christian in his place, motionless, while she walked quickly towards the stairs. She walked up to the first floor, and walked down the corridor until she heard a muffled sigh coming out of one of the rooms. Stopping there, she made a move to open the door silently. She succeeded, and when she took a look inside, her body froze for the second time that night. She could see Jack through the mirror, pressing a woman against a wall, and moving in a way that was almost primal, furious. Like he'd never been with her. Turning around silently, she closed the door and walked slowly towards the ball room, approaching the bar with unfocused eyes. The bartender looked at her, waiting for her order, and she regarded him with a dry look.

"I'll have a vodka." He served her, and she took the small drink in a shot, feeling the liquid burning inside her chest. Looking at him again, she focused her eyes on the bottle of vodka. "Another one, please."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Kate looked through the window of the car, as Jack drove them home. The city lights were passing her by at a high speed, making her fall into a daze, almost a trance, that made her feel slightly queasy. Knowing she shouldn't have drank as much as she did, she almost asked Jack to stop the car, but the fast pace and the lights distracted her, making her sickness fade.

Her long, sleeveless dress was pushed up to her knees, and she had her shoes in her hands, not wanting to put them on. She was feeling free and sad at the same time, but had the perfect notion that it was the vodka thinking, not herself. She should have drunk a lot more, so that Jack would have to carry her home without her realizing it. The simple idea of having his hands on her, made her want to throw up. His hands had been on a woman's body less than two hours ago. They were dirty and unpure, and made her shiver just with the thought of them.

The mess that her mind was in, with the vodka and the previous events, was also liberating, in a way. She felt like she could thing about anything she wanted, not just about her life. She wouldn't be guilty, she wouldn't even be upset. She would be thinking about whatever she wanted. And, right in that moment, she wanted to think about Sawyer.

When his face came to her mind, she couldn't help a small smile from spreading on her face. She imagined him, laughing, his dimples showing, making her stomach jump and her heart skip a beat. She realized she had the image of his hands in her head, already. They were manly and big, but not rude. She couldn't help imagining those hands roaming over her torso, pinning her against a wall, his hand on her hip, pushing her down against the matress, and making her...

"Are you listening to me?" Jack's impatient tone took her out of her thoughts abruptly, and made her look at him with unfocused eyes. He was looking at her, but only for a second, before turning his eyes back to the road.

"I'm sorry, I was distracted." He smiled a bit.

"I could see that." he said, as she looked back at the road, trying to avoid any more talking. But apparently, Jack wanted to continue "Anyway, why did you drink that much? I have never seen you drinking like that."

"I felt like drinking." Kate simply answered, hoping he would catch the hint and shut up. Waiting for a few seconds, in which they were immersed in a tense silence, she thought he must have understood her. But now she had another problem.

The idea of leaving Boston for a few days, and going to the Cape house had been floating in her head for weeks. It was sunny and warm, and the beaches should be beautiful, by now. And, it would mean she would be with her daughter, away from Jack and his world. She would be isolated in her house near the beach, finally able to think about her life and decide what she wanted to do. Because she was going to do something. That night's events had made it pretty clear, that she absolutely had to make a decision. The problem now, was to tell Jack that she would leave with Ella, and prevent him from joining them.

"Jack, I forgot to tell you something..." she tried to sound casual, still looking out the window, not facing him. She could see him looking at her through the reflection on the window glass, but she kept her head turned towards the outside.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm taking Ella to the cape house, tomorrow. If that's ok with you." She said, slowly. Jack took a second to answer, only increasing the lump that Kate had in her throat.

"No, not at all. It's a good idea, actually. Ella's gonna have fun." He stated. Kate almost sighed in relief, but was able to restrain herself from that just in time. "For how long are you going?"

"Five, maybe six days. I don't know. It'll depend on the weather." Kate closed her eyes while saying this, feeling relaxed. It was going to be fine.

"Good. Sounds good."

-------------------------------------------

Jack was having a bath, the next morning, while Kate had her suitcase opened on her bed, and was choosing what clothes to take. It was almost ready, and she could barely wait to get in the car and just drive until she reached the beach. It was a sunny day, and the warm breeze that was entering through the window made Kate feel happy and excited. She was mubling a song, and putting her clothes inside the suitcase, when she saw Ella's smiling face at the door. Not able to supress a laugh, she tried to cover her mouth with her hand, unsuccessfully.

"Oh my God, Ella, why are you wearing that?" she laughed. The girl swirled around, showing off her clothing. The little girl was wearing nothing but a blue and white, striped swimsuit, with a crab stamped on the front. That was normal. The abnormal features were part of the scuba kit she had. Enormous glasses, with the tube that should provide her with air, while under water, and flip flops made part of a costume that was completed with a sand bucket in her hand and an inflatable snake around her waist. Kate couldn't help laughing hard, while the girl showed off, wandering around the room, knowing she was amusing her mother.

"You like it?" Ella asked Kate, who was staring at her, amazed. The girl made a princess look, and sat on her mother's bed, making the inflatable snake squeal.

"I love it!" Kate went back to packing her things, while Ella sat on the bed, moving her feet and humming a Disney song. Soon, they were both singing 'Reflection', without even noticing. The girl was playing with the snake and Kate was now folding Ella's clothes, both so distracted that they didn't even realize they were in complete sync.

"_Must I pretend that I'm someone else, for all time... when will my reflection show who I am inside?"_ Kate raised her head when she sang this last verse, feeling it hit hard inside herself. Somewhere in her mind, a little voice was asking the same question. When would she be able to show who she really was, without fear or insecurity? Probably never, but a little place in her mind told her it would happen, it was already happening. And, strangely, that little place was the place she shared with Sawyer.

-----------------

Ella was having breakfast in the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools, while Kate had her coffee and read a magazine. Jack was about to leave for the hospital, and he walked around the house, already wearing his suit, trying to find everything he needed. He walked into the kitchen, looking at both Kate and Ella, and smiling. He approached the little girl and she threw her arms up for him to hug her. He lowered himself to her position, picking the girl up and holding her tightly against his body, smiling.

"Be a good girl, will ya? I'll see you next week, baby." The girl kissed his face and got down to the stool, going back to her breakfast, while Jack approached Kate. She looked up at him, and the look he had in his eyes was surprisingly sweet, almost loving. She felt her stomach crumble as he bent down and kissed her deeply, urgently, like he'd never kissed her before. Pulling away slowly, he looked at her in the eye, smiling.

"I love you, Susan." She was out of words, not sure of how she should feel. She had the growing bag of anger filling up inside herself, but at the same time, that sweetness had surprised her so much, that she was almost willing to forgive him everything he'd done to make her suffer. She shed this thought away, looking at him in the eye and smiling a bit.

"I know." He looked at her and smiled. Walking out, he threw a kiss at Ella, who giggled and ate her cookie with a dreamy expression on her face. Kate noticed her look and smiled. "Who are you thinking of, princess?" Ella smiled a little bit, before answering her mother's question. Kate didn't think she would answer, but the relaxed way in which the girl spoke stunned her.

"I'm gonna get married." Kate almost choked on the coffee she was drinking, swallowing it fast. She looked at Ella, who had a dreamy, far off look on her face, as if she had just said the most normal thing in the world.

"Who are you gonna marry?" Kate asked in a breath, as if she actually considered it serious.

"Aaron. He asked me yesterday. Look, he even gave me a ring!" Ella put her hand in front of Kate's eyes, and she was able to see a ring, made with the little white flower. The girl hopped happily from the stool and went to the garden, leaving an exasperated mother in front of the sink.

Kate picked the phone up from the table and dialed a number she knew by heart. When the call was picked up, she heard the familiar voice on the other side of the line. Not giving time for an answer, Kate spoke.

"My daughter just told me she's gonna marry your son." Kate tried to remain serious. "And he gave her a ring."

"Oh, that's what the ring was for!" Claire said, laughing. "I can't believe this, my son proposed to your daughter? With a ring?" Now, both of them were laughing,

"This is amazing." Kate said, while trying to stop laughing. "They're just destined..."

"They are! Seriously, Susie, this is something!" their laugher fell into silence, while Kate watched Ella in the garden, playing with Aaron from across the fence. Looking at the window, she saw Claire, who was waving and smiling like crazy, with her big belly and long hair.

"Anyway, Claire, I'm leaving with Ella, for a couple of days. We're gonna go to the Cape house." Claire smiled and looked at the kids.

"Yeah, you should. The weather must be awesome!" Kate smiled and looked at the window where Claire was, smiling.

"You don't think we look silly, using the phone from one window to another, do you?" they both laughed "I mean, we could just go to the fence and talk..."

"And interrupt their date? How old are you, Susie? Sixty?"

"Ok, you're the boss. I gotta go fix up some stuff, anyway." Kate sighed "Talk to you later?"

"Yeah".

-------------------------------

When she was in the bedroom, Kate picked up the phone for the second time, and called a number she also knew by heart. Doing some stuff while it rang, she felt herself go cold when the voicemail started. The time it took her, to get herself back together, was the time it took for the message to start running, without her saying anything. She started talking, not really knowing what to say next.

"Sawyer? This is Kate. Freckles, I mean. I don't know, it's a bit weird, introducing a nickname instead of my own name. Not that I haven't been doing that since four years ago." She smiled, wiping the sweat from her forehead with her arm. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'll be out of town for a few days. I have a house in the Cape, and I'm gonna take Ella there, see if we can get some rest, get tanned and all." She giggled like a teenager, and felt herself blush. "I just wanted to let you know... we'll be there... if you wanna come over for a day, or something, this is my address..." she told him the address, feeling like a kid who had just messed up something. "Well, if you want to join us... All you have to do is show up. Bye."

Hanging up the phone, she let herself fall on the bed, giggling like crazy, until Ella and Aaron joined her upstairs.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey people! I think this is one of the first times I'm talking to you here, and it's really weird... I mean, I started this story thinking about a Forum (LF) and I'm friends with most of the people there, so we actually chat about the chapters and stuff. Here, and since I'm just uploading the file, I never get to talk to you all.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all very much for your amazing reviews! I read them all, and I love your suggestions and kind words! I just wanted you all to know that. You guys are theones that keep me writing!

And, for a change, my Beta Reader for this chapter wasn't Roxy, but Katie (kkay313), author of 'The Wolf', a brilliant fiction you guys MUST read. Thank you so much, sweetie.

**-------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 13**

Kate parked the car in front of the house, looking back at Ella, who had been asleep for most of the trip. The girl was breathing deeply and this sound made Kate let her head fall on her hands and inhale too. Looking at the girl again, she managed to smile through the lump growing in her throat. It wasn't sadness, but love that was making her feel that way. Seeing Ella sleeping had always put her close to tears. The love she felt for that child was so strong that every time she saw her in that fragile situation, she got scared of loosing her. She would have nothing worth living for if something happened with Ella, her life would make no sense.

Sighing, Kate took the keys to the house out of her purse and went around the car, to take the girl out of her chair. Opening the back door, she put Ella's arms around her shoulders and picked the girl up, feeling her heavy and relaxed against her chest.

Kate walked into the house, not even bothering to turn the lights on and moved directly to the living room. She sat on the couch, with Ella still clinging to her torso, fast asleep. Deciding to rest there for a while, Kate closed her eyes in the darkness and sighed. Ella's deep breathing was so relaxing, it made Kate smile.

Kate liked to image Ella's life when she grew up. She would be stunningly beautiful and also a straight-A student, maybe going to med school like her dad. Maybe she'd be a ballerina, graceful and evanescent. Or even better, she could be some kind of explorer, walking through the world, discovering new and amazing places. Kate couldn't help a small laugh from escaping her mouth when she imagined Ella wearing those explorer hats, and with a gun tied to her back. Nah, she thought, Ella doesn't need to be any of those things. Kate realized, in that moment, that she would love her unconditionally, even if she was a junkie sleeping on the streets. Even if she was a murderer

This thought made Kate shiver. If she had murdered her father, Ella could murder someone too. If it was in Kate's blood, then it was in her little girl's blood too. And there was nothing she could do about it.

Kate placed the girl on the couch and covered her with a blanket that was resting on top of the sofa. Leaving the lights off, she walked out of the house and opened the car trunk, starting to take out of it the enormous amount of groceries she had bought for their stay in the beach. Taking two of the paper bags in her arms, she turned toward the house, admiring how the bright sunlight illuminated it.

It was a beautiful house, white with light-blue windows and doors, and a garden, with a path that leaded to the beach, separated only by a white fence. It was two stories high, and the interior was spacey and full of light from its enormous windows.

Kate loved it because of the sensation of peace that it gave her. As if no one could bother her there. It was also located on a very quiet area, with almost deserted beaches. It wasn't the 'oh-so-popular' area preferred by most of the wealthy families in Boston. This was just fine with Kate.

She looked up at the sky and realized the clouds were about to cover the sun. She started to take things from the car quickly, putting them in their due place. The only thing she changed was that instead of placing Ella's bag in the girl's room, she placed it in her own room. Ella was going to sleep with her mother.

-------------------------------

After arranging things so the house was good for them; cleaning and re arranging the furniture, Kate went down to the kitchen. Passing it by she suddenly found it strange, that Ella was still asleep.

It had been almost three hours since they had arrived, and the girl had showed no signs of herself. Kate walked to the living room and felt her stomach drop when turned her eyes to the couch.

Ella was not there. The blanket was pushed over to the floor, and there was no sign of the little girl.

Kate covered her mouth with her hand, freezing in place. Then she noticed that the doors that lead to the porch, were slightly opened, as if someone had left them like that to come back and enter later. Kate tried to move towards the doors, but her legs were frozen. What if Ella had ran away? What if someone had took her, someone who knew they were coming? What if something had happened to her?

"No." She mumbled to herself, forcing her legs to start moving again. She walked quickly towards the door and opened it, feeling the cold wind stab her like a knife. Kate looked over at the violent sea and saw the waves were crashing the shoreline strongly. There was a storm coming, she was almost sure of that. The sky was now grey and the atmosphere had turned from light and breezy to heavy, thick and powerful.

Kate hurried down the porch stairs, until she reached the fence. She tore onto the beach, frantically looking for Ella in every possible direction. The area was almost empty, with only a handful of people wandering with smiles on their faces, oblivious to Kate's worry. She feared that her daughter had been taken by the sea. Kate strained to look as far as she could, but tears blurred her vision.

It was only then that she realized she was crying. With a sob, she fell to her knees, hiding her face in her hands and crying uncontrollably. Kate felt her world crumble as she imagined Ella's lifeless body coming back to shore. The thought of herself having to bury the only person that she loved completely, with all her heart and soul was almost more then she could bear.

Kate kept sobbing, until she suddenly felt a tiny hand on her shoulder. Her head snapped to see who it was, and she saw her daughter, her youthful face filled with worry.

"Ella!" Kate cried, pulling the girl into a strong embrace. She sobbed uncontrollably into her neck and she felt the girl start crying too. Finally, Kate pulled back and looked at the girl closely, roaming her hands over her body as she looked frantically for blood or any evidence that she could be hurt.

"Oh, my God, Baby, are you ok? Where were you?"

Ella was crying too, scared to see her mother like that. Searching for any sign of hurt, she looked back at the girl and couldn't help kissing her cheeks several times, still not quite believing she was there, safe and sound.

"Where have you been, Ella?" she was sobbing, and Ella wiped tears from her mothers face with her little hand. "I was so worried about you..."

"I was in the garden. You told me I couldn't go out on my own, so I didn't..."

Kate held her daughter close on her lap, sitting on the sand.

"You're right, I did." Kate agreed, wiping the tears from her face. Ella smiled a bit.

"I saw you running to the beach, and I thought I could come with you..." the girl said, crying, afraid she'd done something wrong.

"It's ok, sweetie, its ok! Mommy was just scared. I didn't see you in the garden and I thought someone had taken you."

The girl smiled reassuringly, kissing Kate on the nose.

"I'm right here." She said with a smile that warmed Kate's heart all over again.

---------------------------

Two days had passed since they had arrived, and the weather was sunny again.

After Ella's supposed disappearance, and the storm that came afterwards, the little girl and Kate were closer than ever. They were always together, and they both had an uneasy feeling, that something really bad might happen if they got away from each other. They slept together, had baths together, and even went to the bathroom together. Ella would sit in the kitchen colouring, while Kate cooked, and Kate would stay on the beach with her, reading a book while the little girl played in the sand. They didn't need to talk, either. Kate could count on her fingers the times they had actually spoken since that first day. Communication was done by small gestures, and they seemed to understand each other without words, pretending they were in their own world, far away from everyone and everything else.

One day, Kate was in the beach, sitting with Ella in the sand while the waves washed over their legs; they had decided to make a sandcastle. It wasn't going very well and they both smiled as they did it. Kate watched the sun, and she felt the heat on her skin starting to burn. Looking over to Ella, she got up and picked the girl's towel up, placing it around Ella, who got a warm feeling, as her mother took care of her.

They walked hand on hand towards their house. Entering the fence, Ella walked to the kitchen and Kate followed her. She gave the girl and glass of milk and took one for herself. Ella went to the couch, deciding to watch some cartoons, while Kate sat down with a book between her hands, but to her despair, the bell rang in the moment she sat down, making her sigh. Kissing Ella's head as she got up, she laughed at the dress she had put back on when they came back from the beach. It was a flowery girly dress that made her look like a princess. At least it was what Ella seemed to think.

The girl followed Kate nervously with her eyes and when Kate walked to the door, she got up and followed her to the kitchen. She leaned on the doorframe, waiting for her mother to open the door.

Kate opened the door quickly, expecting to see one of her neighbours; however, her heart skipped a beat when she saw it was Sawyer. He was facing the ocean and a faint smile played at his lips. She couldn't help but smile widely, and she felt the familiar flutter in her stomach that she automatically associated with him.

"You never struck me as a deep thinker." She said, in her best sassy manner, feeling her cheeks becoming sore from so much smiling. Tried to wipe that smile off but when Sawyer turned around and looked at her, showing his dimples, it was impossible to hide the fact that she was really happy to see him.

Kate met his eyes, forgetting where she was for a moment. They just stood like that, staring at each other's eyes, feeling the tension growing between them, until he finally approached her.

"Well, Freckles, I was just enjoying the view." He looked at her, and his eyes drifted up and down her body until she cleared her throat.

"Hi. My face is up here, remember?" she said sweetly.

She kept smiling when she said it, and stepped back, so that he could enter the house. He walked into the hall and saw Ella, whose face turned red immediately. She ran away from the door and Kate laughed a little when she saw his surprised face.

"She's shy." Kate explained with a smile. "We've been kind of… living in a world of our own these days."

"I can imagine."

Kate walked into the kitchen with Sawyer behind her. She offered him a seat at the kitchen table, and walked over to the fridge.

"What are you having? Beer, scotch, orange juice…. Milk?"

He laughed a bit when she said that. Kate rolled her eyes and threw him a can of beer, which he caught deftly. She smiled and peeked at the living room, seeing Ella looking out the window. Kate stood at the door, looking at the girl.

"He's a friend, Ella. Don't you wanna come meet him?" the girl continued to look through the window, ignoring her.

"Later."

Kate smiled and walked towards her daughter, kissing her hair.

"Ok. I love you."

Kate came back to the kitchen, and sat next to Sawyer at the table. He smiled at her, taking a long sip from the can.

"Quite a nice house you got here, Freckles, where's the hubby?"

"In town. He's working…or at least I hope so." She sighed, and Sawyer looked up from his beer, his eyes meeting hers.

"He do anything else?"

At this, she smiled, but it wasn't a happy smile as before. It was a sad, tired smile.

She began slowly, "I saw him. With other woman, I mean. At a party."

Kate couldn't meet his eyes, so instead, she looked out the window.

The were silent a moment, until she heard steps coming from the living room. Ella was approaching them, her usual sure walk reduced to a shy and sweet manner that made her look more like a baby than she usually did. The girl practically ran to Kate, who hugged her tightly, and placed the girl in her lap.

Sawyer smiled at her, and she smiled too, blushing and hiding her face in Kate's neck. She whispered something into her mother's ear, making Kate smile as the girl spoke, and Sawyer was mesmerized by them both.

When Ella was finished, Kate whispered something back on the girl's ear, and smiled and put the girl down, until she walked over to him and motioned for him to lower himself. He looked at Kate for approval, and Kate nodded.

He then lowered himself to the little girl's level. Ella smiled and approached him tentatively, but then quickly, mustering up the courage, kissed Sawyer's cheek. She blushed and ran out to the garden, leaving Kate smiling, and Sawyer just as red as her daughter.

He was avoiding Kate's look like a plague and Kate couldn't help a laugh.

"I never thought I'd see you blush…" she statred to tease.

He aimed her a look that said he had never blushed around a woman a day in his life. But truth was, he was tickled with the little girl that looked so much like her mother. They were both beautiful.

"That's a cute girl, you got there." Kate could feel him hesitate, before aksing "What did she say to you?"

"When?" Kate asked, distracted, looking out toward the garden.

She suddenly realized he was talking about when the girl had whispered in her ear. Kate smiled, enjoying the fact that he was feeling embarrassed. "Oh, she said something…"

"What?" he looked at her and Kate smiled a little, feeling a sudden shyness comig over her.

"She said you looked just like John Smith." He stared at her, blankly "What? You don't know who he is?"

"The 'Pocahontas' John Smith?" he asked, surprised into laughter.

Kate laughed. "The one and only."

Sawyer smiled too, and Kate was tempted to lean across the table and kiss his lips. Instead of that, she saw Ella, playing in the garden. Sawyer followed her line of sight.

She sighed and looked at his eyes, shining a little, but not sure why. She could see that he was happy to be there, just as much as she was happy he came. They both were silently thinking, that each of them were in the exact place they wanted to be, with the exact one they wanted to be with.

For once, they were both in peace. And that, Kate thought, was priceless.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Kate put her head under the falling water of the shower, rinsing the shampoo off her long hair. She was feeling so relaxed that all she wanted was to lay on her bed and sleep, a long healing sleep forgetting everything that had happened in Boston the last few weeks. Kate would never forget the last few days she had spent in the cape with Ella, because those had been perfect. They helped her realize that all she needed to be happy in fact, was Ella, and being in peace with her. She loved her girl furiously and proudly, knowing she was the cutest, smartest and most gorgeous girl on earth. Why would she deny it if it was true? No girl could ever compare to her Ella. That was a fact.

Smiling at this certainty, Kate stepped from the shower and wrapped a towel around herself, moving to the bedroom, where she had a pair of jeans and a flowery top waiting for her on the bed. The top wasn't the kind of thing she'd usually wear, but tonight was not just any night: Sawyer was staying over for dinner, and she thought she should show him something better than the old shirts she always wore at home.

After dressing, Kate opened the bathroom window, letting the steam out and hearing the high pitched squeals of laughter coming from the garden, where Sawyer was playing with Ella. They were laughing and Sawyer had the girl's arms on his and was swinging her around in circles, making her giggle and scream a little. Kate covered her mouth with her hand, laughing to herself, and continued her observation of the two of them.

After she told Kate he looked like John Smith, Ella played with Sawyer all afternoon. She had dragged them both, Kate and Sawyer, to the garden, where the three of them had been playing 'hide and seek', 'classrooms' (Kate and Sawyer were the students and Ella was the angry teacher) and even colouring (while Kate and Sawyer just sat in the sun, tired of playing). At some point, Kate went upstairs and gave Ella a quick bath, taking her back to Sawyer to play a little more and going to the shower herself.

At the window, Kate was about to go back to the bathroom when she saw Ella run into the fence unintentionally, hurting her little hand in the process. Kate covered her face with her hands, knowing it was nothing. Sometimes, It was just too much for her, seeing Ella cry. She felt like crying herself, and was preparing to rush downstairs when the crying stopped suddenly.

Looking through the window again, she saw Ella's arms around Sawyer's neck, and he was lifting her up and turning her towards the sea, causing her crying to stop completely. Kate watched, mesmerized by the scene. It was unexpectedly moving. Sawyer had a loving expression in his eyes, which she had never expected from him. His usual behaviour made him look like the typical bad-boy, at least to Kate. She never expected he'd be so good with children, especially with Ella, who was a shy little girl, especially around people she wasn't familiar with.

Right now, Sawyer was holding Ella in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder, and Kate could see her breathing calmly. Sawyer was pointing at something in the horizon, and as Kate followed his line of sight, she found a ship, full of little lights that were starting to come out in the dim light of sunset. Smiling, Kate sighed and closed the window, putting the towel back in the bathroom and taking her time, so she wouldn't interrupt the moment her daughter was having with her very own 'John Smith'.

-----------------------

Later, Ella was sitting on her chair, at the dinner table, while Kate and Sawyer ate quietly. The girl was humming a song while eating her yoghurt, but her mother was recalling the amazing day they both had. All in all, it had been amazing, and Sawyer's presence was to blame for that. But it had all seemed temporary, as if he was just passing by and would leave at any moment. Kate had been able to avoid the cozy, family thoughts that assaulted her all day, but the scene before her was just too much.

They were all sharing a meal as if hey were a real family, which was, at the very least, scary. Kate was still married to Jack, no matter what he had done. She was still his wife, and Ella was still his daughter. As Kate took the dirty plates off the table, she wondered if it was fair to Jack, allowing his daughter becoming friendly with the man that could replace him in Kate's heart.

Kate dropped the plates on the table, alarmed at this thought. Sawyer, who was picking Ella up from her little chair looked at Kate, flashing his usual smile, and she smiled back at him nervously.

"You gettin' messy up there, Freckles?"

"Just go watch cartoons, will ya?" he smiled again at her and went with Ella to the living room, leaving Kate alone in the kitchen. When they left, Kate leaned against the counter and inhaled deeply.

She had just admitted, even if it was just to herself, that she was ready to replace Jack with Sawyer, in her life. Biting her nail, while she tried to sort out all these confusing thoughts, Kate sighed. She new for sure now that she was ready to leave Jack. The peace she had felt those last few days had given her all the certainty she needed. She was leaving him. She wouldn't forgive his betrayal. That was the original thought that she had allowed to settle in her head, since she had arrived at the beach house.

The new thought belonged to Sawyer. She liked him, she definitely did. But the thought of replacing Jack with Sawyer had confirmed one of her greatest fears. She was falling in love with Sawyer. Kate shivered a little, and then smiled to herself. She couldn't help it; it was a wide smile, a happy smile that spread on her face.

Walking over to the living room, Kate picked Ella up from the sofa and kissed her cheek, smiling at the girl.

"Bedtime, missy." Ella yawned and Kate smiled at Sawyer, who was looking at Ella with a smile too." Kiss Uncle Sawyer goodnight, baby." Sawyer got up and kissed the girl on the cheek, tenderly. The girl placed her little arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, pulling back almost immediately and hiding her face on Kate's neck.

"Bye bye, John Smith!" the girl giggled, showing him his tongue with a silly face. Sawyer did the same thing, earning an angry look from Kate. She was preparing to leave the room when she heard him.

"I'll be waiting for you in the porch, Freckles." Kate smiled and turned her back on him, moving up the stairs to put Ella to sleep.

----------------------------------

About half hour later, Kate came down and went directly to the back porch, and saw Sawyer relaxing on the bench, with two beers on the floor next to him. One of them was opened, and as soon as he saw Kate coming out, he tossed her the other can. She smiled and opened it, taking a tentative sip and cautiously sat right next to him, trying to keep her eyes fixed in the ocean, knowing he had his eyes fixed on her. She smiled as she felt his warm stare upon her face and then her neck.

"Thank you." She said, slowly, as if she was afraid the words would hurt her somehow. She didn't take her eyes away from the crashing waves, even though she could feel his stare.

"For what?" It was almost as if they were both drawn out, both so tired that that was the only way they could communicate.

"For being here today. Ella seems to love you." Kate smiled lightly, finally meeting his eyes.

That was his cue to look away, and she smiled as she noted how uncomfortable each others stares were.

"Yeah. She's something."

The silence that surrounded them was too comfortable to give up, and Kate leaned back, closing her eyes for moment content. They both drank their beers in silence, without realizing that they had been there for almost an hour, without speaking.

Kate was feeling a bit dizzy. She wasn't used to drink alcohol, and it had a quick effect on her. She wasn't drunk just happy, and relaxed. Looking at Sawyer, she smiled an open honest smile that made Sawyer feel dizzy.

And he was used to drinking.

"What are you smiling about, Freckles?"

And when she smiled even more, laughing a little, she was treated to a dimpled smile from him.

"I'm just feeling..." she paused, unsure of what to say. "Happy, I think." She paused again. "Yeah, I'm happy."

Their eyes locked, and Sawyer's look turned from the usual silent mocking to something raw and unpredictable. Kate looked into his eyes and felt her stomach jump, recognizing herself in his eyes. They were both the same. Both outcasts, both pretending to live lives they didn't want to, and both completely scared of the power they knew they had on each other.

Sawyer leaned in and closed the gap between them, touching Kate's lips softly, as if he was afraid to break her. Kate let her lips rest on his, touching her nose to his. Finally, she planted a soft kiss on his lips, and Sawyer yielded his mouth to hers and welcomed her tongue inside. His hands went to the back of her head and got tangled in her long hair, while Kate's hands were in his face, tracing the lines that she already knew by heart.

Kate kissed him with all of her soul, all of her passion. Their tongues were entwined in a way that made them unsure of which tongue belonged to whom, and Kate let out a soft moan that brought them both back to reality.

Not wanting to finish the kiss, she pulled back and smiled a little. They looked into each other's eyes, and saw no regret, no guilt. Only the unmasked heat that they were both feeling and trying to hide from each other.

"Well, Freckles, I guess I won't have to kiss you goodbye, now." He smiled, as he lifted himself up from the bench. She laughed a bit, and Sawyer leaned down, kissing her forehead lightly. "G'night, Freckles."

"'Night, Sawyer." She said as he left the porch and drove away from the house.

----------------------------

Later that night Kate was just getting under the blankets, when she heard a knock on the door. Her stomach jumped with excitement, thinking Sawyer had forgotten something in the house.

Checking Ella in her bed, Kate went down the stairs, pulling her robe tighter as she started to open the door. Her stomach went to the ground when she saw two policemen standing in her doorstep.

"Mrs. Shepard?"

Kate was starting to panic. She was still afraid of cops but, thinking of Ella asleep upstairs, tried to compose herself. Her thoughts were racing even as she nodded calmly.

"Yes. How can I help you?"

The two policemen shared a concerned look.

"It's about your husband, Ma'am."


	15. Chapter 15

_Dear Readers:_

_I'm so sorry for being such a terrible writer, especially when it comes to my readers! I can't apologize enough for my unjustified absence, when I knew I alerted my LF readers to that fact and I didn't tell you guys. _

_Anyway, I've been really busy, the last few weeks. College papers, reports, exams and tests were up to my neck and I barely had time to breathe, let alone sit down and write a whole chapter. I did write a one-shot, in the meantime, but it was sort of an exorcism, something I really needed to do in order to keep my sanity. _

_Another thing was the fact that I re-wrote the entire plan I had for the fiction. After seeing some reactions to the last chapter, I realized some things didn't fit in the story as much as I'd like them to, so I changed them. It took me a while too, re-planning the whole thing, and trying to change what I had already taken as ready. _

_But anyway, on to the chapter! I just wana thank you all for waiting and reading my story, and for your amazing reviews, that make me want to write more and more. Thank you all, you're amazing!_

_(and thank you Roxy and Katie, for the precious help. I couldn't have done anything without you. hug)_

_-Luisa_

**Chapter 15**

Kate sat in the hospital chair, letting her head sink to her chest and her hands drop to her lap. She was more tired than she had ever been, yet she had never felt so awake. Her legs were numb, her hands and her nose were strangely cold, in that hot June weather, and she was hyper, constantly moving, not able to stay in the same place for long.

Getting up, Kate walked the hallway until she reached the door, letting herself breathe a little bit of air that came through it. The doors of that hospital wing were automatic, opening and closing only when people came in. Kate leaned on the wall that lead to the door and closed her eyes, letting the fresh air wash away that dreadful hospital smell, that mix of ethanol and blood that terrified her.

Opening her eyes, Kate looked outside and realized it was dawn. She had been there since one in the morning, five hours before. Only five hours. It seemed like she had spent the last twenty years in that place, twenty long and exhausting years. Shrugging, Kate let herself fall on the bench that neared the door, sighing. Hiding her face in her hands, she began to cry.

-------------

Four hours later, Kate had moved from the bench near the door to the first bench, along the hallway. That bench was sort of a loner: the only one in the whole place (the door was in a different hallway), standing solemnly beside the door of the OR, as if made exclusively to increase the tension of those who waited for their beloved to come out of there.

The door opened and a tall figure came out, breathing heavily and deeply. Kate stood up and was greeted by a hug, so unexpected that she almost fell down to the bench. The arms that embraced her held her in place, though, and she sighed into her Father-in-law's chest.

"So?" she asked, fear taking over her brain again, for the second time since the previous night. Christian looked straight at her, smiling. His warm smile made Kate's heart freeze. If she wanted to leave Jack, she would have to leave him too. This man, who had become more than a father to her, who had saved her life, would be another figure from the past, another shadow, another person to avoid. She felt the familiar lump in her throat start to grow, but swallowed hard and maintained her composure, not giving her thoughts away.

"He's going to be fine, Kate." Kate smiled and allowed the tears to come over her eyes, not falling but making them shine. She wasn't crying because of Jack, she was crying because of Christian, because of how much she would disappoint him, by leaving his son. She owed him the life she had at the moment, she owed him her daughter and the four happy years she had with Jack. Not wanting to let go of his fatherly embrace, she let her head fall against his chest, with one single sob that alarmed Christian. He raised his arms to hold her once again and rested his chin on top of her head.

"Thank you, Chris." She said calmly. He smiled.

"It was my job, girl. And my pleasure." Kate smiled into his chest. She wasn't thanking him for that. She was thanking him for the life he had given her, for taking her under his wing when no one else would. She wouldn't say it, though. He was better off believing she was just thanking him for fixing Jack. The problem was that Jack needed much more fixing than just a spinal surgery.

---------------

Kate walked into the room, seeing her husband for the first time since the accident. Jack's face was bruised, his left eye black and two purple bruises over his right cheek. She felt her heart jumping when she saw him, a wave of campassion washing over her and making her tremble. Jack was still asleep, silently and calmly, from the anesthesia.

The nurse that walked into the room with Kate smiled at her and left quietly, leaving Kate and Jack alone in the dark bedroom. Kate sat on the chair placed beside the bed, taking Jack's hand in hers. He shivered a little, making her jump up from the chair and look at him more closely.

"Jack? Can you hear me?" He mumbled something and his head fell down to the side, making him snore a little. Kate smiled: he was still asleep. She let go of his hand and let her back fall on the chair, sighing. Closing her eyes, she felt the darkness of the bedroom surrounding her and let herself go, her muscles relaxing into a soft slumber.

_She could hear Ella's voice calling her, in panic. Her eyes opened quickly, and she moved through the overly illuminated hospital room. Jack wasn't on the bed, as she thought he would be; the sheets were piled up on the bed, with some blood on them. Kate didn't want to know where the blood had come from. She could only hear her child's voice, calling her name in despair, the screaming and the crying starting to interrupt the girl's breathing. Kate could see perfectly what was happening. When Ella cried too hard, she got breathless, she didn't give herself time to breathe between the sobs and the screaming. The last time she had done it, Kate had to shake her up until she stopped screaming and started to breathe easily again. _

_Kate went out of the room and stared at the empty, also over illuminated hallway. The door she was passing was the only door in sight, the rest of the walls were blank, with no doors or windows. Kate felt a wave of panic coming over her, while Ella's screams increased their intensity. Where could she be? Kate started running through the hallways, one after another, without seeing any doors, Ella's voice closer than ever. Kate heard one last scream before she started crying and fell to her knees, her head pounding in her chest and her chest rising and falling quickly with the sobs. She placed her hands on the ground, feeling the cold ceramics under her fingers and palm, and feeling desperate as Ella's crying was now replaced by little screams, interruped by the girl's ragged breathing. Kate felt her heart shrink, as if someone was hurting her, not her daughter. Starting to scream too, Kate got up and looked around, seeing the white walls around her and panicking once again. She was wearing a white hospital gown, and all that whiteness was making her insane. Kate walked over to a wall and pressed her forehead against it, wanting to feel the cold cement against her skin. _

_"Please, God, please. Give me my daughter back. Show me where my girl is." She said in a low voice. She repeated this sentence over and over, like a mantra, feeling herself relaxing. She could still hear Ella's screams, but they weren't so strong. A sleepyness was invading her, and she was about to let herself fall to the ground when she heard her daughter's voice much closer to her ears. Turning around, she saw a door in the wall in front of her. The screaming was coming through that door, and Kate ran towards it, opening it and standing in the doorway, watching the scene that was happening in the room._

_It was a girly room, filled with toys, a wooden bed and pink walls. In the wall in front of the door, there was a window, a wide window that led to a farm. Kate suddenly recognized the bedroom. It was her childhood bedroom, the same one she had grown up in. _

_The scene going on there was much more disturbing. Ella was standing against the corner of the room, her face red and swollen from crying. She had blood marks around her neck and face, handshaped marks that indicated a struggle, which made Kate angrier than she had ever been. The girl was holding a gun in her hands, pointing it at Jack, who was standing in the middle of the bedroom. Naked. When Kate followed her line of sight until his hands, she saw blood in his hands. Looking at the blood marks on Ella's face, she saw what Jack had done with the girl and her heart froze. He couldn't have done that, not with her daughter. She was about to walk towards him when he turned around and she saw his face. It wasn't Jack. It was Wayne._

Kate's eyes shot awake, and she lifted her hands to feel her face, wet with tears. It was only then that she heard her cell phone ringing. Reaching for her bag and taking the phone out, she smiled when she saw it was Shannon. It couldn't be better.

"Hey Susie!" she greeted her, with a low voice. Shannon always knew how to behave. She would be nice and supportive, never sad, but a perfect lady.

"Hey Shann." A silence followed that statement, until Shannon started talking.

"So, how is he?"

"He's fine. Chris says he'll go home in three days" Kate said with a smile, approaching the window and looking back at Jack's sleeping figure. "How's Ella?" She wanted to know how the girl was, if she was safe. She only had a few fresh memories from the dream, but above all, she remembered her screams, her despair.

"She's hyper, as usual. Wanna talk to her?" Kate said she did, and she heard the little girl taking the phone in her hands, and placing it near her little ear. Kate couldn't help a smile from spreading across her face.

"Mommy?" the girl's voice made Kate feel so insanely happy that she almost laughed. She controlled herself, though, and answered her daughter.

"Yeah, sweetie! How've you been, baby?" the girl was cheerful and active, as usual, and Kate felt great. She was safe, after all. It had really only been a dream.

---------------------

When Kate placed the cell phone on the bed, after almost half an hour talking to Shannon and Ella, she felt a familiar tingle at her fingertips. She had to call him. Jack would be home soon, and she would have no way to see him for a while. He had to know about that. Picking the phone up from the bed, she pressed the numbers she already knew by heart. He picked up after a long wait that made Kate insecure about what to say.

"Yeah." he sounded just as if she had woken him up. Glancing at the clock, she realized it was noon. She probably had woken him.

"Sawyer? It's Kate." He seemed to be trying to stay awake.

"Freckles? Why aren't you sleeping? That kiss was exhausting!" She laughed a bit, not wanting to give into the joy that was starting to fill her.

"Uh... Jack had an accident. I'm at the hospital." Silence followed that phrase, and she could sense him trying to get more awake.

"Wait a sec... what? How is he? What happened?" he asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

"He's fine now. Or he will be" she sighed after saying this.

"Well, you sound like there is still some bad news."

"I won't be able to see you for a while. I have to stay at home with him." She tried to cling to the joy she had just felt, but it was pretty much useless. The sadness was invading her again. "I can go to town, just not as much as I used to. I wanna see you, though." She waited a few seconds, trying to decide wether to say it or not. "I need to see you."

"Hell, Freckles, I'll be waiting for your call. Maybe then we can finish what we started." She laughed.

"We started something?" she asked, laughing.

"That kiss was certainly the beginning of something, girl. You had your tongue so far in my mouth that I felt it in my stomach!" She laughed harder.

"You're so disgusting! And I did NOT! You were the one with the tongue thing." He laughed too.

"Hell, can't a man be a good kisser?" they both laughed, and stood in silence after that laugh, analysing what they had just said.

"Anyway, I'll call you. Ok?"

"Yeah. I'll be waiting, Freckles." She laughed at the way he said her nickname.

"Alrighty, Tex."

"You got a name for me?" he asked, stunned. She laughed. That was all she could bring herself to do.

"Bye!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Ella ran to the kitchen with her little plastic bucket filled with water, splashing it around in the kitchen. Kate looked down at her and sighed, closing her eyes.

"Eleanor Shepard, what did I tell you about bringing the bucket inside?" Ella looked up at her with a fearful expression, her little cheeks going rosy as she tried to hide the bucket behind her back. Kate tried not to smile, and pressed her lips together, trying to maintain her composure. The girl was still looking at her with what Kate called 'bambi eyes', a feature that she had inherited from her father.

"You told me not to bring it inside when it had water..." Kate bent forward and lowered herself until her eyes were at the same level as her daughter's.

"Yes. So, what are you going to do now?" Ella had, just like her mother, a playful smile on her lips. The girl was ready to enter Kate's game, and Kate couldn't help but smile at this.

"I'm gonna take it outside. Ok?" Kate patted the girl's head with a smile

"Smart girl." Ella turned around and took the bucket with her to the garden, while Kate cleaned the water with an old cloth, moving it around with her foot. Ella stood outside, running to the little sandbox, where Aaron was waiting for her, while Claire watched them from a distance.

"You're too soft on her, you know?" Jack's voice echoed through the kitchen, as if he wanted to make his presence known. Obviously, she was aware that he was sitting in the couch, the TV on, as he had been for the previous two weeks.

A week after the car accident, Christian given Jack permission to come home, much to Kate's despair. Jack's spine was as good as new, and the physiotherapy could be done by a specialist at home. The truth was Kate was tired of being in the hospital. However, during Jack's stay at the hospital she got the sensation she had the house for herself. Being with Ella, alone, gave her the same feeling of peace she had felt at the Cape house, the same calm and comfort from those days in the beach.

"Why do you say that?" Kate tried to sound normal, like she wasn't boiling inside. The patronizing way in which he treated her had increased in those two dreadful weeks, and she was becoming more and more exhausted at his behaviour. She could only fantasize about ways to let him know she wasn't who he thought she was; that she wasn't the perfect Susan Westmore he had married. She fantasized about yelling at him that her name was not Susan, almost as much as she thought about yelling at him, out of nowhere, that she knew he had an affair. She wouldn't, though. Or, at least, not while he was at home all day. Because that would imply an action that she didn't know if she was ready for: to take Ella with her and leave. For good. That thought scared Kate to death.

"You let her do what she wants with you." He looked at the tv, and then looked back at Kate "You let her get away with anything. Like you just did. She should have been the one to clean up the mess she made." Kate looked away from him, focusing her eyes on the cloth she had in her hands.

"She's four. I think we can let her be a kid for a while." Kate said this dryly, no wanting to hear what he had to say back. She was getting ready to turn her back on Jack and leave him talking to himself when he decided to talk.

"Yeah, Susan, turn your back on me. Take the easy way out." Kate turned to face him and looked at him in the eye. Her face was expressionless, her eyes cold, as she stared at his smirk.

"You did it first. Turn your back on me. And you did it long before I even thought about doing it to you. Now, shut the fck up and leave me alone, will you?" Jack stared at her, in shock. Kate couldn't help a tear from forming in her eye, but she refused to let it fall. Walking out of the kitchen and quickly up the stairs, she walked to her office and let herself fall on the chair with a thud. Inhaling deeply, she smiled and felt herself relaxing.

-------------------------------------

Another thing that made her want to have Jack in the hospital was the fact that, having to go all the way to Boston, she could see some people, other than her husband and her daughter, like Shannon and (to her extreme amusement) Sawyer. She had seen him twice, in the week Jack spent at the hospital, had coffee with him in the same Starbucks where he'd left her the tulips.

Kate thought about this in her office, her legs placed on top of the table like a rebellious teenager, wanting to ruin her father's desk. As she moved a strand of hair between her fingers, she thought about her last encounter with Sawyer, almost a week before, in the usual Starbucks.

They hadn't talked about the kiss they had shared in the Cape house, and they didn't need to. Kate knew he thought it was minimal and Sawyer knew she wouldn't let herself do anything else while she was with Jack. It was sort of a silent agreement between the two of them, not talking about the kiss, as if any word said about it could ruin the memory they had of it.

They had set a tryst for the Starbucks door, but Kate had arrived first. She stood there, waiting for him, until he arrived, his usual manly step and the smile she liked so much. His dimples were showing more than ever, and when he approached her, she couldn't bring herself to touch him. They stared silently at each other, until he made a movement for her to enter the store.

They stood together in line for their coffees, talking lightly and still not touching each other. Kate thought, in retrospect, that she had been just as afraid to touch him as she'd been afraid of letting him enter her life and her mind. It was almost as if she was afraid of loosing control, just by feeling his touch, his skin. He seemed to be unwilling to touch her, too. She thought it might have been for the same reason.

When they both reached the counter, Sawyer looked up at the menu and away from Kate, making her turn her eyes towards her hands. It was almost as if he'd gone away, that feeling of loss she experienced. And the stab of jealousy that broke through her, when she saw his seductive smile towards the waitress, who was not interested at all in his subtle seduction. Kate thought it must be natural to him. Seducing woman was like breathing or eating, not something he could control. This thought had made her feel strangely comforted.

"And what is your girlfriend's order, sir?" the waitress asked him with a sly smile. Kate snapped out of her thoughts when she heard this, feeling herself blush while Sawyer looked down at her with a mischievous grin.

"Uh... no, I'm not..."

"She'll have a Vanilla Latte." He said, cutting off Kate's words. She looked up at him while the girl went to get their orders, and their eyes connected, smiles covering their faces. Kate felt, in that moment, that the girlish fantasy of 'being just her and him, nobody else in the world' could be true, against her best judgement. They kept smiling at each other for almost a minute, Kate's cheeks getting redder at every second, and her freckles more evident. Sawyer lifted his hand up from the counter and was getting ready to place it on Kate's neck. She saw the whole movement, his hand covering the distance between them, her skin predicting the heat that his hand would bring.

"Here's your order, sir." The girl placed the two cups in front of them, dragging them out of the trance they were in. Sawyer's hand stopped midway and Kate looked away from him, placing her cold hands on her cheeks to try and fade the heat from the blushing.

Sawyer had picked up the two drinks and taken them to a table, with Kate following him. He sat down by the window and she sat in front of him, smiling a little. She moved her arm forward in an attempt to get her drink, but her hand tricked her and she brushed her fingers in Sawyer's.

When Kate thought about it, almost a week later, she reached the conclusion that it had been a mind trick. She wanted to touch him so badly that her mind found a way of making her do it, without her realizing it.

The truth was, when she touched his skin, it was almost as if she'd find her home, the place where she did, in fact, belong. She'd let her index finger rest on his, a childlike movement that had made them both smile.

-------------------------------------------

Kate was suddenly taken off her thoughts by a little scream that she recognized as her daughter's. Getting up quickly, she ran down the stairs, her stomach in her feet and her hands cold. The dream she had in the hospital, three weeks before, came back to her mind and made her run even faster, tripping and almost falling down the stairs. When she reached the kitchen, she saw it.

Jack was grabbing Ella's arm, forcefully, while the girl sobbed in fear. She still had the little bucket in her hands, and Jack was shaking her, reprehending her for something. Jack's hand was rising, as if he was preparing to slap the little girl. Kate couldn't allow that. They had never beaten their daughter, and Kate wouldn't let her husband mistreat the girl in any physical way.

Running towards them, Kate pushed Jack against the couch, making him fall on top of it, and picked Ella up from the floor, holding the girl close to her. Ella grabbed Kate's neck and clung fiercely to it, crying against her mother's skin. Kate felt like crying too. Jack was getting up again, slowly, ready to ask Kate why she had done it, but she told him before he could

manage to say anything.

"Don't you _ever_ touch my daughter, you hear me? If you're mad about something, come to me. Beat me if you need to, but don't you dare touch Ella again." Kate said this in a low, threatening voice. Suddenly, the idea of a lioness came to her head. She felt like a lioness, protecting her babies from the other predators.

"She's my daughter too, and I have the right to educate her..." Jack started talking, but Kate cut him off, pushing him to the couch with her free hand. She could have killed him, in that moment. She could have broken his neck with her bare hands, if he had touched her daughter more seriously.

"You do not have the right to hurt her. Didn't you see her cry, Jack? You were hurting her; your own daughter, how can you even breathe after doing that?" she told him, tears starting to cloud her eyes.

"I was educating her. And education in not always pleasant..."

"You were almost beating her!" Kate screamed, against her own will. "I don't care about anything you have to say, Jack. Ella's been just fine without your notion of education, and that's how she'll remain." She said this more calmly, turning her back on him and walking towards the garden. When she reached the wooden bench they had against the fence, she sat on it and rubbed Ella's back, making the girl pull away from her mother's embrace.

"I took the water out of the bucket before I went home..." the little girl said, her sobs interrupting the words, as if she was justifying her actions. This made Kate feel so guilty, she could have killed herself right there. If she hadn't been up in her office, thinking about Sawyer, none of that would have happened.

"I know. I know, sweetie." The girl put her little arms around Kate's neck again, sobbing onto her shoulder. "I'm sorry dad grabbed your arm. He was just mad about something, not you. I promise you didn't do anything wrong, sweetie, you were perfect, just as you always are." Kate said this softly into the girl's ear, feeling her sobs stop slowly and her arms relax.

---------------------------------------------

Later, Ella was still playing in the garden, and Kate sat in the bench, her cell phone right beside her. For the first time in her life, she was afraid Jack could really hurt Ella. She had to make a plan to get the girl out of the house in case something happened. She thought about Shannon, but then she'd have to tell her everything; her marriage breaking apart, Sawyer, the kiss and worst of all, her past.

In a moment, Kate decided she had to do it. She couldn't let her girl get hurt because of the reputation she wanted to keep in front of her best friend. Picking the phone up from the bench, she dialled the number she knew so well and waited for Shannon to pick up the phone.

"Hello." Shannon was joyful as usual. Kate could tell just by one word.

"Hey Shann. It's Susan" she laughed.

"I know it's you, I have your number." Shannon laughed at this, while Kate got ready to take the action that could change her life.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to come over for lunch tomorrow. I have some stuff I'd like to tell you..."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Kate mixed the dressing into the salad and looked through the window, distracted with the rain that had suddenly started to fall. This wet July was almost half over. The weather was foreboding, and made Kate uneasy, as if she could predict something bad was about to happen. It was a strange, annoying feeling in the pitch of her stomach that kept bugging her, not allowing her to have the peace of mind she needed to decide what she was going to do at lunch; what she was going to tell Shannon.

Part of her wanted to tell Shannon the whole truth, everything about her life, past and present. Wayne, Tom and Christian, Jack and Sawyer. All the men in her life, and their effects on her personality, the way she reacted to life. That Kate wanted to tell Shannon everything: how she had blown up the house where she had just left Wayne, how she felt afterwards. About going to her mom's diner. How guilty she felt, just looking at her. How she thought that she not only destroyed her own life, but also her mom's chance for happiness. Even though it wasn't true. Even though she was certain Diane could _never_ be happy with Wayne, an abusive husband who drank too much almost every night.

That same part of Kate wanted to tell Shannon how she had killed Tom while trying to escape the police, right after the crime. How she had lost control of her motorcycle, and fallen down a cliff.

Tom had died instantly; Kate had been in a coma for two weeks. During her comatose state, Kate had felt, had heard, everything the people around her told her. She remembered Christian speaking softly to her, trying to give her some kind of stimuli to wake up. She heard Jack questioning his father, asking him who she was, where had she come from. She had even heard Christian speaking over phone with the men who had arranged the papers Kate needed to become Susan Westmore.

However, the secretive, scared part of Kate wanted to tell Shannon only the information necessary to help her. To hide all the details of her previous life; even the fact that she had had a previous life! Shannon didn't need to know that. She only needed to know that Jack was going psycho, and that Kate would need her to take Ella out of the house at any moment. She didn't need to know about Kate's sudden awakening, how Christian had almost cried of happiness. Shannon didn't need to know what Christian told her that day; how he told her that he would take care of her from that moment on. How he arranged new papers for her and how he had declared Kate Austen dead himself, the night of the crash.

That scared part of Kate thought Shannon didn't need to know how much she had cried, for hours on Christian's shoulder because of Tom's death. How guilt followed Kate everywhere, at every single moment. She didn't need to know that when Kate had given birth to Ella, she had cried for the entire night, thinking that the little girl would carry her guilt.

The two sides of Kate were fist fighting inside her head, because she could feel a dull headache rising from the back of her neck to her forehead. As she closed her eyes and let the pain invade her, Kate's hand gripped the knife tight, almost breaking it against the wooden table upon which she was cutting the vegetables. The headache wasn't what really bothered her, she thought with a sigh; what bothered her was the fact that she knew that it was provoked by anxiety, by the feeling she had, that her life was about to go the wrong way.

Kate smiled bitterly at this thought. Her life had taken the wrong way years ago, when Diane had married her real father. It couldn't exactly take a worse wrong turn. Or maybe it could, ruining the life she had now. This realization, dawning on her for the first time with the overwhelming sense of reality, made her unable to breathe for a second, and she forced herself to open her eyes. Kate looked at her hands and made herself take a deep breath, getting calmer. It would be alright. Everything would be ok. She had Ella; she had her daughter and as long as she had her girl, everything would be ok. She had Shannon, the greatest friend she could ever have. She had Christian, who was more than a father to her. She had Sawyer, even though she wasn't quite certain of where to place him in her life. He was definitely a big presence, and was growing more and more in her mind. She would eventually have to find a place for him.

At first, his place had been that of a male friend she had the need for. Before becoming lovers, Tom and Kate had been best friends for years. They used to do everything together, and Kate felt like she needed that kind of relationship again. With Sawyer, as with Tom, she didn't need to pretend to be girly and sensitive. She could be herself: adventurous and daring, always ready for competition and for a good laugh. With Sawyer, she didn't have to pretend to be a women's woman, a perfect mother and wife, she could actually have fun. They were the same; their spirits wild as horses.

But underlying was something more fascinating, more... mystical: Their connection, and the way they had understood each other almost immediately, was the starting point, but not the centre of her feelings. They had _something_ between them, something that at times became almost palpable. Some sort of space, a distance that made them unable to go any further in their relationship. It was almost as if they were drawn to each other, but at the same time trying their best to impose some distance between them for the sake of her (or their) sanity. They did everything to stay apart, but could never be without contact for more than three or four days.

This reluctance in being together intrigued Kate, and made her get butterflies in her stomach. She felt like a teenager all over again, hands shaking and ragged breath whenever she thought of him. She was able to admit their hesitance, but couldn't bring herself to do anything about it. She couldn't help herself from teasing him just to see how far she could go, what he might do for her.

And, of course, there was the fact that his past, just like hers, was thoroughly, messed up. He had told her some things on that night they had spent together in the park, in Boston. He told her what he did for a living. He was a confidence man, a grifter, a con artist. He fooled people into giving him money. Money he used to survive, to pay for his small downtown apartment, to buy her vanilla lattes at Starbucks. He slept with women just for the money. That thought bothered her at first, had very little importance, now. She knew he could sleep with whomever he wanted to. The fact that their connection was way beyond the pure and raw sexual innuendos that bounced between them made that fact insignificant. He didn't feel anything for any of those women, she was sure of that. He slept with them in light moods, made them believe he loved them just so he could steal their money and then left them. She was aware of two or three women that he had told her about since they had met, but he had always spoke about them in such an unworried, light way, that she didn't even give them a passing thought.

Truth was it was beginning to make her jealous at times. Even if she was smart enough to know that they were just 'jobs', no more, the idea of another woman touching his body, pressing herself against him, inhaling his scent and running her hands through his hair was starting to make her crazy with jealousy. That, however, she kept to herself. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing she felt like killing every woman that had ever touched his body.

Then there was something about that letter. The one he had taken of his pocket when they were in the rain, afraid he might wet it, ruin it. The way he looked at it, the way he held it sort of reminded her of the way she had held Jack's shirt after seeing the lipstick stain. Reverently, respectfully. As if that letter was the motor that kept him running, the reason he had to be who he was. His personality and goals, all came down to one piece of paper.

He didn't tell her what was in the letter, and she didn't have the courage to ask. It was too private, too deep. She hadn't told him about Tom either, and she knew he knew she had a secret past she was afraid to talk about. Those things were, for the time being, off limits for both of them, and they wouldn't dare cross that line, unless forced.

The bell rang, dragging Kate out of her thoughts abruptly. Feeling slightly annoyed, she used the cloth she had on the table to clean her hands and loosened her hair from the ponytail, messing it a bit, expecting it to seem natural. Even if it was just Shannon, Kate liked to look her best. Even when she had the perfect notion that she'd be looking like hell in a matter of hours.

Kate opened the door and was greeted by the smiley figure of Shannon, who seemed to be a lot happier than what was normal for her.

"Hey Suze!" she kissed Kate's face and walked into the house, leaving her standing at the door, stunned. What the heck was wrong with Shannon? That happiness was contagious, and Kate couldn't help a smile as she watched the joyful way in which Shannon placed her little cardigan and the _écharpe_ she was wearing on the racket, while humming lightly what seemed to be a song by the Backstreet Boys. 'As long as you love me', Kate was almost sure (she had liked them, in her youth).

Still in awe, Kate placed an arm on the door as she observed Shannon's light and joy filling the house and even Kate herself. When Shannon had placed everything on the racket, she looked at Kate with a smile.

"So? Where's my god-daughter?" Kate smiled and kissed Shannon on the cheek, as she steered her friend into the kitchen.

"Ella is at Claire's. Aaron has some friends from kindergarten coming over, so they're going to be there all day. Jack's at the hospital. Had to do some exams." Kate said as she walked to the counter again, and continued making lunch. Shannon comfortably began to help her prepare lunch, while still humming the same chipper song.

After a moment or two of pure bliss for Shannon, and pure astonishment for Kate, she placed her knife on the counter and looked at her friend closely, trying to guess the reason for all the happiness radiating around her. It was extremely odd on Shannon, but made her more beautiful. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes bright as the sun on a nice day. Kate only wished today's sun would start shining.

"Ok, miss, please explain this mood." She said, putting a finger under Shannon's chin and lifting it up so that she could see her face. Shannon smiled sheepishly, looking at Kate curiously.

"What? I'm normal!"

Kate laughed.

"Yeah, right. You're humming _As Long As You Love Me_. That's not good. Or normal, for that matter!" They shared a giggle at this, and Shannon blushed a little. She looked away shyly, and Kate smiled even more, thinking of how beautiful her friend was when she was truly happy. She knew Shannon very well, and one of the few times she had seen her happy like this was when Ella was born. She hadn't seen her like that for a long time, especially because of how Sabrina, her stepmother, still managed to control her life behind the curtain. Her stepmother manipulated Boone, who in turn, manipulated Shannon into doing what his mother wanted. It had worked that way by what the woman had inherited from Shannon's father, and it was Christian and Kate's intromission that saved the girl's finances.

"I got a call from ABC." She said with flourish. Kate smiled and felt like playing around with her. A little joke wouldn't ruin her mood, would it?

"Wait a second... ABC... the TV network?" Shannon made an angry face and slapped Kate's arm lightly.

"American Ballet Company, idiot." Kate laughed a little and nodded.

"And? What did they want with you?" Shannon's smile widened, and as she felt herself blush, covered her eyes with her hands. Kate laughed at her friend's childish behaviour. That shyness sometimes made Kate see Ella in Shannon.

"Duh! They were inviting me to join them." Shannon dropped the bomb and waited for the news to settle. Slowly, it downed on Kate, the real importance of that phone call. Shannon had just been invited to join one of the most successful Ballet companies in the world, and Kate couldn't be more proud of her. Placing the knife on the table slowly, Kate looked over at Shannon with a wide smile on her face.

"That's... huh. Big." It was all she could manage to say, and Shannon didn't really need her to say anything else. Kate's smile said pretty much everything and she went around the counter to hug her best friend, matching the happiness Shannon had brought with her.

"I know... I feel like I'm dreaming." Shannon said on Kate's ear.

"Well, you're not. You worked hard for it, you deserve it." They loosened their embrace and Kate cleaned the tears from Shannon's face with her hand.

Kate felt bad. Shannon was so excited that it would be a crime to ruin her happiness with her own troubled past. But at the same time, Kate had to tell Shannon. Kate knew that her bubble could blow at any time and needed to know Ella would be safe if that happened. She wanted her daughter to be secure. It wasn't her will to tell, it was a necessity. The possibility of Ella being caught in the middle of a potentially violent situation was her worst fear and Kate needed to do this.

--------------------------------

Kate and Shannon had lunch quietly in the kitchen. They talked about trivial matters; the crazy weather, Shannon's plans for her life in New York and their favourite celebrities. Time flew by them, and when Kate looked at the clock, it was almost 2pm.

With a sick feeling at the pitch of her stomach, Kate felt like she needed to start talking, so she placed the plates in the sink and took Shannon to the porch, where they could have coffee. Although it was raining insanely hard, the air was hot, feeling like a tropical place instead of dry and cold Boston.

Shannon sat on a chair at Kate's side, and they both sipped their coffees slowly, looking at the garden and getting lost in their own thoughts. Kate finally broke the silence.

"Shann?" she said softly, almost inaudibly, wishing she wouldn't hear her. At that time, Kate would rather have lightning strike the garden, so she wouldn't have to tell Shannon about her life. Unfortunately Shannon heard her pretty well, and had her face turned towards Kate expectantly.

"Yeah."

"I don't know if you remember... I had something I wanted to talk to you about..." Shannon slapped her forehead and Kate smiled nervously.

"Oh my God! Yes you did, ad I totally forgot it, with all this ABC mess! Oh Susie, I'm so sorry!" Kate smiled and placed her hand on top of hers, in a soothing gesture.

"There's no problem, really." Kate paused, unsure of how to continue "I need to ask you a favour."

"Sure, go ahead!" Shann took a sip of her coffee and leaned back on the chair, breathing softly. Kate looked at her hands, and noticed they were trembling. Placing them under her legs so that they'd stop shaking, she smiled a little.

"I need you to listen to everything I'm going to tell you, without interrupting." She paused "It's not good, nor pleasant, but I need you to know some things about me."

"Susan..." Shannon looked genuinely concerned now, pulling her body forward, placing her elbows on her knees, so that her face was at Kate's level. Kate smiled a little.

"Well, for starters, my name isn't Susan. It's Kate. Kate Austen."

--------------------------------

Almost two hours after that moment, Kate had told Shannon everything about her life, her previous one and the present one, managing to show an incredible amount of self control while she was talking.

True, she had almost started sobbing when she told Shannon about the teenage years. What Wayne did to her and her mother. Luckily, she had managed to allow only a couple of tears. When she described the way she had planned Wayne's murder; her revenge, she couldn't stop shaking. At one point, she couldn't even talk, until Shannon looked away and she managed to compose herself.

Shannon, on the other hand, had gone through an immense myriad of feelings and expressions throughout those two hours. When Kate dropped the bomb, the first revelation about her name, Shannon had gotten up, pale as a dead person, and covered her mouth with her hand. When Kate told her, right after that, that she would be in jail if it wasn't for Christian, Shannon started pacing from one side of the porch to another, until Kate reached out to her and stopped her, placing her hands on both sides of Shannon's face and holding her in place.

"I need you to hear me, Shannon. I need you to be with me." She had said, crying too, and Shannon had nodded and sat beside her.

Right now Kate was telling her about Sawyer and the things Jack had done. Shannon looked strangely detached from everything around her. She was staring at the floor, her eyes filled with tears and biting her nail; the nail she always bit when she was nervous. Kate observed her, concerned, wanting see how she was coping with the truth. Sighing, she decided to continue.

"Shann, you've been my best friend ever since we met, when we shared the apartment. I don't know what I would have done without you, or if I'd have come this far. And that's why I need you to do something for me. You're the only one I trust." She paused. "I need you to take care of Ella in case something happens. I need you to be available for me, and if I call you, I need you to come and pick Ella up right away, take her with you to your house and don't let anyone, not even Jack or Christian take her. "Kate wiped away a tear, playing with a bit with her hair between her fingers "I need you to do this for me, Shann. But even more for Ella."

Shannon looked at Kate with a small smile on her face, tears running down her rosy cheeks.

"Of course I will. Ella is above all of this." She got slowly up and leaned on the porch frame "It doesn't change what I feel now... what's your name again?"

"Kate. But Shann, you can still call me Susan, it's probably better..."

"NO!" Shannon's shout interrupted Kate's speech "No more lies. No more faking. You wanna know what? I don't care if you're a wanted criminal. I don't care if you killed your father, because after what you told me, you had reasons to do it. I don't care if you killed your high school sweetheart in the runaway process. What I care about is you lying to me all this time, pretending to be something you weren't." She paused, trying to regain her thoughts, put them in order, holding two fingers on top of her lips. Kate felt miserable, but she was expecting this to happen. So she closed her eyes and listened to what her friend had to say "The only thing I care about right now, is feeling like our friendship was nothing but a lie. It was all a lie, Susan. The nights we spent together, laughing, before you married Jack. That moment..." Shannon wiped the tears from her face, her cries growing more and more uncontrollable "when Ella was born, when I went visit you. I felt like Ella was my own blood, Kate, just like you were. We were like sisters. And that was all a lie. It was all a fcking lie..."

"No, it wasn't! It was never a lie, Shann! I loved you before and I love you now, and the only thing that changes is my name! You said it yourself, my past is not important. Killing my father changed me, it did, but the Susan you know is, at the very core, the Kate who had the guts to get revenge. I am Kate Austen, and you were one of the only people that allowed me to be Kate, not the Susan I had to be for everyone else." Kate stopped in front of Shannon, noticing the discrepancy in their heights. She looked at her friend, whose sobs were now calming down, and touched her lightly "You've said it yourself, so many times that the person I was with you was not the same person I was with everybody else. Remember that? You saying you liked me a lot more when I was alone with you?"

"Yeah, I do." Shannon was smiling in remembrance. Kate felt herself calming down and collapsed onto the chair, cradling her head in her hands. Shannon lowered herself to the same level and reached out to hold Kate's head in an embrace, while she sobbed. "Wanna know something, Susie? And hell yeah, I'm going to keep calling you Susan... but wanna know something?" Kate nodded, and Shannon wiped her tears with her hands "I'll be hurt for a while. I can't help it. But it will go away, because I'll never stop loving you. You're my best friend. I just need some time alone to let all this settle in and think. Think about this, you know? I'm going, now." She kissed Kate on the forehead and got up, preparing to leave the house. Kate's mind raced as she got up, following Shannon inside the house while she gathered her things. Kate wrote a number on a piece of paper and got to the door just in time to catch Shannon.

"Just one more thing, Shann..."

"Yeah?" Kate placed the small paper inside Shannon's hand and she read it.

"It's Sawyer's phone number. If something happens to me... give him a call. He's not very nice, but he'll need to know." Shannon nodded and turned around, heading over to her car and leaving a broken Kate on the porch.

-----------------------------

A week had passed and Kate hadn't heard from Shannon since the conversation on the porch. The more time went by, the more nervous she felt. At times, she thought she might never hear from Shannon again, and she began to get sad about loosing her best friend. At other times, she thought Shannon was taking her time out, as she said she would. It was almost torture, though, and everyone had noticed she wasn't alright. Even Sawyer.

They were at the park. The same park where they were on the night Kate had found out about Jack's betrayal. Jack was back to work, so she had a lot of free time on her hands again. Most times she spent it with Ella, Claire, with her enormous belly, and Aaron. Other times, she spent it with Sawyer, in Boston. So far, they had been together three times in that same week, which was uncanny. It was wonderful, but they fought whenever they were together. Whether it was because Kate was sad and didn't quite enjoy one of his jokes, or because he was late and looking like he had just gotten out of some woman's bed. Kate ended up being grateful for those fights, because they gave them a feeling of reality. It wasn't a fairytale. She wouldn't act like a perfect woman every day, and the fact that they already fought gave them both a knowledge about each other that they seemed to need.

She could read him almost perfectly, by now, knowing when he was mad, by the look in his eyes; the same look from that awful night. She knew when he was worried, because his smile was different, his dimples disappeared almost completely and his eyes wouldn't close when he laughed. She knew perfectly when he was happy with himself: the dimples came back in full force and his eyes smiled too. His whole body did. In fact, that was when she thought he was most handsome, when he was happy about himself.

Kate had seen him many different ways throughout the two months that had passed since they'd met, and that was her favourite: seeing him happy about something he had done. Being proud of himself was almost as exciting as seeing him in his bathing suit (which she had, back in the Cape). It was something very rare, and it made Kate want to throw everything away for him.

Kate was sitting on the bench now, eating some popcorn, while Sawyer stood in front of her, telling her about his last con. Sex scenes included, which he managed to make extremely sexy and funny at the same time with his story telling skills. He was in that mood; the one that made Kate weak in the knees. His eyes were glimmering and his voice was low and funny, his southern drawl even more pronounced. He paced from one side of the bench to another, telling her exactly what he had done, with all the tiny details, almost as if he wanted her to learn something.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to teach me a thing or two." Kate said, a smile on her face as she continued to munch on her popcorn. Sawyer stooped in front of her eyes lit like an excited kid.

"Well, Freckles, you never know. You might decide to leave that hubby of yours someday, and we could make a career out of this together! What do ya think? Wanna play 'Bonnie and Clyde' with me?" As he said all this, his face got close to hers, so that when he finished, there was only an inch of air between their mouths. That inch, however, was made of granite, so Kate smiled widely and placed piece popcorn on his lips. He opened them and welcomed the sweetness inside his mouth. Kate's finger was still lingering on the corner of his mouth, and her eyes wandered over his face, as if memorizing it. He turned his face quickly, he bit her finger teasingly, scaring her out of her thoughts and loosing himself in his own laughter. She teasingly looked at her finger, examining it and smacked his arm when he sat beside her, pretending to pout.

"Bstard. You almost gave me a heart attack, you know?" she said, still not able to suppress a smile. He looked down at her and smiled again, too.

"Well, darlin', I already own your heart…" she was ready to reply him with a witty comeback, when her phone started to ring. She sighed, sure it was Jack, who, having found something else to bug her with, was now putting his plan in action. Taking the cell phone out of the purse, she looked at the screen and smiled at sawyer.

"Now this" she said, pointing at the phone "is the real owner of my heart. At least legally." She smiled as she said that sentence with excessive drama, emphasizing the obvious fact that Jack was not even close to own her heart. Rolling her eyes while she opened the phone cap, she saw Sawyer looking away, an annoyed expression on his eyes. Her heart got suddenly lighter. Was it her, or he was actually jealous of Jack? She smiled as he muttered some angry words, out of which she could only understand 'cell phone' and 'husband'. Feeling herself getting more and more excited, she calmed her tone, and answered Jack in a controlled, calm way.

"Hello." Jack's voice, on the other side, sounded strangely calm. Calm as a judge would be, when sentencing his worst enemy to death.

"Susan? Hey, I just wanted to let you know my mom will be over for dinner tonight." he paused "Make something nice, ok?" She smiled slightly. Margo Shepard would be over for dinner and Kate couldn't feel any more annoyed about it.

"Isn't your father coming?" she asked her voice full of hope. If Christian was there, she could at least _dream_ of enjoying herself at that dinner.

"He's got something scheduled. That's why I called my mom; I knew she'd be alone." He paused, and Kate heard a female voice right beside him.

"Okay, then. I'm sure I'll think of something." She hung up the phone and dropped it on her purse, looking over at Sawyer with a smile "I have my mother-in-law at my house tonight. That sex scene you were telling me about? It better be _very_ good."

"Oh, it is! But I'll tell you later. I kinda have to go now." He smiled a little as he said this, making Kate smile even wider.

"You gonna meet that girl, Cowboy?" he was playing a game and she knew it. He wanted her to believe he was going to meet some other girl, in order to make her terribly jealous of him. She wasn't the only one who could read him. He could read through her too, and already he knew her way too well.

Strangely enough, this made Kate even more attracted to Sawyer. When he got up from the bench, she did the same, and as he was trying to kiss her cheek, in the same way he always did, she grabbed his face with both hands and pressed her lips against his, making him gasp slightly in surprise. After that moment of shock, he kissed her just as hard as she was kissing him, their tongues entwined and his hands lost in her hair, her neck and shoulders.

It was the first time they had kissed since The Cape, and it felt even better. It was risky, doing it in the middle of the town, but the park was almost empty now and they were practically alone. The sensation of risk that came with it only increased their adrenaline, and made her want to give herself to him, all of her, in that kiss.

Hi hands, roaming over her back got messed up in her hair while she embraced him by the shoulders, pulling him even closer. This was nothing like their first kiss. That one had been calm, soft and tender, while this one was passionate, and rough. There was no time for tenderness; every second of this kiss was of desire, with his hands touching her and her hands pulling him closer.

Kate finally pulled away when she began to feel dizzy from the lack of air in her lungs. Placing her forehead against his, she smiled contently, hearing him suck in the air he had lost in that kiss.

"Jesus, Freckles…" he breathed, and she smiled against his cheek. Kate regretfully pulled out of his embrace, looking him in the eye, pulling herself together.

"Don't try to make me jealous again, Sawyer." She said with a girlish smile "I might get violent."

Standing on her toes, Kate dropped a soft kiss on his lips, lingering there for a bit longer than it was necessary, only to turn around and start walking, leaving a breathless and astonished Sawyer behind her.


	18. Chapter 18

Alrighty, first of all, I have some stuff to tell you all.

I want to thank the crowd that always reviews this fan fiction. I'm having a wonderful time writing this, and I wanted you to know that when I do this, I do it for you guys. You've been more supportive and faithful than I could have ever imagined. This really, really makes me want to write more and more. Your reactions, your comments or jokes on this make me really happy. I just wanted you all to know that.

Special thanks go to **Piper Chris Fan**, **Cait** (Cowboysw/Dimples), **Jessie** (skater23), **KittieCorpse**, **Dinuriel**, **AgathaN**,** Myangeline**, **Dulcedecorumest** and **bloody rock god** for being the most faithful and encouraging readers I've ever encountered. And thanks to those I'm forgetting too… 

Second, I wanted to make a little, tiny disclaimer. The opinions stated on this chapter about Catholics and Protestants are not my personal opinions. Being a catholic myself, I feel like strangling anybody who thinks the same way as a _certain_ character. So, it's all in good of characterization, and no harm intended.

On to the chappy, now!

**Chapter 18**

For the second time that day, Kate was mixing the dressing into the salad, looking through the window of her kitchen. She had left Sawyer standing in the park three hours ago and was already missing him, his voice and his scent. Her life was so much easier, now that she had admitted, not only to Shannon but, more importantly, to herself that she was falling for him. She didn't try to avoid her dreams about him. She didn't try to shake the thoughts that involved him out of her head. She didn't pretend to be in love with Jack, not even to herself. She had assumed her feelings for him in the same way she would assume an opinion, or a statement she made: naturally, as if it had always been a part of her.

Actually, in her deepest thoughts she got used to thinking that she'd always had that place for him inside of her. That little empty space that he was now filling, with his feverous joy and permanent darkness. She liked to think that all the suffering in her life, all she had gone through, was sort of a preparation for him, for his presence in her life and in her mind. All the pain she had gone through was just there for her to know how it was, how it felt, how _he_ felt. Because, even if she didn't know a lot about his past life, she did know it was painful. She saw it in his eyes, when he touched that letter. She had felt it in the way he held her close to his body, that night she had almost gotten herself killed by a car.

Since day one, she could feel the pain that was constantly growing inside his him. She thought, at some point, that the same pain was the final factor that made her throw herself at him, pulling her to him like a magnet. That night, when she found out Jack was betraying her, she went to him because she knew he would understand her. He'd been betrayed before, not by a woman (which Kate found quite odd, since he would usually be the one cheating) but by someone from his past. Maybe his parents, maybe someone closer. She had seen herself in him; her pain, his somehow troubled past, her unsettling mind. They were alike, two of a kind. That resemblance was something completely new in her life. Their connection, was worth all the pain it would carry.

Looking through the window and watching Ella playing in the sandbox with Aaron, Kate couldn't help a sigh. She was still thinking about him, it wasn't something she could avoid, she thought as the smile widened on her face. She missed him. Damn, she missed him like crazy. Their relationship had started out as a deep emotional connection, but since their first kiss, and this second one, she craved his body, as well as his mind. The realization that he was actually jealous of seeing her with Jack had dawned on her in the form of an immense and crazy desire, not only for his attention, but for his body too. She wanted to have him right there, by her side, standing on her kitchen as he had done on the Cape House. She wanted to feel him close to her, not emotionally, but physically. Smell him and feel the heat radiating from his body, while he stood at her side.

It was funny that they had only touched each other a handful of times. First, the hug. That rainy night, when he had pulled her away from a certain and violent death, holding her tight and almost painfully against him. Then, the kiss at the Cape house. That was a slow, tender touch. A lingering sweetness that she could feel in her mouth all over again when imagined it. Then, when she thought of a truthful, passionate touch, she thought about their kiss, from that afternoon. It was rough and violent, but so full of everything they had, that she couldn't help biting her lower lip, in the hope that she could taste him there.

And then, there were the several small touches they shared, when meeting in town. That touch in Starbucks, her hand on his, feeling his warm and manly touch. That time, which was probably her favourite, when he had taken her hand in the middle of the street, entwining his fingers with hers and pulling her hand into the pocket of his leather jacket, both hands so close together that Kate thought they would melt into each other.

She couldn't avoid a small laugh, as she thought of this particular time. It had meant a lot to her, that was pretty obvious. It was the first time they had seen each other since the Cape house, and Kate was very nervous to meet him, to see the way he would react to being together after the kiss. Would he go back to his angry and sarcastic self or would he turn into a soft, tender guy? She was hoping he'd stay as ironic and seemingly cruel as ever.

When they met, at the usual place, the Starbucks door, he was already there, waiting for her. He regarded her with an angry look, scowling and looking away.

"What took ya so long, Freckles?" and when she smiled at him, he said, almost as an afterthought "I've been here for twenty whole minutes."

"Sorry 'bout that." it was the only thing she said, waiting for him to say something else. When he didn't, she started walking around him to get inside the coffee shop, but his hand stopped her.

"Let's take a walk instead. Don't feel like bein' inside today." She stared at him, in awe. It was usually her, the one who wanted to be outside, enjoying the sun and the fresh air. Of course, his desire to be on the street had to have something to do with the fact that the weather was insanely cold, for July, and that it looked like it was about to rain.

Sighing at his usual urge for self punishment, she followed him down Winter Street, until they reached Boston Common, a big park within the city, looking a little bit like the one they used to sort of hide in. Entering the park, a cold wind started out of nowhere, forcing Kate to push her denim coat closer against her skin.

Fifteen minutes had passed and he hadn't said a word. It seemed like he was still mad at her for being late, but she knew it wasn't just that. Even though Sawyer got angry for the smallest things, he wouldn't be able to be quiet for fifteen whole minutes because of her lateness. There was something more, she was pretty sure of that. 

Trying to oppose herself to his silent treatment, she looked at him and, realizing he was completely lost in his own thoughts, sat down on a bench, while he kept walking, without noticing he had left her behind. Trying to hold her laughter, Kate stood quiet and let him walk for a while. Looking at his back, she suddenly felt like what he really needed was to lay his head on her chest and let her take care of him. Still, she crossed her arms in front of her chest, waiting for him to come back for her.

He kept walking, his slow swagger making her unable to take his eyes off him, until he saw she wasn't by his side. Looking around in surprise, he tried to find her with his eyes, his face constricted as if he was about to swear. Feeling a coldness in the pitch of her stomach, she watched as his face turned from surprise to anger, and then to something deeper something that she had identified as a profound, rough sadness. He looked abandoned.

This thought made Kate change her mind and lift her hand towards him, calling his attention. She tried to suppress a smile as he looked at her, relief taking over his face like a mask. Still holding his mouth closed tight and his teeth gritted, he walked towards her, stopping in front of her.

"You expecting me to get lost, or somethin'?" he said in a low voice, still angry. Kate answered him with a smile.

"Well, I figured that if I was gonna walk the part with a silent mummy, might as well take a seat and enjoy the view." She paused after this sentence, analyzing his face and watching it relax a bit "So? Wanna take a seat or wanna keep walking that bad mood of yours?" 

Sawyer looked at her sideways, a short bitter smile appearing, then quickly disappearing on his face. He took a seat beside Kate and crossed his arms in front of his chest, sprawling his legs in front of him defiantly.

"Fine." He sighed, while Kate tried, unsuccessfully, not to laugh. "What do you wanna talk about, miss?"

"Why are you like this?" she asked, simply, as if she was commenting the weather, or a Red Sox game. He looked at her and, for a moment neither of them said anything. They just shared the look, that look that said she had just gone too far. And although she retreated most of the times, that wouldn't be one of them.

"None of your business." He broke the eye contact and looked forward, sinking his hands deep in the pockets of the leather jacket. Kate did the same in her own coat, sighing and looking away from him.

"Ok." She said, after a moment. He looked at her and got up from the bench, offering her a hand to help her stand up. She had placed her hand in his and he had pulled her up, starting to walk.

Strangely enough, neither of them bothered to tear their hands apart. Instead of that, Sawyer opened Kate's hand and entwined her fingers with his, continuing to walk. She smiled a little, glancing at him and then looking forward and walking beside him.

She was smart enough to know that it was the closest thing to an apology that she would get. She was, however, satisfied with this little gesture. Squeezing his hand lightly, she looked up at him, as he raised both their hands, still entwined, and sunk them in the pocket of his jacket. Feeling the difference between the cold wind and the warmness of his pocket, Kate smiled at him. 

------------------------------- 

Kate was so absorbed in her thoughts, she didn't hear Jack and Margo's entrance to the house. Both of them were in the kitchen, now, looking at Kate as if she was a creature from another planet. Kate placed the fork she was holding on the counter and smiled a little at Margo, who was watching her with a sly smile. It wasn't hard to tell that Jack was her son, they were very much alike.

"Hi, Margo. How are you?" Kate asked politely, her best fake smile wide on her face. The older woman looked at her from top to bottom and answered, in her usual arrogant tone.

"Hi, Susan. I'm fine, how are you?"

Margo was somewhere in her fifties, and was a considered society lady. Rich and smart, she married a promising spinal surgeon that she had learned to love. She had only one son; a son that would perpetuate the medical tradition of the family. So, by being an only child, little Jack was to be a perfect boy. Smart and nice like his mother, but still cold and a tiny bit callus like his father. Or what she believed Christian to be, anyway.

Kate had a feeling that Margo had never really known her husband. The Christian that Kate knew wasn't the Christian Margo knew, she was sure of that. He was an adorably sarcastic man, a little manipulative, yes, but no worse than Margo herself.

Margo regarded Kate with interest, while Jack went outside to get Ella. She smiled, a cold smile that made Kate shiver and look away.

"Are you happy with my son, Susan?" Margo made the question in the same way she had asked Sawyer what was wrong with him, that day on the park. Matter-of-factly, as if it was a statement, and not a question. 

Kate chose not to take her eyes away from the salad, as she answered "Why do you ask?" Margo smiled, a victorious little smile, as if she had just confirmed a suspicious she had been holding in for years. 

"Well, are you?" Kate placed the fork on the counter with a thud and looked up at her mother-in-law, smiling a bit.

"Yes, I am." Kate lied proudly. She wouldn't give into Margo, she wouldn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

Kate knew that Margo had always been against their marriage in the first place. Before meeting Kate and falling in love with her, Jack was engaged to a society girl, Sarah, who was daughter of one of Margo's best friends. With the break up, and the fact that Jack had chosen Kate, a girl that had come into town out of nowhere, almost dead in a gurney, and seemed to have no past, instead of an Art History graduate, politely raised wealthy girl, Margo had grown to hate Kate with all her strength.

It was embarrassing enough that the girl wanted to get married in a Catholic ceremony, and that Jack had indulged it. Religion didn't matter all that much to him, he was a man of science, like his father. But it did for Margo. Catholicism was the religion of the poor and the Italian immigrants that lived in ghettos. It wasn't appropriate, especially since the Shepard's had always been known Protestants.

Besides the religious matter, that she indulged in order to keep her son satisfied, there was the fact that she had no family. No connections whatsoever, that would allow Margo to snoop into her life, find out her crimes and debts and most of all, find material to humiliate her in front of everyone she knew. Margo had the perfect notion that if she did that, Jack would probably turn his back on her, but he would come back around. He always did, he couldn't stand to be away from his mother for long.

The fact that he was a momma's boy gave Margo a certain advantage, in order to manipulate him and put him exactly where she wanted him to be. She had to, for his own good. Jack, despite her best tries to make a cold man out of him, turned out to be a sensitive, loving man, and a caring doctor. Whenever he had a patient, he got involved. He took it personally, and Margo knew it would be death for him and his career if he kept that behaviour. So, she managed to make him tell her everything about his life, so that she could control his opinions, his thoughts about people.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago, Jack turned into the man she had always wanted him to be. He had become cold, distant to everyone except her. Even to Kate.

The reason of his sudden change, however, had intrigued her until the day he had had the accident. When she got to the hospital, she saw two beds in that bedroom, one of them with a woman, a beautiful brunette. Standing unnoticed on the entrance, she had heard them talking. 

"Don't worry, ok? No one will ever know." Jack had said in a small, loving voice. The woman had answered him in a strong tone.

"I know." She paused, and Margo was getting ready to interrupt them when the woman started speaking again. "Jack?"

"Yeah." 

"I was afraid, back then. Afraid I was..." her previously strong voice was now trembling with emotion. "Afraid I was gonna loose you." 

Hearing these words, Margo comprehended the whole situation. Slowly getting out of the room, she called one of the male nurses and told him that there was someone else on her son's room, and that she wanted that person removed immediately. As the man dragged away the other bed, where the woman laid, her eyes closed, Margo entered the room and greeted her son, kissing him lightly on the forehead.

After that day, discovering Jack had an affair, Margo realized what had provoked such a turnaround in his personality. He was miserable. She could see he was in love with this other woman, and the fact that he was betraying Susan was making him blame himself and get away from the fair, honest man he had always been. In the same second she realized that, she also realized she preferred her son as he was previously. She realized that the real Jack was the honest, caring one, and she immediately regretted all those years of pressure for him to be stronger, more distant.

Now, standing in front of his betrayed wife, Margo was actually having fun with the pressure she was putting upon her daughter-in-law. It was liberating, being able to mock her and humiliate her, and still realize Jack didn't give a damn about it. 

------------------------------------------- 

The table was set, and Jack and Margo were already seated when Kate came back with Ella, after giving the girl a quick bath. Ella was wearing a Care Bears t-shirt and a little pink cardigan over it, which made her look like a doll. Kate loved seeing her all girly.

When she arrived at the table, Ella regarded her grandmother curiously, taking her seat in her tall chair and looking at her grandmother's face more closely. Placing her elbows on the table, she dropped her chin in her hands and smiled.

"Grandma, why do you have lines in your face?" the little girl asked, smiling. Kate realized what the question meant and tried to choke back a laugh, while she told the girl to take her elbows off the table.

"What, sweetie? What lines?" Margo asked curiously. Ella leaned on the table and pointed at the wrinkles that her grandmother had around her eyes. Suddenly realizing what the girl meant, Margo regarded Kate with an angry look.

"Don't you teach your daughter how to behave?" Kate smiled a little, and placed her hand over Ella's, as if protecting her from some invisible source of evilness.

"I can't blame her for being curious. And since I don't have any wrinkles, it's more than normal for her to be curious about yours..." Margo swallowed her food, while Kate looked at the girl proudly and winked at her, having fun with the whole situation. 

---------------------------------------------------- 

Later that night, when Kate was washing the dishes and Ella was sitting beside her on the sink, colouring one of her books, Margo asked Jack if she could talk to him alone. The two of them walked up the stairs all the way to Jack's office, and Kate heard the door lock. Smiling lightly, she continued to wash the dishes, while Ella hummed a song from 'Pocahontas' and Kate sang along.

"Mommy, where's Shannon?" the girl asked, plainly. Kate looked at her with a smile and sighed a bit, continuing to clean the kitchen. Ella didn't even take her eyes off the colouring book, so there was no risk of her seeing her mother's sad face when she answered. 

"Shannon's... away for a bit." Kate couldn't think of anything else to say but that. Ella, however, wouldn't leave her get away that easily. 

"Why?" 

"Why?" Kate laughed a bit and sighed "Because mommy did something very bad."

Ella looked up from her book, slowly, until she saw the sadness in her mother's eyes. Placing her little hand on Kate's cheek, the girl caressed her face for a while, looking at her mother's eyes. 

"She'll forgive you." She said, simply, and Kate took the girl's hand and kissed her palm. Ella smiled a little and Kate could swear she had seen something inside the girl that made her feel safe and warm. Some sort of wisdom, of complete acknowledgement of the world, even if she was just four years old.

Ella went back to her colouring books as Kate finished cleaning the kitchen, both humming the 'Pocahontas' song together. After another comfortable half silence, Ella raised her head again and looked at Kate, curiously.

"Mommy, where's John Smith?" Kate stopped what she was doing, dropping the wet cloth on the sink.

"Who?" the girl smiled a little.

"Duh! The John Smith that was in the Cape house." Kate's cell phone rang at that precise moment, and she thanked God for it's amazing timing. Looking at the screen, she smiled. It was Sawyer. She looked at Ella one more time before picking up the call.

"Well, here's your John Smith, Ella. And don't you 'duh' me again, young lady." She said with a smile, making Ella laugh. Opening the phone cap, she smiled as she spoke.

"I have a young lady asking for you on this side of the line, man." Kate said this simply, with a bit of laughter in her voice, while Ella watched her closely.

"Who's that?" he seemed genuinely curious, so Kate placed the phone on Ella's ear, and the girl giggled a bit.

"Hi John Smith!" the girl said, sheepishly, and Kate let her talk to Sawyer for a bit. She could hear her giggling as she cleaned the rest of the dishes, until the girl passed her the phone. She took it in her hand and put the girl down from the counter.

"Hey. What's up?"

She could hear his smile in his voice. Wondered at how much she knew his voice, for a moment, she stopped in the middle of the kitchen. 

"That daughter of yours, she's somethin." He stated, with a bit of laughter. Kate looked through the window as she heard Ella running around in the room.

"Yeah." She paused, afraid of breaking that moment of pure bliss in which they were both immersed. Ella did that to people, Kate had no idea how. "Is there a reason for you to call me, or did you just miss me?"

"I missed you." He said, bluntly. Her stomach went all the way down to her feet and back to her abdomen, and she leaned on the window and touched the glass with her forehead, wanting the sudden coldness to wake her up. "And I have something to tell you."

That broke the spell.

"Really? What is that?" she asked, not curious at all.

"Can you have lunch with me tomorrow, Freckles? I have someone I want you to meet..." she laughed a bit before answering.

"You're not gonna drag me into one of your schemes are you? Cause I already have enough problems to worry about..."

"It's not a scheme. It's someone you might be interested in knowin'." He said, with a serious voice. That tone alarmed Kate, who raised her head from the glass and looked at the door, suddenly afraid of Jack and Margo's entrance.

"Who's that?" she asked.

"I can't tell ya. But you'll see tomorrow." He paused, sighing. "Boston Common entrance, at noon. Meet me there."

"Sure." She said, getting ready to hang up, until she heard his voice calling her name. Clinging to the phone, she pulled it to her ear again, speaking slowly, as if afraid that the name she'd heard was a mere product of her imagination.

"Yeah?" she sighed, and he sighed too, giving them both the sensation of talking to someone that they trusted with a deep, almost blind faith. Those sighs, that they didn't share with anyone else, were the symbol of their shared secrets and fears, of their deep, primal connection.

"I did miss you, Kate." He said, and she heard him hanging up. Bringing the cell phone down to her chest, she inhaled deeply and smiled. He did miss her, after all. 

------------------------------------------------ 

The next day, Kate was already in town, preparing to have lunch with Sawyer. She had dropped Ella at Kindergarten at 9am, and run some errands. When it was near noon, she approached the Boston Common area, parking her car near it and walking the rest of the way, until she saw his familiar figure standing near the entrance of the park. Smiling at him as she approached, she saw his smile and covered her face with her hand a little, getting closer to him.

He was alone, which was a surprise, but she was glad he was, and that way she would have a few minutes alone with him. When she was near him, she looked up at him shyly, causing his dimples to become so deep that she just wanted to kiss them.

His hand travelled down to hers, and he squeezed it, pressing his thumb against her palm.

"Hi." She said, and he kept looking at her and smiling like a teenager. "What?" she asked.

He lowered his head and kissed her forehead, lingering there a little bit longer than necessary and then lowering his lips to the spot between her eyebrows, which he kissed softly. She placed both her hands on his chest softly. Pulling away slowly, she smiled at him. 

"We can't do this here." She said simply, and he backed away a bit. 

"I'm telling you something, Freckles, the day I have you, you better hire someone to take care of your girl, because I won't let you out of bed for a week." He stated, and she looked at him in shock, blushing.

Even though their conversations were always filled with sexual innuendos, they had never talked about it seriously, or in that confessional tone Sawyer had just used. It was almost as if they had always spoken of another couple, not themselves, not their intimacy. With this statement, Sawyer had admitted in front of her what she was afraid to admit in front of him: that he wanted her. Not just as a friend, or a loved one, but sexually. And even though it was no big news, it was exciting to see him admit that so bluntly.

"Don't worry, it won't be long if you keep looking at me like that." she stated, simply, looking at him longingly.

Sawyer was looking at her in the same way; but he suddenly shifted his eyes to something behind Kate's back. Looking over her shoulder, she saw a woman looking directly at Sawyer. The woman was beautiful: clearly Latin-American, she had long dark hair and full lips. She was hearing a black t-shirt with beige cargo pants and a beige scarf draped around her neck. Her walk wasn't of a fragile woman. Her steps were strong and firm, and she seemed to be very sure of her way. Getting closer to them, and still not smiling, she approached Sawyer and looked at him directly in the eye.

"Hey man." She said, simply, waiting for Sawyer to introduce her to Kate. He looked at both of them before he started talking.

"Susan," Kate almost opened her mouth in shock when he called her Susan, but understood that he must have had a reason for that. "This is Ana-Lucia. She's a friend of mine" what he said next put Kate near a panic attack "She was a cop." Kate held her breath until he continued "but now she's out. She does some schemes, some cons, like I do."

Kate offered her hand, smiling lightly with relief.

"Hi, Ana-Lucia." The other woman shook Kate's hands and looked away, as if she was ashamed.

"Hi." 

Sawyer continued to talk.

"I wanted you two to meet each other because..." he didn't seem like he was able to finish the sentence, so Ana did it for him.

"Because I'm Jack's lover. I was in the accident with him."


	19. Chapter 19

_**Thank you very much for all your reviews! They're what keep me writing, and I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy, when I think of the wonderful audience I have for this. You guys rock!**_

**_I'd also like to thank Kayla (SweetRapture71 from LF) for the wonderful beta-reading. you're awesome, sweetie!_**

**Chapter 19**

Kate almost fell on her back, hearing the words that the woman in front of her had just said. Feeling like she was in some kind of movie, some sort of twisted fantasy, she almost didn't react to the surprise that was taking over her mind. It was almost as if those words weren't real, as if Kate was perfectly sure she wasn't actually there, that it was a dream. It was one of those dream-realization moments: that second where something happens, something so uncanny and unexpected that you are sure that you're dreaming. It can't be real.

"I'm sorry... what?" Kate mumbled, with a smile appearing on her face. She was about to start laughing when her eyes crossed with Sawyer's, and the seriousness in his expression made her place her feet on earth again. He wasn't laughing. He wasn't even smiling. His expression was one of worryness, mixed with a coldness that made Kate shiver. He was worried about her, but not enough to prevent her from smashing against this new information.

Ana Lucia, on the other hand, had a strange expression, that didn't match at all the idea of toughness and independence that Kate had of her. It was a mix of shame and glory, as if she was truly embarrassed of being Jack's lover, and at the same time, terribly proud of that affair. No, not affair. Of that _passion_. Kate identified that look as one of defiance, the look she was used to see in herself when she was younger. An overwhelming wave of compassion came over her when she realized Ana's feelings for Jack weren't only lustful, and made her forget about what she had just heard, making her want to put her hand over Ana's and show her that she understood.

All these thoughts were coming back to Kate's mind at the speed of light, and she wasn't sure she could take some kind of conclusion out of them. She could see some images, like a film reel, passing by right in front of her eyes: the night of the party, when she had seen Jack with another woman; she saw now that it was her, it was that Ana Lucia girl, standing right in front of her. The image of Jack's stained shirt came to her mind as well, accompanied by small parts of her life, of Jack's sadness in the last few months, of the accident.

Ana was in the accident with Jack. It didn't make sense, she would have known. Christian would have told her, wouldn't he? Unless, of course, he wanted to protect her, to protect her marriage. Who was she kidding? He wanted to protect _Jack_, not her. It was Jack's reputation that was at stake, not hers. Her reputation was absolutely secondary.

Still, Kate was looking at Ana in a friendly way. She realized, slowly, that she couldn't bring herself to hate a woman that loved someone that much. She had to like her, because she was starting to understand her.

"You heard her. She's..." Ana Lucia interrupted Sawyer to say it herself, as if she was afraid he'd spoil what they had just by saying it.

"I'm the one your husband's having the affair with. I'm his lover." She said, looking away as she pronounced the word 'lover'.

Kate was stunned. She had no idea of what to say, or how to react. For a moment, she fought the urge to run, to start running down the street and never set foot on that place again.

"I'm sorry, I'm... not very sure of what I should say..." Kate said simply, barely capable of holding a smile. It was surreal. Sawyer stepped between them and put his hands on Kate's arms, his face still serious, while he tried to make her focus.

"Why don't you two go to the park and talk for a while? I'm sure there's some stuff Ana could tell you..." he said these words softly, trying to use his charm to convince her, but Kate cut him off, finally regaining her usual confidence.

"Like what?" Kate could feel herself scarily close to a serious burst. She was about to either break down or explode in their faces, showing more than she wanted about herself. "Like why she decided to have an affair with my husband? Or what did I do wrong?" Taking a deep breath, Kate looked down at her hands and then back at Sawyer's eyes, feeling calmer.

She didn't really understand the way she was reacting to meeting her supposed nemesis. She should be out of control, right? Hysterical, insane, sick. But she wasn't. Meeting that woman, the woman she had seen Jack with on that party – she was now realizing – was sort of liberating. It was almost a free pass, the ultimate reason she would use to get rid of Jack and turn to Sawyer.

Despite that, she couldn't avoid thinking about the reason Sawyer had done this. It couldn't be simply for her good, for her knowledge. He had to get something out of it, she was sure of that. She knew he was manipulative, and she loved it. She wouldn't have to pretend with him, they could manipulate each other to exhaustion and then, maybe, they'd get tired of it. Manipulation didn't usually scare her, but it did now, because she couldn't see the point in it. What did Sawyer have to win with that strange encounter? What could he possibly want with it?

"He's right. We should talk." Ana said this coldly, making Kate realize that she wasn't usually as fragile as Kate had seen her a couple of moments before. She was really a tough, brave woman, one to let herself break down very few times. Ana was clearly a go-getter, determined and smart. A perfect cop, Kate thought with a shiver.

"Okay." Kate managed to say, in a low, slightly scared voice. What if she was still in the force? What if Sawyer was a bounty hunter instead of a conman? It could happen, he could use his charm to make her fall in love with him and then lead her to the FBI, just for the money. He would certainly be capable of that. And she would certainly fall for that.

"Can I talk to you, just for a second?" Sawyer pushed Kate aside and her back hit the wall that separated the garden from the street. She was trapped inside his arms and for the first time, she wasn't comfortable with that.

"What do you want?" she asked coldly, making both of them shiver.

"Talk to her, Freckles. She might be able to help you get rid of that husband of yours." Kate smiled ironically.

"I'm sure that's all you want, right? Come on, admit it, you're having fun with it." Sawyer looked away.

"You think I'm doin' this for fun? Unbelievable!" Stepping back and leaving Kate free to escape, Sawyer turned around and placed his hands on his hips, a typical sign that he was angry. Kate was almost sorry for talking to him like that, but then again, he wasn't sorry for putting her in that position. He wasn't sorry for her feelings, for the fear that was invading her like a headache, coming from the small of her back to the back of her neck, making her arms and legs freeze and her stomach drop to her feet.

"Why else? Tell me, Sawyer, because from where I see it, I can only imagine you doing this for two reasons: you're either trying to con me, or you're a bounty hunter wanting to put me in jail." Kate said all this in just one breath, her face red with anger and her eyes filled with tears "Which one is it, Sawyer? What's your endgame?"

"I'm not conning you, Kate. And I'm not trying to give you in either." He said, simply, looking at her. Realizing she was being paranoid, Kate felt more ashamed than she had ever felt. However, she decided not to apologize. She was too mad at him for forcing her to face her demons and ghosts, for making her want to ask Ana Lucia if she had any idea of why he'd done it, what was she doing wrong to make Jack need to find another woman.

"It becomes a little hard to believe, you know?" she stated, shrugging. "I don't know how far I can let myself go with you, Sawyer." She looked up at his eyes, feeling herself shaking. "It's just... every time I feel like this can work, like we're really good together, something happens. And you always seem to have fun with it." Kate walked past Sawyer, leaving him behind her, until she reached Ana Lucia.

Sawyer stood there, watching as both women moved into the park, and sighed, turning his back on them and making his way back to his car.

Kate and Ana Lucia were sitting in a bench, both of them looking forward, too embarrassed to start talking. Kate could feel the spacey form that Ana assumed, with her masculine pose, that made her feel slightly more comfortable. Kate decided to start herself the conversation, asking the question that had been burning her tongue ever since she had found out about Jack's affair.

"How did it start?"

Ana smiled a little at the question, but just a very tiny bit. It wasn't in herself to smile a lot; she had known it ever since she was a little girl. She was a naturally serious child, a slightly violent tomboy that always got in trouble at school. Her life didn't exactly contribute to make her smile a lot, either. She had graduated and entered the force to make her mother happy, but the issues were still there. She still had authority problems; she was constantly provocating her mother and getting punished for that. She still wanted to be as good as her mother was, without realizing she was probably better. And the rest was history.

"It started... almost a year ago, I got shot." Kate tried to cut Ana off, but she didn't allow it. "Don't. Let me tell it all, and then you say... whatever you wanna say."

Kate nodded and Ana took a deep breath, preparing to disclose more of her life that she had ever thought she would.

"As I said... almost a year ago, I took a bullet in my stomach. Jack was the one who saved my life, but he wasn't able to save the... baby I was carrying. I was pregnant. Little after Jack took care of me, my boyfriend broke up with me." Ana was telling this in a detached way, as if she wasn't telling her own story, but the story of somebody else that she hadn't even met. "I had a check up that day, and Jack saw I was down, so he asked me if I wanted to have a coffee. We went out for a coffee and talked for a while. He did most of the talking. He talked about you. About your daughter, about your life. He made me jealous as hell." She smiled a little and, once again, Kate had the feeling she was smiling more that day than she had most of her life. "Yeah. He was very proud of his family."

"I didn't think so." Kate admitted, looking down at her hands. Ana didn't contradict her, but continued her story.

"Jack and I started to meet each other more often, and we got closer and closer. And then it happened. About six months ago. We had lunch together and ended up in my bed." Ana said this with a finishing tone. The story was over, but Kate wasn't satisfied.

"Six months, huh? I guess I'm blinder than I thought." Kate said with a sad smile. no matter how hard she tried to remember, there wasn't anything that could have revealed Jack's involvement with Ana. He was good at hiding evidence. But it didn't matter, then. Jack was a dead subject, she was more interested in another person's knowledge "Did Sawyer know about this all along?"

"No, he found out yesterday. He was telling me about you and I realized he was talking about Jack's wife, and told him." Ana sighed and Kate pressed her back against the bench, feeling the cold metal through her shirt "I don't want you to tell him."

"Tell him what?" Kate asked. Ana stared at her coldly, almost threateningly.

"That you met me." She paused and then added, a second later. "I'm serious."

"Why would I do it?" Kate managed to ask this, while shivering. The look Ana Lucia had given her was not the same as before. It wasn't the look of a passionate woman, nor the look of a tomboy. It was the look of a cop. And for Kate, there wasn't anything more frightening.

"I don't know. You could. But don't." Ana stood silent for a moment, as if she was hesitant about asking something. "Are you gonna leave him? Jack?"

Kate wasn't surprised by the question, she had been expecting it.

"I want to."

"But are you going to?" Ana asked again. "'Cause I can help you."

"How's that?"

"I want him. I want Jack to myself, I don't wanna share him." Kate looked at Ana when she said that, surprised. It was amazing to see how a cold woman like Ana could metamorphose into a desperate lover, as she was appearing to Kate in that moment. She was shinning, glimmering with the warm light of July in her face, while she admitted she wanted a man just to herself. It wasn't just the realization of their romance, it was also the realization of how much Ana wanted Jack, how jealous she was of the life he had with Kate and how in love with him she was. Because she was in love with him, there was no way to deny it.

"How can you help me?" Kate asked, her voice caught in her throat with the emotion. Ana's eyes were wet, but she didn't let the tears down. She cleared her throat and sunk her hands inside her pockets, the same gesture Sawyer had had the day before.

"I can convince him to let you take your child, so you won't have to fight for her in court. Sawyer told me it was what was holding you back. I can make him give the girl up." Kate didn't believe her ears for a moment, so she didn't say anything.

"What? You think you can make him give up our daughter?" Ana nodded, and Kate smiled.

"No, you can't. I wish you could, but you can't, he's too stubborn."

"Not with me." Ana paused, as if she was afraid to say what was next. "He's in love with me too, you know?"

Kate smiled and recalled that night, at the party, when she had seen the two of them together. The raw chemistry that she had felt between them, the way he held her against the wall when he was having his way with her. Of course he was in love with her, she had known it since that night.

"Yeah, I do." Kate sighed and smiled a little, a sad smile directed at her hands, crossed and sitting on her lap. "I saw you two having sex, the night of the party at the Cohens." Ana blushed a little, unexpectedly, but didn't retreat. She regained her composure, as if proud of the fact that Kate had seen them together. "I was so jealous of you two. You have something Jack and I can never have: chemistry. The kind of chemistry I have with Sawyer, you have it with Jack, that rough way to see him, to touch him. I realized that when I saw the two of you having sex that day. The way he held you, the way he was moving. He never moved that way with me. " Kate smiled a little and blushed herself, looking away in order to hide her face.

"It's always been like that, since the first time." Ana said, now smiling widely, like a girl. Kate couldn't be more surprised. "The need, the heat. It's always like that. it's like... We need to be together, close, touching."

"I know the feeling." Kate admitted, smiling as widely as Ana.

"Sawyer?"

"Yeah. It's like... we can't help touching each other. It's... natural."

"I know." Ana said, simply. In that precise moment, Kate felt more connected with Ana than she had ever felt with Shannon or Claire. She knew what it was like, needing someone to the point when it hurts. She didn't think she was a freak for aching for Sawyer's touch, because she felt it too. She understood Kate and Kate understood her.

Kate got out of the park alone, almost an hour after Ana Lucia. She wanted to be alone for a while, think about the repercussions of what Ana had just told her. Of how Ana could help her.

She was also thinking of how Ana had changed her opinion on Jack, just in that small talk they had. Kate had a feeling that she wouldn't be able to hate him anymore, now that she knew that side of him, the Jack only Ana Lucia knew. The passionate, rough Jack she had never gotten around to meet. And slowly, very slowly, a realization downed on her: when Jack had had the accident, she had prayed for him to get better, for him to heal. She was now realizing that the reason she had done it wasn't just because she wanted to leave him. There was something more, something deeper, that didn't allow her to let go of her husband.

Jack was her husband, and Kate had built her life in the past five years, counting on him. And even though that life was now falling apart, there was still a thin thread, a fragile liaison that still connected the two of them, if not for Ella, for the life they had shared. She didn't want to be a widow, and she wasn't sure if this repulse was due to her inability to let go of the dead people in her life, or the fact that she didn't want to be seen as a young, fragile widow, those who need help and support. The image of herself, standing beside a grave in a black dress scared her to her deepest core, and her fear wasn't something she could deal with easily.

Thinking of the accident, Christian and his protective attitude came to her mind. She now understood, with a smile spreading on her face, why he had wanted her to wait for Jack in the room, why he had wanted to keep her safe. He was, certainly, afraid that she would see Ana Lucia passing by in a gurney and put two and two together, realizing her husband was not alone in the crash. Kate was still trying to comprehend, however, if Christian had wanted to protect her or himself, his and his son's reputations.

In spite of all this, Kate was hopeful, which was practically a new feeling for her. She thought that with Ana's help, Jack could actually give up the girl and that she could get away with her, leave Boston and go somewhere else. Maybe the south; she had always wanted to live in those southern states, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee. Sawyer was from Tennessee, he had told her that. Most of all, it was the feeling of a possible new life that came upon her. With Jack out of her way, she could do whatever she wanted to, go wherever she wanted to. She could start over, rewrite her life away from Boston, with Ella and Sawyer and…

Sawyer. That thought made her shiver, and opened a tiny smile on her face. She was planning her life with him, which was a scary thought, since she wasn't even sure of what he was, or how he was. He could be conning her, getting ready to give her in or even just wanting to sleep with her and then leave. But still, she couldn't conceive her life without him, even if all she could have was a bunch of sporadic encounters filled with unsatisfied sexual innuendos. He was the one who made her change, so he had to be a part of her new life. he wouldn't be just a part of the recovering process, he was a part of the result.

Still, this thought scared her. She didn't want to get involved; she didn't want to give in. For all she knew, she couldn't exactly trust him, so it was a scary perspective, having him be a part of her life, of her real life.

And then, at the bottom of the issue, was Ana Lucia. Kate had the perspective of a new friendship, and if not friendship, an alliance, in order to accomplish something, that gave her that feeling of hope, of renewal. She could finally believe everything was going to be okay, or at least leave the compass she was in, the limbo that wasn't either a divorce or a marriage. Ana had the power to change everything, to turn Jack's head around and make everything easier.

Walking slowly out of the park, her hands sunk in her pockets and her hair waving freely with the eastern wind, Kate didn't notice Sawyer's presence until he was right beside her, almost breathing on her neck.

"Hey there, Freckles." He said huskily, his mouth touching her ear slightly. She pulled away from him quickly, trying to put some much needed distance between them.

"Leave me alone." She mumbled, trying to walk away. She had a defensive pose on, like she was trying to run away.

Sawyer looked at her eyes, and for the first time, he saw her really scared. He compared her, in that moment, to a caged animal: not quite sure of what had happened, but still not ready to make a definitive move. Her eyes were fleeing from one place to another, as if she was trying to look for an exit, somewhere safe, where she could run to. He saw she was _scared_, in the real meaning of the word, and it wasn't something he could avoid. That fear would always be there, because it was a part of her, it was something he would have to live with. But right in that moment, it was scaring him too. More, it was slightly offensive.

"Why would I leave?" he asked bitterly, taking a step forward. He couldn't be away from her, he didn't want to. He had the distinct feeling that perhaps he could heal her, make that fear disappear, and at the same time, he knew he couldn't, it wasn't up to him.

Kate looked at Sawyer and saw his face rigid with pain, the pain that he wouldn't admit to himself that he was feeling.

"Because I want you to." She said, trying to turn her back on him. Sawyer saw this as an attempt of escape, and in a second, he jumped to her and grabbed her arm, their bodies colliding and their faces so close they were almost touching. Sawyer could feel her jagged breath on his face, the mint-y scent of her mouth.

"Oh yeah? And why's that?" Kate answered this question with a steel look, their eyes crossed and their hopes up.

"Because I don't trust you." She looked away before she continued, breaking their connection. "Because I can't trust you." She paused again, taking a deep, shaken breath. "Because I'm scared."

"Oh really? And what'ya scared of, sweetheart? Ya scared of me? Ya scared of the big bad wolf? Or are you scared of that husband of yours?" starting to get irritated at an unresponsive Kate, Sawyer's voice got lower, his accent thicker than ever. He was almost spitting out the words, trying to hurt her as much as she was hurting him in that moment. "Wanna know what I think? I think you're scared of leaving that pretty life you've been leading, that cosy home of yours in the suburbs, and come live in the real world with me. Yeah, Freckles, you're scared of losing the comfort you've been putting together, but guess what? You might just have to."

"Let go of me." She hissed, trying to free herself from Sawyer's strong grip. Ignoring her words, he kept going.

"You're not scared of me; you're not scared of him! You're scared of yourself, you're scared of what you become when you're with me, when you let go of that sht you hold on to when you're playing house with the doc." They were so close that if one of them made a move, they would touch.

It was certainly an interesting picture for someone who was passing by: his gripping hand was hidden, so their closeness could easily be mistaken for plain and loving intimacy, like in a Doisneau picture, the couple leaning into each other.

"Let go of me." She pleaded once more, and her eyes crossed with his one more time. This time, though, she held his gaze.

"And what now? You wanna know the truth? I'll tell you the truth, Kate. Yes, I was supposed to be conning you. Our first meeting wasn't an accident, I was meant to meet you and make you fall in love with me. And guess what? I did!" With these words, he let go of her arm, and she slowly pulled away, not really trusting her legs.

She was stunned for the second time that day. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, even though she was prepared for that, and she had been telling herself that it was a possibility for weeks. Still, it was unexpected, uncanny and most of all, completely heartbreaking. So it was true. He was conning her after all.

"I guess I just didn't expect to fall for you either."

Second bang, this one even stronger, if possible. He had fallen for her. Damn, it wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to con her and then become some sort of a bad guy, an ugly traitor with no possibility of redemption. But no, he had to make it all difficult, right?

"You were conning me." it was all she could say.

"Well, not anymore."

"How could you?" she mumbled, taking a step back. She didn't want to be anywhere near him.

"I didn't, Kate." He took a step forward, getting closer to her, but she took another step back. "I stopped it. I didn't wanna con you."

"I don't care. You were lying all this time…" her eyes were filled with tears, not out of sadness, but out of something else, rage and despair, all together, making her world fall apart. Tom had betrayed her. Jack had betrayed her. Sawyer had betrayed her. It would never stop.

"Don't act like you're a saint either, girly. I don't exactly have _murder_ on my record." He spit this out, and Kate felt her legs go limp. Placing a hand on a wooden bench for balance, she tried to focus her eyes, unsuccessfully. "Yeah, Ana Lucia was a cop, remember? But don't worry, sweet cheeks. She won't tell anybody. Her record isn't exactly clean either."

"Don't." She mumbled. "Don't you dare."

Kate looked at Sawyer one more time and started running in the opposite direction, all the way to her car, her feet barely touching the floor beneath them.


	20. Chapter 20

_Here's another chapter for you all! and i really like to see some new readers coming along! you guys are awesome with your reviews, seriously! and this chapter was beta-ed again by **Kayla**, and is dedicated to **Marta** (Lua on LF) for her birthday. :)_

_Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support, people._

**Chapter 20**

It had been a week. A week since her world had fallen apart, a week since Sawyer had told her that he was conning her, confirming her deepest fears, betraying her trust in a way that she wasn't sure she could forgive. A week since he had told her that _he knew_. A week since she had ran away from him, a week since the last time she had heard his voice or said his name out loud.

Truth was, she could hardly remember what had happened that week. It was almost as if she was in a limbo, foggy air surrounding her and a feeling that none of that was real were the only things she could get from her memory. Jack had taken Ella with him on a trip to Margo's house in Richmond, Virginia, and Kate had been left alone the day after the incident. With that, she didn't exactly had a schedule to follow.

That dreadful afternoon, Kate had picked up Ella from kindergarten and the girl had noticed something was wrong. Kate wasn't crying, she hadn't cried yet, so she was surprised with the girl's ability to read into her thoughts, her mind. But now that she looked back on it, recalling her shaking hands and her terrified look, it was normal for her daughter to notice something was off.

Kate had driven home as fast as she could, avoiding the increasing traffic and a couple of red lights. Giving Ella a bath, and getting the girl to eat some dinner before Jack arrived, Kate put her baby to sleep much earlier than usual, and much against the girl's will. Ella had cried and made a scene, but Kate hadn't succumbed to the girl's pleads. She had to put the girl to bed, she couldn't allow herself to break down in front of her. So, as soon as Ella fell asleep, and knowing Jack wouldn't be home before ten, Kate got herself a big glass of vodka and headed over to the bathroom, in order to prepare a bath.

She did it with a calm that surprised her frantic self. Opened up the water, let it run and fill the tub. Put in the ointments she needed to relax. Got out of her clothes, slowly, avoiding the mirror with her eyes, afraid she could want to hurt herself if she saw the flesh she was made of. It was still too blurry, too confusing. She had no idea of what to do next, so she sat on the floor, just beside the tub, her naked thighs hitting the cold floor and making her shiver. Sinking her hand in the water, she found it too hot, unbearably hot. Still, she didn't move. It was hurting her, it was burning her flesh and skin, but she was feeling more alive in those moments than she had felt since he had said the words.

Kate's face constricted as she thought of the exact words. _I was conning you_. It was too much, it was irreversible. He was conning her. Even if he wasn't anymore, he had been. It was a lie. _They_ were a lie.

She didn't realize she wasn't breathing until she felt herself shake. Her face was now rigid, stuck in a sob that was to big to come out. It was all too big, all to new for her. She had gotten used to him, to his humor, to his attention. She had gotten used to herself with him, even though it scared her at first, because it was a bit too much of herself, of her old persona. The sob was too big to come out and she kept shaking, her hand still burning beneath the almost boiling water of the tub, and her thighs absorbing the coldness from the marble ground.

Kate relaxed when she heard a muffled sigh coming out of her own mouth, and allowed herself to cry. The tears kept running down her face and sadly enough, she didn't want them to stop running. They were strangely liberating, with all that mess. It was almost as if she could get rid of him, of his memory, of his hands, of his smile and his dimples, just by watering him out of her system. And even though she knew it was a false hope, that it wouldn' be that easy, she didn't feel like stopping. In between sobs, she managed to take a few gulps of the fiery drink she had wisely placed beside her on the floor. The vodka shook her up and made her feel alive again, but she couldn't decide whether it was dragging her out of the emotional comatose state she was in, or if was making her drown even deeper in her despair.

For a moment, Kate wondered why she hadn't felt that way when she realized Jack had betrayed her. It was worse, wasn't it? Jack had put a five-year marriage to waste because of another woman, Jack had destroyed what they had built together, and still, she hadn't found herself in that kind of despair when she realized she was being betrayed. Of course, the answer to her own question came back to her and hit her like a punch on the stomach. She wasn't in love with Jack anymore, when she found out about his affair with Ana. She wasn't attached to him in any other way than legal. She didn't want him back, she didn't want to be with him. She wanted to leave him, there was no more 'Jack and Susan'. It was over before she had found about his betrayal.

With a deeper sob, and a soft cry, Kate revived in her mind the exact moment it was over: it was inside that restaurant bathroom, where she had met Sawyer for the second time. It was the realization that he could understand her more, in just two meetings, that Jack could have in a life time. It was the realization, with that name joke, that they were equals, they were both pretending to be something they were not.

Sadly enough, that memory had a bitter taste in the light of the recent discoveries. Kate tried to wander through the other memories she had from the times with him: the first coffee in Starbucks, the vanilla latte and the tulips; the days at the Cape. They seemed to be corrupted, all of them. It was a lie, a con, a strategy to get to Jack's money, and that was what hurt her even more: she wasn't the primary object, it was Jack. _Jack_ was Sawyer's mark, not her. She was just a pawn, caught up in an emotional chess game that was meant to involve her husband and the man she was in love with.

Taking another sip from the glass, Kate thought about that word, while the tears stopped for a while. _Pawn_. It was the worst thing she could be, and she couldn't just sit and watch, could she? Well, she had no other choice. Apparently, the con was already off, and she didn't have to do anything about it. But still, it was no less than humiliating. She had been a vehicle, a means to an end at some point on this story, and that was more humiliating than anything she could have ever gone through.

Almost an hour later, Kate was still in the same position as before, her chin placed on the side of the tub, her legs on the ground and the empty glass of vodka in her hand. The tears were back on her face, but this time, she was calm, almost as if drugged. In fact, she was half drunk, but that was a mere accident. The truth was she was torn apart, her mind shed to pieces and her heart broken. She smiled a bit at the corniness of this image, and figured she wouldn't have that thought cross her mind if she wasn't drunk.

She was exhausted. She had been crying for over an hour, her head was pounding with a gigantic headache and her arms and legs were limp, not exactly obeying her. Making one last effort, in order to avoid a bigger mess in that night, Kate got up from the floor, emptied the tub and poured some cold water over her burnt arm. It wasn't as bad as she thought it would be, but it was still red and stinging a little. Putting on her shorts and a tank top she was using to sleep in, Kate got down the stairs and went to the kitchen, leaving Jack a small note. "I have a gigantic headache. Gonna take a pill and go to sleep. You have dinner in the refrigerator."

It was all. Leaving the note on the kitchen counter, Kate slowly went up the stairs and crashed on her bed before even pulling back the sheets.

The days that had followed the infamous afternoon were still somewhat of a blur to Kate. She could remember having a headache when she put Ella in the car with Jack (much against the girl's will), and kissing the girl goodbye in the spot between her eyes. Ella had clung to her hand until the car started moving and Kate felt even sadder when she say the SUV turning the corner that led them to the outside world.

The four days after that moment were a blur. Kate couldn't sleep, so she wandered around the house, wearing a robe on top of her pajamas, sitting in the kitchen chairs and staring at nowhere. She didn't eat, she couldn't bring herself to. She would drink water, glasses and glasses, one after the other, when she was sitting in the dark. She would drink vodka, her new favourite company. It made her forget about the betrayal and recall the sweet taste of alcohol she was always able to find in Sawyer's mouth. And if, by any chance, it managed to make her sadder, all she did was stare a bit more into the emptiness of her white walls and cry a little more. Because that was something she could do. She could cry.

He tried to call her, once, twice. She had never picked up the calls, and he hadn't left any messages, so she didn't have his voice to cling to. It was almost as if he was dead. She wanted to absorb each and any piece of him that could have survived around her, but it was still too sad for her to bear.

On the third day, she thought about calling Shannon. She was her best friend, after all. But Kate was also sure she would say the inevitable 'I told you so' that she was dreading to hear. It was quite obvious, of course it would be her reaction.

On the fourth day, Kate wasn't feeling anything. She had the feeling she had been drunk for days, and wasn't she? Better, wasn't it what _he_ would have done? Gotten drunk? Her third night without sleep had made her dizzy and foggy, and all she could remember was seeing the faint light of the sunset invading her eyes and then, it was blackness.

Kate woke up on the fifth afternoon, in her own bed, from a healing sleep. She was in her own bed, but strangely enough, she didn't recall falling asleep there. Truth be told, she didn't recall falling asleep anywhere, all she could remember was the blurry sunset that seemed to have happened ages before.

Her head was pounding with a disgraceful headache, and as she slowly opened her eyes for the second time, the feeling of two arms carrying her upstairs came to her mind. She had been carried to the bedroom, but by whom?

Slowly raising herself from the bed, all her weight placed in her arms, she managed to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen, where she found no one. When she listened more carefully, though, she heard the television, and the thought that maybe Shannon had taken care of her came up to her mind, making her heart warm. Walking to the small room that completed the kitchen, and where the television was set, Kate almost fell back with surprise. Ana Lucia was sitting on her couch, eating Doritos and watching some sleazy talk show.

"Oh." Kate said quietly, and Ana turned her eyes from the tv set to Kate, startled. Swallowing the Doritos she had in her mouth, she got up on her bare feet and looked at the woman she had in front of her. Kate was a total mess, her hair dirty, her clothes even dirtier and her face swollen from all the crying.

"You're awake." Ana stated, looking away from Kate, her usual tomboy impersonation back in full force. She wasn't smiling, not even a bit.

"So it seems." Kate turned around and opened the fridge, taking out the milk and smelling it, realizing it was spoiled. With a shrug, she poured the liquid down the drain and placed the bottle in the corner. Ana was still in the same place, her pointy look directed at the garden and her usual 'hand on hip' pose. "I'm sorry but... did you..." Kate pointed to the stairs, and Ana nodded.

"You were practically in a coma. I had to drag you. And drunk, too." A hint of a smile played on Ana's lips, but she turned away from Kate before she could see anything.

"Yeah, but how..."

"Sawyer called me, he was worried." Ana had now turned her back on Kate, and was looking at the garden, through the glass doors. Still, Kate could feel a trace of tenderness in Ana's voice when she talked about Sawyer. She did like him, but not as a lover. Kate was sure of that because of the way she loved Jack.

"Worried?" Kate said, smiling ironically. Ana looked over her shoulder, and her eyes hit Kate's.

"Yeah, worried. As in scared that you could have done... something. To yourself." Ana paused and sighed. "You know what I mean." She sighed a second time, an exhausted sigh that was about to pair Kate's.

"Worried." Kate said, simply. It wasn't a question. It was more of a calm statement. A realization.

"He called me and asked me if I knew if you and Jack were out of town. I said I knew you had stayed, and he'd taken the girl to Virginia. And then he asked me to come check up on you." Ana smiled, a small and sly smile that was nothing but pure fun. "And here you were. Passed out, drunk."

"Yeah. How did you open the door, again?" Ana's smile disappeared with Kate's question.

"I was a cop, once. They teach us how to do that kind of stuff." Kate turned around, comforted by that presence in her house. Putting her hair up in a loose bun, Kate took some cheese out of the refrigerator and ate it quickly. Ana picked up her Doritos from the couch and sat on one of the table chairs, eating the snacks quietly, as if giving Kate some time to adjust and then come meet her.

Ana wasn't talkative, but Sawyer had begged her to get something from Kate, some kind of clue that would make him hope for her to return. Kate was aware of this possibility, but still, walked all the way to the table and sat down on one of the chairs, in front of Ana. They weren't looking at each other: instead, they were facing the table, a strange tension building up between the two of them. Kate was the wife, Ana was the lover. Ana was the friend, Kate was the love interest. They were both implied in each other's lives in such a level, that it had became awkward to sit like that, in the Shephard's kitchen.

"So, what do you wanna know?" Ana asked softly. Kate looked up at her and knew, by her expression, that she wouldn't dare to lie. She was there with her to make things right, to clean up their mess. The mess Sawyer and Kate had done, together.

"How is he?" it was all Kate could bring herself to ask. Ana looked up at her, surprised. It wasn't quite the question she was expecting Kate to ask, which made her smile a little.

"How do you think?" Kate looked down at her hands and Ana studied her face for a second. Of course she knew how he was, she just wanted a confirmation that he was feeling as terrible as she was. Still, and deep down, she could see something bigger, sort of a fear, coming out of Kate's hands, of her right hand, slowly embracing the mug of tea Ana had made. Yes, it was fear. A primal and irrational fear that Sawyer would be, somehow, laughing at her, mocking her. That he was, in some twisted way, having fun with the whole situation. Ana could read into people very well, it was one of her gifts, and the talent was revealing itself very helpful when it came to cons and such. She always had the upper hand on every play. "I dragged him to his house, drunk, two nights in a row."

Kate sighed and looked away, covering her mouth with her hand distractedly. Ana looked up to see her reaction and continued. "He was in panic when you didn't answer his calls, he thought you could have killed yourself."

"Quite presumptuous of him." Kate breathed, with a smile.

"Listen... Susan..." Ana smiled, a little embarrassed. "I'm not sure of what to call you."

"Call me Kate." She said, simply. It was nothing big. Ana knew who she was, so there was no point in having her call her Susan anymore.

"Kate." She said, calmly. "He's turned into a piece of crap. Seriously, I've never seen him like that and I've known him for a couple of years."

As Kate looked up, Ana realized she wouldn't say anything.

"Kate, you gotta do something about. What you're doing is pure cruelty. You gotta talk to him." Ana said, simply. Kate looked up at her, a silent rage burning up inside. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"_I'm_ being cruel? I'm not the one who conned him. I'm not the one who tried to make me fall in love with him for my husband's money." She said, tears starting to fill her eyes as her headache reached a peak.

"You were the one who hid your true identity from him." Ana said, calmly.

"You think I know a lot about his past? I don't I don't know why he carries around that letter everywhere he goes. I don't know anything about him!" she paused for a second, trying to regain the composure she was almost losing. "I didn't lie to him."

"Well, then, I guess you're right. He did all that. But you gotta give him credit for somethin': he stopped it. He stopped everything as soon as he saw you weren't just another notch in his belt." Ana said in a funny voice. It was almost as if the sentimentalism from that sentence didn't suit her, as if she was surprised with the tone of her own voice when she had said it. "Hell, I told him he was crazy. I told him he couldn't give up a con because he was falling for the girl, I told him he was being weak. And even though it must have hurt his pride like crazy, he called it off. He did it, without hesitating. That even got him in trouble with a guy he's working with, the guy who found you."

Kate was hearing all this and feeling more and more ashamed. In all that selfish rage that had filled her since he'd told her, she had never thought about how it had been for him, what he had to do in order to stop the con. She wasn't sorry that she hated him, she was sorry that she wasn't selfless enough to think about his side of the deal, and what he had to do in order to call off his job.

Ana raised herself from the chair and walked over to the place where she had left her shoes, a pair of black combat boots. Putting them on, she looked over at Kate with a smile and picked her cell phone up from the counter.

"He loves you, Kate. And God knows how much I hate this hearing this word coming out of my mouth, but there's no other way of saying it. He _loves_ you." Kate looked at her own hands and smiled a little, her first real smile since _the incident_. Ana was getting ready to walk out of the door as Kate called her back.

"Yeah?" she asked, her face growing curious.

"Jack loves you. And God knows how corny I think this sounds, but there's no other way of saying it."

Both women smiled, and Kate covered her smile with her hands as soon as she heard Ana closing the door.

Three days had passed since Ana Lucia's visit, and Kate still hadn't called Sawyer.

After the conversation with Ana Lucia, Kate had realized she could forgive him. in fact, thinking back to the moment Ana had left her house, Kate realized she had already forgiven him before that conversation. It wasn't in her heart to me bad at him for long, it was more than she could bear. But still, she hadn't called him.

The reason for this was very simple: her pride. She didn't want to be the one to give in, and she had the distinct feeling that Sawyer wouldn't want to cave either, so it was more of a power play than anything else. And she was still mad at him. She was in the dark territory of the 'forgiven, not forgotten', and the perspective of seeing him had both an soothing and unnerving effect on her. She didn't know whether she would kiss him to oblivion or punch him until she drew blood from his face.

Jack and Ella had just arrived with Margo from their week out, and were resting on the garden, while Kate made them dinner. When she had seen her mother, Ella had jumped to her arms and cried, making Kate worry about her. What had happened? Had Jack done anything with the girl? Suddenly, the dream she had when she was in the hospital with Jack came to her mind, and she shivered, holding the girl closer to her body.

They stood like that for a long time, Ella and Kate. They were sitting on the kitchen counter, and Ella was holding onto Kate like a sloth, with arms and legs, her face against Kate's neck. Kate's hands roamed over the girl's back, drawing circles and squares of pure sweetness. They were supporting each other, right there. Without saying a word, Ella was comforting her mother for the horrible days she had had without her, and Kate was giving her baby that feeling of cosyness she had missed in the week she had spent away.

Sawyer didn't look so bad, now that she was holding her daughter. Kate realized that a great part of her misery that week was related to Ella's absence, which made her feelings towards Sawyer soften just a bit more.

Ella raised her head from her mother's neck and looked at her in the eye, her little hand pushing the hair away from her face. Her eyes were green, just as Kate's, and she saw no resemblance of Jack in them, which was comforting.

"Are you mad at John Smith?" the girl asked, almost like reading her mother's thoughts. Kate looked at her, surprised, and kissed the girl in the spot between her eyes, as it was her habit.

"I'm not sure there is a John Smith anymore, honey." The girl put up an inquisitive face, and smiled a bit.

"Of course there is! I saw him outside, when we were coming home!" she said joyfully. Kate's heart dropped to her feet as she realized the girl wsn't kidding. Ella looked pleased, as if she had just given her mother a gift, and hopped down from Kate's lap, holding her little hand for her mother to hold. "Come with me, I'll show you!"

Ella dragged Kate to the door and pointed out at a vacant parking space two houses from theirs.

"She was there. He has a blue car." She said, jumping around, happily. She was more than glad to be her mother's little clown.

Kate stared at the empty space and smiled a bit, holding Ella's hand. He had been there, he was there, maybe trying to gain the courage to speak to her, maybe just there to see how she was. But he had come all the way down there, just for her. It was more than she had done for him, certainly.

Feeling a little bit warmer, Kate moved inside the house with Ella's hand firmly pressed inside her own, and the feeling that in a while, all she would have was her daughter and her lover.

Kate had just put Ella to bed, singing her the usual song, when she heard Jack's office door close. Jack was there with Margo, and as soon as she heard the key roll on the lock, she knew they were talking about her.

It was almost a physical feeling: the coldness in the pit of her stomach, the dark feeling that everything was about to change. She had only felt it once in her life, and it had been when she was breaking the gas container in her mother's house, which led to Wayne's death. Kate stopped in the middle of the corridor, her hands cold and her eyes unable to leave the office door. Walking slowly towards that door, Kate stopped near it and placed her head just beside the door, being able to hear what was going on inside the cabinet. She could hear, by her voice, that Margo was mad about something, and Jack was trying to defend himself.

"How could you be so stupid? How could you?" the woman asked in a mad voice.

"Give me that!" Margo seemed to have taken something out of Jack's hands, because Kate heard him taking a step probably forward, in order to get it back.

"You think she did it on purpose?" he asked his mother.

"What do you think?" Margo's voice was cold. "Your lover's ring shows up in the middle of your kitchen and you expect it to be an accident? Tell me something: is there any possibility that you might have brought it in your pockets, or something?"

"No, not at all." Jack said, calmly. Margo seemed to be thinking, and Kate's body was getting rigid from being in the same position for such a long time.

"Then she was here. Susan must know you're betraying her, I bet she's gonna file for divorce right this week." Margo said, her voice still cold. Jack seemed to be undecided about what to think.

"Maybe it's better this way, anyway." Kate heard a slap following Jack's voice, and was surprised with the silence that followed it.

"Think twice. You're not getting divorced, Jack. Have you got any idea of what that would do to your reputation?"

"You don't get to hit me anymore, mom." He said calmly, and Kate thought she had to leave. They could come out at any time, and it would be her death to be caught.

Slowly walking down the stairs, Kate arrived at the kitchen and took a deep breath. The practical, fast thinking Kate that came up in emergencies was coming out of her, an she planned her next moves carefully, as if she was preparing a crime, where nothing could fail.

She had to call Shannon. It would hurt, but her friend had to come and get Ella, she had to take the girl. Kate was sure there was going to be a confrontation that night, and her daughter couldn't be in the house for that. She didn't want her to watch her parents fighting, as Kate had. Jack would have to take Margo to town, and she could take that time to get Ella out of the house. Then she would already be expecting him, ready for the confrontation.

Picking up the phone from the counter, she hit the numbers she knew by heart and waited for the call to be picked up. It took a while, but Shannon picked up the call after all.

"Hello." She probably hadn't seen it was Kate, so her voice was dry and arrogant, as she used to be with strangers. Kate smiled. She missed Shannon's voice, she missed her friend's joyful being and her wonderful energy.

"Shann? It's Susan... Kate." Shannon's voice changed immediately, and Kate noticed her softening up.

"Hey! How are you, we haven't spoke in ages!" Shannon saluted her as usual, but Kate didn't have any time to be polite.

"Shann, I need your help." Almost as if she was snapping, Shannon's voice became stronger and more serious.

"You need me to get Ella?" she asked quickly. Kate was terribly glad her friend could remember their conversation, as if that made them even.

"Yeah. This is gonna explode, I can feel it." She said in a low voice, knowing that Shannon would understand.

"Sht. Ok, I'm on my way there. I'll bring your girl with me, don't worry." Shannon said, and Kate was ready to hang up the phone when she heard her friend's voice calling her.

"Yeah?"

"I miss you... Kate. I really do." Kate felt like crying, but she didn't allow herself to.

"I miss you too, Shann." She hang up the phone and smiled, hearing Jack's voice closer to her. He was walking down the stairs with his mother, his car keys in his hand.

"Susie, I'm gonna drop my mom at her house, ok?" Kate was surprised by the sudden sweetness in his voice, but smiled and nodded, waving at her mother-in-law.

"Bye Margo. Thanks for the company." She said in her loveliest voice. She thought with relief that she wouldn't have to pretend for much longer. All she had to do was take care of things in the right way.

As soon as mother and son got out of the door, Kate climbed up the stairs up to Ella's room. She packed her small bag with some clothes and the girl's basic needs, and carried the bag with her downstairs, placing it in front of the door. Almost ten minutes had passed and Kate was starting to get restless. She felt herself grow an energy that wasn't good for her, wasn't good for her confrontation: it was the energy she had to run. And the urge to escape came with it, too. How easy would it be, to leave Ella upstairs and run all the way to Sawyer's house, just let herself fall in his arms?

She wouldn't do it. She couldn't run, not this time. She had to get that issue resolved, she had to talk to Jack. She had to tell him her name was not Susan, she had to tell him she knew. She knew about Ana.

Almost half hour after the call, Kate heard a car parking outside her house, and looking through the kitchen window, she saw it was Shannon's car. She ran to the door, and got there just in time to avoid Shannon's ringing. Opening the door, she didn't have time ti think before Shannon threw herself into her arms. Kate hugged her friend back, allowing herself to laugh and kiss Shannon's cheek.

"See how much I missed you, you btch?" Shannon asked, her usual naughty smile. Kate laughed, while guiding her up the stairs.

"I missed you too, whre." She said, and they made an effort not to laugh out loud.

Kate was so scared that she was laughing. It was a nervous, frantic laugh, almost apocalyptic. Walking into Ella's room, Kate picked up the sleeping figure of the girl and pulled her close to her own body. For all she knew, it could be the last time she held her daughter like that.

Shannon got downstairs quickly and took the girl's bag with her to the car. Opening the door to Kate's car, she moved the girl's chair to her own vehicle, helping Kate place the girl on the chair. Ella opened her eyes slowly, staring at Kate and Shannon, and then pouting.

"Mommy? What's going on?" she asked, her little voice threatening to break down in sobs.

"Nothing baby, nothing! You're going to sleep at Aunt Shannon's tonight, because mommy and daddy have to talk. I'll go get you tomorrow, ok?" the girl nodded and caressed Kate's face with her hand.

"I love you, mommy." She said, before closing her eyes and going back to sleep.

"I love you too, Ella."

Shannon got in the car and fastened the seat belt. She looked up at Kate with a smile.

"Don't worry about her, sweetie. She'll be ok. I won't let Jack anywhere near her." She said softly, placing her hand over Kate's. She was nervous, Kate could tell; she was afraid for her. Kate placed her other hand over Shannon's and smiled.

"I'll be ok." She assured, in the strongest voice she could find. "Now go. Jack can't see you here." Letting go of Shannon's hand, Kate walked inside and stopped on the hall, feeling the same urge to run that she had felt before. She could run, of course she could. It would be so much easier.

About ten minutes after Shannon left, Kate heard Jack's car in the driveway, and her stomach jumped. She stood still as she heard him stop the car and get out, and then walk slowly towards the house. When he opened the door, Kate was already waiting for him on the corridor, stiff and defiant.

"Hey." He said, closing the door behind him. She didn't move, she couldn't bring herself to. Both of them stood there for a while, quietly looking at each other, as if analyzing what they were both doing.

They knew it was over, that there was no way back. But still, Jack had never even thought about Kate betraying him, and Kate had never thought he'd felt so guilty. She was the first to talk.

"I know. Everything." He nodded and placed the car keys on the phone table.

"What do you know, Susan?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips, as if signaling an inrritation he wasn't yet feeling.

"About your affair." She suddenly recalled Ana's request for her to keep their encounter to themselves, so she didn't say what was next. "I want a divorce, Jack."

He laughed a bit, that mocking laughter Kate hated. He was patronizing her, as usual, and it was becoming a little too much to bear. "You really think it would be that easy?" he was clearly mocking her, and she had to fight the urge to walk up to him and show him the fighting skills she had never had a chance to display. "You really think I'd give you a divorce that easily? Come on, Susan. It's nothing big, for a man to have an affair. Many women live with that." he smiled as he said this, making Kate shiver.

"I'm not every other women. I want the divorce, and I wanna take Ella with me."

"Ella?" he laughed. "You really think I'd let you take my daughter? Susan, have you been drinking?"

"Your daughter? You don't even know her, Jack. You don't know how to take care of her, and she doesn't want to be with you!" Kate almost shouted this, taking two steps towards Jack and getting closer to him.

"Yeah? And who do you think the judge will believe? The adulterous mother or the model doctor?" he smiled "Yeah, 'cause an affair is something very easy to forge."

Kate looked at him, almost scared. He wasn't himself, he wasn't the Jack she had married.

"You're out of your mind, Jack." She was getting ready to leave Jack standing there and run over to Claire's house. Jack was really scaring her with his attitude. She couldn't have seen it coming even if she had wanted to. It was just not Jack. Where was the loving, tender Jack she had loved? This Jack was angry, unpredictable.

As she made a move to the door, Jack's hand caught her arm and held her close, his breath hitting her like a stone. He had been drinking. He had a dangerous glow in his eyes, like a werewolf that was about to turn from his human form into his animal self.

"You don't get to turn away from me, Susan." He said this in a low voice, almost a hiss, and Kate looked at him in the eye, more scared than she had ever been. If he was doing this to her, she wondered what she could have done to her daughter, with a sudden coldness taking over her stomach.

"You don't own me, you bstard." She spit the words out, and wasn't surprised when a forceful hand hit her face, making her fall to the ground. She covered her face with her hands and suddenly, like a car hitting her, Wayne's face came back to her mind. He was right there, hitting her and her mother, decorating their bodies with purple marks of his drunkenness.

Jack was not Jack anymore. He was Wayne, and all Kate knew about Wayne was that she had to fight him. So when Jack kneeled himself in front of her, ready to hit her again, she did nothing but kick him hard, making him bend over himself. Getting up on her feet again, she tried to run to the door a second time, but just like in the first, Jack got her arm and pressed her against the wall, his hands gripping her neck and stopping her breathing.

Kate thought she would die. She wasn't breathing, and she was starting to see some stars in front of her eyes, luring her into sleep, making the way softer for her. She could hear Ella's voice, and Sawyer's voice on the other side of the lights, and all she wanted to do was let herself go, let herself follow that light and finally meet the ones she wanted to meet.

With a thud, she felt herself go free of those hands, and allowed her knees to buckle, falling to the ground silently. She was breathing again, but her eyes were still closed. The muffled sounds of a fight were wandering in her head, but she heard them so far away that they didn't even bother to open her eyes.

It was only a few seconds later, when she realized there were two people fighting in front of her, that she opened her eyes, staring in shock at the scenery.

The two men were fighting, and her blurred vision only allowed her to see that one of them was on the floor, moaning and holding his stomach, while the other one got up on his feet and walked to her.

Kate curled up and tried to avoid the man's touch. She didn't know who he was, she couldn't see a thing. He could be Jack, trying to kill her again. But it wasn't. Kate felt herself relax when she felt the familiar lips on her temples, kissing softly, so it wouldn't hurt. But how could it possibly hurt? His lips would never hurt her.

Sawyer's arms took Kate's small body and held her close to his chest. She put her arms around his neck and sunk her head in his neck, the tears finally coming to her. He got up on his feet, and before he left, he poked Jack's belly with his shoe, making him look up.

"Don't mess with my girl again, Doc." He said coldly, and slowly walked out of the house, transporting a torn Kate in his arms, the two of them composing the picture of true gloriousness, in Kate's eyes. Just a man, carrying his woman. What else could she want?


	21. Chapter 21

So, here is the chapter! It took me a little longer than I expected, but it's better this way, since it will be the last chapter in a while: I'm going on vacation in the end of the week, and when I come back, I'll start classes immediately, so I won't have much time. I'll still try to update the week I come back, though.

Thank you so much for your reviews, everyone. None of this would be worth it if I didn't have your support, guys!

**Chapter 21**

Sawyer parked his car in front of his apartment and tried to make himself look at Kate for the first time since they had left her house, thirty minutes before. He hadn't been able to look at her since he started the car, and had found valuable excuses for that fact throughout the entire trip: he had to pay attention to the road and when he stopped at a red light, his attention was drawn to a black cat passing by, and seemed extremely interesting to his eyes. At the second red light, he decided to examine his right hand, bruised from his fight with Jack.

With all those excuses, he had found a way not to cross his gaze with Kate's during the trip. Now, he was cornered. He would have to look at her, respond to her look with something of his own. He would have to stare at her bruised face, her purple cheek. He would have to stare at the result of his pride, his lack of courage to go to her and apologize. To take Kate and her daughter out of that house. It was his fault. Of course it was. He could have gone to her house earlier, instead drinking in a bar until that chick called, saying that she had Ella and that Kate was probably in danger.

"You don't have to look at me if you don't want to." Kate said with a sigh, and Sawyer didn't dare to tear his eyes away from the steering wheel. "I know it must be kind of gross." Her sad tone was all he needed to snap out of that wave of guilt he was immersed in. Hell, he was making things worse.

"Looking at you ain't the problem." He glanced at her, finally, and his eyes found her curled up against the door, forehead pressed against the window, her eyes closed. Her bruised cheek was turned towards him, and he could see a purple shadow covering her cheek bone. It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be.

"Yes it is. You don't wanna see what _he_ did to me. It makes you feel guilty." Kate said this in one breath, leaving Sawyer with both his hands gripping the wheel in disbelief. The damn woman could always read right through him. How the hell could she know what he was thinking? He looked the other way, through his own window, as a comfortable silence was established between them. It was all there was to it, wasn't it? The comfortable silence he didn't seem to find with anyone else, but that was always there with Kate.

After a few moments of silence, Sawyer thought Kate was asleep and turned to her again, only to find her staring at him with a piercing look and a sad smile on her face. Her eyes were red from crying, and her freckles were more visible than ever, even there, in the dim light of a street lamp. Sawyer looked at her eyes and took the keys out of the ignition.

"Wanna go upstairs?" he asked in a low, tired tone. He kept looking at her eyes, trying to avoid her cheek, obviously uncomfortable with it. She was right. He blamed himself for that, of course it did. Because it was true. If he hadn't been so damn stubborn, none of that would have happened. If he had the courage to go over to her house and just take her with him, Jack wouldn't have had the opportunity to beat her up. Damn, he knew she had been beat up when she was a kid, he once noticed her cringe during a conversation about a girl who had died from "domestic violence". He knew that she had already gone through that, and that those were probably the most painful memories she had. She didn't need to relive them with that doctor. Hell, she didn't need to relive them with anyone.

When he dared to look at her lips, he realized she was smiling. It wasn't that sad, half painful, half broken smile he had seen seconds before. It was a devious, mischief grin, one of those that made his inside boil and his desire grow. He mentally kicked himself for thinking of sex at a time like that, but her voice, when she spoke, did nothing to help him avoid those thoughts.

"Is that an invitation to your bed?" He smiled at her words and looked away, feeling himself blush. Crap, he was blushing in front of her, he couldn't believe it.

He didn't know if it was the almost inexistent light, or the fact that she was expecting it that kept her from making a witty remark, one of those he usually made. Replying in that same playful tone, Sawyer looked at her eyes and flashed his dimples. 

"Hell yeah. But can we still do it here, in the car?" her smile disappeared and her eyes became sharp, not at all nice. Sawyer got scared for a moment, and then realized she was about to cry. 

"I... I didn't... I wasn't serious." She said in a low, trembling voice. Clearing her throat, her voice became steady and studied, as if she had been gaining strength to say those words. "I don't think I can have sex tonight."

Sawyer could never have predicted her next reaction, and he watched it as if he watched a slow motion, mute movie, the events coming upon him with the sharpness of a thousand knives, piercing through his body.

Kate covered her eyes with her right hand, and all he saw was her mouth, moving into a disfigured, crying state. The shape of the Greek playhouse masks he had seen in a documentary came to his mind all of the sudden. Kate's mouth looked pretty much like 'tragedy's' face at the moment.

Her body started to break itself, and she brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, exposing her crying face to Sawyer, hitting him like a punch. He had never seen her like that. Truth be told, he had never seen anyone like that. He felt like, for the first time in his life, he was looking at the real face of sadness, of fear and of despair. Kate was breaking down in front of him, and he didn't know what to do.

Sawyer was acutely aware of his whole body. He could almost feel the blood running through his veins, he could feel it irrigate his limbs, his long legs all the way to his feet, and up again, moving to his hands, the hands he was unable to use, unable to move in Kate's direction. Above all, he was acutely aware of his state of inaction. For God's sake, Kate was in front of him, breaking down in a way that he'd never seen anyone break down before, and all he could do was stare at her?

Then, suddenly, it hit him. He was scared of it. He was scared and he didn't know how to react because, ever since he could remember, he hadn't let anyone get into him as deeply as Kate had. He couldn't touch her because he was scared that it would be real, that if he moved or touched her, it could become a reality for him too. He could share that pain, and pain was something he was never interested in. He'd had enough of that in his childhood.

And then, against his will, he saw himself move one hand, then another. He watched ad his hands, seemingly on their own accord, moved towards Kate and touched both her shoulders. He also watched as she brought her teary eyes up to his and moved across the pickup seat, sitting in his lap, her face at the level of his own face, her forehead touching his. Her legs were turned towards the passenger seat, and her arms were around his neck, softly, almost not touching.

They didn't kiss. None of them wanted to make the first move, and above all, none of them felt the need to. Kate looked at his eyes one more time before her small body started to shake with sobs, convulsing so hard that Sawyer grabbed her back in order to keep her in place. As he did that, he started, again without his brain ordering it, kissing her cheeks softly, the bruised one and the other one. He kept spreading quiet, slow kisses on her forehead, her nose, and the spot between her eyes that he loved so much.

After some time, Kate's sobs started to get more sporadic, and Sawyer felt himself relax. He was holding her head against his neck with his hands, telling her soothing words and kissing her neck and ears softly, way that was new even to himself. As a matter of fact, he was quite surprised with his actions in the past half hour. He never thought he had it in him, that ability to comfort her, that willingness to embrace her and cradle her, make her feel better. It was just as new to her as it was to him. She had never been comforted like that by anyone, and she had to admit that she was enjoying it a little bit more than she should.

God! She was sobbing in his arms, had been beaten up by her husband and all Kate could think about was sex. She was shocking herself, and at the same time, realizing that it was more than natural to feel that way. She wanted him. Even with the sobs. Even knowing that he would probably be scared as hell once they got out of that car and into the real world. Even knowing that she was just as scared as he was.

Kate felt Sawyer open the door with one hand and put the other hand under her knees.

"Let's go upstairs." Sawyer said, and she felt herself being lifted up. She had no idea of how he'd done it, but the next second they were both out of the car, and he was carrying her in his arms. Kate buried her face in his neck, afraid to show herself cry even more.

He was carrying her. He was carrying her inside his house in the same way he had carried her out of her house. It was like a ritual, a scary sense of symmetry put there in purpose, by fate, by God, even, to show her the way. There was no way back.

Hiding her sobs in Sawyer's neck, Kate couldn't decide if she was crying out of joy or sadness. Or even fear, the kind of fear that got stuck in her throat and made her unable to breathe. Sawyer made his way into the elevator and pressed the button with the number four on it. Kate didn't move while they stood there, in the silent space, both trying not to think about the closeness of each other's bodies. Kate was extremely aware of Sawyer's hand roaming over the bare skin of her lower back, getting tangled in the hair that was falling into her back, while he felt the effects of her breathing on his neck with a crumpled face.

When the elevator doors finally opened, they both sighed out loud, relief spreading across their faces in the form of a loud, genuine laughter. Sawyer opened the door to his house and, without turning the lights on, he led Kate to the couch, kissing her forehead slowly. She looked at him, still laughing a little, her face blushed again.

"What do we do now?" she asked, her voice low. There was a tip of hesitation on her voice, as she had just made a decision. Sawyer looked at the kitchenette and smiled a little.

"Now, I'm gonna make coffee and you're gonna drink it." He got up and smiled at her. "I still ain't sure if you're drunk or not."

"I'm not!" She laughed, drying the tears from her face with the bottom of her shirt with a smile on her face. Sawyer smiled when he looked at her. She was beautiful, her eyes shiny and her cheeks blushed. The purple stain seemed to be reduced to that place, and it wasn't so hard to look at, now.

"Well, you're gonna drink it anyway, Freckles." He said with a laugh.

"Oh yeah? Let me warn you, then. If I drink that thing, I won't be able to sleep all night." She said, a playful smile dancing on her lips. He was stunned with her change, from the state she was in a few moments ago, and the way she was acting now. There was still sadness in her, he could see it, but it was almost as if she felt safe, so safe inside his house, that she could be another person, a happier person inside it.

"Who told ya I want you to sleep, tonight?" he replied, and she threw a pillow at him.

"Shut up." Getting up from the couch, Kate turned the lights on, and looked around her. She was staring at a male apartment, clearly, but against her predictions, it was tidy and clean. The living room was a rectangular room, the door placed on one of the long sides of it. There were big windows in front of the door, and the couch was in the opposite direction, making a right angle with them. The TV set was in front of the couch, and facing the kitchenette, equipped with old but clean wooden cabinets. There were DVDs placed near the TV, and two big bookshelves, filled with books. It was a comfortable environment, and Kate felt herself going back to her old apartment, the one she had owned before she had married Jack. It was something like that, small and cosy, warm. A big couch, a kitchen and books. It was all she used to need, and it was all he needed.

"Never pegged you for the intellectual type." She joked lightly, approaching the bookshelves and looking at the volumes. There were no pictures, no artefacts in front of the books. Sawyer looked at her and leaned his back against the kitchen counter.

"I'm not. I have a thing for tacky novels." He shrugged and turned around, while Kate examined one of the volumes.

"Graham Greene is not exactly tacky." She said, walking over to him and sitting on one of the kitchen stools. He looked at her with an embarrassed smile.

"I know the house ain't fancy, alright? But it's what I have. And I do like it." He said in one breath, as if scared that she would judge him. Kate shrugged and accepted the mug with coffee he placed in front of her.

"I like it. Very much." Taking a sip from the coffee, she felt herself get warmer and start to feel better, as if the simple fact that Sawyer had made her coffee could change her mood. It could, but that was beyond the point. Or so she thought. "It's good." She said with a smile "But I still think I'd prefer the vodka."

"See what I mean?" he asked, sitting in front of her and taking a deep, satisfied breath. "You're still drunk."

"Am not!" she replied, throwing a napkin at him and hitting his forehead. He laughed and continued to tease her.

"Are too!"

"I'm not! I didn't drink anything since Ana Lucia came by!" she smiled sadly. She felt like she owed him, for that, she owed him her sanity at the moment. "Thanks for sending her there. She kind of saved me."

"Yeah. I thought so. And I know Lulu always wanted to see your husband's house, so..." a look of sadness came over Kate's face as she took another sip from the coffee. They stood in silence for a moment, not sure of what to say, until Kate broke the silence in the best way she could.

"So, can I crash on your couch?" Sawyer pointed at one of the doors on the smallest wall. 

"Nah, you sleep in my bed. I'll sleep here on the couch." Kate got up from the stool and smiled.

"No way. Seriously, there's no need for that, I can sleep here." She moved towards the couch, getting ready to lie down, but Sawyer got there first and pushed her to the bedroom.

"Don't even dream about it, Freckles, you're not getting the TV set for the night." He laughed and opened his bedroom door. It was a medium size bedroom, with a big brass bed and a closet. There was a small door that led to the bathroom, a small but clean room, just as the rest of the house. Sawyer walked to his closet and picked a black t-shirt up, placing it on the bed. Kate smiled at his gestures, so domestic and manly at the same time.

"You don't have to worry about sheets and stuff, the maid changed them today." He smiled at himself. "It seems like she was predicting this, huh?"

Kate picked the shirt up from the bed and smiled at him. Turning off the light, she looked at him with a weird expression on her face. When he didn't understand what she meant with that look, she spoke up "Sawyer, I'm not that easy. Would you please turn around, so I can change?" she said, with a smile. He smiled back at her and turned around, sticking his hands on his pockets and sighing loudly. Kate got rid of her clothes quickly, putting on his shirt. It was long, and reached the top of her thies; just enough to cover her butt and leave a big portion of her legs out.

"You can turn around, if you want." She said in a low voice, trying to get the shirt to lower just a bit, enough for her to hide behind it. Fortunately or unfortunately, it was basically impossible.

When he turned around, Sawyer was more than pleased to get the chance to look at Kate's toned legs. He had seen them in the Cape, but the Cape wasn't his bedroom. Hell, it wasn't his bed.

Kate blushed a bit with his look and walked towards the side of the bed, laying down and staring at the window, which was allowing a dim light to enter the room. That light was enough for her, it was enough for them. She laid on her side, and felt his steps beside her. With a smile, he pulled the covers from under her and tucked her inside of them, making her smile. She was enjoying that treatment almost to exhaustion.

When Sawyer was done, he kissed her forehead lightly and was preparing to leave when she held his hand.

"Can't you stay here with me? Just for a bit." She smiled at his puzzled look. "Take your mind out of the gutter, Tex." She laughed "I mean to talk for a bit. Or stay quiet. Whatever you like." Kate shrugged "You were the one to give me coffee, man. I warned you." 

Sawyer took off his shoes quickly and climbed onto the bed, on top of the covers, lying besides Kate. She smiled at this, and turned her stomach up, leaving the two of them in the same position, both facing the ceiling and their somehow transformed lives. 

------------------------------------------------------ 

The two of them lay there, in the dark, for almost two hours talking endlessly. They spoke mostly about Kate's life, and what she would have to do, now that she had left Jack.

"It's just… everything seems so surreal." She smiled a little when she said this, afraid he might find her corny, somehow. "I don't know. It's like a dream. It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real."

"Well, Freckles, I can assure you: this is real." Sawyer laughed a bit, trying to conceal the fact that he was thinking the exact same thing. How unreal that whole night seemed. How their lives were changing, so fast and so dramatically.

"I know." He could hear the smile on her voice, her tired tone sprinkled with a little bit of self-mocking. "But it still doesn't feel real." She added, more seriously.

They stood in silence for another while. They were both lying comfortably, facing the ceiling, with their eyes closed. It was almost as if they were two friends, not more than that, spending a night together and talking about their lives. But then, of course, there was the sexual tension.

Despite the feeling of well being the situation provided both of them, they were immersed in a pool of blatant sexual tension. It wasn't awkward at all, because there was no embarrassment between the two of them. They wanted each other and there was nothing to do about it. Sawyer knew Kate was dying to kiss him, while Kate was acutely aware of the closeness of his right hand to her hipbone. God, she only wished he would grab it already and pull her to him, closing the distance between them.

Kate's hands, placed quietly above her stomach, were starting to ache with need. She wanted to touch him. She could feel the tingle in her fingertips, she could feel herself touching his skin, the soft spot in the middle of his thorat, which she fantasized about even since she'd seen him half naked, in the Cape house. However, this situation was nothing like that afternoon in the Cape. They were lying in a bed. In his bed. Nothing good could come of that, could it?

"I wish I could leave." Kate said in a low voice, trying hard not to think about the body right next to her.

"Where?"

"Somewhere." A moment after she said those words, they both laughed at the silliness of the statement. "I mean, somewhere far from here." She thought a bit before letting out the words, thinking that he would probably react to them. "Maybe the south."

"Where in the south?" she was right, he had opened his eyes and turned his face to hers, a wave of nostalgia growing in his eyes.

"I don't know. You're from Tennessee, right? Maybe there." Kate tried to sound careless and distracted as she said that, trying not to make him feel too bad. She knew it wasn't easy for him, even though she didn't know why.

"I ain't goin' back to Tennessee." Sawyer said in a growl, obviously touched by the way she spoke about it. "If ya like the south, why not South Carolina? Georgia?"

"First of all, who said I wanted you to go with me?" Kate said with a laugh, using her elbows to pull herself up and look at him. He smiled, his usual cocky smile spreading across his features and making him seem like a little boy.

"You can't live without me, Freckles. Not anymore. Not after I performed my 'white knight' impression against that hubby of yours, tonight." They shared a quick laugh and Kate let herself fall on the bed, a little bit closer to Sawyer, their hands almost touching, now. It was almost like a torture.

"So, Carolina, huh?" Kate moved her hand closer to Sawyer's, and realized they were Sawyer's hand wasn't by her side, as she would have thought. It wasn't until she felt his fingertips on her arm, sending shivers down her spine, that she realized he was touching her.

It was becoming unbearable. Sawyer's hand was roaming over Kate's arm, his fingertips only touching her skin. She felt like he was burning through her flesh, his energy so dense that she could feel the heat from his body. 

"Yeah. Carolina sounds… good." Sawyer said, a little distracted by the movements of his own arms. Kate's breathing was becoming ragged, as she felt herself warm up under Sawyer's expertise. He was now tantalizing the skin just above her shoulder, his fingertips probing her neck slowly making her sigh.

"But then we… we won't have…" she felt like she wasn't going to say anything that actually mattered. And she wasn't, but somehow, she felt the need to keep to keep talking, as if her voice was the snake whisperer's flute, leading Sawyer's hands over her body. "We can't… Ella will… Oh, dear."

Before she could think Kate pushed Sawyer in the opposite direction of her body, making him roll around on the bed and fall to the ground with a thud. Se couldn't help a laugh, covering her face with her hands quickly. 

Sawyer was sitting on the floor, his head just above the mattress, looking at her curiously. "What the hell, Freckles? You tryin' to kill me?" Kate couldn't stop laughing, so she held the pillow against her face and laughed into it, letting Sawyer hear no more than a bunch of little squeals, apparently from her breathing.

"I'm… sorry." Kate said, amongst the laughter. "I'm so sorry. But we're not having sex. Not now." She said in one breath, starting to laugh all over again. Sawyer felt offended by that. Hell, he knew she wanted that just as much as he did, why she was acting like that.

He couldn't, however, tear his eyes away from her laughing figure. She looked way too beautiful for him to look other way. Her eyes were filled with tears (happy tears, he was sure), and her face was blushed, so unequivocally, that he could see in with the dim illumination. And he loved to see her laugh. She didn't do it often, so it was refreshing and new when she did it. He loved to see her like that. Damn, he wouldn't trade that vision for the world.

When her laugher started to subside, and Kate let herself fall on the mattress again, Sawyer got up from the bed and looked back at her, a half-amused smile turned towards her.

"Well, since you can have that much fun on your own, I'm gonna lay in my ultra-comfortable couch and sleep. Ever heard of that? Sleep?" Kate's face grew serious as she saw him turn around to leave, and she raised herself from the bed for the third time.

"Sawyer…" she said, but he cut her off.

"Go to sleep, Freckles." Sawyer closed the door behind him, leaving a lonely and slightly excited Kate behind him.

Kate couldn't sleep. It was almost 5 am and she hadn't closed her eyes for a second. It was the coffee, She knew it was the coffee that Sawyer had given her, that was preventing her from resting.

Who was she kidding? It wasn't the coffee, of course it wasn't. She could hear his breathing from the opened door, and feel him right there, in the couch, sleeping deeply. Moving from time to time. She could hear his breathing and synchronize her own breathing with his, trying to fall asleep, trying to lose herself into him. Trying to let herself go.

Kate tried to distract herself by thinking of how much her life would change. She would have to get an apartment for herself, and for Ella, since the girl would most obviously be with her. It couldn't happen in any other way. She would get an apartment, downtown, near Sawyer's. They would be safe, with him around them. That way, he could come around and have sex with her anytime.

Kate slapped her own forehead, with that thought. How could she think about that? She couldn't be that desperate, could she? Oh yeah, she was.

Pulling her legs up from under the covers, Kate got up on her feet and walked toward the entrance of the bedroom, hoping to get a view of Sawyer's body. She did. He was lying on his back, his bare chest exposed to Kate's eyes. She couldn't have asked for more. He was just there, waiting for her, aching for her touch. And she could do nothing but oblige, with a blind faith in what was happening next.

Without even realizing, Kate approached the couch and keeled on the floor right beside Sawyer's chest, looking at him. He looked restless. His eyes were shut tightly, but his mouth was relaxed. There was a wrinkle of his forehead, the one that appeared when he was angry, splitting the spot between his eyebrows in two. Kate's finger, of his own will, followed that line gently, finishing it's train on his hair. Her other hand, lifting up before she could stop it, was touching Sawyer's chest very lightly, pressing one finger against the spot she loved so much.

Kate wasn't surprised when Sawyer's eyes snapped open, staring at her intensely as her hands made their way up from his chest to his neck. Lifting herself up from the floor, Kate bend over and caged Sawyer's face with her hands, looking at his eyes.

The tension between the two of them was almost palpable. Sawyer's eyes were open wide, while Kate was feeling herself relax into him. His hands came up to the sides of her torso, drawing her even closer to him than she already was´, while she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Sawyer saw her closed eyes and decided to embrace the opportunity and take a chance. Raising himself from the couch, he picked Kate up from the floor easily and sat her on his lap. Kate shifted and put one leg on each side of his body, so she was straddling him, even closer to him than before. 

They looked at each other's eyes for a moment, before crashing their mouths against each other in fierce passion. The kiss was overwhelming: their tongues were entwined and their hands were running wild over each other's bodies, gripping and tugging everywhere. For the first time, there were no barriers between them, no shame, no sense of decency. They were just animals, passionate animals that wanted to be consumed by that fire.

Kate moaned into Sawyer's mouth when he grabbed the back of her thighs, pulling her closer. The two thin layers of clothing between them were starting to become annoying, and they got rid of them quickly. Sawyer wanted to take Kate's shirt himself, and she let him. There was nothing sexier than a beautiful woman wearing one of his shirts. And if he could be the one to take it off, even better.

Kate couldn't avoid a smile, when she saw the look of wonder that danced on Sawyer's eyes, as soon as he saw her naked. He was stunned by her beauty, even in the dark room, illuminated only by the street lights and the fading moon.

She was perfect, he thought with a smile. Deep down, he had a strange feeling, sort of a fear of getting disappointed, of looking at her after those months of longing for her, and not feeling the slightest bit of desire. He smiled at her when he realized it couldn't have happened. She was perfect. She was beautiful: her curves soft, her muscles taut; she had enough flesh for him to grab, bite and delight himself. Her breasts fit his hands in the most devilish way, not too big but not too small either. 

"Wow." It was all he managed to say, as his eyes travelled up and down her body one more time. Kate laughed a bit, pressing her hands against his chest and making him lean against the back of the couch. Kissing him softly, she rubbed her hands all over him, only to find out he was more than ready for her. And she wasn't in the mood for waiting either.

They moved slowly, savouring each other's bodies and they walked slowly towards the ending they were expecting. None of them made any noise: the only sounds that could be heard were the ragged and irregular intakes of air, that both made at the exact same time. They took their time, not rushing, enjoying themselves as much as they could.

They seemed to be gifted with an uncanny sense of empathy, as if they had been doing that for years. Sawyer could read any look Kate gave him, any touch. He knew exactly where she wanted to be touched and the pace she wanted to keep; Kate could read the signs of his desire perfectly, matching his thrusts with her own and embracing him softly. Sawyer kissed her neck more and more hungrily as he got close to finishing, and Kate's breaths were more forced and erratic by the second. Still, they didn't say a word. When she felt herself getting closer to her own release, she pulled Sawyer's head away from her neck, grabbing his hair, and kissed him deeply, more deeply than she ever had.

It was almost as if they were drowning: the kiss was leaving them breathless, but the idea of comfort, of ending that it gave didn't allow them to break it. It was only when Kate started to feel herself go limp that she broke it, looking deeply into Sawyer's eyes as they both stopped breathing for a moment, leading one another over the edge.

They stood there, motionless, for several minutes, kissing slowly and softly and trying to regain the air they seemed to have lost. Kate was feeling lighter than she had felt in years. She was in the arms of the man she loved, just resting there, peacefully. There was nothing in the world better than that. 

Sawyer, on the other hand, was surprised with himself. He had never felt that, what he had felt with Kate. When he thought about it, for a moment, he realized what it was: it was intimacy. Tenderness, silence, intimacy. He had never felt that with a woman, because the other women he had been with were mere tests, mere experiments, made only to help him realize that Kate was his one and true match. He smiled at himself, thinking he should be in such a high that he was already thinking like a girl, "Get over yourself, man." He thought to himself with a dimpled smile earning Kate's attention.

"What?" she smiled curiously at him. He kissed her softly and looked at her eyes again.

"Nothin'. Let's go to bed." He said, lifting himself up from the couch, Kate's legs around hi midsection, and walked to the bedroom with his woman's giggles decorating the air. He dropped her on the bed, smiling widely at her, as she leaned against the pillows and looked up at him, an equally mischievous smile dancing on her lips. He put one knee on the bed and looked at her eyes, making Kate laugh a bit and pull him down against her, for the second time that night.

"C'mere, cowboy."

The fell asleep together, when the sun was already high in the sky. They had spent the previous three hours loosing themselves in each other's bodies, leading to a wave of exhaustion that, mixed with the events from the previous night, made them fall asleep faster than they had expected.

They were sleeping _together_, in the most literal of all senses. Her torso against his torso; her left arm folded under her head and the right one placed around his midsection. His arm was folded over her, pulling her closer, protecting her from any possible threats that could tear their peace apart. Their legs were intertwined, and they were still naked, the blanked spread loosely over their lower stomachs and thighs.

More than their bodies being together, their faces were. Their noses were touching, and so were their lips. Both of them had the mouths open just enough to let the air in, as if breathing each other's air, living from each other's bodies. So when Kate felt the need to shift and found herself drowned in Sawyer's protectiveness, she decided she wouldn't need to shift. They were perfect like that.

Planting a soft kiss on the tip of his nose, Kate closed her eyes again and pulled Sawyer's body even closer to her.


	22. Chapter 22

_I am so terribly sorry for the delay in the coming of this chapter! as some of you might know, I've been out of the country on vacation until the 15th, and then I started class and with the Hazing and stuff, I really haven't had any time to myself. So, I'm very, very sorry for the delay. _

_Thank you so much for your reviews. You readers are the impulse that keeps me working, so I'm very, very inspired by your reviews. They're so much more than I deserve. :)_

_This is a smaller and lighter chapter than the previous ones. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!_

**Chapter 22**

The sun was already high in the sky by the time they went to sleep, and five hours later, there they were. It was almost 1 pm and they were still in the same bedroom, the door open to the living room and the window closed, the blinds shut, allowing just a faint ray of sunlight to penetrate that strange dimension they had created.

Kate shifted a bit in the dark, placing one leg over the arm of the sofa she was sitting on. She would never have pegged Sawyer for the kind of man that had a small couch in the bedroom, but the sense of comfort it gave the room had made her choose the spot to sit and wait for him to wake up. It wasn't far away from the bed, just about the distance of an arm, so she could feel him close to her, hear him while he slept. He made some noises she would normally consider annoying, and shifted a lot, but she didn't care. It was like watching a football game, she couldn't tear her eyes away from the calm and endearing spectacle happening right in front of her.

He was sleeping on his back, his chest rising and falling slowly, his hand over his stomach. The only thing covering his body was a sheet, but it was concentrated on his lower parts, leaving the nude torso for Kate to appreciate. She bit her lip while she considered, for a moment, taking the sheet away and having him completely exposed to her, but she managed to fight that urge and keep her hands to herself. Fighting a laughter that was almost winning over her will, Kate looked at the door of the bedroom and sighed.

It was amazing, how much her life had changed since the previous night. She was no longer with Jack. She had made the move. She had started it, the war that was probably going to lead her to utter destruction. But somehow, looking at Sawyer's sleeping figure, she realized it was all worth it. She was no longer a prisoner, she no longer had to pretend to be something she had never been. That pretty and submissive housewife Jack liked her to be.

Who was she fooling? She had enjoyed it. Until that year, until she had met Sawyer, she had loved her life. She loved having all the time in the world for her daughter, not having to worry about running away, about how she was going to find money for the next meal. She'd had enough of that back in the days.

And she was probably going back to that now. The problem, however, was that she wasn't alone. She had a daughter to take care of, and she would never, on any condition, leave Ella behind. But then again, maybe she'd have to. Would it be fair for the girl to live as a fugitive, not able to stay on one school, one house. One home. She wouldn't have a home, and that was something that even she had when she was little. Back in the days when her parents were together. She couldn't drag Ella to that life, she just couldn't.

Feeling a wave of panic coming over her, Kate covered her face with her hands and took a deep breath, starting to feel calmer as she inhaled the warm air from the overheated bedroom. Nothing would happen, she repeated to herself like a mantra, Nothing _could_ happen. She wouldn't be able to live without the girl, without the baby she had begun to bring up, with all the scare and happiness that came along with it.

For a moment, Kate remembered the day after Ella was born, when she had already slept and the visits were gone. She was alone in the hospital bedroom, cradling the little girl in her arms, and the same wave invaded her, tearing her apart. Kate suddenly recalled starting to cry, as the girl cried as well, and she tried to silence her as she thought she could never do it.

"How can I raise you?" she had asked the little girl, as if that baby would answer. "How can I take care of you? I'm not a good person, I'm not even decent. I'm a lie. How can I raise you, Ella?" the girl wailed and Kate tried to muffle her sobs by kissing the girl's forehead.

That had happened four years ago, but somehow was still fresh in Kate's memory. It was like a scar, the fear she had felt, that she imagined any mother would feel, only multiplied by a thousand. And it was the exact same fear she was feeling now.

Kate straightened up on her chair when she heard Sawyer move in his sleep, and smiled. No. She wasn't alone. She had Ella and she had Sawyer. She knew he wouldn't leave her alone fighting for the girl. She knew he would help her. And it was worth the risk.

-----------------------------------------

Sawyer opened his eyes and stretched his arm to feel the warm body laying beside him. He felt exhausted. Kate had taken all the strength away from him, hadn't she? A strange woman, that curly-haired beauty. He knew she wouldn't be the kind to just give up control, but he hadn't imagined how much she would fight him. She wouldn't give in, she wouldn't cave. They were playfully battling each other on the bed, wrestling for control, until at some point, without the need for words, they both gave in, just enjoying each other's bodies, with no will for power at all. That was why he was strangely surprised when he realized there was no body there, only the already cold sheets of his own bed.

"Morning, Tex." A voice said from the other side of the bed, the corner of the room. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at the chair, where Kate was sitting with a cat-like smile that made him warm up all over again. He wasn't that exhausted after all, he thought with a smile. She looked stunning, even though all he could see were her long legs, curled in front of her.

"Morning, Freckles." He growled, stretching an arm to touch her leg. She slapped his hand lightly and he retreated with a smile, but seconds later, he was already there again, his fingertips tracing the soft way up to her thighs. She smiled as she took his hand in hers, not expecting what came next.

Somehow, Sawyer had managed to make her get up and make her crash on top of him, holding her still with his legs and pulling her close with his hands on her torso. She felt herself land on his body with a thud, the comfort of him reaching up her back again and making her want to melt. She couldn't avoid a smile when she looked down at his face, her curls framing her face and creating a space of their own, as if they were a curtain.

Sawyer brought one hand up to her face and tucked some of the curls behind her ear, making her smile even wider. "I could be here all day."

"We can't." she smiled as she said this, trying not to break that feeling, that peace that was still evolving them. "I used your phone. Had to call Shannon." Sawyer sighed and broke their eye contact, tearing the moment apart. Tensing up a bit, Kate let herself fall to his side, looking up at the ceiling.

"There's a world outside this room, you know?" she said quietly. "I had to know if Ella was alright."

"Was she?" she could feel a hint of worry in his voice.

"Yeah. She's at Kindergarten now. Shannon told her teacher that no one else could pick her up." Kate sighed and Sawyer moved his face to look at her.

"What are you worried about?" his voice wasn't angry, only disappointed. She knew he had imagined they could stay in bed all day, living out of each other. She had imagined that countless times as well, but it just wasn't possible. Not at the present time, at least. Still, she made a mental note to make it up to him the next time they had some time on their hands.

"They have to give her to Jack if he goes there. He's her father." Kate sat on the bed, pulling the sheets away from her. "Christ, how could I be so stupid?" she muttered, as she got out of the bed and ran to the phone. Sawyer sighed and followed her, stopping just near the kitchenette counter. She pressed a series of numbers fast, and then lowered her eyes, sort of a tique she had, when she was talking on the phone.

Damn, he already knew her mannerisms. That whole thing was becoming serious.

When the person on the other side of the line picked up, Kate spoke in a slow, almost inaudible voice. Mistaking that habit for a need for privacy, he sighed again and moved to the bedroom, where he let himself fall on the bed with a thud. He wasn't sure of how many minutes had passed until he heard her voice behind him.

"You didn't need to leave the room. It's your house." She said in a low, somehow threatening voice. He looked up, locking eyes with her and moved up to her.

"Thought you could use the privacy. Your _tone_ of voice told me so." He spat, moving past her towards the counter and picking up a mug, pouring some coffee into it.

"I always talk like that. You, of all people, should know that." she stated, simply. Walking past him, she got herself a mug and took the coffee pot out of his hand, pouring herself some of the cold liquid. "It's cold." She stated with a smile. She loved to see him getting angry.

"Well, ma'am, I didn't really have the time to warm it up yet. Would you like me to?" he asked, with exaggerated kindness. She laughed a bit, rolling her eyes at him.

"Don't you wanna hear what I know?" she asked in a soft yet seducing voice, as if she was lulling him into obeying her. Strangely enough, he was more than willing to.

"What?"

"I was talking to Christian. My father in law." She rolled her eyes "Jack is out of town." She said happily, looking at the bottom of the mug. Sawyer noticed she had passed from looking like a calm and safe woman to a hyperactive girl, smiling with excitement. "That was the good part. The bad part is that he's planning to press charges against you, as soon as he finds out who you are. That's why we gotta go talk to Chris."

"We?" Sawyer asked in a mocking tone. Great, now she was dragging him into the family reunion. "Ain't that a bit dangerous right now?"

"He has to see me like this." She shrugged and looked away.

"Like what?" Sawyer asked the question and immediately regretted it. Looking at Kate, he saw her looking through the window, her eyes far away.

"He needs to see what his son has done. He believes me, I know he does, but it's different if he sees it. he'll be on our side." Kate said, bluntly. It wasn't no more than strategy. Pure strategy. The damn woman never seized to amaze him. "We need him to convince Jack to give me the divorce. And Ella."

"What about Ana?" Sawyer asked quietly. It was like she had it all planned out, he didn't even had a say in it.

"Who do you think scares Jack the most? His father or his lover? My money's on the Daddy Surgeon." Kate mocked lightly. She took another sip of the cold coffee and made a unpleasant face. "This is awful. How can you drink it?"

Sawyer was amazed. She was like a little girl, like her little girl, talking fast and cracking jokes. It was almost as if she had released that serious and sensible part of her that came with her attachment to the Doc, as if she had just lost five years. He watched in awe as she hopped down from the counter, not careful enough to hide herself under the shirt and started to walk towards the bathroom. He was still distracted when he heard her joyful voice.

"Sawyer? You coming?" she asked, stretching an open hand in his direction, inviting him. He stared at the hand, still a bit lost.

"Where?" he asked, and she rolled her eyes and laughed. She looked like an ennamorate teenager. And strangely enough, that was getting to a side of him that wasn't exactly decent.

"Take a shower? Come on. We smell like each other." She stated, pulling him along with her.

"I like your smell." He added with a dirty smile.

-------------------------

Almost an hour had passed when they left the shower, both in such a state of euphoria that it was almost scary. Damn, he was about to break his own record. He didn't know he had that much stamina. And neither did she, he thought with a smile.

Kate put on her clothes from the previous night: a pair of jeans and a tight purple shirt. Pulling her hair up in a bun as he watched her, mesmerized, she smiled a bit as she watched his abs, his back and his legs, while he put on a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt.

They were still on that state of grace when a broken, sad noise invaded the room. It was a mix between the scratch of the nails on the blackboard and the noise of a car passing by, which led Kate to think the world was about to end. Looking over at Sawyer, she found the calm she needed on his eyes, closed with annoyance.

"Door bell." He stated.

"That's your door bell? It's like a cat being tortured." She laughed as Sawyer passed her by and went to get the door. Kate turned around and somehow, wasn't surprised to see Ana Lucia storm into the small apartment, dropping her coat on the couch and screaming at Sawyer.

"What do you think you're doing? Beating Jack up? I said I wouldn't beat your girl up, so why did you beat my guy?" she asked, not noticing Kate, who was standing in the bedroom doorway with a vaguely amused expression. Sawyer grabbed her arm and pulled her closer, staring at her eyes threateningly. Still, she wasn't scared. Kate could see her defiant and proud as ever, and she suddenly realized they must have had this kind of fight several times.

"He almost killed her." He growled, loud enough for Kate to hear it. Ana freed herself from his grip and looked away, placing her hands on her hips.

"I don't care! I said I wouldn't beat her up if..."

"You were gonna beat me up?" Kate asked with a laugh, not moving from where she was standing. Ana looked over at her and turned around, irritated. Sawyer looked at her pointedly, as if he thought she was still in the bedroom. Clearly, Kate was the only one having fun with the situation.

"You could have told me she was here, asshle!" Ana said and Sawyer just raised his hands in defeat and let himself fall on the couch. Kate was now trying to conceal a smile and moving in Ana's direction.

"I could take you, you know?" Kate said with a smile as moved past Ana and went over to the kitchenette, starting to make some coffee. Ana followed her with a playful smile.

"No doubt you could." She smirked as she said this. "With your cooking and your high class food."

"You provoking me? 'Cause I think you are." Kate said playfully. Her euphoria wouldn't let her react in any other way. And apparently, Ana was in a similar state.

"Nooooo, how could I?" Ana laughed and stopped moving for a bit, staring at Kate while she made coffee. There was something about her, something different. There was something more, a different energy, a different life. "You're glowing." She stated in a low tone. Kate smiled at her as Sawyer got up from the couch, looking over at them with a scared expression.

"You come into my house, Freckles is making you breakfast and now you start talking like a damn girl? Your freaking me out!" he said, half laughing, half angry.

"He calls you Freckles? How do you let him call you Freckles?" Ana looked over at Sawyer with a smile. "Freckles is a dog name."

Sawyer stared at her.

"_Unbelievable_!" and with this usual line, he stormed out of the living room, slamming the door. The women shared a look and started to laugh quietly.

----------------------------

Sometime later, while Sawyer was still in the bedroom, Ana and Kate were sitting on the kitchenette stools and talking lightly. Ana had met Jack at his and Kate's house after Sawyer had taken her away. She had been the one to call Christian and tell him what had happened. Christian had insisted that Jack should take to the Cape house, to avoid the talking about his bruises. He knew there would be some talking, if the high-class surgeon showed up to one of his meetings or surgeries with his face cut open and his eye black. A bar-fight would be the least, but eventually the truth would come out. Damage control, that was all Ana and Christian could do. So, Ana had taken him away and Chris had taken his place with the surgeries that were scheduled.

Jack hadn't asked for Ella. He was barely conscious when his father and his lover took him out of the house, but even later, when he was talking like crazy about how much he wanted to kill that 'redneck bastard' , he hadn't had a word for his girl. No surprises in that department, Kate thought. How predictable was that?

He would probably stay in the Cape for three or four days, enough time for Kate to go home and get some of her and Ella's stuff. Ana offered to help, and she was sure Sawyer would do that task gladly. Ana seemed to want to get done with the process as fast as she could. Kate couldn't really blame her. She knew how much she had wanted Sawyer, how impatient she had gotten.

Ana had just been with Christian, and approved the idea of Kate talking to him. He was reluctant to believe in Jack's story that the cowboy had just entered the house and beaten him to exhaustion, and Kate would be just what he needed to stop believing Jack's lies. Kate noticed that, as they speak, Ana avoided looking at her face, as if she didn't want to see what Jack had done.

"Why do you love him?" Kate asked in a low tone, making Ana raise her eyes from the coffee mug and look up at her. For the first time, she looked straight at the purple stain on Kate's cheek, looking away after she had absorbed enough of it.

"How can I love a man that has done that to you, is what you want to ask." She said in a similar voice to Kate's. "In the same way you can love a man that has tried to con you. You just do, you don't know _how_."

They stood in silence for a while, both trying to let that sentence sink and find it's place in their minds. It was a statement, more than anything. It was the proof that they were alike, Ana and Kate, that they were no more than two women in love. Which was scary and exciting at the same time, and still, somewhat doomed.

Kate sighed, hopping down from the stool and placing her mug in the sink.

"I better go check what he's doing." She said, and moved towards the bedroom door, which she opened slowly, trying not no make a noise. He was lying on the bed, facing down, his light snore audible. Kate brought two fingers up to her mouth, trying to contain a giggle, as she kneeled beside him and lowered herself to his side, her face in front of his, his breath on her mouth. They were so close that Kat had to sight the urge to kiss his mouth; instead, she propped herself up on her elbows and kissed his cheek lightly, moving up to his forehead and kissing it, tracing her very own road to perdition on his face.

"Sawyer? Wake up." She whispered in his ear, while nibbling his earlobe. "C'mon, cowboy. I'm here."

The only response she got was a low growl, indicating he was nowhere near waking up. Feeling a little annoyed, Kate prepared to get up from the bed, but a firm grip caught her from behind and made her fall on he bed again. In a split second, Sawyer was laying on top of her, kissing her passionately.

The kiss lasted longer than they were both expecting. There was no rush, so they took their time savoring each other's mouths, learning each other. There wasn't just one kiss, there were several, one right after the other, no pause between them. Kate felt drunk, as they finally came apart and were both dizzy and breathless.

"Hell..." he muttered, as he tried to regain the air he had lost in the kiss.

"Ana's out there" Kate sighed "and we gotta go meet Christian."

Sawyer sighed and got up from the bed, pulling Kate with him and opening the bedroom door. They found Ana sitting on the counter, looking out the window. When they both emerged from the bedroom, their faces blushed and their hands tied together, Ana looked away and smiled a little.

"You two weren't... you know." She asked with a laugh. Kate's face reached up to a brighter tone of red, while Sawyer opened his mouth, shocked.

"God, Lulu, what do you take us for?" he asked, mockingly.

"A pair of horny lovebirds, with no respect whatsoever for the society rules and with a thing for fairytale endings?" she smiled.

"Shut up, Ana!" Sawyer and Kate spoke at the exact same time, making Ana laugh and roll her eyes.

"Come on! You two are disgusting." She hopped down from the counter and picked her coat up from the couch. "You guys coming or what? It's almost 6pm. Christian's waiting." She said, opening the front door and exiting towards the hall. Kate followed her, while Sawyer stood behind admiring the view as both women strolled down to the elevator. When they both stopped and looked back, Sawyer raised his eyes and smiled, the usual cocky smile that won the world.

"Hey, I was just admiring..."

This time it was Kate and Ana's voice that came out in unison.

"Shut up, Sawyer!"


	23. Chapter 23

_Hello people! I'm sorry for the delay of this chapter, but as I've said before, I've been kinda busy with college. The updates won't be coming as fast as they did in the summer, but I can promise you all that I'll still update whenever I can. I've defined the whole plot now, and I know I have about ten more chapters until it's over... so enjoy!_

_Thank you all so much for your reviews!_

**Chapter 23**

They had agreed to meet Christian at a local bar Ana had suggested. Still, and knowing where the idea came from, Kate was a little surprised. It wasn't the kind of place where Kate would go alone, unless she was on the run and trying to hide. It was dark, dirty and somehow decrepit; the kind of environment where she would feel at home five years before, when trying to escape the police. The kind of place where she would pick a guy up just to steal his money. The kind of place where she would drink to oblivion, the kind of place she would work in.

But not now. It was out of her world, out of her life; the simple thought of going back to that life made her shiver and shake a little, feelings that were stopped by Sawyer's reassuring hand caressing her back. She tried to conceal a smile as she let her hand grab his and squeeze it.

Christian was sitting at a table, his head lowered and his eyes fixed on the empty glass in front of him. _Damn_. He had been drinking, and Kate knew what that meant. His sobriety, that was achieving an outstanding time frame, had gone to waste. He was drinking again, and it was her fault. Kate's nails dug into the skin of Sawyer's hand as she swallowed back the tears that were threatening to come out of her eyes. Luckily enough, her hair was covering most of her face. 

The three of them walked to the table and finally, Christian took his eyes away from the glass, driving his sight towards the strange trio that was standing in front of him.

Damn, he hadn't expected that. Ana Lucia? What the hell was she doing there? How did she know Kate? And what was she doing with her? And the guy, that tall blonde male. He knew him from somewhere. He recalled his presence, from one of his drunken nights. Probably at this same bar. How ironic was that? The guy he had drunk with was replacing his son in Kate's heart.

Kate. Behind those two, there she was. Her hair concealing the features he knew so well, her hands in her pockets. She looked defeated, tired. Her posture wasn't one of a fighter, it was one of a little girl, scared and sad. She looked fragile. And then he saw it. When she turned her head upwards, taking the hair off her face, he looked at her eyes and saw it. The strength. It was still there, it had always been. It was concealed by the soft light she was emanating, that restless joy she was trying to hide. He smiled as he looked at her, her eyes fixed on the dusty window of the bar and her hair still hiding most of her face.

"Move." Ana said, with her usual tone, sitting on the bench right next to him. Sawyer looked around one more time before sitting down, followed quickly by Kate, who took the seat in front of Christian. Sawyer was still suspicious. Since Kate had told him that it was Christian who had wanted to arrange the meeting, he had been restless. He was afraid it was a set up, a way to hurt her. To get her back to that Doctor-Nutcase.

Christian rose his eyes to meet Kate's, and she responded, looking at him in an endearing way. It really seemed like he was her father. She looked down at the glass and back to his eyes, slowly moving her hand and taking it out of Christian's way. He looked sadly at the glass as he saw her hand grabbing it and placing it on a table nearby.

I was the greatest thing someone had ever done for him. That small, simple gesture, was more than Jack had achieved in his life, blaming him for drinking. It did more for him than Margo's pleads for him to stop drinking. Both of them, his wife and his son had done nothing but force him to change. Kate had done it for him. She had been the one to take him to the AA meeting, she had been there through his first speech. She had made a 'soda party' with him on her garden, one day. Just the two of them, celebrating the fact that he had been sober for thirty days. And Ella, who was still too little to understand what was going on but wanted to celebrate as well.

And now she was the only one brave enough to take the doomed glass out of his face. When her eyes met his again, he saw nothing more than a stoic presence, a perseverance he had never noticed in her. And the he noticed her cheek.

It was bruised, as if she had been beaten. A purple stain, about the length of two fingers, was covering her cheekbone, making her beautiful face unbalanced. It wasn't swollen, only dark. And strangely enough, it didn't make her ugly. It made him feel ugly. He was sure it had been Jack.

"Kate..." she cut him off.

"He did this to me, Chris." She said slowly, her voice caught in her throat. She looked like she was about to cry. "And... this." Kate uncovered her neck, showing the faint hand-shaped mark that circulated her throat, revealing Jack's intentions on the previous night. Christian's eyes widened as he saw the marks, and he turned away his face quickly, closing his eyes and sighing.

"Did he do that to you?" he asked slowly. Kate nodded, her hand searching for Sawyer's under the table. She found it laying on the bench, and quickly entwined her fingers with his. He squeezed her hand a little, showing her the support she seemed to need.

"Yes." She hid her eyes behind her hands and took a deep breath. "He was drunk. And he... he tried to kill me. He tried to kill me, Chris." She said, her voice collapsing under the sobs that were taking over her chest. Still, she didn't allow the tears to fall. They were there, inside her eyes, threatening but not falling.

"And that's when..." he asked, waiting for her to continue. 

"Sawyer." She said, suddenly sure of herself. Looking up at him with a teary smile, she nodded as she said her name, as if agreeing that he was there, he was hers. "Sawyer saved me. And beat Jack." 

Christian's eyes turned to Sawyer, watching him closely. He was handsome, there was no way to deny it. He was also a freaking redneck, but somehow, he was sure Kate wouldn't mind. She looked very much infatuated. He'd never seen her look at Jack that way, as if he was her world, her only escape. That was serious.

"So you're the one who beat my son to exhaustion." He said calmly. Sawyer replied, lowering his upper body on the table and getting himself closer to Christian.

"After he almost killed my girl." He hissed.

"Your girl? Last time I checked she was still my son's wife. And when was that? Oh, it was yesterday!" Christian said, his mocking tone infuriating Sawyer. Ana was in her place, not moving, apparently amused by the fight that was beginning between the two men.

"Don't you dare..." Sawyer got up, pulling Christian up with him by his collar. He held the old man's face close to his and was about to start speaking when a pair of hands pulled them apart and forced them to seat down. Ana sat down again, looking at the two of them as if they were two spoiled kids.

"You two look like children." She spat. "Chris, you know very well their marriage was over. Don't be a hypocritical bastard. Not more than you usually are, at least." Then she turned to Sawyer. "As if Jack's charges weren't enough. Yeah, beat him down. Get another line of that record of yours. Then you'll be able to help her." Her eyes crossed with Kate's and Kate sent her a silent apology. During the whole fight, she had just sat there, waiting for it to pass, as if she was on another dimension, not really there. As if she already knew what was going to happen.

"I need your help." Kate told Christian, in the quietest tone she could find in herself. "I need you to help me, Chris." 

Christian sighed and looked at Kate. "What do you need?"

"I need you to keep Jack in the cape until I can get my stuff and Ella's out of the house. I need you to convince him to give me the divorce. And Ella." She asked in one breath. Christian looked at her, stunned.

"You really think I can? Honestly, Kate, you think he's gonna give up his child? That's a matter of pride, to him." she shrugged. 

"That's why I need you. I need you to convince him that he'd be bad for Ella." She stopped talking as her voice got caught in the back of her throat, because of the tears. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "I can't be without Ella. I need her with me. And she needs me too. That's your granddaughter we're talking about. And she can't be without her mother."

"I know." He admitted in a low tone. "Okay. I'll do my best." Looking over at Ana Lucia, he smiled a little. "Care to explain, now, how the hell do you know this woman?"

The four of them shared a conspiratorial smile and Kate began to tell the story.

--------------------------------

They got out of the bar almost an hour later, with Sawyer starting the parade, and the other three following him. Kate was walking close to Christian, a little too close for his taste. He didn't like to see him so comfortable around her, it brought weird images to his head. And even though he didn't want to admit it, he knew he was jealous. Christian was like a father to Kate, he knew that perfectly, but there was something more in the way she looked at him. She admired him, not in the way one would admire a parent, but in a thankful, puppy-eyed way that made Sawyer want to vomit.

He would never be like that. He would never be that kind of wealthy patron Kate was able to find in Christian. Hell, he would never be the same hypocritical-though-good-willed type he hated so much. Sawyer was acutely conscious of the closeness of Kate's body to Christian's. It was almost too much for him to bear, he felt like punching the man already. He turned away, clenching his fists and muttering a couple of not so decent words as he walked away from the bar. At some point, he heard Kate calling him. He didn't turn around to meet her, and heard her steps on the street floor like a compass, coming closer and closer to him.

Kate grabbed his arm and turned him around with a little smile on his face. "Sawyer... what's wrong?" her voice was a mix of curiosity and preoccupation, her face flushed from the rush of meeting him. They were already in the alley where they had parked the car, and there was no sign of Christian and Ana around Kate. They were alone.

"Where are they?" he asked in a low voice. He was in no mood for playfulness. Kate took a step back, the smile vanishing from her face. She stared at Sawyer with an interrogative look on her face. 

"They're gone. Christian took Ana to the Cape house with him." she took a step forward this time, getting closer to him. She had no idea of what was wrong with him, why was he being so... not himself. She smiled at him mischievously before pulling his hand to her waist. "What's wrong with you?"

Sawyer took the opportunity of having one of her hands over his on her waist and pulled her closer to him, making her lower body crash against his fiercely, their faces mere inches apart. Kate stopped smiling when she felt his hands grabbing her skin through the thin fabric of her red shirt. She wasn't sure she was comfortable with that kind of behavior. But on the other hand, she'd probably slap him if he stopped.

"I don't like that guy." He said slowly, her smile reappearing on her face as she started to realize what the problem was. He was jealous. God!, she couldn't believe he was jealous of Christian, of all people. Strangely, she felt herself grow warmer under his hands, and the idea of Sawyer being jealous of her was becoming a serious turn-on. She was afraid she might grab him right there, in the alley where they had parked Sawyer's car, so she decided to play innocent, and try to control herself a little bit more.

"Who?" she smiled, their faces growing closer and closer.

"Your father-in-law." He whispered into her ear, sending shivers down her spine. She was now roughly grabbing his biceps, feeling him through the gray shirt he was wearing.  
Without loosing the smile on her face, she leaned into him and put her mouth just beside his ear "I think you're just jealous of him." she stated, and felt him stiffen under her breath. He pulled away from her, staring at her eyes.

"Am not."

"Are, too." She replied, suddenly revisiting the conversation they'd had the night before. She loved that sense of symmetry, of revisiting old lives when she was with him. he pulled a bit further away before looking at her eyes again, a look of concern covering his face. Strangely enough, she found that expression funny.

"Do I have a reason to be jealous?" Kate almost laughed out loud when these words came out of her mind, but was able to get away with just a small giggle. Letting her head fall to one side like a cat, she wrinkled her nose and smiled wider.

"So you are jealous." She stated, and her stomach bubbled with relief when she realized he was getting into the joke as well. He cocked his head to the side and kissed her exposed neck slowly, pulling her against concrete wall beside the car. Kate let her hands wander at the small of his back, while his hands pulled her head up and his lips kissed her roughly. The feel of his stubble against her chin and face was not uncomfortable, but rather thrilling, and for a moment, she felt like she was sixteen again, kissing her high-school sweetheart against the outside walls of her house, when her mom was not looking.

That whole scene felt like those teenage years, that feeling of danger. Kate smiled into Sawyer's face as he kissed her cheeks lightly and hid his own face into the dark brown curls that surrounded her neck. Kate had started to tug on his belt when she felt herself vibrate against him. Feeling even more excited, she pulled him away a little, so that she was able to unbuckle her own belt, but felt herself vibrate again.

Stopping his action, Sawyer pulled away and stared at Kate's pocket.

"You vibrating, Freckles?" he asked, a little confused. Kate realized she had his cell phone inside the pocket of her jeans, and took it out, muttering something angrily and staring at the object with rage before passing it onto Sawyer's hands. He looked at the number that was appearing on the screen and picked up the call, while Kate sighed audibly. It couldn't have come in a worse time. Damn that phone. 

Sawyer looked down as Kate tried to undo his pants, even though he was on the phone. Hell, she was seriously turned on. He had never seen her like that. Smiling, he spoke for the first time. "Yeah, she's right here." He passed the phone onto an astonished Kate, who picked the call up immediately. He could hear her voice softening up as she realized it was her friend Shannon on the phone. 

Kate took a couple of steps away from Sawyer to talk, while he stood there, lingering against the wall and trying to forget all the thoughts that had come to his head before the call. It wasn't gonna happen. When Kate came back to his side with the phone in her hand and an apologetic smile on her rosy face, he couldn't do anything but smile and open the car door for her.

"Come on in, Freckles."

-------------------------

They arrived at Shannon's place fifteen minutes after the phone call, and Sawyer looked at the old building before getting out of the car. Whistling in admiration, he couldn't help but make one of his witty remarks.

"Not exactly poor, this friend of yours, huh?" he said, getting out of the car. "I knew she'd be a Barbie. I could hear it in her voice, when she called me." He smiled, as they walked into the luxurious hall. There was a doorman waiting to open their door, and making an effort not to stare at Sawyer's not-so-high-class clothes. If he was with Mrs. Shepherd, then he was welcome to the building.

"She's not a Barbie. Believe me. This girl has been through hell." Kate said as they walked into the elevator. Her stomach was moving up and down with butterflies. She had never missed anyone as much as she missed Ella when the little girl was away. And even though she'd been with her the night before, the amount of events and permanent changes in her life had been so big that it felt like it had been forever.

Sawyer seemed to understand her excitement, which she noted by the way he pulled her hand into his, kissing it lightly. She felt a sudden wave of thankfulness coming over her, and leaned in to kiss his mouth, just as softly as a butterfly.

"Thank you." she whispered, her words getting lost into his mouth. He kissed her back for a second.

"What for?" he asked in a husky, raw voice. It was almost as if this voice was coming from the inside of his body, as if that was his real voice. She had never heard a tone so loving and primal at the same time, and she hadn't expected to hear it from his mouth. She felt like starting to kiss him again, but the elevator door rang and started to open. Looking up one last time, she smiled and shrugged. 

"For coming with me here." He gave her his best cocky smile, trying not to show up how much that 'thank you' had gotten into him. 

"Well, I just came for the free food." She smacked his arm as he said this and they walked through the long corridor that lead to Shannon's apartment.

It didn't take much for Sawyer to realize which apartment it was. As soon as the door opened and a tiny figure came out of it running in Kate's direction, he saw it was there. Ella ran to Kate at her fastest pace and crashed against her mother, whose arms embraced her strongly, erasing the bad feelings the girl had been experiencing since the night before.

Kate raised her head from Ella's shoulder as soon as she felt her bursting into tears. Ella clang to her mother's neck and didn't seem to be in the mood to let go anytime soon. Kate got up on her feet and kept the girl pressed against herself, the tears threatening to fall from her eyes as well.

Sawyer was just standing there, not looking at the mother-daughter scene, when he saw a blonde chick coming out the door. She was wearing a pair of denim shorts and a tank top that made her look nothing but hot, and he smiled as soon as he saw it. He couldn't help it. Maybe he should give into her, just a little, to make Kate feel the same way he had felt before. It would be good for her, right?

Shannon had tears on her eyes, just by seeing Kate with Ella again. She had feared for her best friend's life numerous times that night, and it was only when Kate had called her from Sawyer's cell, on the way to his house, that she had been able to get some rest. Somehow, she trusted him. Even though the way he was looking at her at the moment was anything but trust-inducing.

Sawyer was unable to make his move with Shannon. Looking over at Kate, he felt himself get flooded with an emotion he couldn't name, a wave of passion, mixed with the blunt desire to be by that woman whenever she needed him. she looked so fragile, standing there with her daughter in her arms, and so fierce at the same time. It was endearing and surprising at the same time.

Five minutes after the bittersweet scene that had put them all in silence, Kate finally got Ella to get on her feet. Dropping the girl, she used her hands to clean the tears from the girl's face and her own face, taking a deep breath before turning to Sawyer and Shannon. As both mother and child walked hand-on-hand, Shannon noticed Kate's bruised face and neck, and brought a hand to her mouth, unable to hold the tears any longer.

Kate kissed Shannon's face as she stopped crying, smiling at Sawyer. 

"Shann, this is Sawyer." She introduced them through her still teary eyes. "Sawyer..."

"Yeah, yeah. Hi. Let's go inside." He said, dragging both women and the kid inside the house.

It was a small and comfortable apartment, with a touch of quality that was sort of unknown to Sawyer ever since he had lived with his parents. The walls were colorful, but the doors were white. It had a great light and as they walked into the small living room, he could guess Kate to feel very comfortable in that apartment. It was the kind of place he'd never be able to give her.

Ella had her toys all over the place, and Sawyer was following their trail with his eyes when they stopped on a giant mirror. It occupied the entire wall of the living room, and there was nothing in front of it. Nothing but a fixed wooden bar covering the whole length of it. Shannon noticed his look and smiled at him.

"Ballet bar. I'm a Ballerina." She stated, moving towards the kitchen with Kate right behind her. It was only when he noticed the lack of Ella's presence between the two women that he realized something was clinging to his leg. Looking down, he saw the wet face of the girl looking up at him with a smile.

"John Smith, did you save my mommy?" she asked, making Sawyer blush. Damn. Thank God those women were in the kitchen, or they'd see him blush under a question made by a four-year-old.

He lowered himself to the little girl's level and smiled at her. "Yeah. I kinda did." He felt the girl's arms embracing his neck and her soft breath on his neck. Stunned, he pulled his arms up to embrace her, lifting her up from the floor. Damn, he was going soft. That was it.

"Thank you, John Smith." Ella said, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Quickly releasing herself from the hug, she caught his hand and pulled him with her to the center of the living room. Giving her a colorful, dark-haired doll, she smiled.

"That's Dora." He looked at it, confused.

"What am I supposed to do with her?" he asked, turning the doll around as if it was going to give him the answers he needed. Ella looked at him as if he was stupid.

"You are Dora." She stated, picking up a backpack with eyes from the floor. "And I'm the Backpack." She said triumphantly.

"I am Dora?" he was starting to get offended "In case you haven't noticed, shortcake, I'm a man. Not a girl."

"Duh! You're Dora. Shut up." Apparently, the order was set in Ella's little world of toys. Sawyer sighed and sat on the floor, still not satisfied.

"Come on, princess. Let me be the Backpack." He asked softly. He was starting to think Ella was caving, when she smiled.

"No. I'm the Backpack. You're Dora." She stated for the third time, her smile wider than ever. Sawyer sighed and gave into the little girl's playful look.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

------------------------------------

Kate and Shannon were sitting on the kitchen table, sharing a pot of cinnamon tea Shannon had just made. She knew it was Kate's favorite. They were beside the window and the kitchen was illuminated by the sunset light, drawing small figures on the ceiling and on the yellow walls.

Shannon was still in shock. She couldn't look at Kate's bruises or else she'd start crying again, her hand over her mouth. Kate was used to it, and felt like she had ran out of tears, already.

"I can't believe he did that." Shannon shook her head in disbelief. "I hate him so much right now."

"I know." Kate said in a low voice. She was still recovering from the reunion with Ella, nothing seemed to real in her eyes.

"Seriously. I think I'd kill him if I saw him in front of me. Sweetie..." Kate smiled sadly.

"Shann, let's stop talking about Jack, ok?" Kate pleaded, her voice even lower. Shannon understood the message and looked away, smiling to herself. "Let's move on to a happier topic, shall we?" 

"Say... that guy? Oh my God, Susie, he's like... a Greek God!" Shannon gushed like a true valley girl. There was no mistake there, she was a pure Californian. Kate smiled at Shannon's enthusiasm, her smile giving away all she was feeling for him.

"Yeah, he's okay." She said, trying not to show how excited she was about having Sawyer with her.

"Okay? Come on, you can do better than that! He's gorgeous!" Shannon was about to start laughing when she saw the look on Kate's face. "Oh dear God. You're in love with him. You are, aren't you?"

"I'm not." Yeah, nice try, she thought to herself.

"Right. Nice try" Shannon voiced Kate's thoughts with an accuracy that scared her.

"Just a little bit..." Kate admitted, blushing. Shannon made a small victory dance on her chair, making Kate laugh. "Shut up!" Kate pleaded for the second time "He'll hear us!"

"I don't care... you want to huuuuug him..." Shannon started singing in a childish voice while Kate covered her eyes with her hands, laughing hard. "You want to kiiiiiiissss him!"

"Are you sure you're an adult?" Kate asked in between laughs. It was just too good. There she was, standing in her best friend's kitchen, laughing insanely, while Sawyer took care of her child in the living room. Or at least she hoped so. Relying on the idea that Sawyer would call her if he had some kind of trouble, she concentrated on Shannon's bright-red face, and her ragged breath. She couldn't keep laughing that hard, or she'd have an asthma crisis.

Shannon noticed the same thing, so she pulled her inhaler from the table drawer and used it once, twice. Kate waited as the medicine took effect and smiled at her best friend. Glancing at her watch, she realized they had been there for almost an hour. The sun was already down, and Sawyer was probably exhausted from playing with Ella for that long. She knew how exhausting her child could be.

"Those two must be up to something. I haven't heard them in a while." Kate said, getting up from the chair. Shannon followed to the living room and stomped against Kate when she stopped abruptly.

Kate brought her hand to her mouth, covering the smile that was spreading on her face, as she saw Shannon do the same.

Sawyer was laying on his back, on the floor, and Ella had her head on his stomach. He had his hand placed protectively on the girl's hair, and they were both sleeping peacefully. Kate and Shannon stared at them for a minute, overcome by the cuteness of the scene. Sawyer, so manly and dark, seemed to be at his sweetest in that position, and Ella was just too adorable for someone to be able to torn their eyes away from her.

"I guess we have a little more time." Shannon sighed, while Kate watched them, still enthralled by the sight of her lover with her daughter, looking like father and child.

Ella hadn't woken up, and Shannon laid the little girl on her own bed as her and Kate came back to the kitchen. Sawyer was already up, he had been awake by Kate, when she was trying to pick Ella up. He had gripped Kate's arm forcefully, as if she was a threat, only to let go when he realized it was her. Letting his head fall on the floor again, he sighed as Kate got up on her feet again, forgetting Dora behind. Sawyer called her back.

"Here." He threw the doll at Kate, who caught it deftly. Kate smiled and moved towards Shannon's room to lay the girl in the bed. She wanted to take her to Sawyer's with her, but both Shannon and Sawyer had agreed that it was better if the girl was stationed at Shannon's. It was safer for her.

Still, Kate was sad with the decision. She wanted to have her daughter right beside her. Of course, her motherly instincts were screaming at her to let the girl stay at Shannon's, but her selfish side was trying desperately to get her take the kid with her.

Still, the majority won, and Kate and Sawyer left Shannon's house with nothing but a bag of clean clothes Kate had left with Shannon. She'd have clothes for three days, at least. And the jealousy to come along, as well. She had seen the lingering looks Sawyer had given Shannon when they were leaving. She hated that they had agreed on the Ella subject. She hated that they had smiled at each other. And she knew she was too old to be jealous of her best friend.

Sawyer noticed Kate's sadness on their trip home. Her head was bent down, she was no longer the joyful Kate he had seen earlier in Shannon's living room. In a vain attempt to make her feel better, he placed his hand on her thigh, but she did nothing more than take it off. She didn't need sex at the moment, she needed to be comforted. Dang, he didn't know how to choose one or the other. He knew, however, how to comfort her with sex. But that was a whole other story.

They got into Sawyer's house and Kate let herself fall on the couch, sighing deeply. Sawyer placed her bag on the bedroom and sat right beside her on the couch, looking at her. When she finally looked at him, her eyes narrowed and he his expression turned from one of curiousness to one of confusion.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." She said, getting up from the couch. She didn't exactly count on his hand gripping her wrist and pulling her down onto him. In a second, she was laying on his lap, his mouth right in front of hers. Sighing, she looked at his face, as if searching for a sign of some kind. "Why the hell of you have to be so handsome?" she asked with a smile.

"I can't help it." He said with a dimpled smile. She felt like kissing his dimples. "Why?"

"So that Shann would stop looking at you like that." she said, coyly. Yes, the thought. It had worked.

"You jealous, Freckles?" she looked up at his eyes and kissed him passionately, her hands grabbing the hair at the back of his head. 

"Hell, yeah."


	24. Chapter 24

_So, here I am again, people! And here's the new chapter! I really hope you like it. And let me tell you something: enjoy the skateness... it won't last. :/_

_Love you all. Thank you for your amazingly kind reviews:)_

**Chapter 24**

Kate's hand began to move under the sheets of Sawyer's bed, all the way up to her face, her fingertips touching her eyelids. She didn't open her eyes, even though it was dark inside the room; instead, she moved her hand to her side and felt the sheets beside her, hoping to find the familiar heat from Sawyer's body, feel him moving beneath her hand, his breath shaking when she touched him in his sleep.

But instead of hitting her hand against the hardened muscles of Sawyer's stomach, Kate wasn't able to find anything more than the already cold sheets. Groaning in annoyance, she shifted to her side and pulled the sheets up to cover her naked chest. Opening her eyes slowly, she stared at the closed bedroom window. It was old, and still let some of the light inside, providing a faint and mysterious atmosphere.

Kate let herself rest in that position. She tried not to think about Sawyer for a while, but was unable to do the trick. Her mind kept wandering to the previous night, to the things he did to her. _God_, she thought. He did things to her that she would never allow anyone else to do, and still, there was no shame in it. They were like two kids, learning their lessons from each other's bodies, playing and laughing, moaning and sighing in unison. They had been together for four days in his house and there were no more barriers between them, moral or physical.

They were one; they couldn't stay away from each other for long, even though they spent a great amount of time fighting over small and often silly matters. Sawyer usually started the fights, his competitive personality and his constant need to manipulate everyone coming out and allowing him to find in Kate a great adversary. She was just as stubborn as he was, and just as manipulative, which made them both take the arguments as mood lifters or even as mere excuses to a wonderful session of make up sex.

Kate had seen Ella every day since she was staying at Sawyer's apartment. She usually went over to Shannon's in the afternoon and babysat her own child until Shannon came home from the Ballet School. Sawyer had his things to do, and she managed to have some time alone with her girl, and even some time alone to herself. Ella was confused with the entire situation, but seemed to be enjoying Jack's absence, which made Kate shiver. She refused to look at Ella like a small version of herself, hating her blood-father. But it was, the girl didn't seem to be too worked up about the whole mess that was happening around her. Kate couldn't express by words her relief about that subject.

Kate had also communicated with Christian, in those four days. Jack was scheduled to leave the Cape house on Monday, with Margo. It was still Saturday, which meant she had two days to remove all her stuff from the house. And to talk to Claire, explain her the situation. Kate feared this conversation almost as much as she had feared the conversation with Shannon, in which she had told her she was a criminal. Claire was one of her best friends, and was about to give birth to another baby, a baby girl that would be her God-Child. Kate couldn't do that to her. Kate couldn't let her down in that way.

Still, she knew it had to be done. She would have to face Claire, as well as all the friends she had with Jack, and that would probably side with him. She was counting on that, they were his friends before they were her friends. She couldn't really blame them. She would have to live with that. But what was that, in face of a lifetime with Sawyer and Ella?

Kate propped her legs out of the bed and pulled the sheet with her, covering her body with it. Opening the bedroom door, she felt her eyes hurt with the glorious sunlight that made the living room seem somewhat ethereal. Leaning on the doorframe for a second, Kate spotted Sawyer with her eyes, and found him sitting on one of the kitchen stools, the newspaper in front of his eyes and a cup of coffee in front of him. He didn't realize she was there, at first, but when she sighed at his sight, he raised his eyes and found her. His smile said more than any witty comment would.

Kate was growing more and more accustomed to his smiles, and was able to decipher most of them. She knew his smile when he was aroused; she knew the smile he gave her when he was annoyed. She knew the smile that had covered his face the night before, at the same time as she felt herself fall on top of him, exhausted. She knew the smile he used when he was moved with something. She knew his 'Ella' smile, the one he saved to use with her daughter, and made Kate's stomach flutter. She knew her favourite smile, the dimpled, dirty one. The one he was giving her right now.

Sawyer's smile widened as Kate walked in his direction, her legs coming out of the sheets and rising as exposed trophies, to his eyes. She seemed to be aware of this fact, and moved a bit more sensually as she approached him, placing a soft peck on his lips. He pulled her closer again and kissed her deeply, making his hands run up her legs and into the sheets, embracing her midsection to pull her closer. She gave into the kiss, allowing him to go on for as long as he wanted, unable to put up any kind of barrier.

"'Morning." she said into his mouth, as he broke the kiss.

"Well 'morning, Freckles." His dimpled, dirty smile crowned the reply with a touch of naughtiness that made Kate laugh out loud. His reaction to the laughter made her want to laugh even more: the smile had fainted and he had a look of concern in his eyes, as if he was afraid he'd done something wrong. There he was, the insecure and scared Sawyer, which almost never came out. She loved to see him look so fragile, it gave her a sense of belonging she couldn't find anywhere else; it was like the definitive proof that they were alike, they were the same. Only one of their kind could recognize that look.

"What's so funny?" he asked, making such an effort not to sound insecure, that he ended up sounding like a child. Kate smiled and cocked her head to the side, pulling her arms up to around his neck.

"You have that smile on your face." His smile opened, almost unwillingly, and she pressed her fingers against one of his dimples.

"What smile?" he asked, starting to get the joke and wanting to provoke her to exhaustion. Their little game was on again.

"That dirty smile." he smiled again and she laughed, her laughter filling the air and dissolving into the light that filled the room.

One hour later, and after various giggles from Kate and sighs from Sawyer, he was standing in the living room, a PSP in his hands, playing obsessively. Kate was still in the bathroom, getting ready to go out and get Ella. Kate had convinced Sawyer to go house-hunting, since she would have to leave Jack's house in two days and still had no place of her own. All of Sawyer's offers for her to stay as long as she wanted were politely refused until he grabbed her and laid her on the couch, kissing her deeply as a form of persuasion.

When she got up from the couch, after the kiss, she still refused the offer.

So, Sawyer was now sprawled out on the couch, waiting for her to get out of the bathroom. And obviously, when he was about to beat his own record on the NASCAR run, she came walked into the living room, looking damn gorgeous. That had ruined the game for him.

Kate was different from what he had always seen. There wasn't such a big change: her hair was the same, pulled up in a loose bun; she was wearing the white shirt he loved (it had a reasonable cleavage, always a pro), and as his eyes lowered, he found the source of the discrepancy in the picture. _She was wearing a skirt_. She was actually wearing a flowery, red, white and pink skirt, beautiful yet discrete, with a pair of red ballerinas he didn't even know she'd like. All in all, she looked like one of those 50's ads, which was somehow disturbing.

She stopped in the center of the room when she realized she was the object of Sawyer's stare. He had an adoring expression in his eyes, and as she crossed the living room, his eyes followed her trail. Kate looked at him and blushed slightly, looking away and raising a hand to her reddened cheek. She loves when Sawyer looked at her like that, but not when they were about to go out. She wished she had more time to stay at home, to throw herself at him and kiss him passionately.

"You ready?" she asked, her voice coming out as ragged. _Damn_, she was so obvious.

"Where'd you get the outfit, darling?" he got up from the couch and smiled mockingly. He wouldn't let her know she looked stunning with that skirt. "An antiques fair? You look like my grandma." he moved towards the door as Kate scolded. She couldn't believe he was making that joke.

"In case you haven't noticed, I am a _woman_. Women wear skirts from time to time." Kate replied, smiling, as she moved towards him and passed the door. He followed her to the elevator, closing the door behind him and pushing the button. They stood side to side, in the elevator, not looking at each other, in a vain attempt to ignore one another's presence. Kate was starting to feel gloriously accomplished when she felt a warm hand on her back, making its way under her shirt, all the way up to the middle of her back.

Sawyer's hand traced lazy circles on Kate's back, while she smiled and pulled his hand down. Moving out of the elevator, Kate offered Sawyer a mischievous smile. "Wouldn't want you to think you're wooing your grandma, big boy." Her comment made him stop in the hall, regarding her with an offended expression. Kate laughed and took a couple of steps in his direction, taking his hand in hers and pulling him along. "Come on, move."

It was the third apartment they were visiting that afternoon. They had been to six apartments in the morning, but both Ella and Kate seemed to agree they were nothing good.

Ella and Kate had their hands together all the time, and the girl regarded her surroundings with interest, with the same focused expression as her mother. It was amazing, how alike they looked: their looks and expressions, their way of walking and their reactions, were practically the same. Sawyer looked at Ella like a miniature of Kate, and it made him even more enchanted by the girl.

Sawyer had never been good with kids. Perhaps because of his troubled childhood, of the little time he had to enjoy it, he didn't seem to get along with kids at all. Truth be told, though, he had never been so close to someone with children before. It was no less than a wonderful surprise, to see how Ella enjoyed his company. He enjoyed being with the girl as well; her smartness and cuteness had the power to turn his usually dark mood into something much brighter.

Kate and Ella wandered around the house, while the owner stood in the hallway, checking his mail. Sawyer leaned onto the doorframe of the living room and watched as the two of them walked in the living room.

This house was certainly the best they had seen so far. It wasn't big, but it had two bedrooms and a spacey living room, with a beautiful light. Besides, it already had furniture, at least the basics, which would come in hand, since Kate only wanted to bring the essential from Jack's house.

Ella had a smile on her tiny, freckled face. She stared at the window and ran to it, gluing her nose to the glass and staring at the view of the city. She had always lived in the suburbs, and it was probably the first time she was seeing the city from above, so she stared at it, a mix of admiration and fear in her eyes.

Kate stopped in the center or the living room, with a smile on her face, and turned around to meet Sawyer's stare.

"I like it." She said, in a voice so low that he probably wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't expecting it. "I really do." It was like she was talking to herself, but still wanted him to hear it. So he moved away from the doorframe and placed himself in front of her, in the center of the living room. Looking around, he met Kate's gaze with a smile.

"Looks good to me." He said, winking at Kate, not expecting what came afterwards.

Kate placed a hand on his chest, silently, and slowly leaned into him, placing her head on his chest. Looking at her side, she stared at Ella and brought her other hand up to Sawyer's chest, resting it against her lips.

Sawyer was surprised with the gesture, at first. Kate didn't usually have that kind of behaviour with him, even though he had seen her act this tender with Ella. Their relationship was more relaxed, made more of sexual, desire driven impulses and less of soft and quiet moments like those. Strangely enough, he was enjoying the sense of peace.

Bringing his hands up to Kate's back, Sawyer pulled her body closer to his, and felt her relax into his arms. Kate sighed, never turning her eyes away from Ella, as he lowered his face a kissed the top of her head.

"I'm...sorry to interrupt." The voice came from the hall, and Kate rose her head from Sawyer's chest to look in that direction. The owner of the apartment, John Miller, approached them as Sawyer's arms dropped back to their usual sloppy position, and smiled shyly. Kate smiled back and made a motion for Ella to come back to her side, but the girl ignored her. Mr. Smith looked over at the girl and smiled. He should be about sixty years old, and had a look of old, loving grandpa in his eyes. "Do you like what you see, young lady?"

"Yeah..." it was Ella's distracted response, and she kept looking through the window. Kate cleared her throat and the girl looked back, meeting Kate's furious gaze. With a naughty smile on her face, she ran to Sawyer and hid behind his legs, blinking at the old man.

"I guess you do." He said with a smile, looking up at Kate. "You have a precious little girl here." And looking over at Sawyer as well, he added "You must be a very proud father."

Kate covered her mouth quickly, in order to avoid the laughter that was threatening to come out, while Sawyer looked at the man like he was crazy, and then turning his eyes to Kate, who was looking at him with a mix of tenderness and fun. She silently pleaded for him to play along and pretend to be Ella's father, which he did, smiling and looking down at the girl.

Raising his eyes to meet Mr. Miller's, Sawyer gave him his best con man smile, raising his eyebrows and cocking his head. "She looks like me, doesn't she?"

"Yes, she's got your eyes..." Kate managed to cover her laughter with a fake cough, and Sawyer continued his game, placing his hand on Ella's head as she played with the Dora doll she had brought with her.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Can't help it if the girl's got her daddy's charm, right honey?" his eyes turned to meet Kate's, who was trying to compose her face. She smiled a little wider than it was convenient and placed her hand over Sawyer's on Ella's head.

It was like an electric shock. Kate felt it running through her veins as soon as she touched Sawyer's hand, and his lifted eyebrows let her know he had felt the same. It was if they had connected, in that moment, more than ever before: the sense of family, of unity that the gesture gave her erased all her fears, all her doubts.

Smiling at Mr. Miller, Kate caressed Sawyer's fingers with her own. "Yeah. They're both amazing." She said, and her voice sounded more peaceful than ever before. "I think we'll take the apartment."

"Perfect!" John Miller clapped his hands and moved towards the hallway to get the papers, while Sawyer looked down at Kate and found her staring at him, all the passion she was feeling for him at the moment showing through her eyes and making him slightly dizzy. Not caring about Ella's presence on the room, Sawyer grabbed the back of Kate's head and kissed her fiercely, stopping in the moment he heard the old man walking through the door. Kate blushed and looked away.

"Will it stay in your name, Mr...?"

"Ford. Yeah, it's in my name." Kate, who had taken Ella to the window again, approached the two men and gave Sawyer an interrogative look. He made a motion for her to stay quiet, and Kate, realizing he had a reason to do it that way, turned her back on them, pulling Ella closer to herself and kissing the girl's cheek.

They had already dropped Ella off at Shannon's, and were now back at Sawyer's, having dinner. Kate had made some pasta, and they were eating it on the kitchen island, no ceremonies. Sawyer had forgotten to wash the dishes from the previous night, and since Kate had refused to do it, they only had one plate, which made them have to share it.

They were facing each other, only forks in their hands (Kate had coerced Sawyer to wash two of them), and still laughing at Mr. Miller. Sawyer had his eyes locked on Kate, whose hair was now cascading down her back and whose eyes were shining more than usual. Ever since they left the last apartment, she had a sort of glow attached to her, her eyes were bright and her smile was wider than normal. Sawyer loved to see her like that.

Kate was using her fork to roll the pasta around and bring her to her mouth. Sawyer used his fork to make Kate drop the pasta, and soon they were in a messy competition, not to let each other eat.

"Stop it! I'm hungry!" Kate almost begged, ten minutes later. Sawyer had a mischievous smile on his face, and Kate had a bit of tomato sauce on her cheek.

"Hell, Freckles, I can take care of that hunger in a sec..." his dirty smile made Kate laugh and stick a fork full of pasta in her mouth, while he was distracted. Feeling defeated, Sawyer started eating again, but soon it was Kate's fork the one messing with his. "You tryin' to play me, Freckles?"

She gave him a naughty smile. "Maybe."

They arrived at Kate's house after 10pm, when she was sure most people would be asleep, or at least not outside. They parked in front of the house, and Sawyer recalled the moment he had parked there for the last time, entered the house and rescued Kate from Jack's madness. He felt a cold in the pit of his stomach. Looking over at Kate, she had an expression he had never seen in her before. It was a mix of failure and sadness, of guilt and abandon. He observed her for a minute, as she looked at the entire house, trying to absorb every detail of that reality.

"Let's go." She said, opening the door, after a long pause. She stopped in front of the house, taking a deep breath before walking in. Sawyer was right behind her as she opened the door with her key and walked into the hall, standing there for a moment.

The next minutes went by fast. Kate seemed to have connected her work mode, and was now taking care of her things obsessively, putting everything in bags, her stuff and Ella's, that Sawyer would bring down to the hallway. Soon, her clothes were set, and so were Ella's. Ella's toys were a bit harder to carry, so Kate decided she would leave them.

And then, there was the worst part: her office. Kate didn't want Sawyer to come into her office, not yet. There were too many things there, too many situations, too many secrets. The moonlight had invaded the room, as in the say she had met Sawyer. The entire room looked exactly the same ass that night, when she had thought of Sawyer during her lovemaking with Jack. That night was also the last time she had taken the airplane out of its case.

Kate made sure Sawyer was downstairs and took the key from the silver box, using it to open the small drawer that withheld the toy plane. Taking the toy out, she held it in her hand for a while, sitting on the chair, and scrutinizing it in the moonlight. It was old now. It had been five years since she had taken it from Tom's hand, keeping it in her pocket. It had been five years since Tom had helped her escape from the police, from her mother, who had betrayed her. It had been five years since Tom had died in the same accident that had brought her to Christian, and then Jack.

Kate saw herself in front of the church, when she was about to enter it, to marry Jack. She saw herself getting ready to run, until Christian came to her and took her inside. She saw herself alone, in the night Ella was born, because Jack was out, celebrating with his friends. She saw the nights she had cried herself to sleep because Jack was busy at the Hospital.

Kate didn't realize she was crying until a tear fell on her hand. Bringing one hand up to her face, she sighed deeply before giving into the sobs that had been threatening her.

She thought about her childhood, about the days she'd spent with her dad, tracking deer. Her _dad_, not her father. Her mind went back to the day her mother told her they were getting a divorce, when she was eleven. She had seen her mother crying, and it broke her heart. Kate had told her it was alright, that it was for the best. She had told her father the same thing. She had even told her grandmother Grace, who had worried about her, that it was for the best. Kate, at eleven years old, had been the adult in the whole situation, and everybody said that about her.

Everyone spoke about her maturity, about her ability to deal with her parents' problems, with the divorce. Nobody knew she spent her nights awake, sitting on her window with the legs out, crying. Nobody knew that Tom would come almost every night and stay with her until dawn. Nobody knew they did that every once in a while until they were seventeen, and ended up sleeping together. Nobody knew they'd had their first time together, on her bed, in the dim light of dawn.

Most of all, nobody knew what Wayne did to her. Only Tom knew what had happened with her, and she hadn't allowed him to say anything. The revenge was hers, and only hers. So she hid all her plans from him, she didn't tell him she was planning on destroying her house. And when he proposed to her, a week before she blew up the house, she already knew she was going to do it. She couldn't stop. She couldn't taint Tom's life with her own blood.

So she did it, and Tom got killed when they were trying to escape. And coming back to reality, it hit her. What if Sawyer got killed because of her? What if Sawyer got killed trying to help her? What if she was putting his like at stake, like she had put Tom's?

Kate didn't hear Sawyer coming up, and when he reached the office and saw her crying on her chair, he just leaned against the doorframe and stared at her. He knew what was happening, he knew how she felt. Somehow, he had predicted this kind of behaviour, this reaction, not because he knew her so well, but because he was a born pessimist. He had analysed every single possibility of it to go wrong, and that was on top of his list. Her guilt, her regret, that could make her want to go back to Jack. He purposefully made a noisy movement, so she would realize he was there.

Kate turned her face towards the door quickly, surprised by his presence. Grabbing the toy plane with all her strength, she shot a sad look at Sawyer. "How long have you been there?"

He shrugged. "A while."

"Could have said something. You didn't need to be here." She said coldly, putting the plane inside the box she was carrying and getting up from the chair in a fast movement. She passed by Sawyer at the door and took the box downstairs, climbing them again to get more books. Sawyer placed himself in the center of the hallway, not allowing her to pass. "Will you let me go there?" she asked.

"What are you doing, freckles?" he asked, his eyes starting to get as cold as hers.

"What do you mean, what am I doin'? I'm getting my stuff." She replied, defiant and mean. Sawyer grabbed her arms.

"Don't pretend to be stupid, Freckles. You know exactly what I'm talking about." Kate freed herself from his hands roughly and looked away, only to turn her eyes back to him.

"I'm ok, Sawyer." She said slowly. It seemed like she was trying to convince herself, not only Sawyer. Approaching him, she placed her hands on his chest, looking down. There was no trace of the moment he had experienced before, in a movement similar to that one.

"Like hell your are. C'mon Kate, what do you wanna do? Wanna to stay? Wait for that hubby of yours, make him dinner and sew his pants? Wait for him to beat you to exhaustion again?" Kate's sobs started again and she covered her eyes with her hand when he said these words. "'Cause damn it, Kate! I ain't gonna be here the next time he tries to kill you. I ain't gonna be here to have coffee with you on Starbucks, and I ain't gonna be here to love you." his voice broke down with this word, and Kate lifted her eyes from the floor, looking into each Sawyer's eyes.

What she saw in Sawyer's eyes made her sob even harder. She saw doubt, she saw disappointment. Worst of all, she saw _fear_. A fear she had never seen in him, not even when she pushed his insecurity button over and over again just to tease him. She suddenly regretted ever teasing him or making him feel like she could leave him. Still, the image of the dead Tom in the car, right beside her, was still in her head. Her fear of seeing that picture reproduced in Sawyer was more powerful than anything else.

"I don't know, Sawyer." She lowered her eyes and turned her back on him, going down the stairs until the kitchen. Sawyer followed her to the kitchen and grabbed her arm, but she managed to fee herself. Turning back to her, Sawyer realized she was crying even harder. "I don't know! I don't want you to be like him! I don't want you to end up like him..."

"Like who? Like Jack? I ain't gonna beat you..."

"Not Jack!" she almost yelled, getting closer to him "I don't want you to end up like _him_. I don't want you to die for me! Please Sawyer, you have to leave me, or you'll die and I won't be able to live..." Sawyer grabbed Kate's arms when he felt her breaking down and held her standing in front of him. He felt like he was about to break down himself, and as he was about to start talking, he realized his voice was just as broken as hers.

"Stop it, Kate! I won't die because of you! If I die, it will be because of me, it will be because I'm a stupid redneck who fell for the wrong girl." He stepped back and sighed. "And wanna know what? I don't care if I die. I deserve to die, and so do you. We're criminals, Freckles; what did you expect?" getting closer to her again, he stared down at her eyes. The kitchen was silent when he stopped talking, and he felt Kate getting closer to him, searching for his eyes. "But at least we'll die together."

He didn't anticipate her move this time, so he was surprised when she raised her hands to his face and kissed him slowly. Her lips touched his ever so softly, and he raised his hands to her shoulder blades, pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. Soon they were both breathless and dizzy; Kate broke the kiss, breathing heavily.

Sawyer looked at her eyes and was confronted with a look of lust he had never seen in her. It was uncanny because it wasn't just lust, it was so much more than that. It was a look of complete abandonment, like she was giving herself to him. Sawyer kissed her nose softly, as he grabbed the back of her thighs and pulled her up, making her sit on the counter, and raising her head to the same level as his.

They kissed deeply, as if they would drown without each other's touch, each other's hands. Sawyer lifted Kate's skirt, running his hands through her legs without stopping the kiss, while she unbuttoned his shirt. As they broke apart for a moment, Kate studied Sawyer's face, bringing her hands and lips to him, kissing and caressing him softly.

Sawyer took his own shirt off and sent it to the other corner of the kitchen, as he kissed Kate again. They were lost into each other, they were made of flesh alone; hands, mouths, legs, sweat, their bodies clashing against each other as they moaned together. Mouth to mouth, hand in hand.

Kate unbuttoned the button of Sawyer's jeans through the kiss, and pulled them down with her legs, lowering her hand to grab him. She heard his moan in the back of her throat, and couldn't avoid a laughter, that came out of her mouth as soon as she realized he was fumbling with the fabric of her skirt to get to her core. Smiling, she pulled his head up and kissed him, pulling the skirt up herself and allowing him to do whatever he wanted. He looked down and smiled, moving his kisses to her neck and now naked shoulders. Kate pressed her forehead against Sawyer's neck as he entered her, making her sigh deeply, and bit his shoulder. He winced in pain but didn't move, giving her the cue she needed to keep doing that. Her hands were on his back, and he felt her fingernails digging into his skin as they got closer to their peak, inciting him to go further, harder, quicker.

It was like exorcizing demons: the two of them clinging to each other, both sweaty and, in Sawyer's case, bloody. The marks on his back were deep, as if Kate wanted to brand him, turn him into her property. She bit her own lip as hard as she could when reached her climax, quickly followed by his sigh into her shoulder, and suddenly the entire world stopped, leaving just the two of them, breathing hard and ragged, dizzy from the power of their own lovemaking.

As the effects of their climaxes wore off, Kate pulled Sawyer's head back, staring into his eyes for a long while. He just stood there, his forehead against hers, kissing her softly from time to time, letting her kiss his cheekbone, his eyes, his nose.

Kate pulled his face closer, unable to stop touching him. Poking his nose with hers, she smiled, and kissed his cheek slowly. "Thank God for you."

She felt Sawyer smile against her shoulder, and heard him speak in a lazy voice. "You goin' religious on me, Freckles?" Kate rolled her eyes and smacked his arm lightly, while they were still holding each other.

"You're such a jerk." She whispered these words into his ear, in a loving voice that susprised both of them. Sawyer laughed lightly and pulled away from her, just enough to pull his pants up. He turned his back on her long enough to find his shirt and put it on, approaching her again when he was dressed. She was still in the same position, sitting back, her head against the counter, her legs open on the marble of the counter, her skirt covering just the beginning of her thighs. Her eyes were closed ans she had a smile on her face, her cheeks blushed and her lips slightly open.

It was a picture of perfection, in Sawyer's eyes. She was just lying there, her whole body exhaused from the lovemaking and the break down, in complete abandonment. It was beautiful to see, her chest rising and falling slowly, her hands relaxed, placed in her lap, her legs exposed and open. It was the epitome of sensuality, and Sawyer couldn't bring himself to stay put and moved towards her, placing his hands on her thighs and dropping a kiss on her exposed chest. Kate's hand moved up and softly touched Sawyer's hair, and then his face and his neck.

Kate's head snapped when he heard the front door knocking. Her hand instinctively grabbed Sawyer's hand and she looked at the kitchen door, lowering her skirt with the free hand. Hopping down from the counter, she heard the voices raising and approaching the door, until they stopped at the entrance.

They analysed each other, and Sawyer put himself in front of Kate, as if to shield her. Jack's expression was a mix of surprise and rage, while Margo just stood there, a satisfied smile on her face and her index finger in front of her mouth, until she spoke.

"See Jack? I told you it was a good idea to come home early, darling."


	25. Chapter 25

_Hey guys! _

_I just wanted to thank you all for the wonderful reviews, especially to my** Ceci**, who's one of my best friends and has been an amazing supporter since the first chapter of this fic. Thank you, darling. -hug-_

_And... I wanted to apologize for the delay, really. I've been very busy with school and stuff, so it's been kind of hard for me to write. there are still 6 chapters left on this fic, and I'm planning to finish it on January/February. _

_oh, and after you read this chapter... please don't kill me. :D_

_-Lu_

**--------------------------------**

**Chapter 25**

"See Jack? I told you it was a good idea to come home early, darling."

Kate turned her eyes from Margo to Jack in a moment, watching as the older woman took a step in her direction. Sawyer took a step in front of her and shielded Kate, as if he was afraid her mother-in-law would hurt her. Margo stared at him with a cynical smile, while her finger was still in front of her lips, as if she was thinking, contemplating, considering.

Kate felt her stomach shrink with the adrenaline that was starting to run on her veins. It was just too much, too dangerous. She had messed up. She had been careless enough to have sex with sawyer on her own kitchen, and now jack and Margo were there to punish her. It was wrong, it was all wrong: her being with Sawyer, her being with Jack, even being alive seemed dark and twisted, in that moment. It was like a dream, one of those dreams she couldn't escape, which would always haunt her. Dead Wayne, dead Tom, dead Diane. And now she was afraid she'd have to add dead Sawyer to the list.

Kate's eyes turned to the cabinet where she kept the knives away from Ella, expecting Jack's eyes to follow her look. It was almost as if she was leading him into opening the cabinet and taking the knives out, using them on her and Sawyer. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe they should both die.

"So, here we are." Margo said, her voice catching everyone's attention "Jack, my darling, I assume this was the man who left you in such a terrible shape last week…"

Sawyer took a step forward, smiling. Kate could se the con man in him coming out, his seducing smile and sexy swagger putting on a display that was a bit too distracting.

"What's momma gonna do about it? Beat the nasty boy with a stick?" he growled, getting closer to Margo. She smiled a bit as he circled her, his soft breath on her neck. Sawyer was convinced he could con their way out of the house, Kate was pretty sure he couldn't. The look on Margo's face was undeniable: she didn't give a shit about the man who was walking around her.

"So Jack, what are you going to do? You have these two here, waiting for their death sentence. What's it gonna be, sweetheart?" Margo lulled, taking a step away from Sawyer and placing herself right next to Jack, who was looking away from the scene, his lips pursed in a wicked grin as he tried at all costs to avoid the confrontation. His eyes moved to Kate's softly and he smiled.

Not a big smile, and not even a scary, violent on, like the one he'd given her before starting to strangle her. It was a calm, decided smile, as if he has just realized something. Kate saw her chance to speak and used it. Leaning her body against the center counter, and positioning herself in front of him, she smiled dearly.

"Jack. Please. All I want is to be able to move on and have Ella with me. You have to allow me to…"

"Oh, shut up, Susan!" Margo screamed, slowly walking towards her son. Jack lowered his eyes and didn't say a word. "You wanted to leave my son, you even got a man to beat him up…" Margo's voice was low and shocked, as if she was telling the tale to a friend of hers, but Sawyer cut her off.

"Well, he deserved it!" Margo's eyes turned cold, and Kate shivered. The old woman was staring at Sawyer in a threatening way, as if she could burn a hole through his head with her stare alone. Kate's fingers tingled with fear and with the urge to find a gun and shoot it against that woman's chest. God, how she wished Sawyer wasn't such a bully.

"How come?" Margo asked, faking interest as if she was talking to a child.

"He almost strangled me." Those were Kate's first words towards Margo that evening, and apparently, they were having the desired effect. Margo's interest suddenly raised up, as her eyes met Kate's and they stared at each other in a silent declaration of war. "Your son beat me up as well, and he almost killed me."

"Well then, I guess you _deserved_ it." Margo's voice came out slow and cold, provocative, as if she was waiting for Kate to jump on her and beat her up in the same way Sawyer had beaten Jack up.

Kate's eyes widened as the words came out of the other woman's mouth. How could she do it? Was there a way she could turn the guilt around? Suddenly, all the guilt Kate had been covering for years surfaced in her eyes, as they filled with tears. She saw herself in her old bathroom, when she was fourteen years old, trying to conceal the evidences of Wayne's abuse. The marks of his hands on her hips, on her chest. The guilt that always came up afterwards, his own words. '_You're the one who's constantly teasing me. If you really were innocent, you wouldn't walk around the house in those shorts'_. That mix of rage and guilt came upon her like a wave, making her take a step back while Sawyer placed himself in front of her again.

"Come again?" he asked in a growl, his eyes becoming just as cold as Margo's.

"Well, you heard me." Her eyes were still turned towards Kate, as if she was replying to _her_ question, not his. "You betrayed my son, so you deserved the beating."

Kate's eyes snapped out of the trance she was in quickly. Looking at Jack and realizing he was just one of Margo's puppets, she took a step forward, pushing Sawyer out of her way, until she stood in front of Margo. "_I_ was the on who betrayed him? _I _was the cheating whore?" Kate smiled "Then ask your son who the hell Ana Lucia is."

Margo's eyes widened as she referred to Ana's name, and Kate heard Sawyer mumble a low '_touché_' on her back, making her want to smile triumphantly. She fought the smile, though, as she saw Margo's face going from elegantly pale to raging red. Jack lifted his eyes from the counter, staring at Kate in disbelief.

"I never betrayed Jack. Nothing happened between Sawyer and me, until the day Jack tried to beat me up. Not one thing." Her almost apologetic tone made Sawyer laugh bitterly and turn his back on the trio, bracing himself against the kitchen counter.

"How… How do you know about her?" Jack asked, while Margo looked away.

"You weren't very careful. And I met her a while ago." Placing herself in front of Jack again, Kate spoke softly, looking into his eyes. "She's a good woman, Jack. And I know she loves you. You could be with her, and I would be with Sawyer, and everything would be alright." Kate's smile widened as she saw Jack smiling in reply.

That wasn't the Jack from the last few months, the guilty, cold and domineering Jack that had beat her up. The man she saw in that smile was the Jack she married, the Jack she had loved, not so long ago. It was almost if the guilt had washed away and his smile was back, with his light and his good self. They stared at each other in silence, for a moment, recognizing their old selves in each other, until he spoke.

"Okay." He smiled like a kid who had just been given the Christmas gift he had been awaiting for months "It'll be better for Ella to stay with you." His smile saddened a bit, while Kate's smile widened, and her freckles seemed to be willing to jump out of her face at any moment. "You have to let me see her, though."

"Yeah, sure. Whenever you want to." Both of them seemed to be immersed in a dream. It was surreal, that they were both agreeing on something, Kate felt like she was in a bad movie, in which everyone accepted each other's flaws and lived happily ever after. She couldn't believe Jack was finally setting her free, giving her the freedom to be with Sawyer and Ella, alone. And apparently, Jack was thinking the exact same thing.

Their dreamland was suddenly interrupted by Margo's voice. She had approached Jack in a matter of seconds, and Kate suddenly realized that it had only been a second since she'd last spoken. "Jack, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"It's for the best, mother." His smile disappeared as he turned to Margo, and stared at her shocked face.

"It is not for the best, Jack! You've come here to save your marriage, not to trash it!" she screamed, loosing control over her voice.

"There's no marriage, mom." Kate took a step back and was welcomed by Sawyer's firm hand on her lower back, which made her smile. Looking up at him, she saw his smile through his worried features and silently took his hand in hers, hiding it behind her back.

"There is a marriage, and you're going to save it, Jack! You have your reputation, you have your name… there's never been a divorce on this family, my son won't be the first!" Margo's voice was shrieking and uncontrolled, while Jack put his hands on his waist, on of his usual movements, and looked away from his mother. As soon as Margo said the last word, he smiled and looked back at her.

"There is no marriage. I don't love Susan, mom, not anymore."

"She don't love you either…" Kate was unable to stop Sawyer from saying that line, and as she felt her face redden, she raised her hands to her face, smiling and kicking his foot in a loving, tender punishment.

Jack and Margo, however, seemed to be in a world of their own, ignoring Sawyer's remark and arguing in their own way.

"I don't love Susan mom, I love Ana. And I'm choosing her! Ana is the woman I want, not Susan." His exasperate tone frightened Kate, who was scared of seeing him give into his mother's will.

What really frightened Kate, however, was the restless, menacing tone Margo had assumed. Her eyes followed her hands closely as she saw the older woman reach into her back and draw a .9mm gun from her purse, pointing it at Sawyer and Kate.

"If you kids can't take care of your businesses, I will."

It was as if the world had stopped. Kate watched in slow motion as Jack's eyes widened at the sight of the gun and assumed a defence position, placing both his hands on the counter. Kate didn't need to look at Sawyer's face to imagine the look of surprise in his face. His left hand, still in her lower back, clenched the fabric of her shirt as her own hands clench his right hand, still lost between them.

Kate couldn't breathe for a moment. It was if all the air had disappeared, as if her lungs were compressed against a concrete wall that wouldn't let her intake the air she needed to survive. Holding Sawyer's hand tighter she observed the scene as if she was a stranger, out of her own body. She saw herself, leaning against Sawyer and the counter they had just had sex upon, the tears starting to come to her eyes again. She saw her man's defensive position, his torso in front of hers, his body keeping her from any danger. She saw the fear in his eyes, the same fear that had put her to tears an hour before: the fear of loosing her. She observed at his eyes went cold and dark when Margo turned the gun to him, and then to Jack.

Kate also saw what happened next in slow motion.

Taking the fact that Margo was not pointing the gun at her son, Sawyer jumped at her, slapping her face and shoving the old woman to the floor. The gun was dropped, as a humiliated Margo tried to stand up but was kept in place by Sawyers hands.

"Don't you ever point a gun at Kate again, you hear me?" Margo's eyes widened as Sawyer spoke her name.

"Kate? Who the hell is Kate?" Jack spoke out his mother's question, as his eyes turned to Kate. "Susan?"

Suddenly, Kate seemed to snap out of the second trance, moving towards Jack, who was regarding her with curiosity. "My name is not Susan."

"What?" Jack and Margo asked in unison, as Sawyer made picked the gun from the floor and pointed it at Margo, whose face was marked in the exact same spot Jack had marked Kate, who allowed herself to enjoy the symmetry of the situation, for a moment.

"Freckles, we gotta go." Sawyer said in a hurry tone. Kate looked at Jack's eyes apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry." She pleaded, as she swallowed back the tears.

"Who _are_ you?" Both their heads turned to Sawyer and Margo as the old woman slapped Sawyer, eliciting a violent reaction from him, who pinned her roughly against a wall, slapping her face too. Jack walked out in his mother's defence, starting another fight with Sawyer.

Kate saw the two men struggling against each other on the floor for a moment, while Margo seemed to regain her composure, even through a bleeding lip and a purple cheek. Starting to react suddenly, she grabbed the gun from the floor and pointed it at her mother-in-law, who looked at her with a dangerous look in her eyes.

"Kate! Run to the car, I'll be right behind you!" Sawyer screamed at her, but she couldn't move. She wouldn't leave the room without him, she wouldn't leave him alone with the two of them. Pointing the gun at Margo's head, she pressed the old woman against the wall and kicked Jack's Back, in order to get him to look at her.

"Jack, let Sawyer get up." Jack looked away with a smile, while Sawyer glared at Kate. Feeling herself shrink under his glare, Kate decided it wasn't the right time to indulge Sawyer's sense of masculinity. "I said let him get up!" Jack moved himself away from Sawyer, lifting his hands in the air, while Sawyer got up on his feet. Kate studied his face carefully for a moment; he had a bleeding lip, a gash just above his eyebrow and a purple stain starting to show just under his left eye. Jack was in a similar state, minus the eyebrow gash and plus the broken nose. Kate pointed her gun at Margo's cheek as Jack moved to the other side of the room, at her orders. Picking the car keys from the counter, she threw them at Sawyer, who caught the, deftly. "Start the car, I'll be right behind you."

"There's no way I'm leavin' ya here." He said coldly, as he stood in the same place. She couldn't help a smile from coming to her face, as she thanked him silently. Pointing the gun at Margo, Kate ordered her to move towards Jack and walked out of the kitchen, closing the door and locking them in.

Sawyer moved towards the door and opened it for her, smiling as they both left the house. They ran to his car, parked right in front of the house. Walking into the car, Sawyer started it quickly and drove his way out of the neighbourhood. When they were already taking a turn to the road that would lead them to town, Kate examined Sawyer's face and touched him for the first time since he had started the fight with Margo and Jack.

He winced in pain when Kate touched his eyebrow, looking away from her, he hadn't said a word, and she knew he was mad at her for taking over the fight. Sighing and letting herself fall back against the car seat, Kate let her head fall on her hand and looked through the window.

"What was I supposed to do, Sawyer?" she said in a low voice. He didn't reply, didn't even breathe harder. It was almost as if he hadn't heard her. She knew he was just blocking her out, punishing her for interfering in what he considered to be a matter of masculine honour. "I wasn't gonna leave you behind, and you know it."

"You should have."

"No I shouldn't! I would never leave you behind. If you stay, I stay too." She said in a determined, sure voice. His eyes turned towards her, and she saw the raw emotion in them, the way he was looking at her, with all the unconsumed passion that he still kept inside, afraid to give himself all at once. Kate raised her hand and touched his face again, as he turned his eyes to the dark, empty road. He didn't wince, this time, but instead, brought a hand to cover hers, pulling her hand towards her mouth and kissing her palm.

Their moment was interrupted when they heard the noise of another car, shrieking through the road and for Sawyer's cell phone, that started to ring in that moment. Looking Back, Sawyer and Kate realized it was Jack's car, the one behind them, and that Margo was the one driving.

"Fasten the seat belt, freckles." Sawyer growled. As the phone kept ringing, Kate found a way to pull the seat belt from Sawyer's side and buckle it for him, while he looked at her in disbelief.

" I said _your_ seat belt, Freckles."

"Shut up and drive." Sitting down and fastening her own belt, Kate finally found time to look at the phone screen, realizing it was Christian. "Yeah."

"Kate. You gotta get out of your house, Margo and Jack aren't in the cape house! I'm on my way to your place, but…" Christian's voice was nervous and it sounded like he was driving as well.

"They caught us at home, Chris. It's too late for that." Kate looked back and her eyes met Margo's. Her stomach shook with fear when she saw the brutal way the old woman was staring at them. "We're driving away, but Margo and Jack are catching up with us. They're right after us, Chris."

"Who's driving their car?"

"Margo."

"Damn it!" Christian seemed to have crashed the phone against the steering wheel, only to get it back and talk through it. Kate eyed Sawyer with an apprehensive look her face, and watched his focused features as he drove. "Kate, Margo hates to drive. She's terrible at it. I'm on my way there, which road did you take?"

"The old one. We thought it was less likely…"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll meet you." Kate looked back as Christian hang up the phone, and held on to the seat as Sawyer described a tight curve that made both cars screech on the road. They made it safely, but Kate didn't see the other car make the curve behind them. Not taking her eyes of the road they had left behind, Kate realized they had crashed against the side of the road when she saw on of the SUV wheels rolling down the road.

"Go back." She said in a low voice, almost as an afterthought.

"What? What the hell are you talkin' about?" Sawyer asked, still focused on the road.

"They crashed, Sawyer, we gotta get back!" Sawyer kept driving forward, until Kate smacked his arm. "Go. Back." She ordered. Sawyer rolled his eyes at her and sighed, taking a U turn and driving back to the place they had crashed.

Kate covered her mouth in shock when she saw the crash site.

The SUV was turned upside down on the road, the pressure applied on the driver's side. There were car pieces all over the place: two of the wheels had come out and rolled onto the road, oil marks and tyre marks filled the floor and there was a trace of blood leading to the place where the car must have slid, already upside down. Sawyer stopped the car in the middle of the road, not worrying about other cars. That road was pretty much deserted, everyone used the highway. As soon as he stopped the car, Kate jumped out and ran to the SUV, kneeling beside it but getting up in a jump, turning her back on the car.

Sawyer lowered himself to the ground and realized Kate had looked at Margo's face, which was now turned into a mix of blood, loose skin, broken bones and grey matter, spilling all over the place. Feeling an urge to vomit, Sawyer looked away and took a deep breath, while he saw Kate standing in the middle of the street, mumbling something incomprehensible. Looking at Jack, he saw his face as a blur, covered in deep bruises and blood, even though it was nothing compared to his mother. Sawyer took another deep breath and looked for Margo's pulse in her arm, just to be physically sure of something he was certain about in his head. Feeling no pulse, he let the arm fall down and reached for Jack's pulse. There was none, either. Getting up from the floor, he walked towards Kate, that stared at the car in shock, trembling and moving her eyes as if she was hearing voices.

"Kate. Kate, look at me." He pulled her head up as he spoke, making her focus her attention in his eyes. "They're gone. They're both gone."

"No. No, no, no, no, no." She mumbled into his chest as he embraced her, her fists clenching his shirt tightly. She was shaking like a leaf, and her pale face told him she could pass out at any moment.

He silently thanked God or whatever existed up there, when he saw Christian's car take the curve and stop right near them. Getting out of the car, he ran to Kate and grabbed her face.

"Kate, are you okay? Are you alright?" he asked, a worried expression on his face. Sawyer placed a hand on his shoulder and moved his head, indicating the crash.

"She's alright, doc. But about the other two…" Christian looked at the crash and then away, as if he was too scared to go there. Taking a deep breath, he moved himself towards Margo's side, looking at his face for a moment, with a blank expression. He checked her pulse in the same way Sawyer had and then moved up, staring coldly at his wife's arm. Moving around the car, he took a deep breath before kneeling down and looking at Jack's state. Sawyer looked at Kate, who was observing the scene with teary eyes, turned his back on her, leaving her alone in the middle of the street and leaning against his own car.

Kate started to cry as she heard Christian's muffled cry, as soon as he saw Jack.

"Oh God, Jack." He cried and then lowered himself to catch his arm, looking for a pulse. "Margo, what have you done? He mumbled as he tried to fin his son's pulse. Kate got closer to him and stood beside him, the tears finally springing from her eyes like a fountain.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Chris. I killed them, I killed them in the same way I killed Tom, in the same way I killed my dad." Kate was now starting to break down in front of Christian, who was crying as well.

Christian held Jack's hand in his own, kissing it, while Kate sobbed uncontrollably, while standing up in the middle of the road. Sawyer watched from a distance, but found himself too weak to go over there and hold Kate against himself. He was feeling the same sense of guilt she was feeling. They were made of the same matter, wood of the same tree. They were alike, even in suffering. They had to be alone, enjoy their guilt, go down with it.

Suddenly, Christian's head jerked up, and he lowered himself again.

"He's got a pulse." He said out loud, to Kate and Sawyer's surprise. Kate got closer to him, as Christian struggled to get Jack out of the car, and with Kate's help, they laid the broken body on the ground beside them. Christian looked up at Kate, who was staring at jack's body in disbelief. "Kate."

She said nothing, staring at the body.

"Kate! I need you to focus!" he screamed at her, while Sawyer looked away. Kate snapped out of her observatory state and looked down at Christian, who was holding his cell phone out for her. "Call 911 and tell them we got a possibly broken spine, lacerations to head and chest and…"

Kate turned her back on her father-in-law as she called the emergency number, trying not to cry. After giving them the indications, she returned the cell phone to Chris, looking back at the barely alive body in front of her. Her eyes widened again as she felt herself tremble, and Christian looked up at her.

"Kate. Kate, honey, I need you to tell Sawyer to go away…" Christian's voice was soft and caring, but Kate jumped back, defensive.

"No. No, I'm not going to." She wiped the tears from her face quickly. "It's not his fault, it's not… it's my fault." Kate got away from Christian, moving to the road again and looking up at the dark sky.

It was her fault. Margo's death, Jack's state, they were all her fault. She had another death on her back, to join Tom and Wayne's. She wondered, for a second, if they would all meet her on other side and get revenge. She was evil, she deserved it; she did bad things to people, everyone around her got invariably hurt. She was a jinx, something made of pure bad luck and evilness, drawing all the possible tragedies towards her. The only thing missing in her long resume was a plane crash in which she was the only survivor.

Walking back to Christian, Kate swallowed her tears and lowered herself to his level, expecting not to look so broken outside as she was inside.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I need you to send Sawyer away. If the cops ask, we were driving both cars to town, and you were in mine. Margo and Jack lost control of the car and hit the side of the road." Kate nodded silently, getting up from the floor and getting ready to walk towards Sawyer, when she heard Chris' voice behind her. "It's not your fault, Kate."

"Yes, it is." She said calmly, as she walked towards the car.

Sawyer was leaning against the car, his hands gripping the car ceiling as he stared at the floor beneath his feet. He was breathing slowly, and it was only at that time that Kate realized it had been only about five minutes since they had crashed. It had seemed like an hour.

Kate placed her hand on Sawyer's back, waiting for him to look at her. When he did, she saw herself mirrored in his eyes, the fear and guilt mixing at the surface of his face, his skin. She wanted to touch him, feel him against herself and let her mind get lost in his guilt, his pride, his anger. She wanted to disappear against his body, let her cells get lost in his and never find their way back, because they had finally discovered their function. They would be one and together, at all times. They were both discovering, in that moment, the magnitude of their feelings for each other, the passion and the need they felt and were now allowing to grow to a different level. The word love sprung to their minds as Kate touched his face, and he looked down at her in amazement.

"I need you to leave." Her voice broke in the last word, and she allowed the tears to fall from her eyes. "I need you to leave now."

"What? Why?" he asked, confused. Kate sobbed and closed her eyes, trying to find the words to explain.

"When the paramedics get here, there'll be questions. We want them to think I was with Chris. So you have to leave, right now." Kate tugged on his shirt, toying with the buttons, until he caught her chin and kissed her roughly, determinedly, passionately. Kate sobbed into his mouth as he kissed her, pulling her body closer to his and feeling how her hands trekked up his arms and neck, grabbing the back of his head. The kiss seemed to be endless, loving, tender and violent at the same time. Kate felt herself go limp on Sawyer's arms, but she didn't care. She was crying into his mouth, wetting his face and mouth with her tears, but he didn't care either. They were beyond that kind of feeling, that kind of worry. There were no barriers, no walls, no resisting, holding back. In that moment, they belonged to each other and each other alone.

Sawyer slowly broke up the kiss, pulling away from Kate's mouth to kiss her wet cheek. Kate's arms went up to his necked, and they crashed against each other, clinging to each other's bodies fiercely, not wanting to let go. Kate put her mouth on Sawyer's ear and was about to say the words when it occurred to her that she wasn't saying goodbye forever. She was just sending him home for a night, She'd be with him the next day, and every other day of her life.

"I'll be seeing you." She whispered, laying a soft kiss on his upper cheek, right on the spot that was starting to get purple. He kissed the spot where her neck met her shoulder softly, and then her forehead.

"I'll be waitin'." He got into his car, as Kate tried hard to smile. Finally able to do it, she smiled until he disappeared on the road, and then leaned against Christian's car and started to sob.


	26. Chapter 26

**Okay, I just wanted to say that this chapter is, basically, the reason I'm writing this fiction. You'll see it when you read it, that there's a part that includes a song, and that was the part I've been wanting to write sine I had the idea of a story. That's the reason Kate was married, so this chapter could actually be written. And that's the reason she was married to _Jack_, of all people. And it feels kind of weird that I've actually wrote it, because it means we're near the end, now, and that makes me… well, terribly sad. :) I'm starting to get the feeling that too many things in my life are coming to an end, now. :p**

**So, the song I used belongs to Patty Griffin and is called 'Long Ride Home'. **

**And one more thing, and seriously now: please don't kill me. **

**And yet another thing: Ceci, this one's for ya. **

**Chapter 26**

She stared at the white wall in front of her eyes, leaning back against the bench she was sitting on. Her eyes got lost in the empty whiteness of the wall, in the way her brain processed that image, picturing small forms on the blank surface. She saw shadows, shadows of herself and Ella, shadows of Jack, Margo and Christian. She saw Shannon, Ana Lucia, Boone and Sabrina Carlyle. She saw Claire, Tom, Aaron and the little baby that was yet to come. Later on, she saw her mother, her father, Wayne and her one of her school friends, Beth. The last shadows she saw were of Tom and Sawyer, walking down an empty road together, aiming towards the same point.

And after that, she couldn't remember anything.

"Susan!" Kate's eyes snapped open as she heard Shannon's voice, and felt her soft hand on her shoulder. Opening her eyes, it took her a few moments to realize where she was. Yes, she was in the hospital. In that very same bench she was in when Jack had the other accident, with Ana Lucia. She had been asleep for… how long? Two hours? Maybe three?

Turning her eyes to meet Shannon's, Kate couldn't help the tears that sprung to her eyes. "Hey there." Her friend smiled lightly and put her arms around Kate, who gladly accepted the comfort. She leaned into her friend's arms and sighed, grasping Shannon's long sleeved shirt. Looking at the door of the OR, Kate felt her stomach jump with grief, her hands shake with fear of the outcome of that situation.

Jack was back. She had been so glad that he was back, his old loving, tender self, and now he was laying on an operation table, his spine shattered and his ability to ever walk again lost forever. It was her fault. If she hadn't run away with Sawyer, that would have never happened. If she hadn't left him, it would have never happened.

Worse. If she had swallowed her pride and stayed with him even though she knew he had an affair, this wouldn't be happening. Kate could think of a thousand ways she could have influenced this situation, and the guilt was starting to take over her mind and her body. Shannon felt Kate's body go rigid on her arms and she pulled her up, meeting the face of a dark, hard Kate, whose eyes were now cold and somewhat frightening.

"Kate. Kate, are you okay?" she asked, but Kate answered her question with such a broken look that she could do nothing but take her hands in hers.

"Where's Ella?" she asked, her voice breaking slightly, while Shannon drew small circles on Kate's hand. It was amazing, for Shannon, to see how that child and her mother looked alike. If it wasn't for the eyes, which were clearly Jack's, she would have assumed Ella had been generated spontaneously.

"She's at Claire's. I told her about the accident, she said she'd keep Ella with her for the night, and for the time you need." Shannon took a strand of hair that was lingering on Kate's face, tucking it behind her ear.

"Good. It's a good place for her to be." Kate sighed. She had to say it, she had to let Shannon know. "If something happens to me… or Jack… you know you'll be the one to take Ella, right?" Shannon's face went pale as she pulled Kate into a hug, allowing her to cry into her shoulder and crying herself, not only out of fear, but also because of how connected she was feeling to her best friend. Kate was trusting her with her child, and there was nothing bigger than that.

"Nothing's gonna happen to you, Kate." Shannon sobbed, as she felt Kate's hands resting on her back. "Nothing _can_ happen you."

"You don't know that." Kate replied into Shannon's hair, with another sob.

"Shut up." Shannon whispered these words into her hair, a small smile spreading on her teary face. Her eyes raised to the OR door, as she saw it opening slowly. Raising herself from the hug, her face told Kate to turn around and look.

Christian stopped at the door, sighing deeply and leaning against the doorframe for support. Kate raised herself from the bench, taking Shannon with her, her eyes locked with Christian's, and she approached him. His blue eyes were filled with tears, his scrubs stained with blood and his hands, usually so precise, so perfectly accurate, were shaking uncontrollably. He looked away from Kate, his eyes getting lost in the long hallway as he took his cap in his hand and threw it to the floor.

Kate and Shannon stopped in the middle of the hallway, and Shannon took a step back, giving the two of them some space. When Christian's eyes returned to Kate, she saw him at his lowest, in the worst position she'd ever seen him.

He was broken. She knew the words even before he had said them, because his face was telling her everything she needed to know. It was like he was drowning. The air seemed to be stopped at his throat, not really going all the way down to his lungs; his breathing was ragged, irregular, and he kept looking at every possible place, trying to focus his eyes on something but failing miserably. He was utterly and completely broken. And suddenly, Kate stopped feeling her body, stopped breathing. She stopped _being_. All she could feel was the shadow of herself, a faint, vague feeling that she was there, inside a hospital, waiting to know if her soon to be ex-husband was going to walk again or not.

"My son. Kate, my son." Christian moaned these words and rested his head on the hand that was supporting his weight against the doorframe. "My son." He whispered.

Kate approached him, placing a soft hand on his back. "It's okay. I don't care if he walks or not. We're here to take care of him." she whispered into his ear. She heard a sob and he turned his face to meet hers. He was crying openly, now, his face crumpled into a deformed mass as he stared at her.

"No, Kate. My son." He spoke quietly, though clenched teeth, as if his voice was still the only thing he had under control. As if he had to give the news to the family, as if he had to maintain the composure his body was loosing by keeping his voice at a low, controlled pace. "We lost him. I lost him." Kate took her hand away from his back and took a step back, her face blank. "He's gone."

Kate felt as if the walls were caving in. No. this couldn't be happening, this wasn't happening to her. No. it couldn't be. Jack couldn't be gone, he couldn't be dead, he couldn't be lost. No. it wasn't real, that whole situation wasn't real, she wasn't real. No, none of those things were really there. She would probably wake up in her bed, with Jack sleeping beside her. No. Shannon was not really holding her against her chest, she wasn't really sobbing, dry sobs that held no tears. No. None of that was real. None of that _could_ be real. Jack couldn't be gone.

Reality came down upon here again when she heard the noise of Christian's punches against the wall. He was hurting himself, he was punching the walls with the hands that were worth millions of dollars, and Kate couldn't really say if the blood from the wall was from hi scrubs or from his hand, that was starting to swell. Freeing herself from Shannon's embrace, Kate walked to Christian and held him against her, taking him away from the wall as she let herself slide down and sit on the floor, Christian's head resting on her chest as she looked forward, not able to cry. As she fell down, she thought of Sawyer, of Ana Lucia. She thought she had to call him. From the corner of her eye, she could see Shannon, leaning against the other wall, sobbing into the hands that were closing upon her face.

Kate and Shannon entered Kate's house, leaving their purses on the hall and entering the kitchen. Kate felt like someone was stomping on her chest. It hurt, was heavy, not allowing her to breathe conveniently. Looking through the window, she saw Claire coming out of her house with the two kids, her big, pregnant belly showing up more than anything else. Ella was running ahead, and Claire was trying to control her, to take her hand so the girl would stop running. She had her eyes covered in tears, as if she had felt something. Kate's stomach immediately jumped at the sight of her little girl, and she ran outside, arriving at the driveway just in time to hold her daughter's body against hers.

Ella clang to Kate's neck, sobbing, in the same way she had when Kate visited Shannon's house, about a week before. Kate held her against herself, feeling her tiny body abandoning itself in her arms, and closed her eyes, sighing deeply.

She had left Christian at the hospital, where he had wanted to be left alone. She hadn't cried yet: it seemed like her eyes were dry, and the more she tried to cry, the more she tried to feel it, absorb the reality, she was unable to. Deep down, the guilt she had been feeling al this time was mixing itself with the relief that death provided her, and the fact that she actually felt relieved made her feel even more guilty. She couldn't cry. Whe wouldn't allow herself to cry, to go down with him. She wouldn't allow herself to feel sorry, to feel better because she felt like her sins had been forgiven. They hadn't. She still had the guilt on her shoulders, and the thought of Sawyer's hands on her body made her feel both comforted and blameable.

Kate felt Shannon standing right behind her, and taking a step forward as soon as a very pregnant Claire reached them, gasping for air and looking at them inquisitively. Shannon had told her about the accident, and she was obviously worried, but somehow, the thought that the man operating on Jack was his father, the renowned Christian Shepherd, gave her some peace of mind. Now, however, the news seemed to indicate otherwise.

Shannon moved her head in a negative motion, while Claire brought her free hand to her mouth, covering it and feeling the tears coming up to her eyes. She took Aaron in her arms, as well as the belly allowed her to, and held him against herself, while the boy tried to reach out for Ella, hoping to comfort her. Claire moved closer to Kate and placed a hand on her face, letting her forehead touch her friend's. the two kids were now together, and while Ella cried, Aaron had his hand on her back, and was stroking it softly, as Kate told Ella that her daddy was dead. And as she felt Ella sobbing harder into her neck, Kate finally allowed herself to cry.

"You ready, baby?" Kate entered Ella's room, only to find an empty bed. Peeking through the room, she saw no sign of Ella, which made her stomach jump like crazy. That wasn't good. That couldn't be good. They were supposed to leave for Jack's funeral in ten minutes and her daughter was nowhere to be found.

It had been almost a week. Almost a week since Margo and Jack had died in that car crash, a week since she had been with Sawyer, a week since she had achieved the freedom she needed. She didn't want to think about it just yet, but by the third night after the crash, Kate realized jack's death would be nothing but freeing, for her. And obviously, would bring a heavy burden of guilt over Kate.

She had spoken to Sawyer on the phone, during that week, but she didn't want to see him. Everything was too new, too strange for her to want to include him. she needed to be alone for a while, alone with the guilt and the pain of becoming a widow instead of a divorced woman. Their talks had been short and dry. There was no loving, tender banter, there were no sexual innuendos. There was nothing beyond the 'hello, how are you' and the whispered 'goodbye', when she was feeling to exhausted to even talk to him.

She knew exactly what he was feeling. That night was enough to prove they were alike, they had the same kind of feelings, the same conception of the world they were living in. They had the same tendency for guilt, to think that everything bad that happened around them was their fault. She knew he was feeling just as guilty as she was, and that he probably wanted to stay away for a while. She kept hoping these feelings were true, because deep down. she wanted nothing more than to go to his house and hold him close against her chest.

Kate walked through the house, looking for Ella, who would never show up. She was starting to get scared that the girl had ran away from home, not wanting to go to her dad's funeral. Ella had been the most affected by this loss, and even though she didn't show it, she was completely torn apart. Kate could hear her sobbing, at night, through the thin wall that separated their rooms. She couldn't bring herself to get up and go to her daughter's room, though. She was scared to death that Ella would think like she thought and would blame her for her father's death.

Kate looked out through the kitchen window, trying not to notice the wonderful day outside. Staring at the garden, she saw two little heads showing up, over the bushes in the garden. Walking silently towards the bushes, she tried hard not to cry when she got there: Ella was crying on Aaron's shoulder, and the little boy was trying hard not to cry, as his hand was holding her little girl's. Ella looked up at her mother and sobbed, and it was Kate's cue to lower herself down, not minding the black skirt she was wearing and take the two kids in her arms. She got them up and, as they clang fiercely through her neck, she brought them inside and sat on the couch with them, one on each side of her. Aaron still hadn't let go of Ella's hand, and was not holding it above Kate's stomach, as the two of them had rested their heads on her shoulders.

Kate allowed herself to hold the two kids tight, understanding she had been wrong all that time. She should have gone to Ella's room, at night, and taken the girl with her to her own bed. She could have comforted her four-year-old daughter, that was being stronger than the grown ups through all that mess.

Claire walked into the living room alone, and her eyes filled with tears in the moment she saw Kate holding the two kids. Smiling, she sat beside Aaron and pulled him into her lap, but the boy's arms couldn't reach out for her, because of the belly. He smiled though the tears and placed his hand on his golden curls, looking confused.

"She's in the way, mommy. Take her out." He asked, and his question was followed by Kate and Claire's laughter.

The leaves were starting to turn yellow, in that August afternoon. The two caskets were set together, side by side, and the chairs were disposed in rows in front of them. Christian, Kate and Ella were in the front row, accompanied by Stella, Margo's sister. Kate had Ella in her lap, and the girl was embracing her mother like a koala bear, her face against Kate's neck. Kate held her closely, as she felt her breathing ragged and realized she has crying. Holding her even tighter against her chest, she played with the girl's curly hair, and tried hard not to cry herself.

The ceremony was calm, quiet. There were lots of people around, and even journalists, wanting to report the funeral of the most promising spinal surgeon in the East Coast. Kate felt terribly uncomfortable with their presence, but there was nothing she could do. She hid her face in her girl's hair, as the Reverend, friend of Margo's family, talked about love and life and death, all mixed up in sentences that didn't make sense in her head. She was too busy counting the gallons of blame she had in her resume, the people she had lost in her life and how she had influenced those losses.

The first loss was obvious: her dad. Even though he wasn't dead, it was like he had died, gone, abandoned her. She was young and loved him more than anything in the world, so it was a hard blow. She had been miserable for years after that, a state of mind that was only increased by Wayne's constant assaults on her body. Second, it was Wayne, and with Wayne, her entire life. she had killed him: he was the only on she was directly responsible for killing.

After Wayne, it was Tom. And her mother, but mostly Tom. She had been guilty; she had felt lost for such a long time. Even while holding Ella in her arms, when she was born, all she could think of was the guilt of not being able to bring to this world such a pure, innocent child. Ella had her blood, and even though she was Jack's daughter as well, she had her seed. She had spent nine months on her womb; she was bound to be born with her sins, her guilt. She was bound to be such a bad person as Kate was, and as Wayne had been.

The Reverend stopped talking, and it was time for Kate to get up and throw a fist of dirt to the caskets. Christian took her hand in his, and Kate put Ella in the ground, watching as the girl looked around, searching for someone. She stopped searching when she saw Aaron running to her and holding her tiny hand in his.

Kate approached Jack's casket at the same time Christian approached Margo's, and while he threw the dirt with no ceremonies or words, she just stood there, looking down at the six feet deep hole in the floor. Lowering her body, she collected a fistful of dirt and threw it to the casket.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. Ella came to her side and, at the same time as Aaron, grabbed the dirt and threw it to the casket. It was almost like that little girl could understand what she was doing, the solemn look on her face was nothing but endearing. Kate knew the only reason she was doing it was because she had told her to, but still, there was a depth in the girl's eyes that led her to think she knew what she was doing.

Kate took a step back and let Jack's friends repeat that motion, as the crowd started to disperse. Shannon and Claire took both Ella and Aaron, and Kate sat on the chair, looking down at the caskets.

About an hour later, she was the only person there. Everyone had gone away, even the journalists, which made that place comfortably silent. Kate sighed as she saw the covered tomb, letting her head fall in her hands. When she brought her head back up, there was someone sitting by her side.

"Hey." Ana's voice was calm and controlled, as if none of that had happened to her. Kate hadn't spoken to her since the crash, She knew it had been Christian, who had told her about Jack's death. And now she was there, her eyes swollen from crying and her hands shaking as she looked at the tomb for the first time.

"Didn't think you would come." Kate said in a low voice, still not facing her. God, it was harder than she had thought.

"Neither did I." she sighed as she looked over to the rest of the cemetery, and clang to the rosary she was holding in her hand. Kate looked at it and smiled.

"I didn't know you were a catholic, too." She sighed, deeply, and Kate could feel all her rage, all her hatred turning towards her. To Ana, she was the only on who could be blamed for Jack's death.

"I'm not. Or I am, but not usually. I just like to bring it with me on funerals." Ana tried to explain, but her voice broke and she leaned back on the chair, staring at the flowers in front of them.

They stood in silence for a while. Kate couldn't quantify the time they were in silence, but she knew it had seemed longer than it actually was. During that time, both their minds wandered to the very same place, to the only love they had in common: Jack. Even though Kate was in love with Sawyer, she still loved Jack. She didn't love him like a husband, or like a lover; she loved him in the same way you love an old friend. She wanted the best for him, she wanted him to be okay. Ana, on the other hand, was his.

As she let herself wander deeply in her thoughts, Ana realized that she wouldn't have his hands on her body again: she wouldn't feel his fingers grabbing her hips as he entered, whe wouldn't feel his warm breath on her neck. She wouldn't hear his voice anymore, she wouldn't be able to hear him giggle and make fun of him. She would never see him again. She would never be with him again.

"Kate?" when her thoughts made her panic, Ana spoke. Kate turned her face slightly towards the other woman and they stared at each other in silence.

"Yeah."

"I don't think I'll ever forgive you." Her voice broke on the last word, and Kate turned her face away, feeling the tears coming up to her again. When she looked back at Ana, she realized she was crying too.

"Don't worry, I won't forgive myself either." They nodded, as if they had just made an agreement. Kate would keep the guilt, and Ana would be able to live with herself, knowing there was someone feeling just as miserable as she was. The tears started to become more abundant as Ana covered her mouth with her hand, starting to sob.

"How does one live without him?" she asked, the voice caught in her throat. Kate tried to wipe her own tears, but they kept falling, more and more. "How do I breathe without him?"

Ana shivered when Kate's hand grabbed hers and held it tight, and soon enough, Ana's head was resting on Kate's shoulder, as she sobbed deeply and Kate gently stroke her hair.

Kate drove home alone, with the car radio on, listening to a song that was more than appropriate. She drove quietly, not too fast, wanting nothing more than to feel herself light and carefree.

Still, as the song went on and she felt the sun setting upon her, the only thing that came to her mind was a roll of memories of her first times with Jack, of how adorable he was, and how much he had changed over a couple of months.

_Someone dug a hole six long feet in the ground_

_I said goodbye to you and I threw my roses down_

She smiled through the tears as she saw herself on Tom's tomb, three years after the accident. How she'd gone there just to see him, how she had felt the need to apologize, to go there and see that he was, in fact, dead.

_Ain't nothing left at all, in the end, of being proud_

_With me riding in this car and you flying through the clouds._

The sobs were starting to take over her body when she entered her driveway, and she parked her car quickly. Ella wasn't home, thank god, and it was already night, so she wouldn't have to worry about people bothering her. She could just lay down and cry herself to sleep. As if she hadn't cried enough in that week.

Getting out of the car, she walked quickly into her porch and let out a sigh as she felt a hand resting on her hip. Recognizing the hand, she opened the door and entered the house, letting him in with her. She didn't turn on the lights: they just stood there, in the dark, facing each other but unable to touch.

"How you feeling?" Sawyer asked, leaning against the wall.

"How do you think?" she replied, letting herself lean against the same wall, getting closer to him. She knew it was dangerous, she knew that once she was close enough to him, there would be no turning back.

"I missed you so damn much." He said in a husky tone. They thanked the fact that they could not see each other's faces, or they knew that sentence would be too much. Talking in the shadows, like they were now, was the safest way.

She heard his voice break down in the last word, and allowed her hand to look for his, through the darkness. When she found it, she heard him take a deep breath and pull her hand against his mouth, kissing her softly.

"Sawyer." Was all she was able to say. She wanted to tell him she loved him. That the fact that he was there, waiting for her in the darkness, told her more than his words ever could. She wanted to tell him how guilty she was feeling, how she still felt the dirt from Jack's funeral on her hands, even though she had washed them countless times. How she felt the weight of another death on her shoulders.

She didn't need to say anything. He knew, he had always known. He was feeling the exact same thing.

Sawyer's hand looked for Kate's neck in the darkness and pulled it towards him as soon as he found it, kissing her deeply. Kate allowed him to kiss her, to graze his tongue on her face and neck, to send her over the edge with his warm breath on her shoulders. She grabbed his hair and pulled him closer to her body, taking his face in her hands and kissing him deeply. He pulled her skirt up and she allowed him to guide her hips down, to meet him. They sighed into each other's mouths as he entered her, and their mouths remained glued while they moved together in soft, tiny movements. They didn't need anything else. They weren't having sex for the pleasure or for the sake of desire: they were doing it for the comfort, for the intimacy. And this was the first time they didn't need to move frantically to achieve their endings; all they had to do was stay together. Sawyer pressed his mouth against her ear.

"What would I do without you?" he asked in a growl, and she stared at his eyes. She looked abandoned, free, turned on, passionate and moved, all at the same time. She smiled a little, the same mischievous smile he had seen in her the first time they had done it, and kissed his lips with deliberate slowness, as he moved beneath her and got closer to his peak.

They finished together, while Sawyer's hands gripped Kate's hips and her hands were lost in his hair, sighing into each other's mouths and allowing themselves to stay together for a minute more.

And suddenly, it hit Kate as a plague: she was having sex in the hall of her house, after coming home from her husband's funeral. She was loving another man while the man she was still committed to was lying six feet under, dead, because of them. It was all because of them. If Sawyer wasn't there, she would still be with Jack and he would be alive. She wouldn't be suffering, and Ella wouldn't be father-less. Her connection with Sawyer wasn't enough, it just wasn't good for her. And mostly, it wasn't good for him. _She_ wasn't good for him.

In fact, she wasn't good for anyone. She caused destruction wherever she went, wasn't that what Wayne used to say? Maybe he was right, maybe he knew. Maybe he was like that as well. The image of Tom, lying dead in the car came back to her mind, and she pushed Sawyer away, getting up from the floor and pushing her own back against the wall.

Sawyer looked at her, his eyes widened with surprise, as he got up and pulled his pants up. Kate looked terrified, and he knew it was because of the guilt. It always did that. The guilt always had the same effect on him. Reaching for her face with his hand, he felt her slap his arm away and turn around.

"I think you should leave." She said, in a barely controlled voice. The fight they had before Jack shown up, in that same house, a week before, came to his mind and he cringed at the thought of her, drowning in that spiral of self-destruction again.

"What?" she turned around, her face crumpled with tears and with all the rage she was feeling in that moment. The worst, he thought, was that he knew that the rage was turned to herself, not towards him. For a moment, he wished she would hate him instead of hating herself. He wished she would truly hate him, stomp on him, beat him, even kill him, instead of fantasizing about doing it to herself.

"Leave. Please." She said, looking down, not facing him. He crossed the steps towards her and pulled her head up, kissing her violently, fiercely, wanting those thoughts to vanish from her head. She kissed him back for a moment, but then he felt her hands pushing him away. She was crying again, the sobs taking over her small frame as her closed fists hit his chest.

"Kate. Kate, please. Don't do this..." he pleaded, starting to feel his throat contracting with the tears he knew he'd never cry. Damn, it hurt. It hurt like hell to see her like that. He could take her hating him, but he couldn't take her hating herself. She pushed against him one more time, while her sobs got louder and more out of control.

"I love you… I love you so much. And I can't be with you, so please… just leave!" She pleaded, her voice breaking with every word.

He couldn't believe his ears. She had told him she loved him, right before asking him to get away from her. It was too much for him, he couldn't see her like that. He took a step back and she took the chance, pushing him out of the door and trying to close it on his face. He stopped the door with his foot and pulled her hands out, while she fought him, crying desperately. He had never seen her like that, so broken, so tired, so desperate. When she got tired, she stopped moving and let her hand rest on the door, while Sawyer watched her. Sobbing slowly now, she pushed his foot away from the door.

"I need you to leave. I'm sorry." He allowed her to close the door and as soon as she did it, he slid down against it, sitting on the floor and heard her do the same thing. Sawyer pressed his head against the wooden door and closed his eyes, trying not to let his sobs keep hers company.

When he left the porch, it was near midnight, and he had just heard her fall asleep on the floor of the hall, near the door.


	27. Chapter 27

_Hey everyone! I am so, so sorry for the delay of this chapter! I got kind of caught up in Christmas, New Year, papers to deliver and exams to study to (got one tomorrow, but who cares? LOL.) And, I thought it would probably be better if you guys (and myself too), had some time after that last chapter. It's been a while, in real time and in story time, so I guess you had time to adjust to the changes that tha last chapter brought._

_Once again, thank you all SO much for your reviews. You are too kind, seriously. _

_Oh, and I just wanted to say... ahem I slid a cameo into this chapter. So, if you see anyone you know from other... Tv series.. it's normal, you're not dreaming. LOL. _

_And, on another sidenote, I had to make Ella's birthday on my birthday. Which is also the day of the crash. LOL. Yeah. _

_Thank you all for taking this journey with me. It does mean a lot. _

**Chapter 27**

The buzzing of an electric alarm sprung on Kate's head, dragging her out of her dreams in an overly sudden way. Covering her eyes with her hands, she tried to avoid the light that was coming through the window of her bedroom, and sighed deeply. Turning on the bed, Kate willed herself to raise her body from the warm sheets and sit up, sending her legs over the edge of the bed and yawning. When she opened her eyes, they immediately rested on the mirror in front of her, which was returning the image of a groggy, sleepy Kate; not the usual sleepy and adorable Kate, but a tired, drawn out image of herself. Kate tore her eyes away from the mirror, not wanting to face the way she looked, even though she knew it was obvious to everyone. She had been feeling like crap for the last forty-two days, excusing her appearance and mood with Jack's death, even though deep down, she knew it had nothing to do with the fact that she had become a widow.

Kate hadn't seen Sawyer in exactly forty-two days. Forty-two days since she'd had sex with him on the hall of her house, forty-two days since she has asked him to leave. Forty-two days since she'd spent the night leaning against her front door, knowing he hadn't left that place. Forty-two nights without him.

Glancing at her watch, she saw the date and sighed. September 22, Ella's fifth birthday. Five years since she had become a mother, five years since she had something that was worth fighting for. Ella had been her one sure thing through those five years, and especially in these last few weeks, they had developed a bond like never before. They were together at all times: Kate had taken her away from kindergarten for a while, and took the girl wherever she went, even if it was a quick lunch with Shannon or shopping with the (now) very pregnant Claire.

Ella seemed to take Jack's death better than Kate had thought. In those dark days, right after the funeral, she had been sad, gloomy. She cried for about anything, and even though Kate made her best to cheer her up, her efforts didn't seem to have any kind of visible result. Until one day, when she left her alone at Claire's to go to town, Kate came back to a new, refreshed Ella. The girl was visibly happier, not quite as before but still joyful and giddy as a four-year-old should be. When she was bathing her, later that day, Kate asked her what had made her so happy.

"Aaron told me that his Mommy told him, that Daddy will always be with me. I just can't see him, but he's here." Looking down at her rubber duckling, Ella proceeded with her speech, not noticing the emotion she had just elicited from her mother. Kate's eyes were filled with tears, but she didn't allow them to fall. She just kept massaging Ella's back while she spoke, unable to tear her eyes away from her little girl. "You can talk to him too, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Kate's tone was so low that if Ella wasn't used to read her mother's reactions, she would have probably missed the words; they were, however, so used to each other that even if Kate hadn't opened her mouth, Ella would have heard her answer.

"Because he's here when you want him to be. And he's with me too. And I can talk to him. And then he listens and asks the angels to help me." Ella threw her duckling in the air, letting it fall on the water of the tub and laughing at the splash "Aaron told me that the _Zorgs_ live in heaven with the Angels. So Daddy must live with the _Zorgs_ too, right?"

Kate laughed at her daughter's interpretation of heaven, where her cartoon heroes lived happily with Angels and ghosts. "I'm sure he lives with the _Zorgs_. I hope he has a different bedroom, though." She said.

"Yeah. 'Cause _Lynna_ smells kinda bad." Ella made a pinched her nose and made a disgusted face, making Kate laugh even harder.

Since that day, Ella had been happier, as if the idea of having Jack with her gave the little girl the peace she needed. Kate was extremely relieved that Ella was doing better, but it killed her whenever the little girl decided to ask for Sawyer. She usually asked for 'John Smith', forcing Kate to lie and say he was travelling, so the girl wouldn't get two disappointments at once. It made her feel insanely guilty, that she had to lie to her daughter, but it was better for the little girl. Whenever she asked for him, Kate felt like sobbing right there, in front of her, but made an effort not to do it. In fact, she hadn't cried since that night, forty-two days before, when she fell asleep on the floor. When she woke up, at 4AM, she peeked outside and saw no sign of Sawyer's presence; she went to bed without a tear, and made an unconscient decision not to cry again. She would hold it all inside of herself, which would serve as sort of a punishment for what she had done.

Now, more than a month later, Kate felt like it was the time to change. It was Saturday, and she would have a party for Ella and her school friends later on the back yard. She owed her daughter a bit of joy, of happiness. And she owed her daughter a decent behaviour.

Making a sudden decision to get herself out again, to metamorphose into the old Susan everyone knew, Kate got out of bed, leaving the sheets behind and crossing the hallway to Ella's room, where the girl was still asleep. Entering the room slowly, she sat on the little girl's bed, pulling the sheets away from her face, and staring at her beautiful, tiny face, lost in a bunch of brown curls, almost as messy as her mother's. Her cheeks were rosy from the temperature in the room, and she had a calm, sweet expression on her face. It killed Kate that she had to wake her up, but it was starting to get late and they had a big day ahead of themselves.

"Rise and shine, birthday girl!" Kate whispered in her ear several times, until the girl opened her eyes slowly and stared at her mother's face.

"Is it today?" Ella had been asking Kate for a week, when her birthday would be. Kate nodded and kissed the girl's forehead as she threw her little arms around Kate's neck.

"Oh God, aren't you getting older?" Kate said, brushing the strands of hair away from Ella's face. The girl giggled and got up on the bed, jumping on the mattress. Kate laughed and let herself fall on the bed, closing her eyes. She reopened them quickly as she realized Ella had stopped her jumping frenzy and was now staring at her with an inquisitive look.

"Mommy?" she asked, as if she was ashamed.

"Yes, Ella?" Kate got up on her elbows as the girl let herself fall to her knees.

"What happens on my birthday?" She asked this as if she was ashamed, and Kate propped herself up immediately, pulling the girl's face up tenderly.

"What do you mean? Don't you remember last year?" She asked kindly. Ella made a negative movement with her little head, shaking her curls a bit more.

"That was like... a year ago." Was her reply, putting such a wide smile on Kate's face that she thought her cheeks would tear. Her daughter was so adorable.

"Well, this year" she said, getting up from the bed and taking the girl in her arms "We'll start by taking a shower together."

"A shower?" Ella asked, her eyes widened. Kate had always bathed her in the tub, it was easier for her to clean her up and less likely for Ella to slip and get hurt. But this time, she was allowing her daughter to get in the shower with her.

"Yes, my pet, a shower. You think you're big enough for that?" Ella nodded as they entered Kate's bathroom and took their clothes off, getting under the warm water of the shower together.

------------------------------

All the kids were playing in Kate's back yard. They were about ten, with their respective mothers, all hanging out in the sunny garden, while a catering company took over Kate's kitchen. Trying hard not to get angry at the mess they were setting up in her kitchen, Kate took a can of soda and moved herself to the garden, quickly locating Claire, who was sat on a chair, taking advantage of the shadow provided by the porch. Shannon was with her, and they were chatting happily. Claire's belly was bigger than ever, her face and ankles swollen, but she still had that glow on her, that beautiful smile that made everybody happy. Kate approached them and sat beside Claire, placing her hand on her friend's belly. Claire didn't stop talking when she arrived, but took Kate's hand in hers, pulling it to a different place, where she could feel the baby easier.

"Jesus, she's been tap-dancing inside, today." She sighed, and Shannon leaned forward, in order to place her hand on Claire's belly, next to Kate's. The three women smiled as they felt the baby move, and Kate took another sip from the soda can.

Kate was wearing a flowery dress, and had put some makeup on her face, just enough to seem acceptable to the other mothers. Her hair was tied up in a loose bun, like usual. She looked beautiful, and especially, different from the person she had become in the previous month. Shannon and Claire had noticed it immediately, but were now exchanging inquisitive looks, as if none of them was sure of how to bring up the question. Kate looked at them and surprised one of these looks, which made her smile slightly.

"What?" she asked, as Claire blushed and Shannon looked away.

"Nothing." Shannon's voice was joyful "We just noticed... you're not wearing black anymore."

Kate smiled and looked away, as she felt her cheeks redden. "Yeah." Claire hit her arm lightly.

"C'mon, girl! You look awesome in that dress. And Ella is just too freaking happy!" Claire placed her hand on her belly and traced soft circles, as if she was trying to soothe the baby. Shannon came in her defence.

"Damn right you do! Seriously, Susan, you look gorgeous." Shannon winked at Kate, and Kate smiled too, determined to change the subject.

"Yeah, right." She looked at Claire, who seemed to be looking at the yard, in search of her son. "Claire, sweetie, where's Tom? I haven't seen him."

"Oh, he's working. He got a call tomorrow, early, and had to go. Weekend long trip to New York." Claire delayed the 'ee' in the word weekend, as if to indicate it was a long and boring timeline. "As if I didn't know he has that woman." She added in a low, fragile voice.

Both Kate and Shannon's head turned immediately to Claire, who was staring at the kids in front of her with a calm, resigned expression on her face.

"What? Claire, what are you..." Shannon's voice was cut off by the pregnant woman, whose voice was now breaking at each word.

"Tom has another woman, I know it. He went on a work trip the other day... and brought back a bra..." Claire's voice trailed down until it transformed itself in laughter, while Kate and Shannon watched her, mesmerized. "A _bra_, of all things! And very, very ugly. Not classy at all." Claire laughed while the tears escaped from her eyes and she wiped them off with the back of her hand.

It was Kate and Shannon's turn to share a knowing look, and Kate decided it wouldn't hurt if Claire knew a bit further into her life.

"Jack... he had a lover too." Claire's eyes widened as she heard Kate's words. "I know her. She's a good woman." Kate looked down, trying to conceal her features "She's a really good woman. And we were getting divorced. He didn't want to, at first, but he agreed to do it in the night he died." Kate smiled lightly as she looked at Ella, playing with Aaron and with a couple of other kids in the garden. "He just never got around to do anything about it."

"I'm not divorcing Tom. Not with two children who need their father." Kate looked at Claire, who was still drawing small circles on her belly. Her eyes, however, were distracted by the commotion going on in the center of the garden; looking closer, she realized it was Christian, that had just arrived with five-feet-tall present for Ella, who was gushing and throwing herself at her granddad's arms. Christian held her close to his slim body and placed a soft kiss on her shoulder, putting her on the ground afterwards. As soon as her feet touched the ground, Ella started to open her present in the middle of the crowd, while the other girls whispered and smiled around her, amazed. Kate got up from her chair, moving to the place where her father-in-law and her daughter were.

Christian looked at Kate and smiled as soon as she approached them, kissing her cheek. Staring down at her dress, his face opened in a big smile, as his eyes filled with tears.

Christian was very thin, and had lost a lot of weight since his wife and son's deaths. His face was white, and even though Kate knew he wasn't drinking, he looked strangely sick. He'd been like that for the past forty-two days: looking sick, distracted, and melancholic. Margo's death had affected him a lot more than he was expecting, and his failure to revive his beloved son was in his mind _all the time_.

He missed having Margo with him. He missed the way she kept his house in order, the way she was always organized and clean, smelling like lavender and talking way too much. He didn't miss him like a husband should miss a wife, no. Their marriage had been over for a while, and both of them had other people, people they felt good with. Kate had met Christian's lover, once: her name was Juliet and she was a soft, delicate woman. She was a physician too, even though her age was more close to Jack's, than to his father. She looked cold and loving at the same time, in a strange combination that was probably what had attracted Christian to her.

Kate had been shocked when she'd discovered that Christian had a lover, but that shock vanished in the moment she realized Margo was having an affair with the steamy, hot pool guy. _What a cliché_, Kate thought with a smile, in the day she silently walked in on the two of them in the shower together. Luckily, neither of them had noticed her presence, so she had time to move out just as silently as she had moved in, and lay surprised about it in the swimming pool, while Ella took a nap.

It was almost as if the adultery between the couple was accepted and recommended, almost as if they had an agreement. Christian had told her they didn't have a real marriage for a long time, but it was still surprising, when Kate accompanied him to one of his AA meetings and saw her there, waiting for him. He was careful enough to introduce her as a friend, but the familiarity of their gestures towards each other were quite revealing.

Still, Christian missed Margo's company. They were like two friends, companions, sharing a house and a cold bed, but still trusting each other with their doubts and worries. Their forty-year long relationship had endured a friendship that was bound to be unbreakable, because even when they were mad at each other, even when they didn't make sense as a couple, they still trusted each other more than they trusted anyone else in the world.

"Hey there, girl." He whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"Hey Chris." She answered back, looking down at Ella with a smile. When the little girl finished opening the present, she took a step back and covered her mouth with her hands, dramatically. Kate laughed as Ella stared, wide-eyed, at a Barbie house, with a swimming pool and a convertible car. All pink. All Barbie. Kate was dreading the moment she'd have to dust it, already.

"Mommy! It's a Barbie Dream house!" Ella screamed, and ran to Kate and Christian, hugging both of them at the same time.

"What do you say, Ella?" Kate asked her with a falsely angry expression.

Ella turned to Christian and blew a kiss at him. "Thank you, Grandpa!"

Christian smiled at the little girl, as she got lost in the haze of the presents, and Kate looked at Claire and Shannon, who were talking, seemingly immersed in their own conversations. Kate saw this as an opportunity to have the conversation she wanted to have with him. Taking two cans of soda from the table, she indicated Christian that he should follow her. Walking up to the living room, she threw him one of the soda cans and opened hers. Christian stared at his can, lifting one eyebrow.

"Couldn't even get me the good kind?" he asked, as Kate laughed a bit.

"It was the first one I saw, shut up." Kate looked through the window, to the garden, as she felt a sudden wave of doubt coming over her. Should she be having this conversation? Would he understand her?

"Care to tell me why you dragged me inside?" he asked, taking a sip from his soda and moving closer to Kate.

"Yeah. I have to..." Kate hesitated, her hands trembling slightly. He could see she was afraid of telling him something.

"Kate, you know you can tell me..."

"I wanna move away from this town." She blurted, hoping the quick pace of her comment would be able to get a reaction from him. "I need to leave. I can't be here."

Christian was quiet for almost a minute, looking through the window. Kate felt like a little girl, like the six-year-old Kate that would lie about breaking a window glass to her dad. She was almost giving up and turning away when she heard his strong voice. "Where to?"

"What?" the sudden question confused her.

"Where do you want to move to?" he asked again, looking at Kate. "As in place. Location."

"South Carolina." She said it fast, without even realizing she was saying it. She had been thinking about several places, in her head, but never decided. The fast and almost subconscient way in which her brain responded to Christian's question was definitely something. She decided to take it as a sign, and point her energy in that direction.

"Where in Carolina? Charleston? Mount Pleasant?" his questions surprised Kate. He seemed to be thinking about it, as if he was considering all the practical issues. He didn't think to be against it at all.

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it..." Christian looked at Kate for the first time and smiled.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" his question awakened something in Kate's chest, which made her look away and try to conceal her features.

"I have to. I can't be here; I can't live here, Chris. It's just too much of him, he's everywhere. He's here, he's in the Cape House, he's in every public garden I see. He's Boston, you know?" Kate looked away from the window, turning her face away from Christian, but looked back at him a second later, trying to swallow the tears that were welling up in here eyes.

He smiled and took another sip of soda. "We're not talking about my son, are we?"

"No." A sob escaped Kate's mouth, and she covered it with her hand, closing her eyes. She felt Christian's arms around her, and sobbed again when he pulled her to his chest, softly caressing her hair. Kate gave herself permission to break her own promise and cried into his shirt, clinging fiercely to the hand that was on her face.

A few minutes after he had pulled her to his embrace, Christian pushed her slightly away from him, looking down at her red, swollen eyes. She looked like a little girl, when she cried, and his heart skipped a beat, making his voice sound strangely painful. "Why are you doing this to yourself, Kate? Why aren't you with him?"

She shook her head "I can't be with him. I'm bad for him, I'm... We have too much guilt on our backs."

"Bullsht. You're punishing yourself for something that isn't your fault, Kate. And you're punishing _him_, for being there for you." Christian sighed wearily. "I know it's not my place to say this, or even to interfere in your life but..." he took another deep breath before he spoke, looking tired. "I lost my son, Kate. You're the closest thing I have to a daughter. I want you to be happy. I _need_ you to be happy. And you're not happy like this. You may look joyful, and okay, and whatever bullsht you want people to think you are, but you're not happy." Kate's sobs started again when he spoke, and he took her in his arms again, while he continued. "I'm not saying you can't be happy on your own. I'm just saying that you'll be happy with him. I've seen the way he looks at you, the way he protects you. He's in love with you, Kate. And it's so _stupid_ of you to throw that away."

Kate looked away from Christian as she got closer to the window. "It doesn't work that way." She sighed before she added "You don't know how I feel."

Christian followed her sigh with one of his own. "Just promise me you'll talk to him at some point." He paused. "I saw him the other day. He looked pretty broken."

Kate's head turned to Christian in a millisecond, when he said he'd seen Sawyer. Christian smiled slightly and said "Go meet him, Kate. Do yourself that favour."

The party was over, the kitchen was normal again, and Ella was at Claire's, because Kate needed to be alone to tidy up the house. It wasn't such a big mess as she had predicted, because some of the people from the catering company had helped her earlier, but she still wanted it all to be normal.

As she washed some dishes, she thought about what Christian had told her, about her punishing herself for nothing. She knew it before he had told her, it was the reason she was still like that. Broken. She lived to blame herself; to carry the guilt of episodes she participated in. And she was too damn good at punishing herself, whether it was for being her dad's murderer, or because Margo had decided to crash her car against the side of the road.

But damn, she missed him. She was being honest with Christian, when she had told him she had to move away, because Sawyer _was_ Boston to her. He really was. Whenever Kate drove Ella to kindergarten, in the few times she had to leave her there, she couldn't resist peeking into the flower shop where she had convinced Sawyer to buy tulips for his girlfriend. Her stomach jumped whenever she passed beside a Starbucks, as if she was going to meet him, like in old times. She couldn't pass by the Boston Common, or she'd almost crash her car against the wall.

"Mom! Mom, come here, fast!" Ella's voice pulled Kate away from her thoughts, and the small figure walked into the room, with a pale face and wide eyes. Kate felt her stomach drop to the ground as she saw Ella's small figure, pulling her with her fiercely.

"What happened, Ella?" Kate asked while the girl dragged her.

"It's Aaron's mom! Her belly is gonna explode! She asked me to call you!" Kate's head started to race with that information. She was the one pulling Ella along with her as she ran to Claire's house, which she entered without ceremony. Claire was sitting on the couch, looking way better than she had thought. Her face was red from the pain, but she was taking it quite well. Aaron was with her, his ear next to the belly, apparently trying to hear something.

"Claire, sweetie! How are you feeling?" Kate kneeled near Claire, and looked at Ella, who ran to Aaron.

"Did she say something?" She asked Aaron, who looked disappointed.

"Nah." Claire rolled her eyes at the kids, tired.

"They're convinced they're gonna get an epiphany, or something." She explained. Kate pressed her hand against Claire's forehead, to see if her temperature was too high. "You gotta take me to the hospital, Susie. I'm not very dilated, but my water just broke, so it can't be long before she pops out."

Kate nodded and smiled slightly as she pulled Claire up to her feet. "Here we go, sweetie." She looked down at the kids, who were staring at them, strangely. "Kids, can you bring Claire's bag? Please?" the two kids picked up the bag and ran with it to the car, while Kate and Claire smiled to each other, and got ready for the event they had ahead of themselves.

--------------------------------

Two hours later, Claire was still on the hospital bed, while Shannon was in the cafeteria with the kids. Her dilation still wasn't enough, and her contractions were still almost five minutes apart. Kate was by her side, in the absence of Tom, whose plane was stuck in St Louis, Missouri, because of a storm. Claire held Kate's hand and cried in pain whenever a contraction hit her.

An hour later, she was about to go crazy with pain, when the doctor walked in. It wasn't her regular OB, because she was on vacation, but there was an OB specialist in town, who had been there for a case, brought from some hospital in Seattle. This doctor, however, was a tall, hot woman, that seemed to be a success at the hospital.

"Let's see, ladies." She said as she peeked through Claire's legs. "Oh well. We're almost there! The nurse should have called me earlier." She said, clicking on the calling button. A nurse appeared almost immediately.

"Yes, Doctor Montgomery?" the doctor looked at the nurse over her glasses.

"I could use a hand here. We're about to deliver a baby." The nurse walked in and took the doctor's side, while they helped Claire, giving her orders. Kate held Claire's head throughout all the process, until she fell back from exhaustion.

"I can't do this, Susie, I can't! I want Tom here, I can't do this without him, I can't!" she cried. Kate kissed her hand and put her own hand on Claire's face.

"You have to do this, Claire. For your baby. And you're a fighter, sweetie, you can do it." Claire cried a bit more when another contraction hit her, and the doctor raised her head to look at her.

"Claire, I need you to push now. You have the strength for it, it's just a push. Come on." She said, and Claire complied. Seconds later, Kate heard the muffled cry come from the doctor's arms, and couldn't help the tears that ran down her face. "You have a name for the girl?"

"It's Katharine." Claire said, between sobs. The doctor raised herself from the seat, with the baby in her arms.

"Welcome to the world, Katharine." She said, as she placed the still bloody baby on Claire's arms. Claire held the baby and Kate pressed her little cheeks lightly.

"She's beautiful." Kate whispered. "Such a cutie."

"Hey Katie." Claire said, kissing the baby's forehead with a smile, while Kate shed the tears from Claire's face and her own.


	28. Chapter 28

_Hey guys! So, as promised, here's the update. I really hope you like this chapter, or at least as much as I do. It's been a pain in the heart to write these last few chapters, and bringing this story to an end. I have almost one year of my life devoted to it, and it's become so much more than I could ever dream; that's thanks to you guys. Once again, thank you so much for your support and loyalty. this journey wouldn't be the same without you. _

_I also need to say something... I made a decision concerning this story... that might compromise the existence of a sequel. but we'll see. I'm not sure about it yet. :D_

**Chapter 28**

Kate stumbled upon a cardboard box that was lying on the floor, near the door, cursing as she massaged her feet. The improper words came out of her mouth just before she could avoid them, exposing Ella's ears to a bit of profanity Kate wasn't sure to want her to hear. When she looked back at the little girl, a yelp came out of her mouth in form of laughter: Ella's eyes had widened and she was standing on the last step of the stairway, and her hands were clenching her ears, as if she was trying to contain the sound of her mother's curse words outside her brain.

Kate moved the box aside with her leg and opened the door, so Ella could run outside. The little girl picked her lunchbox up from the floor, ran to Kate and kissed her cheek, running out to Tom's car, which was parked right in front of the house. Tom was at home for a while, to help Claire with the kids, and it was his turn to take them to kindergarten. Kate had offered to do it herself so he could spend more time with his wife and children; she still had a sort of hope that they'd be able to fix it, fix themselves and their marriage. That she'd be able to play a part in that reconciliation, she'd be a part of the cure.

Being a part of the process of cure wasn't something Kate was used to. She was used to destroy, to unravel, and to doom the situations that seemed perfect. She was a destroyer, not a builder. The only time she had taken the stamina and the energy to be a builder, she had ended up married and with a daughter on her arms, which she had to recognize was nearly perfect, but not the life she was meant to lead.

Still, Kate held the idea that she could make something for the couple. But instead of that, in that autumn morning light, she watched as Tom's SUV drove its way through the street, staring at it until it took the left and got out of her sight. Closing the door and resting her back against it, Kate stared at the entrance of her house and sighed.

There was a set of cardboard boxes piled up against the corner of the square room. Most of Ella's toys were piled up against that same set of boxes and Kate smiled as she looked to her half-empty house. It was kicking back in, that sense of restlessness, that need to run, to move. It was running through her veins again, giving her chills and sending jolts of excitement to the tip of her fingers. She was going to be able to move again. She was going to be free again. She was moving out of Boston.

South Carolina had been her instinctive pick, and she had followed through with it. Christian had helped her find a house, and they'd been searching for the previous month. They were near the end of October now, and Kate had been busy enough not to think about Sawyer. Not more than twice a day, at least.

It was now near eighty, the number of days since she'd last seen him. She missed him every day, but she knew the feeling was fading. Not the love, not her enamorament. But the almost physical pain that came with the lack of him was starting to fade slowly. She kept thinking about him, about the days she had shared with him in Boston, about their little trysts when they started to get to know each other. She thought about him, mostly. About the materiality of him, his flesh, his skin. She missed touching him, being able to kiss the tip of his nose, driving him crazy with her lips. She missed the certainty that he'd be back. She missed knowing she could be safe at home while he went downstairs to get the paper in the morning, like he'd done in those days. She missed waking him up with kisses, and falling asleep to the soft lullaby his lips on sang on her neck.

Most of all, she knew she wouldn't get him back. She knew, in her deepest core, that it would be highly unlikely for them to get back together, so she tried to wipe all these thoughts from her brain, unsuccessfully. Luckily, she was busy enough with the moving not have time to think about it. She was too tired at night to stay up and fantasize about his hands on her body, she was too busy during the day too look at the phone, in the vain expectance of his call. And she could only be thankful for that.

Christian had helped Kate choose a house that was secluded enough for her to be able to have some peace and be on her own, but not too far away from everything else. He had found a lovely house, more like a plantation that was located near a creek. The house had a big garden, access to the creek and lots of trees and nature, which was all Kate had requested. The nearest village was less than a mile away, which meant it would be easy for Ella to get in touch with other kids and go to school. It would also allow Kate to be as secluded as it was convenient for her.

So, a week after they'd settled for the house, Kate had started to pack. She had started by her books and summer clothes, and was now taking care of Ella's toys. She would send most of her things a week before, and the people from the transportation company would leave it all at her new place. She'd pack whatever was left and move in with Ella, leaving her Boston life behind her.

Kate was happy with the change of life; it was all she has asked for, and all she thought she needed in order to let go of Sawyer. However, the thought of leaving her best friends was killing her. She hated to be without Shannon, and the thought of leaving Claire and the kids behind was mortifying. Most of all, the thought of leaving Christian behind her was unbearable and dramatic: she felt like she was about to abandon her own father, the military man she had abandoned so long ago. But still, it was a change she knew she needed.

Walking up to the kitchen, Kate poured some coffee into a mug and sat in the porch with a book. She had a little gap before the time for arranging things and preparing meals started, and she wanted to let herself get lost into her thoughts for a while. Kate sat down and opened an old volume. "The End of the Affair", by Graham Greene. She had stolen it from Sawyer's house right before they had left, and stuck it in her purse. She thought she'd be able to put it back in the shelf without him noticing it when she was finished, and she could never had predicted she'd never be able to.

Kate opened the book on the place she had marked, with a Polaroid picture of Ella, and started to read. The pages were worn out and yellow-ish, and the cover was bit in the corners. Kate loved old books. And the story itself, about two lovers during World War II, a promise made and the inability to keep it; the female lead, Sarah Miles, reminded Kate a bit of herself, even though she couldn't quite say how.

"That's gotta be interesting!" the joyful voice across the porch made Kate lift her eyes quickly, and smile at the sight of a very tired Claire, climbing up the stairs with the baby in her chair. Katie was about a month and a half old now and looking more and more like Aaron. The same blue eyes, the same blond hair. She had tiny, delicate hands, that Kate usually kissed soundly, and a big tummy everyone liked to poke. She was also an unusually behaved kid; didn't cry unless she was hungry, and nobody ever heard her yelp in complaint about anything.

Claire put the baby chair on the floor between her and Kate, and sat down, her legs sprawled open in front of her. She smiled at the look Kate was giving her baby, and placed her hand on her friend's.

"You know, you wouldn't need to look at her like that if you weren't moving to South freaking Carolina..." she said, her eyes fixed on Kate, waiting for a response. Kate lifted her eyes from the baby and smiled.

"I'm almost packed already. It's about time you get used to the idea." She said with a smile. Claire crossed her arms in front of her chest, in a pose that resembled her son, whenever he was throwing a tantrum.

"Whatever. I think it's a mistake." She smiled, touching her baby's cheek. "But it's your life, Susie. You're the one who gets to decide."

"Yeah, I know." Kate got up from her chair and walked up to Claire, sitting on the armrest of her chair and kissing her hair. "I'll miss you, _rosebud_." Claire had told Kate and Shannon about her high school nickname, when the three of them were drunk. Kate used it in times like these, when she needed to say so much more than Claire's name. With that _rosebud_, she made sure Claire knew she loved her, and that she'd miss her terribly, as well.

"We have to talk about that farewell party!" Claire said, when Kate got up from the armrest. Kate sighed deeply and let herself fall on the chair.

"You do use every possible excuse for a party, don't you?" Claire clapped her hands excitedly and smiled.

"Yes, I do!"

-------------------------

Kate sighed deeply one more time as she watched the kids run through her garden. Ella was playing with Aaron and a couple of kids from the neighbourhood, and their mothers and fathers were around the garden, eating and drinking. Tom was taking care of the barbecue, and everybody seemed to be having fun, except for Kate, who had been invaded by a wave of nostalgia that not even Ella's smile could control.

Getting out to the sun, she picked a glass of coke and headed over to Christian, who was sitting on a bench, alone. She sat beside him and smiled, taking a sip from her drink and enjoying the view.

"Have you spoken to him?" his voice was low and controlled, as if he was forcing himself to ask that, as if he didn't really want to know.

"No." Kate lowered her eyes and Christian placed his arm around her shoulder.

"Are you gonna tell him you're leaving?" She shook her head negatively, and he nodded.

"You're doing this wrong, you know? You'll never have closure." She shrugged when she heard his words, and sighed.

"I'll never have him either, will I?" the words came out of her mouth before she could filter them, and the unconcerned tone she was trying to achieve turned into a low, broken voice, mirroring her desperation.

"Not if you don't try." She shook her head again, this time more enthusiastically.

"I can't, Chris. You know that as well as I do." Kate took a sip from her coke and forced herself to smile. That smile was now the symbol of what she had been in the almost six years living in that house; of the perfect and lovely Susan, of the façade she had to put up so nobody would suspect her. That smile was the symbol of her triumph and her failure at the same time; it was the example of what she'd built and what she'd destroyed. Her broken smile as she observed the garden was the person she'd been for the last five and a half years.

"I don't know, kid. I think you should just talk to him." She smiled.

"Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I need closure, but I need to stay away from him. I know I'll cave if I seen him, I'll fall onto his arms again." She shrugged and looked around one more time, ready to get up from the bench. When she did, though, her eyes stopped at the sight of the woman who was standing at the entrance of the garden. Christian smiled and signalled for her to join them on the bench, but he got up before Kate could even close her mouth.

"I thought I should call her." Chris moved away, leaving the two women facing each other, standing up in front of the bench.

Ana Lucia looked around and shrugged, getting ready to turn around and leave. "I knew I shouldn't have come." She didn't count on the hand that grabbed her arm, though.

"Don't go. Please. Stay here." Kate asked her, and Ana turned around.

Ana's features were softer than a couple of months before; her entire body was more rounded, curvy. She was latin, which gave her a certain advantage when it came to being feminine, but her usual boy-ish outfits contradicted that tendency.

Today, however, she was feminine and girly. She was wearing a flowery top, not too tight to her upper body, so Kate couldn't really tell how much weight she had put it. Her jeans were the same size as ever, and she was wearing a pair of brown sandals.

The two women sat on the bench, as Ana looked around.

"God, this is depressing," she said in a low voice, not afraid of hurting Kate's feelings. The latest was actually surprised to find herself agreeing with Ana.

"It is, I know. But it's my life." Ana offered Kate a glare, and took the other woman's hand in hers. Kate was surprised by the gesture, but her surprise grew even more when Ana pulled her hand to herself, placing it on her stomach. Realization downed on Kate's mind as she opened her mouth to ask. Ana was faster than her, though.

"Nearly five months." And as if she needed to say "It's Jack's." Kate's face opened into a wide smile as she placed another hand on Ana's stomach and felt around. Ana was now smiling too, one of her hand above Kate's.

"Ella's brother." Kate whispered, enchanted by the baby that was coming. There was something about pregnant women that always moved her, made her want to sob happily.

"Sister. It's a girl." Ana smiled. "The doctor said it'll be a girl boom, this year."

"Sister." Kate repeated, taking her hands off Ana's stomach slowly, still enjoying the news.

"Cecilia. Her name will be Cecilia." Ana informed, seemingly happy. Kate smiled as she discovered a long forgotten sense of empathy, of sisterhood. Shannon was her best friend, and Claire was her favourite neighbour, but with Ana, things were different. Ana knew what it was like, she understood. She felt the exact same thing Kate had felt when she was pregnant with Ella, the same sense of dread and terror, the same urge to protect the child from the outside world.

"I love it." Kate said, leaning back on the bench. Ana leaned back as well, and a running kid approached them, jumping to Kate's lap. She held Ella tight and turned her to meet Ana. "Ella, this is Ana Lucia. She's a friend of mommy's."

The little girl jumped and placed her arms around Ana's neck, kissing her cheek audibly. Ana seemed a bit embraced by the situation, allowing herself solely to a couple of pats on the kid's back.

"Hey Ana Lucia!" she said, sitting back on her mom's lap. "Are you going to pop a baby, like Aaron's mom?"

Now they were both positively embarrassed, both Kate and Ana. Ella had the most natural look on her face, but Ana's cheeks had started to get red, and Kate was more than uncomfortable.

"How do you know that, sweetie?" she asked. Ella shrugged.

"I just knew. You look like you're gonna pop a baby, you know?" Ana had just recomposed herself from the surprise, and was now smiling at the little girl.

"Yeah, I know." She took Ella's tiny hand and guided it into her belly. "Her name is Cecilia."

"Hi Ceci!" Ella's voice was low and confidential, as if she was afraid to wake the baby up. After saluting the baby that was yet to be born and giving that tiny life her first nickname, she jumped out of the bench and ran to Aaron, who was playing in the sandbox.

"How is he?" for the second time that afternoon, the words came out of Kate's mouth before she could stop them. Ana looked at her with a straight face and turned her eyes away, as if it hurt to talk about that matter.

"How do you think he is, Kate?" Ana looked suddenly exasperated. "He's crushed. Torn. Every possible adjective you can find that means the same as in deep sht. He's all alone, he's desperate. I've never seen him like that; and he has no idea that you're leaving." She laughed bitterly "I don't even want to imagine how he'll be once he finds out."

"I'm sorry." it was all Kate could bring herself to say. She suddenly felt like she was breaking from the inside. She missed him more in that moment than in those nearly eighty days put together.

"I'm not the one you have to apologize to, it's him. He's the one who's around, not letting anyone touch the clothes you left at his place. He has them on the chair beside the bed, where you left them." Ana said all this in one breath "I'm not the one who still goes down to Starbucks five times a day to see if you're there with someone else."

"Oh God." Kate brought her hand up to cover her mouth, closing her eyes.

"Yeah. He's like that. So it'd be nice of you to inform him you're running away, just in case he really wants to say goodbye." Ana said, getting up from the bench. Kate got up with her and after a moment, Ana pulled her close, giving her a quick hug. Kate smiled and framed Ana's face with her hands, kissing both her cheeks.

"Let me know when you pop the kid. I'll be waiting." Ana nodded and placed a hand on her belly.

"I will." She sighed and turned around to leave. When she was near the gate, Ana took a look over her shoulder, smiling. "He told me he'd be on Boston Common, tomorrow at three. In case you're interested."

Kate mouthed the words inaudibly, and Ana smiled again, looking away and stepping out of the garden. "Thank you."

------------------------

At 2.45pm of the next day, Kate was debating on whether to enter or not the park she used to visit with Sawyer. She walked in front of it, in the same place where she'd met Ana Lucia months before, with her purse clenched by her right hand, and a feeling of uneasiness that was killing her.

She could go in, couldn't she? She could go and sit with him on the bench, talk. Kiss, possibly. Likely. Almost sure. She could just talk, and tell him she was leaving. Say goodbye. Or, she could go home and not think about it again. Of course, she would be restless and guilty for the rest of her existence, and imagining what would the outcome of their tryst be, but it was the safest option.

By 2.57pm, Kate decided to get in. It wasn't like she had anything to loose. Walking into the reddish foliage of the park, she almost ran to the spot she used to share with Sawyer, a secluded garden with a couple of benches and that, hidden by a labyrinth of bushes, was barely noticed by the people who walked around. Actually, the place was so secret that he had made a couple of not so decent proposals that Kate had refused vehemently. She was in love like a teenager, but she _wasn't_ a teenager anymore.

As she walked into the square garden, she noticed his presence immediately. He was sprawled out in the bench, as he used to be when they were there together. She noticed his hair, which was a bit longer, giving him a wild look, and his three-to-four day stubble, that always drove her mad. He was wearing a dark t-shirt and grey denim pants, and looked pale and defeated.

When Kate appeared to his presence, she grew suddenly aware of her whole body, of herself as a woman. She could feel every inch of her skin, from the curve of her lip to the tip of her toe, and she suddenly regretted not wearing anything more closed up and prudish. The white shirt she was wearing had the two top buttons loose, and the pants' waist was so low it showed off a tiny bit of her stomach. Kate clenched her fist around the strap of her purse and walked to him, locking her eyes with his and enduring the look of passion and desire he was giving him. He was like a predator, observing his prey studying her. He wanted to know exactly what she'd done in those eighty days, how she had been without him. He seemed to want to absorb all that information from a simple look, and as she sat beside him, he turned his eyes away.

"Lookin' good, Freckles." His remark made Kate smile slightly. God, she'd missed his voice.

"You look like crap." She said, giving him a sideway look. "How've you been?"

"How'd you think?" he shrugged and leaned forward, placing himself near her. Their elbows were touching now, and so were their knees, and the electrical power that always accompanied them was back. Kate couldn't move, she didn't have the willpower to do it.

"As crappy as I've been?" she smiled. "Damn, Sawyer, I miss you." he turned his eyes to look at her.

"Then stay. Be with me." Kate's smile widened, but he could tell it wasn't a happy smile. It was a sad, defeated smile.

"I'm moving to South Carolina in two days." She said, avoiding his look. The tears in her own eyes were not meant to be noticed, so she looked away.

"You're goin' _where_?" he got up from the bench and walked out to the statue in front of the garden, kicking it and eliciting a small moan from Kate's throat. She was scared of his reaction for the first time in her life; not for herself, but for him.

"I have to, Sawyer. I can't live here, I can't be here! Not after what happened, not after you and I..."

"Not after us? Why? You're too weak to live with the memories? You want to clean yourself up from the sins you committed with me? Want to get over us?" Kate got up from the bench when she heard his words, approaching the enraged Sawyer with a cynical smile.

"I wish I _could_ get over what we had. I _wish_! But I can't, and I know you can't too, or else you wouldn't be acting like that." she spat, her face reddened with rage. He had a way to get on her nerves, and at the same time, she felt like holding him so tight against her body that they would melt into one.

"Well, Freckles, who said I want to get over us?" he turned around, his back facing her, as he took a deep breath. "I don't want to get over us. I don't want to forget about you. 'Cause you know what? I love you too damn much for that."

The sentence had the desired effect on Kate. She turned her head to him just in time to be caught in a kiss that made her head fall back, and her limbs go soft on Sawyer's arms. She let herself go into him, kissing him back, allowing herself to feel everything she had felt back when she was with him.

Her senses were now invaded by his scent, his touch. His hands were all over her body and before she could do anything, his hand was cupping one of her breasts, and his other hand was grasping her hip so tight that she just _knew_ there would be marks afterwards. Her hands got lost in his hair, his shoulders, his arms, his face. She traced the lines of his cheekbone with her index finger, while her other hand found the way to the elastic of his boxers, which was coming out of his pants.

A sudden noise made them stop abruptly, and Kate took the interval in the kisses to push his hands away from her body. "Please, Sawyer." His eyes were filled with a glow that was somehow primal and fierce. He wanted her. It wasn't just a game anymore; it wasn't just the passion or the love. It was about possession, about ownership. He needed to own her, know that she was his.

Strangely enough, that thought didn't scare Kate as much as she thought it would. When she realized this, her heart fluttered for a moment, filled with the expectancy of what would come next. A part of her wished he would grab her and take her to his apartment, make her his at once; her rational side knew it would be crazy. But still, the sense of belonging it gave her was overwhelming, and she could feel herself smiling while she pushed him away.

He stepped back, taking Kate's right hand in his. Looking away from her, he squeezed her palm, as if it was a way to control his urge to put his hands on her. Kate smiled and stepped closer to him, a naughty smile on her face. "I wish I could. Really." She allowed her head to fall on his chest, guiding her hand around his waist. He took her in his arms, holding her close to his body.

"You can, Freckles. You know you do." Sawyer took her face between his hands and smiled a bit, showing off the dimples that drove her crazy. "We could go together. Be together, you know?"

"You're crazy." She stated, laughing slightly to conceal her emotion. It was probably the first time she was seeing him be completely honest with her, completely open. And she had to admit it was part of the problem, the feeling she had that he was constantly acting. But now he wasn't. He was holding her face in his palms and being the most honest, bluntly true she had ever seen.

"So what? Be crazy with me, Kate. Let's do this together." Kate felt like saying yes. Something in her mind told her it wasn't as crazy as she thought. They could start over, together. Wasn't it all she wanted? Being with him and with Ella? It was the picture perfect life she had never had the chance to have.

"You have a life here." It was all she could say. She wanted to put him at stake, tease him. She wanted him to take his words back, or else she feared she would accept it.

"So do you." his voice was now low and intimate, loving. His mouth was in her hair, and her forehead was resting on his chest.

"You'll grow tired of me. It won't be just the two of us, Ella's coming too." She said, in a desperate attempt to convince him to give up on the idea.

"You think I mind?" he laughed a bit. "Okay, we'll need to have soundproof walls. But what else? I love the damn girl!"

Kate laughed and raised her head from his chest. It was all she needed to know. She put her hands in his face, kissing him softly. "Okay." He pulled her head backwards, so he could see it.

"Okay?" his eyes were shining with expectancy, the same kind of feeling Kate had experienced before.

"Come away with me." The smile on his face was so wide that Kate felt like screaming. Lifting her up from the floor, he kissed her deeply, passionately, desperately.

--------------------

In five minutes, they got up to his apartment. The afternoon light was invading it, giving the whole space a yellow glow, and the warmth that Kate never got to feel in her own house.

He started to take her clothes off in the moment they got into the house. Placing his lips softly on her cheekbone, he started to undo the buttons of her shirt, one by one. Kate closed her eyes as she felt him kneel in front of her, kissing her stomach slowly as he took care of the buttons, leaving a trail of warmth and lust at his passage.

When he finished the shirt, she took it off absent mindedly, and placed her hands on his head, feeling his blonde hair between her fingers. Once the top was taken care of, it was time for him to focus on the bottom: his fingers worked on the button of her pants, and he pulled them down quickly, as well as the ballerinas she was wearing.

Kate pulled Sawyer up from the ground, pulling his shirt up along with him. He raised his arms, allowing her to take it off and sending it to the ground. They were both still leaning against the front door, and Sawyer felt like it was time to move to the bedroom. Kissing Kate with all his strength, all his soul, he lifted her up from the floor and took her to his bed, making her lay down on it, while he got rid of his own pants.

Sawyer placed himself in front of Kate, who crawled up to his lap, straddling him. They were both still wearing their underwear, and for now, it wasn't necessary for them to get rid of those. Kate could measure the amount of Sawyer's desire by his presence underneath her, and the point was to take it slow, take it in. They were supposed to let the feeling sink, let the certainty of the life they had just vowed to start together take its place in their hearts. They had to do it like it was the first time.

Of course, they knew each other's bodies much better than they did in their first time, so it was much easier for both of them to pleasure each other. Sawyer knew just where to kiss Kate in order to make her reach for his arms and mark them with her fingernails; Kate, on the other hand, knew just the kind of moves she could do to drive him crazy.

They danced like that for almost an hour, just revelling on the feeling of being in each other's arms after so long. Kate had never thought she would be able to feel him like that again, feel him so close to her. The reality of his body pressed against hers had almost become a forgotten memory, but the tangibility of his muscles pressing against her core was too real to be a dream. They were back. They were together again, loving each other again, feeling each other again. They were back in each other's arms. And the sense of peace it gave them both was the ultimate way they had to proof that the decision of moving to South Carolina together was the right one.

-------------------------

He was still lying on the bed, invaded by the laziness of the post-coital bliss. He watched her back as she got dressed, clasped her bra back up, buttoned up her shirt. The graciousness of her moves, the beauty of it all. The unruly hair he had just held in his hands.

When she was dressed, Kate leaned into Sawyer and kissed him slowly, sensually. Kissing his bottom lip and pulling back, she got up from the bed and picked her purse up from the floor. Taking a step back, she kissed Sawyer again, and sat beside him on the bed. Sawyer put his arms around her back and forced her to lay on his chest, sighing deeply.

"I'll be back in two days." She whispered, placing her hand on his chest.

"Damn long, Freckles." She laughed.

"I know. Wait for me, will you?" his eyes turned serious when he heard her words. "I know it's scary. But I need to know you'll be there."

His eyes were still serious, invaded by the solemnity of this moment. "I'll be there." The hand on the back of her head pulled her into a deep kiss. "Promise."

"Thank you." She muttered the words before she got lost in another kiss, taking him in her arms, and letting him turn their situation around, making her lay back on the bed with him on top of her.

After a few minutes of tempting kisses and crazy hands roaming over each other's bodies, Kate got up from the bed, taking her purse with her. "I really gotta go."

"I'll be waiting." His smile was the last thing she saw before she turned around, and somehow, their last kiss had left a bittersweet taste on her mouth. The taste of doom and disaster. Kate closed the door of Sawyer's apartment with a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach, and the will to go back and crawl into bed with him again.


	29. Chapter 29 Part I

_Just a short explanation: This is part one of the last chapter. Since it compiles an awful lot of events I thought I should divide it in two parts and pull a "grey's anatomy" on you guys. D yes. So, I'm probably posting the rest of the chapter (which is considerably smaller, just a kind of epilogue) on monday, or so. It will depend on the reviews (yes, because I'm a review whore.) and on the time I have to finish it. _

_So, love you guys, hope you don't kill me after this. Thanks to Kayla for the beta reading and for the people who reviewed the last chapter._

**Chapter 29 - Part One**

Boxes in the car, the suitcases in the trunk and Ella's toys on the backseat. Kate glanced at the vehicle once more, to make sure everything was in place and ready for their trip. Everything was in place: the truck company that was taking care of the moving was already on its way to South Carolina, because Kate had wanted to ship everything before she went there herself. She had been left with clothes, toys and personal objects she didn't want to get rid of, or just what she needed tp get by in the day and a half she still had at her soon-to-be former house.

Right now, however, Kate was also left with a feeling of uneasiness, a cold in the pit of her stomach that was nothing but unnerving. She had a feeling something bad was about to happen, something utterly tragic that would change her life forever. That was how she had put it to Shannon, who had called her an hour ago, and had laughed at this 'end of the world' premonition Kate was claiming to have. That kind of behaviour was usually more appropriate to Claire's esotherical spirit than to Kate's pragmatic self.

So, as she stood outside her house, her hands on her hips and her eyes searching through the house like a scanner, Kate thought she should definitely be going crazy. What the hell was happening to her? She had never been one to pay attention to _feelings_, to so-called premonitions. She had laughed at Claire whenever she spoke about how she felt things before they happened, about how clairvoyant she seemed to be, and now Her fingers were grasping her own hips fiercely, as Kate bit her lip and made a giant effort not to run.

"Where's Ella?" Kate asked herself in a low voice, nearly inaudible, even to herself. She looked around the house once again, searching for her daughter, and then it came to her mind that she was probably with Aaron. It would be hard on the little girl, having to say goodbye to her best friend and to the place she had been born in, but Kate was convinced Ella would make many other friends in South Carolina, and be as happy as she was in Boston. It was the best thing to do after all, she told herself a thousand times. They had to leave. There was no other option.

Kate looked at the house again and felt her left pocket vibrate against her leg. Pulling out her cell phone, she saw Sawyer's number in the front screen. With a smile on her face, she opened the cap and placed it beside her ear, letting the other hand, which was still on her hip, fall down to the length of her body.

"Hey you." her voice was sweeter that she intended it to be, and she suddenly hated herself for being so girly. Since that afternoon at his house, two days before, they had been chatting over the phone almost uninterrupted, while she felt herself go deeper and deeper into him, his personality and his mind. Somehow, the conversations they had on the phone managed to go deeper than the ones they had personally; maybe because they weren't facing each other, because they didn't have each other's eyes trying to conceal any features or emotions. Kate was perfectly aware that they had a long road to travel in their relationship, especially in what came to honesty and to their secrets. They were both aware that their secrets were bigger than themselves, but for now, neither of them had any courage or will to share them. Their passion was big enough for them to hang onto each other without the need to know everything about their mate, and they shared an unspoken vow to keep it that way.

Still, the conversations they managed to have were real and somehow deep. They spoke about trivial aspects of their lives, about how things would happen in South Carolina, about Ella and they way he would fit into her and Kate's little world. Kate confessed she was scared he would leave her sooner or later, and he hadn't denied it. They were wild spirits, both of them; permanence wasn't the kind of promise they could make. Kate knew that because she felt it herself. She could feel him close to her, feel that he understood her like nobody ever had, feel like he was the only person in the world who wouldn't judge her, but she still couldn't promise him to stay by his side forever. Right now, it seemed perfect, but she knew herself better than that. Her need to flee, to move every once in a while would smother her eventually. And Kate knew Sawyer understood. His same instinct made him empathize with her feeling and embrace it, taking in the time they had together as if it was a gift.

"Hey Freckles." Kate could hear his smile as she spoke. His dimples should be showing off so badly at the moment. "You got everything ready?"

"Almost. I mean, yeah..." she kicked a tiny stone in the ground. "I don't know. I'm feeling weird."

"What, you feelin' sick or somethin'?" Sawyer's voice was worried, and Kate regretted saying those words out loud. She was feeling as stupid as she felt when she told Shannon and she laughed on her face.

"No, not at all." She made an effort to make her voice sound lighter as if the lack of worry in her voice would make him feel less concerned. "It's just... a weird feeling. I don't know, seriously. My stomach's all messed up, I might have eaten something..." that was it. That lie was intended to put an end to a conversation Kate knew was going nowhere. She had the feeling he'd mock her if she told him she had a feeling the sky was about to fall down, and she wouldn't be made fun of.

"Well, get better! Otherwise you'll miss out on the beauty of the road trip!" his voice sounded warmer now. It had worked and in a way, by turning his voice back to normality, Kate felt better. Why was she worrying so much? She had a road trip ahead of her, and there were very few things she loved more than a long and quiet drive. It was the perfect plan.

"I'll try to," Kate smiled "Sawyer?"

"What?"

"Are you scared?" the silence on the other end of the line made her feel like she was shrinking, her size decreasing to an inch, making her feel like she was the smallest person on the planet. "I mean... nervous or... "

He cut her off: "Yeah. I am." The smile that spread on Kate's face was almost childlike. He was scared too, he was having last minute cold feet too. "You?"

Still smiling and covering her eyes with her hand, Kate replyed, "Yeah. I am too."

The silence that followed this statement was long and charged with unspoken tension. It wasn't bad, though, it was the kind of tension they shared, the same fear of rejection, of doing things wrong in their lives once again. The only difference was that they knew that even if they did make it wrong, they would still be together. It would always be the two of them, and nobody else to blame, which brought them an odd sense of comfort.

"I better go get Ella. We're having lunch with Shannon, downtown." Kate said, as she heard him sigh. His sighs were such a great part of their conversations that she already knew how to read most of them.

"Okay. You'll come by at three?" she smiled.

"Yeah. I'll be there."

"Alrighty, Freckles. I'll be waiting." She nodded as she heard the click of the phone on the other side of the line, and dragged it to her chest, taking a deep breath and starting to look for her daughter.

-----------------------------

They were in front of Kate's house, standing, none of them sure of what to say. Claire was carrying Katie in her arms, and had tears streaming down her face. Kate knew she didn't want her top move away, but the decision was made and Claire knew she'd have to endure the physical distance from her friend.

In all that time, Kate never thought she'd come to miss Claire so much. That small and delicate woman had slowly walked all the way from the mother of one of Ella's friends to one of Kate's closest friends. Kate was only sorry that she didn't know the whole truth, that she couldn't be like Shannon. Because she knew that even though Claire was very close to her, she probably didn't love her enough to forgive the years of lies Shannon had forgiven. Claire was an honest, truthful woman, and she would not tolerate that kind of lie.

Kate was truly sorry for leaving that neighborhood, though. Some of her other neighbours had come to visit her earlier, Jane and Kelsi who lived a couple of houses above her; Sarah from the street below. She had accepted her hugs and kisses and said a definitive goodbye to Susan, to her housewife skin and to her lies. After this day, it would all be new, and it would all be old. Her Kate self, the wild and fierce personality she had been trying to conceal during those five years would finally come out, like it had whenever she was with Sawyer. She would finally be able to rest and breathe for herself, to _be_ herself. But it still made her sad. Five years was a long while, and it had definitely had more influence on Kate than she had desired.

Claire cradled the baby against her chest, as she wailed lightly. Kate looked around, searching for Aaron and Ella, that seemed to have disappeared for the fourth time that day, while the pictures of the days she had spent with them came to her mind. Damn, she'd miss Aaron. That kid had been so close to Ella all this time that the idea of setting them apart was hurtful, like a sin. She had the feeling they were meant to be together, meant to grow together; somehow, she had endured the illusion of having Katie and Tom again, of having her childhood self and her best friend under her eyes again, in the skin of her daughter and Aaron. She knew setting them apart would be a mistake, but the solemnity of the moment gave her the certainty that if they were to be together, destiny would bring them to each other. If they were meant to be apart... well then, it was settled.

Kate's eyes found Ella and Aaron sitting on the porch, clinging fiercely to each other. Looking at Claire, she decided to give them a moment and turned to say goodbye to her friend, who had just put the baby on the troller next to her. Claire moved her hands awkwardly, smiling through the tears, and Kate's hands pulled her close, dragging her to a long embrace. As she fought tears herself, Kate felt her friend's sobs on her shoulder, and her tiny arms rest around her waist, making her feel suddenly protected.

Claire pulled away after a minute, getting on her toes to kiss Kate's forehead. Kate smiled at the graciousness of her movements, at the way Claire had to make everything look easy and delicate. She should have been a ballerina, like Shannon.

"Be safe, alright?" Claire's Australian accent seemed to get thicker whenever she was nervous or crying. "We'll all still be here, if you need us."

"I know." Kate shed the tears from her own face as she looked at the kids. "I'll miss you guys."

"We'll miss you too." Claire said, between sobs. Kate smiled lightly as she tucked a strand of Claire's hair behind her ear. "You'll let Ella come and stay in the summer, right?"

"Yes. And Aaron will come and stay over too, right?" Claire nodded and Kate turned herself to the two children who were approaching. "You ready, midget?" she asked Ella.

"I wanna stay, mommy." Ella's hand was grabbing Aaron's, and the boy was looking at Kate with a pleading look.

"We've talked about this, baby. We gotta go now." Kate lowered herself to her knees and tried to release Ella's hand from Aaron's, but they were clinging to each other like the world was about to end. And, as Kate realized slowly, it was, at least for them.

"Can Aaron go too?" Ella's plea was so heartbreaking that it forced Kate to look away in order to avoid her own tears. Claire turned around and sobbed into her hand, leaving Kate alone with the two kids, trying to find a way to make this less hurtful that it had to be.

"He has his mommy and daddy to stay with, sweetie. And Katie. Would you like him to leave Katie alone now?" their response came in unison.

"Yes!" Kate lowered her head, trying to conceal the exasperation. When she raised her eyes, they were dry and serious.

"Well, he won't. He has to stay and be with his family." She pulled the two of them together, running her hands through their heads and feeling both of them close to her one last time.

"Ella, say goodbye to Aaron, we have to go."

"I don't want to!" she pouted and Aaron hugged her tightly. "I'm gonna stay with Aaron!"

"Claire." Kate called her quietly and the woman turned around, lowering herself near her friend and pulling Aaron softly away from his little girlfriend. Kate did the same with Ella, and soon they were both holding their children while they cried. Kate got close to Aaron and Claire one more time and kissed Aaron's hair.

When she pulled away, Kate realized she was stuck. Somehow, in the middle of her kissing Aaron, Ella had managed to grab the kid's shirt and was clinging fiercely to it, not allowing Kate to move.

It was too much. Kate had been controlling her tears since she had turned to the kids, but now it was too much, even for herself. She allowed the tears to flow down on her face as she walked to the car, the force of her movemente forcing Ella to let go of Aaron and placing her hand softly on Kate's back while she sobbed.

She hated to see her baby cry, nothing hurt her more than that. As she placed Ella in the backseat, Kate looked at her and pulled her face to hers, kissing her cheeks softly. Ella kept crying, and Kate's heart kept beating like she was about to kill someone.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry, Ella, but we have to go." Fastening the girl's seatbelt and moving to the driver's seat, Kate started the car. "You'll see him again, I promise."

Looking through the mirror, Kate saw it as she started the car and moved through the street.

Aaron started to run after the car, with Claire after him, until she caught him and held him. As the car turned the corner, Kate thought it should be quite an endearing picture: mother and daughter, both crying inside of a car where you could see toys and boxes. Wasn't it the picture of a new life?

------------------------

Shannon was already waiting for them at the restaurant when they arrived. The same old Italian where Kate had seen Sawyer for the second time, where they had met in the bathroom. Throwing a look in that direction, Kate smiled lightly as she guided Ella through the tables until Shannon. As soon as she saw her mother's friend, Ella ran to her and climbed into her lap, hiding her face in Shann's neck.

"What's wrong, bug?" Kate sat in front of Shannon with an exhausted look. "What's wrong with _both_ of you?"

"Ella just said goodbye to Aaron. That's why she's sad." Kate explained, taking a look at the menu. Shannon pulled the girl away from her neck and looked at her eyes, smiling.

"Is that right, bug?" With Ella's sad nod as a response, Shannon looked up, as if she was trying to make a story up for the girl. When she looked down, she had a creative glow in her eyes, as of she was about to tell Ella the biggest secret of her life. "You wanna know something?"

"What?" Ella's natural curiosity made her raise her head quickly and pay attention to Shannon.

"That's how it works!" She said, as if it was the most obvious thing on the face of the earth. And now Shannon had both Ella and her mother looking at her suspiciously. "That's how it's got to be, Ella!"

"That's how _what_'s s'posed to be?" the girl asked, seemingly disappointed at the explanation.

"You, having to say goodbye to Aaron." Now both Kate and Ella looked confused. Shannon sighed dramatically. "Okay, let me explain, silly. Have you ever seen a movie where a princess marries a prince and they live happily ever after?"

Ella nodded and Kate did too, unconsciously. Shannon looked at her friend and tried hard not to laugh.

"And in those movies, do they stay together _all the time_, like you and Aaron did?" Shannon said those words with a snark tone, as if it was bad. Ella immediately reacted and shook her head negatively. "See? You get my point! Your mom was only trying to help. For a love story to work, the boy and the girl have to be away for a while. But when you're a grown up, he'll show up again and you kids will be together."

"It's too long before I'm a grown up." Ella's voice was childish, but more joyful.

"Well, nobody said it would be easy now, did they?" Shannon asked in a knowing voice.

Ella turned to Kate with a questioning look in her eyes. "Is this true, mommy?" Kate nodded, and the girl turned back to Shannon. "So, when I grow up I'll see Aaron?"

"Yes you will, my sweet." Ella hopped joyfully from Shannon's lap and ran to Kate's side, sitting on the chair next to her mother and picking the fork up from the table.

"When are we gonna eat?" she asked. Kate rolled her eyes and smiled at the little girl, while Shannon tried hard not to laugh.

----------------

Now accompanied by a joyful Ella, Kate and Shannon talked a lot during that lunch hour. Sometimes they found themselves shedding tears, trying hard not to think they were going to break apart in a matter of hours. Shannon had been her best friend for years, and even more than she'd miss Claire or Christian, she'd miss Shann.

Christian was supposed to meet them there to give Kate the keys to her new house and say goodbye, and they were both waiting for him. Ella was playing with her drawing kit, while her mother and Shannon had their coffees and conversations.

"Hey there, ladies." Kate and Shannon were so immersed in their own conversations that when Christian arrived, it was a surprise. He sat it front of Ella, who raised her eyes from her drawing and smiled at him "Hey princess."

"Hey grandpa!" she blew him a kiss and went back to het drawing, while Kate looked at him, expectantly.

Christian looked at her a smiled. Drawing a manila envelope from his coat, he gave it to Kate,

who stared at it intently. "It's all there, kid." He said smiling.

Kate put her hand inside of the envelope and took out a key, smiling. "There's another treat in there, Kate." Christian's voice seemed to make Kate wake up from a trance. She regarded him with a strange look, and tucked her hand inside of the envelope one second time, pulling out two identifications. They had hers and Ella's pictures. And they said, respectively, Katherine Anne Smith and Eleanor Shepard.

"Wait... what?" both Kate and Shannon were stunned.

"You said you wanted a fresh start, there's your fresh start." He answered. Kate looked at the ID's again.

"Ella's is the same." She stated, her voice still harsh from the shock.

"No it's not. Her mother's name now is Katherine Smith, and not Susan Shepard." He explained.

Kate still had no words. It was too much, it was all too much. She had new identifications, with her old name. She would be able to be Kate again, not Susan. It was too much information, way too much for her to assimilate. Kate placed the ID's and the keys inside of the envelope again and hid it in her purse with a smile, running her hand through Ella's hair, absentmindedly.

A beep made them all turn to Christian, who checked his belt for his beeper. "Damn." He looked up at Kate. "I have an emergency." He got up from his chair and Kate did too.

Christian pulled Kate to him in a fatherly manner, and she started to cry as soon as he put his arms around her. She hid her face in his chest, letting the tears run down her face and into his shirt, while he soothed her hair, like a father comforting his little girl.

And basically, that was exactly what she was to him. Kate was not his daughter-in-law, was not his little sick puppy that he had to bring back to its feet. She had become so much more than that. Kate had become the supportive child Christian had never found in Jack, the person he could call whenever he messed up and that would hear him and look out for him. The person he looked out for, every day.

It broke his heart to let her go, but just like her, he knew it had to be done. Pulling her slightly away, he tried to conceal the tears he had in his eyes. He was a man, for Christ's sake, not a crying baby. In his masculine manner, Christian kissed Kate's hair and then the spot between her eyes.

"Thank you. So much, Chris." She whispered between sobs. He tucked her hair behind her ears lovingly.

"Thank you, Kate." Christian pulled away from Kate roughly and lowered himself to kiss Ella's cheek. He whispered something in her ear that made her laugh and he got up quickly, taking his coat. "I have to go." Kissing Kate's forehead one more time, he looked down at her eyes and smiled. "Love you, kid."

"I love you, too." She responded, falling onto the chair and smiling, trying to clean her face from the tears with the back of her hands. Shannon gave her a pinch in the cheek while she shed her own tears, and got up from the chair.

"Let's go." She said, pulling Kate along with her to the outside. "It's almost 3 pm, you gotta meet your southern god." Shannon winked at Kate, while she got Ella's stuff together and put the backpack in the girl's back. Holding Ella's and Shannon's hands, Kate walked out of the restaurant, glancing one more time at the bathroom and smiling at the owner, a soon-to-be-old friend.

Shannon walked Ella and Kate to their car, and put the girl in the backseat herself. She wanted to do this one last time, have one last chance to be the girl's auntie. When she was done with the seat, Shannon kissed the girl's forehead and pulled her into a hug.

"I love you, bug. You're my ballet princess, okay?" her eyes were filled with tears, and Ella shed one of them from her eyes.

"I love you too, aunt Shann." Ella blew her a kiss that made her laugh, and Shannon got up from the car seat.

Turning to Kate, Shannon leaned against the car and held her friend's hand. She tried to look normal, but as soon as her eyes met Kate's her face crumpled, turning her usual ethereal look into a shade of loneliness and fear.

"How the hell am I going to live here without you, Kate?" she whispered, and Kate couldn't stop her arms when they pulled Shannon into a tight hug. Shannon's sobs accompanied Kate's, and soon they were both pulling away, both embarrassed of their own reactions.

"I wish I could take you with me, Shann. I really do." Kate said, opening the door to the car.

"You're already taking me with you, Kate. A part of me, at least." Shannon kissed Kate's face as she took her place in the driver's seat. "I love you to death, girl."

"I love you too, Shann." Kate closed the door on her side and Shannon took a step back, hugging her coat tightly and trying not to cry anymore.

----------------------------

Kate wasn't far away from Sawyer's house, so she took the cut to his street in a couple of minutes. After all the farewells were made, she felt lighter, she knew she'd take these people in her heart, and that they would always be there for her when she needed them. And they would come visit, they would still be a part of her life, they would just be several hours away, but time and distance didn't matter.

What mattered to Kate was the certainty that she had Christian, Shannon, Claire, Aaron and the little Katie in her heart, and that they would be in there for as long as she lived.

Turning the car to Sawyer's street, Kate saw a commotion in front of his building. There was an ambulance there, a morgue car. Three police cars. Feeling the immediate pull in her stomach, Kate drove the car closer to the scene, until she saw a familiar car. Black, sober. Christian's car.

Kate looked back at the seat and Ella was drifting off. She should be exhausted after the emotions of the day. Kate looked at her for a moment and for some reason she was aware that from the moment she looked back, her life would not be the same.

But she did look forward, and stare at the scene, hoping to understand what was going on.

Two gurneys were out of the building, one of them covered in the black plastic that indicated death. The second gurney was being taken to the hospital by the ambulance. Kate watched the scene as if it was a movie she already knew the ending to, trying hard not to cry. She knew how it was going to end, she knew why Chris was there.

The third gurney came out, and Christian came with it. He was listening to the person's heart with a stethoscope, and at one point, he dropped his hands to his side, shaking his head negatively. Kate looked at the body: it was Sawyer.


	30. Chapter 29 Part II

_I don't know what to say. I don't think I have realized it really is over, yet. If I had, I'm sure I'd be crying my eyes out, because this story has become so much more than I expected it to. _

_When I started writing Of Love And Shadow, in a boring Sunday at my mother's house, I wrote three pages I and thought they were a lot. I laugh now, because in the middle of the story I started to write nine-page long chapters, and even those look small right now. What I mean is that I never thought it would become so big, and I never thought I'd dedicate this much time to it. It's been an amazing journey, and doing it with you guys just made it better. _

_I have an enormous list of people I have to thank, but not too much time. So first of all, I'd like to thank the three people who acted as my beta-readers since the beginning of this fiction: **Roxy** (Thank you, my love, for your brilliance and support towards everything I do. You're an amazing girl), **Katie** (I have no words. You are my inspiration and my support, my treehouse girl and one of the most talented people I know. I could not have done this without you) and **Kayla** (my dramatic girl, who is so spectacularly talented in everything she does! Kayla, your last minute betas and your support will be in my heart forever). _

_There are a few more people I'd like to mention, that have played a part in my life and served as an influence for this story and for myself. **Ceci**, my girl, you mean the world to me. I couldn't have done this without you either, because you were the first person to review this fanfiction and one of the few people who got to have some real influence in it. Your reviews gave me the will to go on, and I can't thank you enough for being who you are in my life. **Clarisse**, you are amazing. You wait for me to update, nudge me and still have the patience to go through my chapters when I don't have a beta. I don't know what I'd do without you, girl. And I will always remember how much we laughed together when I was writing the first skate sex scene. To my **Skate Family**, the hardcore old-school skaters, my people, my home. Even though most of you guys aren't here anymore, you deserve to be mentioned. You gave me the support I needed to start this fiction and to keep it going. It's to you I dedicate it. _

_To everyone who reviewed, you made this happen. And I'm sorry some of you didn't stick to the end, and thankful that others did and endured my constant lateness and moaning about how my life sucks. You're the ones who make it suck a little less. _

_In two words: Thank you. _

_(Here's the second part of the Chapter. I hope you guys like it as much as I do. The sequel is on it's way, being planned and I wanted to try and start it before easter, but I'm not sure. Well, you'll see it in it's due time. Once again, thank you for walking me through this journey. It was one hell of a ride.)_

**Chapter 29 – Part II**

Kate stared at the scene in disbelief, her features frozen. She couldn't react, she didn't know how to. Sawyer was in a gurney, dead. Christian was calling his time of death, and Kate could hear him clearly.

"Time of death, 2.56pm"

Time of death. Time of death, time of death. Those three words rang a bell in Kate's head, getting mixed with the feelings she'd had five years ago. Time of death. She had heard Christian call Tom's time of death five years ago, and now here he was, calling Sawyer's. But it couldn't be real, right? Because Sawyer wasn't dead, it should all be a bad dream.

Kate purposely clenched her fists, forcing her own fingernails into the skin of her palm. _Damn_. It hurt like hell, so it wasn't a dream. And no, it wasn't reality, it couldn't be reality. Sawyer couldn't be dead, could he? He couldn't possibly be gone from this world.

Kate watched the scene for a moment, and saw it as the coroner, who seemed to be friends with Christian pulled the gurney to the car and closed the door. "No." Was the only word Kate was able to mutter while she witnessed the disappearence of the body inside of the car.

In a sudden movement, Kate brought her hand back to her face and felt it wet. She was crying. Why would she be crying? It wasn't real, was it? It couldn't be, so it would be silly of her to cry. Right? It wasn't reality, it was some kind of mind trick her brain was getting into, and that she didn't want to endure.

Kate raised her eyes to the mirror and saw her pale face, her expression begginning to crumble. No, no, it couldn't be happening. She couldn't cry, she wouldn't cry because it would make it real and Kate didn't want it to be real. But it was. And the reality of the moment struck her like a lightning bold, making her shiver.

"No. Don't leave me." She muttered, allowing herself to start crying. "Please."

Looking forward again, Kate saw Christian, and he recognized her car, preparing to move towards her. She didn't want him to, she couldn't allow him to. If Christian told her he was dead, there was nothing more she could do, there would be no more dreaming, no more illusion. No more pretending it was an alternative reality, no more pretending it was all a hallucination. And no. She would not be brought back to reality.

Pressing her feet against the pedals in a swift move, Kate started the car and moved past Christian in the street, trying hard to keep her eyes open and to see what was in front of her, with all the tears. Driving furiously through the streets of Boston, Kate took a turn to the beach road, the one thay had planned to take on their way to the South. Soon she was all alone, with Ella sleeping on the backseat and nothing but the sound of crashing waves on her right side.

Without knowing exactly how she did it, Kate drove for over an hour without thinking. It was sort of a defense mechanism, a way she had to cope, to react with a delay that allowed her to put things in perspective even before she had time to feel them. It only happened when the shock was too much for her to bear, when she knew she wouldn't be able to cope. When she knew she would probably be tempted to take her own life over the grief she was feeling.

So she did, she drove in automatic pilot for a while, not thinking about anything, until the moment it hit her. It wasn't like she expected it to hit so soon, or so strongly, but she knew it was inevitable. It came in the saddest way possible, the memory, the rememberance of him. She felt his hands on hers, on her neck, his lips on her shoulder as she drove. She would never have that again. She would never have him, his hands, his scent. She would never feel him pressed up against her like she had felt him two days before. She wouldn't feel him again.

Hit the brakes, stop the car. She pulled over and stopped the car in a deserted area, two steps away from the beach. Ella was still asleep, there was no one around. No car in sight, no houses in sight. The beach was deserted, in the chilly afternoon of that autumn day, and Kate felt the wind on her face as a rebound of energy on her body. She opened the window a bit and locked the car, leaving the sleeping figure of her daughter inside. She would only take a minute.

Kate walked clumsily towards the sand, approaching the ocean. Her steps were erratic, like a child who had just began to walk. And in a way, that was exactly what she was, a toddler, learning to take her first steps in a world she didn't exactly recognize or want.

"Why did you do this to me?" Her voice was low, determined. She was beyond the state of shock now, she had passed on to the anger of having him leave her without a warning, without a chance to say goodbye. And suddenly, the low voice wasn't enough. "Why did you do this to me?" she was screaming now, repeating these words like a mantra, trying to make her voice overcome the sound of the waves, and failing miserably. "How could you leave me alone?"

"Well Freckles, if I intended to do that I wouldn't be here right now, would I?"

Her head turned, and her body followed. He was there. He was right in front of her, standing in the sand. His shirt was ripped in the shoulder, with what seemed like dry blood coming out of it. He had a smile on his face, the usual dimpled smile that drove her crazy.

He was there, in front of her. And suddenly, the same sense if alterative reality that had hit her when she'd seen his dead body was brought back to her mind. He wasn't really there, was he? It was her mind, this time. It really was her mind.

"You're not real." Kate took a step back, her features frozen. "You're dead."

Sawyer looked confused. "You didn't talk to your father-in-law?" He took a step towards Kate and she felt herself freeze. His hands grabbed her arms and the materiality of him hit her as a punch. He was real. He was touching her. "Son of a bitch! He didn't tell you what was going on?"

"You were dead." Kate shook her head, unable to stop staring at his eyes.

"Yeah, that's what everybody else was supposed to believe, not you." his words were ragged and low. Sawyer was slowly starting to realize how she had felt, how she had felt his death. It was overwhelming. Her eyes were swollen from the tears, and she was shaking all over; her hands were clenching his arms like she was holding onto him for the sake of her own life and in a way, she was. "Listen, I'm here. I'm alive, Kate, and I'm right here." He didn't know why, but those words were the hardest he had to say in a while.

"You were dead." He laughed a little, pulling her into his arms roughly and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm more than alive, shortcake." He whispered into her ear, and heard a sob as the response. "That Christian guy, though... the man has contacts!" it had the desired effect. Kate raised her head from his chest and looked at him closely, trying to control the dry sobs.

"What was all that, Sawyer? What were you and Christian doing?"

"Well, Freckles, remember when he faked your death, five years ago? Well, he had to fake mine too." Sawyer turned her around, so she was staring at the sea, and embraced her from behind, placing his chin on top of her head. Kate was still clinging to his hands with a strenght he didn't know she had, and it made him feel somewhat powerful. Damn, he belonged to that woman, in the same way she belonged to him. "Kind of pull a _Romeo and Juliet_ on you, you know?"

He could feel her smile. "Romeo and Juliet? How come?"

"Well, we'd pretend I was dead and I'd get into the Coroner's car. The Coroner is a friend of his, and apparently is the same guy who pulled it off for you, kid." He moved a bit, not knowing if he was comfortable enough to touch that issue yet. "Christian would tell you what was goin' on, so you wouldn't be scared when you'd get there. Hell, he must have forgotten that part."

"He must have." Kate wasn't in the mood to discuss the possible ramifications of Christian's actions. Actually, she wasn't in the mood for anything but Sawyer. His presence, the physical form of his body against hers, that she thought she wouldn't feel again was now invading her senses, and she was starting to accept it as a reality. The previous two hours seemed to be no more than a bad dream now.

"So, the Coroner brought me to a place close down the road, where I had a new car waiting, and Chris told me I'd find you here. Hell of a work to spot you, Freckles, if it weren't for your car I wouldn't have seen you." Kate turned around in his arms and brought her hands to his face, touching it lightly.

In a nearly sensual way, Kate brought his face down to her and kissed his lips lightly, revelling on the feeling of his arms around her, on his masculine scent, the mix of cigarrette smoke and after shave. "I'm glad you found me."

"Damn, I'm glad I found you too." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled. "Christian told me we have some things to do. We gotta burn your car, get rid of the evidence. We have new lives, new identities, we can't hold on to the old stuff."

"I know." Kate smiled a little, looking away. "Hi. I'm Katherine Smith, but everybody calls me Kate." She stepped away from him and threw one hand in his direction. He shook it and smiled.

"Hi there. I'm John Smith, but ever since high school everybody calls me Sawyer." He shrugged when Kate laughed at the name. "Christian said Ella gave him the idea." He withdrew a small paper from his back pocket and smiled. "And by the looks of it, we're married."

Kate opened her mouth and laughed. "No way! He didn't tell me that!"

Sawyer pulled the paper away, not letting Kate see it. She jumped to him like a girl, stretching out to catch it. "Well, looks like he didn't tell ya everything, Freckles."

"Let me see it!" he sighed dramatically and gave her the paper, while she smiled at what it said. She raised her eyes to him again, to find him looking out to the ocean. "Mr and Mrs Smith. How fitting."

"Well, I guess we won't have to worry about spending money on the wedding, right?" Kate nodded at him and took a step closer, kissing his neck slowly.

"But we won't have to skip the honeymoon, will we?" she asked, and he replied by pulling her feet off the ground and taking her in his arms, kissing her deeply.

"Hell, no." He let go of her, and Kate touched his face lightly. "Let's move. We have a car to burn."

------------------------

It was ready. The car was empty, they had already transfered everything to Sawyer's car. Ella had woken up shortly after they'd arrived at the car, and had rejoiced at Sawyer's presence. Her very own Jonh Smith was with them, and she loved his presence. She had been babbling non-stop until they reached the spot where they would burn the car, and then push it down to the water, where it would hopefully be lost.

Kate had taken some time to explain Ella what was going on. They were starting a new life, and the burning of the car would be like a ritual, a mysterious way to get good luck. Being a firm believer in magic and other divine arts, Ella had found no problem in believing it was actually an enchantment for luck and prosperity, and had been the more excited of the three. At the moment, she was wearing the angel wings she had managed to find amongst the boxes and running around the car, waving her little hands at it like she was commanding an invisible army of fairies, who would be dancing around the vehicle.

Kate looked at her and then at Sawyer, who was observing the little girl with a smile on his face. He was leaning against his car, a hand on his pocket and the other one holding a cigarrette, looking more peaceful than she'd ever seen him. The wind was blowing through his hair, and the playful smile on his mouth brought to Kate such an overwhelming love for those two human beings, that she just felt like holding them both.

Moving towards Sawyer, she leaned against him and allowed him to put one arm around her, pulling her close. She rested her face on his chest and inhaled his scent, loving every bit of it. "Sawyer."

"Yeah." He said, so low she could barely understand him. "What's up?"

"Nothing." She snuggled in closer to him, resting her forehead against his neck. "I just wanted to say your name."

Sawyer swallowed hard and pulled her closed, kissing her forehead. "Wanna do the honors, Freckles?" he passed her the box of matches and the piece of wood they would send into the car.

"Nah, you do it." Kate called Ella to her side and picked her up from the floor. "It's going to start, bug. You ready?"

"Yes!" Ella put her arms around Kate's neck and they took a couple of steps back, getting away from the car. Kate and Ella watched as Sawyer set the piece of wood on fire and threw it to the inside of the car, previously filled with gasoline. He ran to Kate and Ella, pulling them both close to himself. Ella looked at the fire and, distractedly, put her other arm around Sawyer's neck, hanging between the two adults, who shared a look of intimacy and pride that would be hard to erase for many times to come.

"Here we go, girls. The show is about to begin." Sawyer said, placing one hand on Kate's back and pulling her closer to his body.

--------------------

The car burned down as they watched. The small explosions of provided a show that Ella had considered rather exciting, letting out small screams and giggles. Sawyer smiled through most of it, while Kate saw her life in front of her, what she was made of. For the second time in her life, fire was erasing her mistakes and the realities she wanted to avoid. This time, though, it was different. She was starting over. She was about to start a new life, a new time, a new era. She was finally going to be happy, be alive, be safe with the people she truly loved.

As the fire started to die out, Kate and Sawyer put Ella in the car and told her to hold still while they pushed the car into the dark emptiness of the ocean. Sawyer and Kate took a glance at each other before they started, and while Kate pulled the sleeves of her shirt up, Sawyer gave her a hungry look.

"Hell, never thought you'd look so damn hot doing that." she blushed a little, looking away.

"Pervert." She said with a sly smile.

"You love me like that." she smiled lovingly at his words, and the look in her eyes changed almost immediately.

"I do." He stared at her for a moment, through the yellow light of the late afternoon. She was even more beautiful in that light. And he thought she couldn't be any more beautiful than she already was.

"I do, too." The look they gave each other only lasted a minute, and it was all they needed. It was a look of abandonment, of commitment. They were linked, eternally connected to one another in a deep, irreversible way. There was no going back now, no looking back. Boston was over, the road was ahead of them and they had a journey to make; this journey wasn't just the one they made by car to the place where they would live. It was the journey of their lives, the family they were starting together. The thought of that was frightening and exciting at the same time, like a roller coaster ride they couldn't get enough of. In that look, they both assumed it wouldn't be perfect, it wouldn't be easy. They were both flawed and fierce in their positions, and they knew they'd have to break each other into living a peaceful life. But what mattered in that moment wasn't the difficult part. They had both had enough of that. What mattered was the sense of promise, the new life they had ahead of themselves. The redemption they had been looking for, and that they believed to be found only in each other's arms.

With a mutual nod and swift moves from both sides, Kate and Sawyer pushed the car until it took it's own way down the cliff and fell into the water, being swallowed by it within seconds. They gave it a last glance before turning around and heading to the car, where Ella was waiting with her nose splashed against the glass. Kate laughed and touched her nose form the outside of the window, making the girl move and giggle, and walked around the car to take her seat.

Sawyer took the driver's seat and the wheel, starting the car. "Are you ladies ready?"

Kate took a glance at her daughter, who was smiling while she watched the sunset through the window. "What do you say, Ella? Are we ready?"

"Yeah!" The girl's voice was joyful and childlike, and made Kate turn to the front with a smile on her lips.

"Then I'm ready too." She placed her hand on Sawyer's face, stroking his cheek slowly and touching one of his dimples. "Let's go."

THE END


End file.
